Dear Ben
Disclaimer: Ben and the rest of the X-5's mentioned belong to James Cameron, Charles Eglee, and Fox. I own squat, although I wished I owned Zack, (*wink, *wink) Anyway, this is the last of the "Regrets to Siblings" series, although I was originally going to do one on Brin as well, it already took me long enough to do this one. So, enjoy, and please, please let me know what you think!!
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Dear Ben,
I remember you, big brother, as being a great storyteller. Oh, you'd spin some great tale about how those of us that were failures, would go to the bad place, and how the anomalies would get us if we weren't careful. I remember how you make us, Jondy and I, smile after a hard-day's training, you used to make the shadows flutter across the wall, every time it was that we couldn't sleep. I know you used to tell us those stories, to bond us together, but, you were doing more than just that, Ben. Even in ways, you probably didn't know about, you were protecting us, bonding us together, so nothing could ever come between any of us. In some ways, Ben, I thought you there for us, even more than Zack was. Zack was there to comfort us when things got bad, like when Jack died, or when Lydecker would try and beat one of us for something we did wrong, but, Zack was the one who always took the blame. Zack took the blame, but, we were the ones left to deal with the guilt that came with letting Zack take all the punishments for us. But, he was there for that too. He was there to comfort through all the hard knocks in our childhood. But, you, Ben, you were there for everything else. You were there to pick us up when we felt down, there to make us laugh, there to give us something to believe in. It was because of you that we had the Blue Lady, Ben, it was because of you. Maybe, maybe, we didn't think that she was real, but at the very least she gave us hope.
But, what I want to know is what happened to you Ben?? What happened to the brother who was there for Jondy, for Brin, for Zane, for Krit, for me, and even for Zack and Tinga when they needed you. What happened Ben?? What happened to make you lose your way, to make you become so scared, scared enough to envision killing yourself over and over again, by rounding up innocent men and tattooing your barcode on them, before killing them?? Why were you so scared Ben? what possessed you to think that that was what the Blue Lady wanted?? All those offerings of teeth and God knows what else. The one thing I've always admired about you big brother, is that you never lost faith. Through out all of this, all the pain, the destruction, the fear, you never lost faith. In the Blue Lady, or in any of us. Whatever it was that was going down, you always refused to accept the fact that it was because the Blue Lady didn't watch over us anymore, you always believed that it was because we didn't satisfy her with our offerings. The one thing I admire about you Ben, has always been your faith.
God, Ben, I'm so sorry. I pray to God, or whoever's listening every day, that I didn't have to do what I did. The only thing I can hope for now, is your forgiveness. But, I know, myself, that I don't even deserve that. I killed you Ben, I killed YOU!!!! All those years you spent comforting me, or just being there for me, and I repaid you for it, by killing you!!! God, I can't say I'm sorry because saying I'm sorry won't bring you back, and it won't ease the ache that grips me every time I think about you. Ever since you've been gone, it's like there's been this hole inside of me, this hole that no body but you can fill. But, I can't fill it, it just keeps getting beiger and bigger. And you know why?? It's because I'm what caused that hole in the first place. I don't have any right to ask for your forgiveness, when I can't even forgive myself. You loved me like a sister Ben, and you protected me too. And all I did was betray you and end your life. Even though I know that it'll never ease the betrayal that I did to you, I just want to you know, that even though saying this won't do any good that I love you, and I'm sorry. I love you, big brother, and I'm so sorry. If I could pay for it with my life, I would. I would do it, in a heartbeat, if you asked me to. And to this day, you know what my biggest wish is Ben?? I wish that there could've been some way to save you that day. If I could've saved you. We wouldn't be where we are today. I love you big brother, and I hope that you're finally safe and happy where you are. I hope that you're no longer scared, because you're in the good place now. When you see Tinga, tell her we all miss her, and we love her. But, I'll see you again someday big brother, we all will. I'll go to the good place, because of what I've done, but at least I'll see you one last time. I love you big brother, and for what it's worth, you don't how sorry I am. I'm so, so deeply sorry.
Your Little Sister,
Max