Aug. 12 – I got the top spot in karate back. It was harder than I thought.
To stare into those eyes, and know you're going to try and hurt them… they
aren't so colorless as I thought. They only look that way from far away.
They are mostly a pale grey, it is try, but there are flecks of softer,
darker grey in them, and blue-grey, so that they're the exact color of the
sky as the rain is stopping. How do you hit something with eyes that soft
and defenseless? I had a hard time getting myself to win my spot back. But
it was a matter of honor, of pride.
He still stares at me, but it doesn't bother me quite so badly as it did. I don't think of his eyes as colorless anymore. Yamamato-san and I are tied in five classes for the top spot right now; I've got two of the others, and he's got one. The Economy is his. I'll have to get it back. Tied, I can handle, but not second. I have to be the best. I have to be better than anyone else. I have to be the smartest, the strongest, the fastest. Otherwise, I'll never be able to get some sort of a positive recognition from my father. I will have it. I'll have it if it kills me, or him. I'll make him care, make him admit that I bring him honor, and pride. I have to.
Azuro-san and I are going out tomorrow. I'm rather nervous about it, It's a good thing I do own some Western-style clothing aside from my school uniforms – if I showed up in a kimono she would never speak to me again. If I showed up in a kimono, I think ^I^ would never speak to me again. I hope her parents like me. Maybe I can see her again. Aya-chan likes her – not that that's a surprise, or important; Aya-chan likes everyone. I like her, and that is saying something; I'm not exactly the posterchild of friendly.
Mother told me today I'm going to make something of myself, if anyone cares or not. I know she was trying to tell me my father's opinion doesn't matter. It does matter. It matters horribly to me. I hate caring this much, I wish I could get over it. But I can't. I don't know why I need this confirmation so badly. But I won't rest until I get it.
He still stares at me, but it doesn't bother me quite so badly as it did. I don't think of his eyes as colorless anymore. Yamamato-san and I are tied in five classes for the top spot right now; I've got two of the others, and he's got one. The Economy is his. I'll have to get it back. Tied, I can handle, but not second. I have to be the best. I have to be better than anyone else. I have to be the smartest, the strongest, the fastest. Otherwise, I'll never be able to get some sort of a positive recognition from my father. I will have it. I'll have it if it kills me, or him. I'll make him care, make him admit that I bring him honor, and pride. I have to.
Azuro-san and I are going out tomorrow. I'm rather nervous about it, It's a good thing I do own some Western-style clothing aside from my school uniforms – if I showed up in a kimono she would never speak to me again. If I showed up in a kimono, I think ^I^ would never speak to me again. I hope her parents like me. Maybe I can see her again. Aya-chan likes her – not that that's a surprise, or important; Aya-chan likes everyone. I like her, and that is saying something; I'm not exactly the posterchild of friendly.
Mother told me today I'm going to make something of myself, if anyone cares or not. I know she was trying to tell me my father's opinion doesn't matter. It does matter. It matters horribly to me. I hate caring this much, I wish I could get over it. But I can't. I don't know why I need this confirmation so badly. But I won't rest until I get it.