Welcome to the disclaimer:
I don't own the song or the characters… no matter how much I wanna. Don't waste yer time launchin' a lawsuit, I'm just a poor University student…. Bandai and all those other folks own the Gundam Wing characters, Green Day owns the song/fic title and lyrics.
Now on with the show!!
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Words I Might Have Ate
**Now it seems I can't keep my mind off of you
My brain drifts back to better days we've been through**
"So, so STUPID!! How could I be so fucking stupid?" Duo Maxwell stumbles around the ramshackle apartment he's currently calling home, looking for a fresh bottle. "'I love you Heero,'" he mutters to himself in a mocking tone. "What the hell did I expect? As usual, talking waaaaaaay too fucking much without thinking." He chuckles and shakes his head at himself. Finding an unopened bottle of rum under the nightstand, he sits down on the bed. He looks at himself in the mirror across the room. "Shit, dude, you look like hell," he tells his reflection, then laughs. His hair, normally his pride and joy, is greasy and falling out of its braid. His skin is pale, a sickly shade of grey, and his eyes are sunken with dark circles from weeks of sleepless nights spent intoxicated. Then he shrugs. "Meh. Not like anyone cares what I look like…" He takes a huge swig from the bottle, emptying about a third of its contents, and turns back to the mirror. "I can't believe you fucking told him that. You fucking moron!! I mean REALLY. What did you expect?? Did you THINK he was gonna throw his arms around you, overjoyed at the words he's been longing to hear??" He hugs the bottle and looks at it tenderly, then sucks back more of its contents.
**Like sitting on blacktop of the school ground
The love I bitched about I finally found**
"I mean, just because you shared a room at the schools you went to… and sometimes a bed--" he winks at his reflection " --doesn't mean anything! Everything he does is for the good of 'the mission'. You KNEW that! He only told you that, like, every fuckin' day…"
//Are you sure you believe that? \\ his reflection asks.
He pauses for a second to ponder that thought, then takes another sip.
"Of course."
//Why did he rescue you after the enemy caught you and your gundam? \\ mirror Duo demands.
"What the hell good was I locked up?"
//Why did he use YOUR name as a cover up in the colony?\\
"Duh. Cuz goin' up there ta school as 'Heero Yuy' would be stupid." He rolls his eyes and takes another sip.
//Why did he look after you when you were hurt?\\
He glares at mirror Duo. "Because," he snaps, "he didn't trust me to look after myself!"
//Why did you sleep with him?\\
"Because I thought we meant something to each other." He quickly swallows more of the bitter liquid in large gulps.
//Why did he sleep with you?\\
"Fuck you." He chugs more of the bottle, bringing its level down to nearly empty.
//No, tell me. Why did he sleep with you?\\
"Because I was there!! Just another notch in his headboard. Nothing more. You happy?!?" Mirror Duo doesn't respond. He just sits there, calmly looking back. "Stop asking me these things!! It doesn't matter anymore! He told me to leave! I don't want to think about it anymore!! SHUT UP!!" He throws the now empty bottle at the mirror, which shatters across the room. A large jagged piece of glass lands in front of him on the bed. He curls himself up and looks at it until he passes out.
**But now it's gone and I take the blame
But there's nothing I can do but take the pain
…Why? **
Heero sits hunched over his computer. He's been there for hours, staring at the blinking cursor of the word processor.
Hmph. The 'perfect soldier.' Proficient in killing countless ways without giving it a second thought. Able to regain consciousness without causing fluctuations in any computers that may be monitoring vital signs. Hacking into government computer systems? I've been able to do that since I was 8 years old. Capable of withstanding the most horrible torture techniques and can set bones without giving the pain a second thought. But find out someone cares deeply about me and what do I do?? He sighs and rubs his eyes.
**Now I dwell on what you remind me of
A sweet young girl who sacrificed her love
As for me… I am blind without a cause**
He's relived the moment over and over again in his mind.
After their somewhat customary celebration of a 'mission complete,' he gets up from the mess of limbs on the bed and gets dressed.
"What's the hurry, Heero?" Duo reaches a hand out. Heero ignores it as he walks across the room to his computer. When he sits down, he hears Duo groan and get up.
"What'cha doin'?" The American yawns, stretches and slips on a pair of boxers. Heero feels his body tense up as arms wrap around him. "I asked you a question…"
"Doing the report. Leave me alone." Of course, his request falls on deaf ears, as the hands roam over him, accompanied by soft kisses on his neck. "Duo, knock it off. I'm busy." He shifts uncomfortably in the chair, this only results in Duo's actions becoming rougher, more insistent. Hands moving lower, mouth moving up towards his ear.
"I… I love you, Heero."
*****
The word echoes in his mind. "Love."
Love? No that's impossible. He's long since been released from the burden of emotions. They had no place in the tasks he was trained to perform. What the two of them did together was a response to the stress they were living under. It was an escape. To put it simply, they couldn't trust others because they could be spies of the enemy. Therefore, the only way to deal with such matters was to turn to each other. But love? No. Duo was confusing love with lust. That was the only explanation.
//No it isn't,\\ a voice spoke up in the back of his mind. //You've seen the way he looks at you. He pities you, yet admires you all at once. He wants you to open up to him.\\
I suppose I do the same. He's a competent soldier, worthy of admiration. Perhaps his actions and appearance are unconventional, but nonetheless, he is fierce on the battlefield. One should expect nothing less from a person who calls himself 'Shinigami.' Also, his ability to transform into a completely different person once the battle is finished. Although it usually results in drawing more attention to the two of us, it's something the enemy would never expect. But this is just professional admiration, and that's all.
//You're lying again,\\ the voice sighs. //It's not as cut and dry as you make it out to be.\\
Yes it is. Duo didn't go through the same experiences I did. He still fights with his emotions when making a decision.
//You mean… like you're doing right now?\\ The voice was innocent and cheerful. Something he thought he'd disposed of long ago.
No. I am trying to figure out, LOGICALLY, what could have lead him to believe that our …partnership… was more than that of soldiers sharing a common goal.
//You're lying… there's more… look deeper…\\
Heero's scowl deepens and he clenches his hands in tight fists. There is NOTHING there. It was removed long ago. I am incapable of affection. I don't HAVE emotional needs to fulfil. They're gone. They distract you from the mission. I TOLD you that!
//Then why are you panicking?\\ The voice smiles and trails off into the back of his mind.
*****
"I… I love you, Heero."
At the utterance of those words, something snapped. His body froze, pulse quickening and heart pounding in his chest, then his hands began to tremble.
"Wha-what's the matter?" Duo lets go and takes a step back. "Heero?" A hand taps the Japanese boy on the shoulder.
"You don't know what you're talking about. Get out."
"Huh?"
"Get the hell out of here." He stands up, and kicks the chair over in the process. His expression is the stone mask he always wears, despite the rage of emotions crashing into each other in his head. His fists are clenched so tightly that his arms quiver from the strain. "Get dressed and LEAVE!" he barks out to the other boy, whose eyes are now wide and fearful.
"But I don't understand… What-"
"Don't make me say it again." Heero throws the other boy's bag at him. Duo falls down with the impact. He tries to hide the hurt and confusion under his screen of bangs as he scurries around on the floor, gathering his few possessions and getting dressed.
"So… everything meant nothing to you…" Duo's voice is small and trembling as he finishes dressing.
"Nothing at all."
"Then why… with me…?" The braided boy stands with his head down, tears trailing down his cheeks.
"You were there."
**And now I realised what I have lost
It was something real that I could have had
Now I play the fool who's stable soul's gone bad
…Why?**
Oh god…
Heero goes back to trying to type the letter he's been working on for weeks. After writing a couple lines, he reads it over:
{Duo,
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. What was done was a reaction to the stress
of war. Please accept my apologies.}
Right. Like that'll work. He gave his heart to you, and you stuck a knife in it… You KNEW he felt this way all this time, but you told yourself to ignore it. You figured he'd get over it. He could have anyone he wanted, but he picks you, the one person in the world that is incapable of returning affection. Not because the emotions don't exist, just because that is the single thing that frightens you. Trained to be the perfect soldier. Perfect soldier maybe, but you are FAR from being the perfect human being.
Growling at himself, he closes the laptop. He deserves better. He DESERVES an explanation…
"Mission accepted," he whispers to himself as he leaves the apartment and makes his way into the night.
**Tell me what're the words I might have said
It's pumping pressure deep inside my head
Was it bad enough to be too late?
Just tell me the words I might have ate…**
Duo slowly regains consciousness, his mind still clouded by the alcohol. He opens his eyes and focuses on the shiny object in front of him.
//Welcome back.\\
"Fuck you." Easing himself into a sitting position, he looks over at what remains of the mirror. A dozen distorted smaller Duos look back at him. "Aww, man… Didja have to bring your friends?" He picks up the piece that lay on the bed and slides a finger down one edge, testing its sharpness.
//Don't be stupid.\\ They frown at him.
"A little late for THAT, don'tcha think?" He stares at the crimson fluid beading at his fingertip. His eyes wander down to the palm of his hand, then lower to his forearm.
//Was he worth it?\\ they demand.
Duo nods. "Of course." His eyes lock on the blue veins under his skin.
//Is he worth drinking yourself to death?\\
He looks up at them. Their tone had been teeming with concern, as were their eyes, but also fear.
"Why does it matter to you what I do? It can end here and now. No more regret. No more pain… and no more fucking talking to myself!"
The mirror Duos' eyes grow wide as he slides the glass down to release the agony held within him.
**But now it's gone and I take the blame
But there's nothing I can do but take the pain
…Why? **
"Did you really think this was going to be that simple?"
"Huh?" Duo looks around the dark room. He's sitting on a chair in a small, smoky office. The voice is originating from the silhouetted figure sitting behind a desk in front of him. How the hell did I get here… did someone find me and patch me up…? He looks down at his arm. It's still bleeding. Nope. Just hallucinating… Damnit, even my dreams can't let me go…
"To break him?"
"Who?"
"Who do you think? Heero, of course."
"Oh."
"What made you think he woul-"
"Love me?" Duo interrupts. As if my reflections giving me hell wasn't enough… Now this dude… He sighs and looks up at the figure, trying to figure out who it is. "Do you think it was EASY for me to say that?"
The shadow scoffs. "Did you think it was any less hard for him to HEAR that?" Duo doesn't respond. "You were so caught up with what you felt, that you didn't consider him."
"I didn't…?" Duo stares blankly at the figure, who continues.
"Exactly how many times do you think he's heard that in his life? Hmm? His whole existence has contained war - he is a human weapon. Violence is something he has grown to accept. It's a part of him. He thinks he has no other purpose but to fight. All the things he's been taught were to prepare him for countless battles. Not emotional encounters."
"I—I know… I know that… but--"
"But what? He has encased himself in a shell to protect himself from harm. You strove to crack it open. Well, congratulations, you've succeeded. You've broken through and he reacted the only way he knew how. By repairing the hole, and shutting you out."
"Oh, shit… Oh, God… What have I done…?" The walls seem to melt away, along with some of the mist in his mind. He's back, lying on the bed in the dilapidated apartment. He looks down at his arm, and watches the blood flowing out, running down his forearm, dripping off his fingertips and pooling on the floor below. "…Fuck…" Hot tears well up in his eyes and run down his face. "Oh … Heero… I'm sorry… I should never have said that to you… This is all my fault. Me and my big mouth."
As he closes his eyes again, he thinks he hears a knock on the door. Not again… No more… I'm too tired to argue now…
"Duo, open up."
His eyes flash open. "Heero?" he mumbles. "Go away."
"Open the door."
"Um, I'm busy right now. C'mon back later…" His words are slurred and barely decipherable.
"You're drunk…" There is a scratching at the lock as it's picked, and the door slams open. Heero's eyes grow wide at the sight of the growing pool of red. "…And bleeding…" His voice trails off. He scans the room and spots Duo's bag. He dashes over and goes through it, pulling out the large bandages from the first aid kit. Once he has them in hand he sits down on the bed, cradles Duo in his arms, and tends to the gash. After mending the injured arm, he tries to catch and hold the American's gaze, examining his eyes for a clue as to how he should proceed in treating the remainder of the wounds.
Okay, you've patched him up. Now all you have to do is tell him that it's not his fault. It's just something that can't work. But, you can't tell him that you feel the same… because then he'll make a big deal of that and make it harder than it already is.
//Just tell him…\\ the voice popped up again.
I…I can't…It's not that simple…I can't believe he did this…
//Yes you can. Just look at him…\\
Heero looks down at the source of all his pain and confusion. How pale… How hurt… How wonderful it felt to hold him in his arms…and how unbearably painful the thought of letting him go was.
//Just tell him.\\
Duo looks up at him, squinting, as if trying to determine if the other is truly there. "What are you doing he—You need me for another mission."
The Japanese boy slowly shakes his head and swallows, attempting to move the lump, which formed in his throat. "No… not for a mission… I just… need… you…"
"For…?" Looking up, deep into the other's eyes, the fog seems to lift in Duo's mind and he understands. "…I love you too Heero."
~~END~~