Shadows
………..
Chapter 2 : Left behind
………..
The mist of a new daybreak tinted the landscape with grey and white, then the sun tried to pierce the cloudy sky with his pale fingers. Long sharves of pinkish clouds frayed through the violet and pale red sky, and the last stars passed away, like lost night-birds.
But Aoshi didn't pay attention to the beauty of the dawn. He was still sitting on the edge of the window, a cold and lifeless statue out of place in that turmoil of bright colors. Out of place everywhere, anyway.
He hadn't slept. His conversation, or outline of conversation with Misao had preoccupied him to a point he hadn't be able to imagine.
She was sad, sad because of him, he knew that. He wanted to preserve her peace and quietness, he knew that too. He had always wanted it. And maybe it was because he had always wanted this, that he was clinging to that decision. He didn't want anything to change : he had lost so much of his former marks, that he wasn't able to face other changes.
As long as she would be a child, he could have the hope he could stay the young man he was before he committed his horrible murders.
As long as she would be a child, he wouldn't have to face the reality.
As long as she would be a child, he wouldn't have to aknowledge his own defeat, and he wouldn't have to bear the long agony of his mind, consumed by deep griefs.
Keeping her away from growing was his way of turning back time.
But, if she was still calling him 'Aoshi-sama' with the same adoration as she used to, he saw the changes in her. Her look was deepier, more serious. She was growing after all. And this was the only thing he didn't want to happen.
Aoshi was not aware of it, but he was trying desperatly to convince himself that Misao was still a child, not a woman who needed his love, but forever a child who needed his care. Whatever she could do, whatever she could say, would not weaken that conviction.
As long as he only could, he wouldn't allow her to break the so fragile walls he was building around him.
He had made his decisions. Things would remain just as they were. And so he could forget his painful guilt for hurting so badly the Oniwabanshuu, and hurting Misao so deeply.
……….
Misao woke up with the sun, as she usually did. The sunshine was warming her face, and a devilish grin found its way to her lips. There was no noise through the whole Aioya. She enjoyed that hour, when she could rest here, in peace.
But peace was not in her nature, and she couldn't stand staying here for long. She jumped on her feet, smiling. This was a new day. She was feeling good. Not even her talk with Aoshi the day before would make her change her mood.
She sneaked through the corridor, grinning at the idea the others would be surprized if she prepared the breakfast for everyone today. Usually, Okon or Omasu took care of the cooking, but today, she felt in the mood for helping in the kitchen instead of training or so.
She pushed the door of the kitchen, expecting to find it empty.
"Ohayou, Misao-chan, you're awake ?"
Omasu was already there.
"Hai", Misao grinned.
She saw Okon too.
"Oh Okon, you're back ? I was missing y…"
But the words died on her lips. The older woman sat on a chair, bruises on her cheeks and hands, and a large bandage covering her head and part of her eye.
"Okon, what happened ?!"
Okon smiled with a reassuring glance.
"A-hem, I think I overrated my own strengh ! I was coming back from Tokyo with the informations I had to find there, but the guys of the Yaminobu caught me on the road. Apparently, they're looking for Yoshida too. They wanted me to give them the informations, and I resisted. So, hmmm… They became a bit violent !"
Misao's eyes flashed with anger.
"Yaminobu ninjas ? Yaminobu jerks, yeah ! Yoshida is OUR target !! WHO in the hell do they think they are ?! I'm going to… to… I'm going to show them why Oniwabanshuu is said to be the strongest ninja's corporation !! Did they wound you ?"
"Iie, Misao-chan… They let go, but they gave me something for you."
She rummaged in a secret pocket in the sleeve of her kimono, and her fingers caught a sheet of paper that she held out to Misao.
The young okashira took the letter, opened it and read. Her face turned to violent fury, with a hint of pride that made Omasu smile.
"How dare they ?! How dare they suppose that the Oniwabanshuu are so… so lacking in honor that they would become allies with those… those so-called ninjas dealing with the yakuza ?!"
Misao crumpled the letter and threw it towards the dustbin.
"I'M gonna go to have a little conversation with their damn leader !! And I'll show him what means Makimachi Misao's anger !!"
She was turning to leave, when Okina came in the kitchen.
"Ohayou, youngsters… Misao-chan, where are you going so early ?"
Misao frowned with a tragic expression of hurt pride on her face. Omasu giggled, although the honor of the Oniwabanshuu was no topic for laughing. The young woman picked up the rumpled letter that had rolled on the ground, and held it to Okina.
"Arigato Omasu…", he said when sitting at the table. "Now let's see…"
He read, and he frowned with concern, understanding what Misao's intentions were.
"So you're going to make up for the insult ?"
Misao tried her best to look calm and posed.
"Of course ! I can't let them suppose such a depravity in the Oniwabanshuu !"
Okina glanced at her, straight in the eyes. And suddenly, she realized how old, how tired he looked. And in a way, it made her feel both sad and proud. She was not a child anymore. She was the one who lead the Oniwabanshuu, a woman, now… But she couldn't count on him anymore, too. He was tired of being Okina the ninja, Okina the surrogate grandfather who cared about her so much. Not that he didn't love her anymore ; but she had now to make her own life. Open up her own way.
She sighed.
"I'm going now.", she said.
"I'll come with you, if you don't mind", a cold, low voice said from a shady corner of the room.
Aoshi. She sighed once more. His behavior was exasperant to her spured sensitivity. Why didn't he even point out his presence to the other ones ? And, first of all, why did he always look at her like at a child that needed his constant protection ?
Misao sniffled, turning her cold anger against Aoshi.
"No thanks, I'll do it on my own."
Aoshi's face didn't betray a hint of surprize, but Misao felt him stiffen.
"Ah-ah. I have to do in the downtown, that's why I proposed to come with you there. But if you want to walk on your own, that doesn't matter."
Misao's frustration weakened. She was stupid after all. He hadn't proposed his protection but his compagny, and she was reacting with misplaced pride that may hurt him more than bring them together.
"Oh, ok. I'll be pleased to walk along with you."
Aoshi bowed slightly.
"Would you mind if we're going now ?"
"That would be perfect."
Their uneasy and overpolite conversation felt disagreeable to Misao. She wanted to go now, to escape to the cold tensed atmosphere of the dining room.
She ran trough the door, looking more perturbed than angry. Strange thoughts were assailing her of her conversation with Aoshi the night before. Thoughts of the way he had shown her he didn't want her to stay. Thoughts of the teasing voices in her head.
She would take advantage of their walk to talk with Aoshi. And no way one of them was going to slip away this time. She had made her decision, and nobody could make her change her mind.
…………….
The only word Misao could have used to describe the atmosphere was : tensed. Ever since they had left the Aioya, Aoshi hadn't even unclenched his teeth. Added to her anger against the Yaminobu jerks, that made her felt in utter rage.
The soft sun of the dawn had been quickly covered by a dark, stormy amount of clouds, and the warm air was charged with electricity. It was unusually hot for a spring day, and the moist warmth announced the scorching heats of the next summer.
As always, she was the one who babbled to prevent a heavy silence from taking a firm hold. And that damned Aoshi-sama who didn't even answer ! For making things difficult to her, he was easily the best. She didn't know how to tackle the topic.
Didn't he see how embarrassed she was ? He could give her a hand, damnit !
And she was babbling, and babbling, and giggling, and babbling, doing everything she could in order to hide her discomfort.
She let a fleeting sunshine warm her face a moment, and took a long inspiration. The earlier she would have told it, the faster the problem would be solved. And then they could have a new start.
"Aoshi-sama…"
Damn. What had she planed to say ? Everything forgotten. Find an idea, quick. Tell something. Anything.
"Aoshi-sama, you know… I've… I've worked hard, and I've tried my best to become a good okashira… But… I think something is missing…"
Aoshi didn't react.
"And I… thought that perhaps… perhaps you would like to…"
Misao saw a hint of reaction in Aoshi's distant gaze. She was shaping well.
She gathered her courage.
"Perhaps you would like to take the title back, until I'll be able to cope with it at least. I know you're a very good okashira, far better than I am. Don't you think that would be great ?"
Aoshi stiffened. His look tightened. He clenched his teeth.
When he turned his dark eyes towards Misao, his face was so tensed and unfathomable that she shivered.
And then he spoke, his voice cold like death. Sharp like a blade.
"Can't you stop bothering me with your babbling for a while ? Do you think I care about the childish concerns of a… kid who wants to play the okashira ?"
………..
As soon as the words escaped his lips, Aoshi knew all the pain he was causing to Misao. If he had only could, he would have caught them back, erased them, cut them in a thousand of fragments with his swords.
He would have done anything, if only he could melt away the deseparate sadness in Misao's eyes.
But it was too late. Everything that could have existed between them had been broken. A single sentence had destroyed the complicity, the mutual care and trust, the peace of their quiet relationship.
And, worst of all, a single sentence that he didn't think at all.
Misao wasn't able to understand all the sufferings he had endured, all the pain he had felt, and all the loneliness he couldn't share. This was not a matter of age, but of experience. She couldn't know how her request was painful to him. And she still didn't understand, glaring at him in confusion.
Aoshi had acted by self-protection, by fear of the horrible memories that would shoot up in his mind. The burden of his friends' death still lay heavy on his conscience, and Misao had unwillingly revived the open wound in his heart.
And she stood here, a few steps away, staring at him, her blue eyes filled with bitter tears, shaking her head in utter disbelief.
He wanted to wrap her in his embrace, to comfort her, to repair for the sorrow he was causing. But he knew that he couldn't. He wasn't strong enough. Weakened by his own shame and despair, all he could do was staring at her in return and praying for her to see the genuine sorry look in his eyes.
I'm sorry. You're so pure, so innocent. I wanted to preserve your peace and quietness, but all I can do is to destroy it. I'm sorry.
He saw her clenching her teeth behind her trembling lips, in order to contain her tears.
Then suddenly, she let out a hurt cry, knocked into him and ran as fast as she could, as far away from him as it was possible.
Aoshi didn't try to run after her. He streched out his hand and unwillingly brushed her cheek as she hit him in her wild course. The soft touch of her warm skin made his heart wrench with deep sadness.
………..
Chapter 2 : Left behind
………..
The mist of a new daybreak tinted the landscape with grey and white, then the sun tried to pierce the cloudy sky with his pale fingers. Long sharves of pinkish clouds frayed through the violet and pale red sky, and the last stars passed away, like lost night-birds.
But Aoshi didn't pay attention to the beauty of the dawn. He was still sitting on the edge of the window, a cold and lifeless statue out of place in that turmoil of bright colors. Out of place everywhere, anyway.
He hadn't slept. His conversation, or outline of conversation with Misao had preoccupied him to a point he hadn't be able to imagine.
She was sad, sad because of him, he knew that. He wanted to preserve her peace and quietness, he knew that too. He had always wanted it. And maybe it was because he had always wanted this, that he was clinging to that decision. He didn't want anything to change : he had lost so much of his former marks, that he wasn't able to face other changes.
As long as she would be a child, he could have the hope he could stay the young man he was before he committed his horrible murders.
As long as she would be a child, he wouldn't have to face the reality.
As long as she would be a child, he wouldn't have to aknowledge his own defeat, and he wouldn't have to bear the long agony of his mind, consumed by deep griefs.
Keeping her away from growing was his way of turning back time.
But, if she was still calling him 'Aoshi-sama' with the same adoration as she used to, he saw the changes in her. Her look was deepier, more serious. She was growing after all. And this was the only thing he didn't want to happen.
Aoshi was not aware of it, but he was trying desperatly to convince himself that Misao was still a child, not a woman who needed his love, but forever a child who needed his care. Whatever she could do, whatever she could say, would not weaken that conviction.
As long as he only could, he wouldn't allow her to break the so fragile walls he was building around him.
He had made his decisions. Things would remain just as they were. And so he could forget his painful guilt for hurting so badly the Oniwabanshuu, and hurting Misao so deeply.
……….
Misao woke up with the sun, as she usually did. The sunshine was warming her face, and a devilish grin found its way to her lips. There was no noise through the whole Aioya. She enjoyed that hour, when she could rest here, in peace.
But peace was not in her nature, and she couldn't stand staying here for long. She jumped on her feet, smiling. This was a new day. She was feeling good. Not even her talk with Aoshi the day before would make her change her mood.
She sneaked through the corridor, grinning at the idea the others would be surprized if she prepared the breakfast for everyone today. Usually, Okon or Omasu took care of the cooking, but today, she felt in the mood for helping in the kitchen instead of training or so.
She pushed the door of the kitchen, expecting to find it empty.
"Ohayou, Misao-chan, you're awake ?"
Omasu was already there.
"Hai", Misao grinned.
She saw Okon too.
"Oh Okon, you're back ? I was missing y…"
But the words died on her lips. The older woman sat on a chair, bruises on her cheeks and hands, and a large bandage covering her head and part of her eye.
"Okon, what happened ?!"
Okon smiled with a reassuring glance.
"A-hem, I think I overrated my own strengh ! I was coming back from Tokyo with the informations I had to find there, but the guys of the Yaminobu caught me on the road. Apparently, they're looking for Yoshida too. They wanted me to give them the informations, and I resisted. So, hmmm… They became a bit violent !"
Misao's eyes flashed with anger.
"Yaminobu ninjas ? Yaminobu jerks, yeah ! Yoshida is OUR target !! WHO in the hell do they think they are ?! I'm going to… to… I'm going to show them why Oniwabanshuu is said to be the strongest ninja's corporation !! Did they wound you ?"
"Iie, Misao-chan… They let go, but they gave me something for you."
She rummaged in a secret pocket in the sleeve of her kimono, and her fingers caught a sheet of paper that she held out to Misao.
The young okashira took the letter, opened it and read. Her face turned to violent fury, with a hint of pride that made Omasu smile.
"How dare they ?! How dare they suppose that the Oniwabanshuu are so… so lacking in honor that they would become allies with those… those so-called ninjas dealing with the yakuza ?!"
Misao crumpled the letter and threw it towards the dustbin.
"I'M gonna go to have a little conversation with their damn leader !! And I'll show him what means Makimachi Misao's anger !!"
She was turning to leave, when Okina came in the kitchen.
"Ohayou, youngsters… Misao-chan, where are you going so early ?"
Misao frowned with a tragic expression of hurt pride on her face. Omasu giggled, although the honor of the Oniwabanshuu was no topic for laughing. The young woman picked up the rumpled letter that had rolled on the ground, and held it to Okina.
"Arigato Omasu…", he said when sitting at the table. "Now let's see…"
He read, and he frowned with concern, understanding what Misao's intentions were.
"So you're going to make up for the insult ?"
Misao tried her best to look calm and posed.
"Of course ! I can't let them suppose such a depravity in the Oniwabanshuu !"
Okina glanced at her, straight in the eyes. And suddenly, she realized how old, how tired he looked. And in a way, it made her feel both sad and proud. She was not a child anymore. She was the one who lead the Oniwabanshuu, a woman, now… But she couldn't count on him anymore, too. He was tired of being Okina the ninja, Okina the surrogate grandfather who cared about her so much. Not that he didn't love her anymore ; but she had now to make her own life. Open up her own way.
She sighed.
"I'm going now.", she said.
"I'll come with you, if you don't mind", a cold, low voice said from a shady corner of the room.
Aoshi. She sighed once more. His behavior was exasperant to her spured sensitivity. Why didn't he even point out his presence to the other ones ? And, first of all, why did he always look at her like at a child that needed his constant protection ?
Misao sniffled, turning her cold anger against Aoshi.
"No thanks, I'll do it on my own."
Aoshi's face didn't betray a hint of surprize, but Misao felt him stiffen.
"Ah-ah. I have to do in the downtown, that's why I proposed to come with you there. But if you want to walk on your own, that doesn't matter."
Misao's frustration weakened. She was stupid after all. He hadn't proposed his protection but his compagny, and she was reacting with misplaced pride that may hurt him more than bring them together.
"Oh, ok. I'll be pleased to walk along with you."
Aoshi bowed slightly.
"Would you mind if we're going now ?"
"That would be perfect."
Their uneasy and overpolite conversation felt disagreeable to Misao. She wanted to go now, to escape to the cold tensed atmosphere of the dining room.
She ran trough the door, looking more perturbed than angry. Strange thoughts were assailing her of her conversation with Aoshi the night before. Thoughts of the way he had shown her he didn't want her to stay. Thoughts of the teasing voices in her head.
She would take advantage of their walk to talk with Aoshi. And no way one of them was going to slip away this time. She had made her decision, and nobody could make her change her mind.
…………….
The only word Misao could have used to describe the atmosphere was : tensed. Ever since they had left the Aioya, Aoshi hadn't even unclenched his teeth. Added to her anger against the Yaminobu jerks, that made her felt in utter rage.
The soft sun of the dawn had been quickly covered by a dark, stormy amount of clouds, and the warm air was charged with electricity. It was unusually hot for a spring day, and the moist warmth announced the scorching heats of the next summer.
As always, she was the one who babbled to prevent a heavy silence from taking a firm hold. And that damned Aoshi-sama who didn't even answer ! For making things difficult to her, he was easily the best. She didn't know how to tackle the topic.
Didn't he see how embarrassed she was ? He could give her a hand, damnit !
And she was babbling, and babbling, and giggling, and babbling, doing everything she could in order to hide her discomfort.
She let a fleeting sunshine warm her face a moment, and took a long inspiration. The earlier she would have told it, the faster the problem would be solved. And then they could have a new start.
"Aoshi-sama…"
Damn. What had she planed to say ? Everything forgotten. Find an idea, quick. Tell something. Anything.
"Aoshi-sama, you know… I've… I've worked hard, and I've tried my best to become a good okashira… But… I think something is missing…"
Aoshi didn't react.
"And I… thought that perhaps… perhaps you would like to…"
Misao saw a hint of reaction in Aoshi's distant gaze. She was shaping well.
She gathered her courage.
"Perhaps you would like to take the title back, until I'll be able to cope with it at least. I know you're a very good okashira, far better than I am. Don't you think that would be great ?"
Aoshi stiffened. His look tightened. He clenched his teeth.
When he turned his dark eyes towards Misao, his face was so tensed and unfathomable that she shivered.
And then he spoke, his voice cold like death. Sharp like a blade.
"Can't you stop bothering me with your babbling for a while ? Do you think I care about the childish concerns of a… kid who wants to play the okashira ?"
………..
As soon as the words escaped his lips, Aoshi knew all the pain he was causing to Misao. If he had only could, he would have caught them back, erased them, cut them in a thousand of fragments with his swords.
He would have done anything, if only he could melt away the deseparate sadness in Misao's eyes.
But it was too late. Everything that could have existed between them had been broken. A single sentence had destroyed the complicity, the mutual care and trust, the peace of their quiet relationship.
And, worst of all, a single sentence that he didn't think at all.
Misao wasn't able to understand all the sufferings he had endured, all the pain he had felt, and all the loneliness he couldn't share. This was not a matter of age, but of experience. She couldn't know how her request was painful to him. And she still didn't understand, glaring at him in confusion.
Aoshi had acted by self-protection, by fear of the horrible memories that would shoot up in his mind. The burden of his friends' death still lay heavy on his conscience, and Misao had unwillingly revived the open wound in his heart.
And she stood here, a few steps away, staring at him, her blue eyes filled with bitter tears, shaking her head in utter disbelief.
He wanted to wrap her in his embrace, to comfort her, to repair for the sorrow he was causing. But he knew that he couldn't. He wasn't strong enough. Weakened by his own shame and despair, all he could do was staring at her in return and praying for her to see the genuine sorry look in his eyes.
I'm sorry. You're so pure, so innocent. I wanted to preserve your peace and quietness, but all I can do is to destroy it. I'm sorry.
He saw her clenching her teeth behind her trembling lips, in order to contain her tears.
Then suddenly, she let out a hurt cry, knocked into him and ran as fast as she could, as far away from him as it was possible.
Aoshi didn't try to run after her. He streched out his hand and unwillingly brushed her cheek as she hit him in her wild course. The soft touch of her warm skin made his heart wrench with deep sadness.