In The End
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Jeff found himself in the most familiar place. The place where he scrawls out his feelings, writes a poem or two, but most importantly, it's the place where he brings closure to his life. It's not a very environmentally suitable place, but hell, a hotel room works. Just as long as he's sprawled out across the rock-hard mattress with his feet hanging off the back with his journal open in front of him and a pen in hand, it was his place. Nothing else mattered.
This place was to achieve a very important task this chilly November eve. Jeff was ready to let go. He was ready to move on. The words stung his brain to think them, but he knew they were true. It was over. His image of perfection? No more. His love? No more. His Goddess? Proved fallible, just like everything else.
But he wanted to write. He wrote to sort out his feelings, to help himself decide what was right by listening to his pen, and not his mind. It had never steered him wrong. But his writings also served as a warning to himself. And this, he thought, is a big fucking neon flashing sign. Jeff sighed, and started to write.
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Looking back on everything that had happened, he knew where he had given things up to be with her. He realized that, and accepted that. Hell, he wouldn't change it if he went back and did it all over again. He was in love. Jeff saw through her faults, her past, and showed her true happiness. Or so he thought.
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Pausing in his writing, Jeff reread what he had just so furiously scrawled in the pages of his journal. It basically summed up the entire relationship. Once she finally broke down and told him of all the evils she had encountered, every suicide attempt, every beating, every rape, he shouldered them. Jeff realized he had to be strong for her, even though the mere thought of any of those made his sick to his stomach. He was the strong one. He tried extra hard to show her the happiness life and love can bring.
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
But it didn't work. Even with all her attempts, she started to slip back into her old way of life. She couldn't go a day without cutting herself, she said it made her feel alive. She'd do it right in front of Jeff to show him that she could, even though she knew it tore apart his insides. No matter what Jeff did, none of the flowers, the phone calls, the poems, nothing, she still couldn't stop hurting herself. But Jeff wasn't one to give up. He loved her and he was going to make her better.
But she never did get better. He ran to her house from the airport one evening with a dozen roses. He was so excited to see her, his heart was bursting with anticipation. But when he got to her home, he couldn't find her. Not at first at least. Shaking in preparation for the unknown, he went to her 'hiding spot' next to the tree in her back yard. He found her. She had stabbed herself in the chest after slicing her wrists and her throat open. Her body was covered in blood, her beautiful eyes blankly staring ahead.
After immediately throwing up several times, Jeff started towards her body. Her bones were visible through the gashes in her wrists, her head barely attached, she had sliced through her own neck so far. Jeff carefully reached up and shut her eyes. He couldn't bear to see them so peaceful, so serene, even in death. Lying under her left wrist was a note. He was praying she had left a note. Carefully sliding the bloodied paper out from under her gashed arm, he sat down against the other side of the tree, shaking uncontrollably as he read the last words and thoughts of his Goddess.
Jeff,
I know you're the only one who's going to find me. You're the only one who cares enough to look for me. And for that I thank you. You are the most amazing person I've ever met. You extended your hand to me when I couldn't find my way. You made me smile in a time of pain. But nothing you could do could make what I feel go away. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't live my life. I just couldn't. I needed to do what I've been cowardly trying to do for years. It's over Jeff. I'm sorry you met me, I'm sorry you tried to help me. Because I've been beyond help since the day I was born.
He broke down in tears. He tried to convince himself every day that she was okay. But in the back of his mind, he knew this was going to happen. It was an odd feeling. A feeling of loss, of regret, of trying to understand where he went wrong, but at the same time realizing he did everything right and nothing could be changed. His Goddess was less than a mere mortal, a cowardly one at that.
Walking back around the tree, he again saw the spectacle that became of his lover's death. Sighing, he wrapped his arms around her to move her from her death position. Jeff threw up again once he realized that the knife stuck deep into her chest had actually gone so deep that it exited her back, and was stuck two inches into the tree behind her. Shaking in horror, in disbelief, in whatever feeling he was feeling, he opened up his cell phone and dialed 911.
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
And several months later, Jeff was back where he started, in his hotel room. Sighing, Jeff paused from his writing and looked out the window. He never really made a decision what had happened to her. Did she go to Heaven? Did she go to Hell? He never knew whether to look at the sky or towards the ground when he thought about her. He was such a different person now. More reserved, more thoughtful, more closed up. She never escaped his mind though. No matter what he thought happened to her, he always imagined them flying. Still flying.
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Everything he did was a lie. Everything he tried to accomplish with her was a lie. All his poems, all her letters, all her smiles were nothing but a facade. But he wouldn't change it. Nope. I wouldn't change it for the world, he thought. I loved and I lost and I'm still here. But nothing I did mattered to her. She ended up exactly where she wanted to be before I came into her life.
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Jeff closed his journal and stretched his arms over his head. Looking down at the closed journal, he realized what he had just done. He hadn't just stopped writing, or closed his journal, he closed a chapter of his life. One he understood and didn't regret, but pains him to this day.
"And from here, I move on." Jeff said aloud. "Maybe in the end nothing does matter, but I'm sure as hell not going to think about that until I've reached the end. And that's not coming for a long time if Jeff Hardy has any say in the matter!"
*Linkin Park "In The End"*
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Jeff found himself in the most familiar place. The place where he scrawls out his feelings, writes a poem or two, but most importantly, it's the place where he brings closure to his life. It's not a very environmentally suitable place, but hell, a hotel room works. Just as long as he's sprawled out across the rock-hard mattress with his feet hanging off the back with his journal open in front of him and a pen in hand, it was his place. Nothing else mattered.
This place was to achieve a very important task this chilly November eve. Jeff was ready to let go. He was ready to move on. The words stung his brain to think them, but he knew they were true. It was over. His image of perfection? No more. His love? No more. His Goddess? Proved fallible, just like everything else.
But he wanted to write. He wrote to sort out his feelings, to help himself decide what was right by listening to his pen, and not his mind. It had never steered him wrong. But his writings also served as a warning to himself. And this, he thought, is a big fucking neon flashing sign. Jeff sighed, and started to write.
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Looking back on everything that had happened, he knew where he had given things up to be with her. He realized that, and accepted that. Hell, he wouldn't change it if he went back and did it all over again. He was in love. Jeff saw through her faults, her past, and showed her true happiness. Or so he thought.
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Pausing in his writing, Jeff reread what he had just so furiously scrawled in the pages of his journal. It basically summed up the entire relationship. Once she finally broke down and told him of all the evils she had encountered, every suicide attempt, every beating, every rape, he shouldered them. Jeff realized he had to be strong for her, even though the mere thought of any of those made his sick to his stomach. He was the strong one. He tried extra hard to show her the happiness life and love can bring.
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
But it didn't work. Even with all her attempts, she started to slip back into her old way of life. She couldn't go a day without cutting herself, she said it made her feel alive. She'd do it right in front of Jeff to show him that she could, even though she knew it tore apart his insides. No matter what Jeff did, none of the flowers, the phone calls, the poems, nothing, she still couldn't stop hurting herself. But Jeff wasn't one to give up. He loved her and he was going to make her better.
But she never did get better. He ran to her house from the airport one evening with a dozen roses. He was so excited to see her, his heart was bursting with anticipation. But when he got to her home, he couldn't find her. Not at first at least. Shaking in preparation for the unknown, he went to her 'hiding spot' next to the tree in her back yard. He found her. She had stabbed herself in the chest after slicing her wrists and her throat open. Her body was covered in blood, her beautiful eyes blankly staring ahead.
After immediately throwing up several times, Jeff started towards her body. Her bones were visible through the gashes in her wrists, her head barely attached, she had sliced through her own neck so far. Jeff carefully reached up and shut her eyes. He couldn't bear to see them so peaceful, so serene, even in death. Lying under her left wrist was a note. He was praying she had left a note. Carefully sliding the bloodied paper out from under her gashed arm, he sat down against the other side of the tree, shaking uncontrollably as he read the last words and thoughts of his Goddess.
Jeff,
I know you're the only one who's going to find me. You're the only one who cares enough to look for me. And for that I thank you. You are the most amazing person I've ever met. You extended your hand to me when I couldn't find my way. You made me smile in a time of pain. But nothing you could do could make what I feel go away. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't live my life. I just couldn't. I needed to do what I've been cowardly trying to do for years. It's over Jeff. I'm sorry you met me, I'm sorry you tried to help me. Because I've been beyond help since the day I was born.
He broke down in tears. He tried to convince himself every day that she was okay. But in the back of his mind, he knew this was going to happen. It was an odd feeling. A feeling of loss, of regret, of trying to understand where he went wrong, but at the same time realizing he did everything right and nothing could be changed. His Goddess was less than a mere mortal, a cowardly one at that.
Walking back around the tree, he again saw the spectacle that became of his lover's death. Sighing, he wrapped his arms around her to move her from her death position. Jeff threw up again once he realized that the knife stuck deep into her chest had actually gone so deep that it exited her back, and was stuck two inches into the tree behind her. Shaking in horror, in disbelief, in whatever feeling he was feeling, he opened up his cell phone and dialed 911.
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
And several months later, Jeff was back where he started, in his hotel room. Sighing, Jeff paused from his writing and looked out the window. He never really made a decision what had happened to her. Did she go to Heaven? Did she go to Hell? He never knew whether to look at the sky or towards the ground when he thought about her. He was such a different person now. More reserved, more thoughtful, more closed up. She never escaped his mind though. No matter what he thought happened to her, he always imagined them flying. Still flying.
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Everything he did was a lie. Everything he tried to accomplish with her was a lie. All his poems, all her letters, all her smiles were nothing but a facade. But he wouldn't change it. Nope. I wouldn't change it for the world, he thought. I loved and I lost and I'm still here. But nothing I did mattered to her. She ended up exactly where she wanted to be before I came into her life.
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Jeff closed his journal and stretched his arms over his head. Looking down at the closed journal, he realized what he had just done. He hadn't just stopped writing, or closed his journal, he closed a chapter of his life. One he understood and didn't regret, but pains him to this day.
"And from here, I move on." Jeff said aloud. "Maybe in the end nothing does matter, but I'm sure as hell not going to think about that until I've reached the end. And that's not coming for a long time if Jeff Hardy has any say in the matter!"
*Linkin Park "In The End"*