1 Part 19 –
The slayer quietly walked up to the seer, and sat next to her.
They were outside Giles', sitting in a little courtyard.
"I wasn't sure how to bring it up before... I guess I could hear Giles' repeating himself - 'I forbid you to go anywhere near Xander in case you feel the need to..'" She mimicked the other girls watcher.
Buffy leaned forward. "Go on."
"I need to see him... - Not to heal him or anything, but, just in case he doesn't pull through on his own, I need to tell him something, something he should know..."
"Is it something *I* know?" The slayer asked, thinking about what Cordy had said to her about Xander once.
"Yeah, - 'cept it's past tense now though... but, I figure, it's better saying it in past tense than not saying it at all, right?"
Buffy stood up, and ignored her question. "Stay here, Cordy. I'll explain to the others then I'll come with you to the hospital."
Buffy began to walk away, but Cordelia called her back. "Buffy?"
The slayer raised an eyebrow. "Xander's loved right?"
Buffy walked back to her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if he wasn't ever in love with me like I was with him, you think he *has* loved someone in that way right? ... I wouldn't like him to die without ever being in love with somebody, whether the love was returned or not."
Buffy thought of Anya, but couldn't say whether her friend was in love with her, she looked at Cordelia's big hopeful eyes, and Buffy remembered how Xander had looked around her... but, she couldn't say if he had loved her either. "I hope so, Cordy. And I'm sure he has." She patted the girls arm, and headed back inside.
~*~
"He's in there, huh?" Cordelia asked the slayer, they were stood in the hospital, outside a door Buffy had lead them too.
"Um, Riely and Anya should still be in there - do you want me to go in and clear them out so you can have a private moment with Xander alone?"
Cordelia sadly shook her head. "To be honest, Buffy, I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to be alone with him... emotions would get on top of me and I wouldn't be thinking straight, and well, Gile's could then say 'I told you so' about not letting me see him cuz I'd feel I'd had to heal him."
Buffy nodded, "I'll stay with you then," she reached forward and opened the door. "After you."
Cordelia sighed, and took a few tentative steps forward into Xander's room.
Inside she found Anya, sitting on a chair beside Xander's bed looking at the lifeless body intensely and she didn't even notice Cordy come in.
There was a tall kinda cute guy standing by the small window in the room, he turned to her as she walked in. "Um, I think you have the wrong room -" The guy who she could only assume was Buffy's boyfriend, Riely, began.
"Riely, this is Cordelia." Buffy quickly told him as she came in after the brunette and closed the door.
Anya's head shot up, and she nearly fell over as she made her way to Cordelia, she gave Buffy an evil stare on the way.
Riely smiled, and Cordelia was very surprised as he came forward and hugged her. "So you're the one who's gonna save Xander. I'm not exactly close to him, but I miss his cheekiness!"
"How did you -" Buffy started.
"- After you and Willow left before, I called Giles', and spoke to Spike, he reckoned Cordelia was going to make Xander better with your strength, and -"
Anya copied Riely's actions and hugged Cordelia, she still looked at the slayer. "I *told* you things like this always fix themselves - god, Buffy you really gotta stop getting in a huff so easily, everything always works out in the end!"
When she let go of Cordelia, the ex-may queen saw him. Just as she had imagined. No smile. No bright eyes. No jokes. No nothing.
Cordelia barely heard Buffy as she fixed her gaze on Xander.
"Guys, god, I didn't think I would have to explain this to you cuz I thought you wouldn't know about Cordelia and her healing powers... But, she can't heal him. Well, she could, but if she did, she'd most likely die in the process, and well, she needs to be here to have a shot at distroying this maniac god and save the world from doom. She had a choice of saving the world from distruction and saving Xander... she chose what Xander would've wanted her too."
Riely nodded, and took Buffy who had tears falling from her eyes into his arms.
Anya wasn't as accepting as Riely, and glared at Cordelia's back as she walked slowly towards the stilled Xander on the bed.
She grabbed Cordelia's arm and yanked her back before either Buffy or Riely could see what was going on.
"If you aren't here to save him - then you're not welcome!!" The ex- vengeance demon spat out.
Buffy pulled Anya away from Cordy. "Stop being such a bitch, Anya -"
"Yeah," Cordelia suddenly spoke up, "that's my job. And whether you fucking like it or not, I'm here to see Xander! And since he's the future hero here, I'd like to congratulate him in advance without you sticking your pathetic little ore in and making trouble that we just don't need right now!!"
As Cordelia spoke in her old manner, Buffy actually realised how much she'd missed her. "Anya, I think you'd better go wait outside." The slayer hissed in the girls ear.
"And leave that fucking whore with my boyfriend - not as long as I'm still breathing! She has no right to barge in here and demand to see him - she's the reason he's gonna die!" Anya cried out as she struggled against Buffy who was trying to keep her from lunging at Cordelia.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "You want a cat fight, Anya? - Then bring it on, I'd beat the crap out of you even in the state I'm in, because I just really want to see Xander at this point!" And Cordy the bitch was back - her icy tone shot at Anya still struggling to break from Buffy's hold. "And being a whore is much more your style from what I can see your wearing. Poor Xander being stuck with you, anything else couldn't beat that to the top of the 'poor-loser-guy-stuck-in-a-hospital-bed-with-just-a-little-hope- of-returning' list!" Cordelia laughed while shaking her head. "If I were you, Anya, I'd get the fuck out of here before I really get going."
"I'm not leaving a fucking bitch like you with *my* -"
"Boyfriend? - Yeah, I know, he's your boyfriend Anya, you've said about a million times. And now you're just trying to piss me off some more, but, go ahead, if you make me more angry, you might just get lucky enough for me to hit you, and with a little more luck, I might just get my goddess powers as I hit you. That'll put the wind up you, huh?" She fixed Anya with a glare. "Wanna give it a try?"
Anya just glared at the ex-May Queen, but seemed to let Buffy and Riely steer her out.
Cordy fumed. And Buffy shut the door and turned to face the brunette.
She sighed deeply, and the slayer felt sympathetic as tears rolled down Cordelia's face.
"I'm not her anymore, Buffy. I'm not the Bitch of Sunnydale high, I've changed... but she just keeps coming back, and I can't stop her."
"Don't fight her. She's apart of you, ... apart of you Xander loved, Cordy. She might not be as nice as who you've become, or as kind and sweet, but she's the Cordy who we became friends with. Yeah, you've changed for the better, but the Bitch will always be there to make you Cordelia Chase."
Cordelia smiled back at the Slayer. For once they weren't mad at each other or filled with hate. They were friends. "Thanks, Buffy. You know, right now, I can't see why I disliked you so much sometimes... I mean, sometimes I liked you, but right now, right here, I don't just *not* dislike you..." She gave the other girl a weak smile, "I actually like you."
Buffy had to grin as she came forward and hugged the other girl. "I like you too, Cordy." Then she pulled away. "Listen, I know that I said I'd stay with you, but, in all honestly, if some guy I once loved was lying in a hospital bed and might die and I had this one chance to tell him I loved him, I wouldn't exactly want an audience... I'll be waiting outside." She stepped back from Cordy, then, pausing she added; "I don't wanna have to say this, especially not now, but ... no healing, Cordy, OK?" She asked as she walked backwards to the door, keeping her eyes on the brunette.
Cordelia let a tear escape, as she nodded. "No healing."
The slayer gave her friend a sad smile as she stepped out of the room, leaving the door open just a little. Just in case. Not that she didn't trust Cordelia - well, OK, she didn't, not in this situation.
Cordy sighed, and she turned back to the bed, and made her way to the seat placed next to it.
She sat down, and took the lifeless hand in her own before pulling up her gaze to meet Xander's face.
"Xander? ... If you can here me, you have to know that this is killing me. I have to save the world, but what kind of world is it gonna be if you don't pull up those fists and fight to be in it? God, ... I really don't want this to be goodbye, Xander. And if you can just hold on - just 'til I *can* save you... please do it."
She choked up. "I don't wanna lose you. You're so special to me - and to everyone." She squeezed his hand tighter. "I missed you since I left, you're like, the only thing I *really* really missed."
She got off the chair and perched onto the bed, and leant down so her head was just above his. She kissed his forehead, "Xander, you better not tell anyone this, but, ... I loved you. Well, I always *will* love you. I can't not love my first love."
She grinned to herself as she pulled away from his face. "There's *one* thing I will regret about us, though. That we never made love - because I know, with you, it would have been for love, not sex." She smiled sadly, "I'm not a virgin, but I don't think it'd be right to say that I've ever made love." She sat back into the chair, yet her hand still clasped his firmly, "and Xander? I forgive you... I did a long time ago, but I never heard from you to tell you... OK, so it's not like I kept in touch either, but I had serious career plans going on!"
She smiled as she kissed his hand, a few tears escaped, "keep fighting for me, OK?"
Then she just sat there, silently looking at the guy she once was in love with, and who still took up a place in her heart.
~*~
Go on to part TWENTY
The slayer quietly walked up to the seer, and sat next to her.
They were outside Giles', sitting in a little courtyard.
"I wasn't sure how to bring it up before... I guess I could hear Giles' repeating himself - 'I forbid you to go anywhere near Xander in case you feel the need to..'" She mimicked the other girls watcher.
Buffy leaned forward. "Go on."
"I need to see him... - Not to heal him or anything, but, just in case he doesn't pull through on his own, I need to tell him something, something he should know..."
"Is it something *I* know?" The slayer asked, thinking about what Cordy had said to her about Xander once.
"Yeah, - 'cept it's past tense now though... but, I figure, it's better saying it in past tense than not saying it at all, right?"
Buffy stood up, and ignored her question. "Stay here, Cordy. I'll explain to the others then I'll come with you to the hospital."
Buffy began to walk away, but Cordelia called her back. "Buffy?"
The slayer raised an eyebrow. "Xander's loved right?"
Buffy walked back to her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if he wasn't ever in love with me like I was with him, you think he *has* loved someone in that way right? ... I wouldn't like him to die without ever being in love with somebody, whether the love was returned or not."
Buffy thought of Anya, but couldn't say whether her friend was in love with her, she looked at Cordelia's big hopeful eyes, and Buffy remembered how Xander had looked around her... but, she couldn't say if he had loved her either. "I hope so, Cordy. And I'm sure he has." She patted the girls arm, and headed back inside.
~*~
"He's in there, huh?" Cordelia asked the slayer, they were stood in the hospital, outside a door Buffy had lead them too.
"Um, Riely and Anya should still be in there - do you want me to go in and clear them out so you can have a private moment with Xander alone?"
Cordelia sadly shook her head. "To be honest, Buffy, I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to be alone with him... emotions would get on top of me and I wouldn't be thinking straight, and well, Gile's could then say 'I told you so' about not letting me see him cuz I'd feel I'd had to heal him."
Buffy nodded, "I'll stay with you then," she reached forward and opened the door. "After you."
Cordelia sighed, and took a few tentative steps forward into Xander's room.
Inside she found Anya, sitting on a chair beside Xander's bed looking at the lifeless body intensely and she didn't even notice Cordy come in.
There was a tall kinda cute guy standing by the small window in the room, he turned to her as she walked in. "Um, I think you have the wrong room -" The guy who she could only assume was Buffy's boyfriend, Riely, began.
"Riely, this is Cordelia." Buffy quickly told him as she came in after the brunette and closed the door.
Anya's head shot up, and she nearly fell over as she made her way to Cordelia, she gave Buffy an evil stare on the way.
Riely smiled, and Cordelia was very surprised as he came forward and hugged her. "So you're the one who's gonna save Xander. I'm not exactly close to him, but I miss his cheekiness!"
"How did you -" Buffy started.
"- After you and Willow left before, I called Giles', and spoke to Spike, he reckoned Cordelia was going to make Xander better with your strength, and -"
Anya copied Riely's actions and hugged Cordelia, she still looked at the slayer. "I *told* you things like this always fix themselves - god, Buffy you really gotta stop getting in a huff so easily, everything always works out in the end!"
When she let go of Cordelia, the ex-may queen saw him. Just as she had imagined. No smile. No bright eyes. No jokes. No nothing.
Cordelia barely heard Buffy as she fixed her gaze on Xander.
"Guys, god, I didn't think I would have to explain this to you cuz I thought you wouldn't know about Cordelia and her healing powers... But, she can't heal him. Well, she could, but if she did, she'd most likely die in the process, and well, she needs to be here to have a shot at distroying this maniac god and save the world from doom. She had a choice of saving the world from distruction and saving Xander... she chose what Xander would've wanted her too."
Riely nodded, and took Buffy who had tears falling from her eyes into his arms.
Anya wasn't as accepting as Riely, and glared at Cordelia's back as she walked slowly towards the stilled Xander on the bed.
She grabbed Cordelia's arm and yanked her back before either Buffy or Riely could see what was going on.
"If you aren't here to save him - then you're not welcome!!" The ex- vengeance demon spat out.
Buffy pulled Anya away from Cordy. "Stop being such a bitch, Anya -"
"Yeah," Cordelia suddenly spoke up, "that's my job. And whether you fucking like it or not, I'm here to see Xander! And since he's the future hero here, I'd like to congratulate him in advance without you sticking your pathetic little ore in and making trouble that we just don't need right now!!"
As Cordelia spoke in her old manner, Buffy actually realised how much she'd missed her. "Anya, I think you'd better go wait outside." The slayer hissed in the girls ear.
"And leave that fucking whore with my boyfriend - not as long as I'm still breathing! She has no right to barge in here and demand to see him - she's the reason he's gonna die!" Anya cried out as she struggled against Buffy who was trying to keep her from lunging at Cordelia.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "You want a cat fight, Anya? - Then bring it on, I'd beat the crap out of you even in the state I'm in, because I just really want to see Xander at this point!" And Cordy the bitch was back - her icy tone shot at Anya still struggling to break from Buffy's hold. "And being a whore is much more your style from what I can see your wearing. Poor Xander being stuck with you, anything else couldn't beat that to the top of the 'poor-loser-guy-stuck-in-a-hospital-bed-with-just-a-little-hope- of-returning' list!" Cordelia laughed while shaking her head. "If I were you, Anya, I'd get the fuck out of here before I really get going."
"I'm not leaving a fucking bitch like you with *my* -"
"Boyfriend? - Yeah, I know, he's your boyfriend Anya, you've said about a million times. And now you're just trying to piss me off some more, but, go ahead, if you make me more angry, you might just get lucky enough for me to hit you, and with a little more luck, I might just get my goddess powers as I hit you. That'll put the wind up you, huh?" She fixed Anya with a glare. "Wanna give it a try?"
Anya just glared at the ex-May Queen, but seemed to let Buffy and Riely steer her out.
Cordy fumed. And Buffy shut the door and turned to face the brunette.
She sighed deeply, and the slayer felt sympathetic as tears rolled down Cordelia's face.
"I'm not her anymore, Buffy. I'm not the Bitch of Sunnydale high, I've changed... but she just keeps coming back, and I can't stop her."
"Don't fight her. She's apart of you, ... apart of you Xander loved, Cordy. She might not be as nice as who you've become, or as kind and sweet, but she's the Cordy who we became friends with. Yeah, you've changed for the better, but the Bitch will always be there to make you Cordelia Chase."
Cordelia smiled back at the Slayer. For once they weren't mad at each other or filled with hate. They were friends. "Thanks, Buffy. You know, right now, I can't see why I disliked you so much sometimes... I mean, sometimes I liked you, but right now, right here, I don't just *not* dislike you..." She gave the other girl a weak smile, "I actually like you."
Buffy had to grin as she came forward and hugged the other girl. "I like you too, Cordy." Then she pulled away. "Listen, I know that I said I'd stay with you, but, in all honestly, if some guy I once loved was lying in a hospital bed and might die and I had this one chance to tell him I loved him, I wouldn't exactly want an audience... I'll be waiting outside." She stepped back from Cordy, then, pausing she added; "I don't wanna have to say this, especially not now, but ... no healing, Cordy, OK?" She asked as she walked backwards to the door, keeping her eyes on the brunette.
Cordelia let a tear escape, as she nodded. "No healing."
The slayer gave her friend a sad smile as she stepped out of the room, leaving the door open just a little. Just in case. Not that she didn't trust Cordelia - well, OK, she didn't, not in this situation.
Cordy sighed, and she turned back to the bed, and made her way to the seat placed next to it.
She sat down, and took the lifeless hand in her own before pulling up her gaze to meet Xander's face.
"Xander? ... If you can here me, you have to know that this is killing me. I have to save the world, but what kind of world is it gonna be if you don't pull up those fists and fight to be in it? God, ... I really don't want this to be goodbye, Xander. And if you can just hold on - just 'til I *can* save you... please do it."
She choked up. "I don't wanna lose you. You're so special to me - and to everyone." She squeezed his hand tighter. "I missed you since I left, you're like, the only thing I *really* really missed."
She got off the chair and perched onto the bed, and leant down so her head was just above his. She kissed his forehead, "Xander, you better not tell anyone this, but, ... I loved you. Well, I always *will* love you. I can't not love my first love."
She grinned to herself as she pulled away from his face. "There's *one* thing I will regret about us, though. That we never made love - because I know, with you, it would have been for love, not sex." She smiled sadly, "I'm not a virgin, but I don't think it'd be right to say that I've ever made love." She sat back into the chair, yet her hand still clasped his firmly, "and Xander? I forgive you... I did a long time ago, but I never heard from you to tell you... OK, so it's not like I kept in touch either, but I had serious career plans going on!"
She smiled as she kissed his hand, a few tears escaped, "keep fighting for me, OK?"
Then she just sat there, silently looking at the guy she once was in love with, and who still took up a place in her heart.
~*~
Go on to part TWENTY