The dead muggle sketch
A death eater enters a muggle shop.
Death eater: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Death eater: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Death eater: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Death eater: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this muggle what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Death eater: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Death eater: Look, matey, I know a dead muggle when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable muggles, those Norwegians, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Death eater: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Death eater: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister misfit muggle! I've got a lovely fresh crucio for you if you show...
(owner poaks the muggle with his wand)
Owner: There, he moved!
Death eater: No, he didn't, that was you poking him with your wand!
Owner: I never!!
Death eater: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Death eater: (yelling and hitting the muggle repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes muggle by the hair and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Death eater: Now that's what I call a dead muggle.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Death eater: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegians stun easily, mister death eater.
Death eater: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That muggle is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' listening to Brittney Spears songs to shut him up.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably not a Brittney fan.
Death eater: NOT A BRITTNEY FAN!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegians prefers keepin' on their back! Remarkable muggle, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Death eater: Look, I took the liberty of examining that muggle when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up straight in the first place was that it had been tied to a rake.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was tied to a rake! If I hadn't tied that muggle down, it would have grabbed your wand, poked your eyes out, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Death eater: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this muggle wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's thinking of Brittney!
Death eater: 'E's not thinkin' of Brittney! 'E's passed on! This muggle is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't tied 'im to a rake 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-MUGGLE!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of muggles.
Death eater: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.
(pause)
Death eater: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Death eater: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Death eater: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Death eater: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure. A good muggle is a dead muggle anyway.
A death eater enters a muggle shop.
Death eater: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Death eater: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Death eater: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Death eater: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this muggle what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Death eater: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Death eater: Look, matey, I know a dead muggle when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable muggles, those Norwegians, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Death eater: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Death eater: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister misfit muggle! I've got a lovely fresh crucio for you if you show...
(owner poaks the muggle with his wand)
Owner: There, he moved!
Death eater: No, he didn't, that was you poking him with your wand!
Owner: I never!!
Death eater: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Death eater: (yelling and hitting the muggle repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes muggle by the hair and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Death eater: Now that's what I call a dead muggle.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Death eater: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegians stun easily, mister death eater.
Death eater: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That muggle is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' listening to Brittney Spears songs to shut him up.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably not a Brittney fan.
Death eater: NOT A BRITTNEY FAN!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegians prefers keepin' on their back! Remarkable muggle, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Death eater: Look, I took the liberty of examining that muggle when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up straight in the first place was that it had been tied to a rake.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was tied to a rake! If I hadn't tied that muggle down, it would have grabbed your wand, poked your eyes out, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Death eater: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this muggle wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's thinking of Brittney!
Death eater: 'E's not thinkin' of Brittney! 'E's passed on! This muggle is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't tied 'im to a rake 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-MUGGLE!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of muggles.
Death eater: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.
(pause)
Death eater: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Death eater: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Death eater: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Death eater: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure. A good muggle is a dead muggle anyway.