No More Lies

Note: Don't own the characters, but I do own this story. It's rated PG-13 for mature content. WARNING: Contains homosexual themes. If this is not your cup of tea, don't read it. 

Part 1. The Big Secret

Lucy Camden felt a cold blast from the air conditioning as she entered the door of the restaurant. For a second, she was blinded by the contrast between the bright sun and the cool, dim interior lighting, and she took off her sunglasses and blinked several times. Even when her vision came back, she still didn't see him. She glanced around, peering behind columns and hanging lamps until she finally spotted him sitting at a table on the shaded patio.

She watched him for a moment, trying to guess his mood. He was slouching back in his seat with his long legs stretched out in front of him, hands folded in a little tent in front of his face. His heavy brows were furrowed, and he stared out at nothing with an angry, preoccupied expression. She knew him well enough to know that he often looked angry when he wasn't really, but still, his body language indicated that he was wrestling with a problem. All the student counseling she had done had taught her the signs. Plus, she noted unhappily, he had ordered a pitcher of margaritas, presumably for them to share, but almost half the pitcher was already gone.

Taking a deep breath, she pushed her sunglasses onto the top of her head to hold back her blond hair and stepped out onto the patio to greet her brother.

Simon stood up and smiled when he saw her. "Hey Lucy, how've you been? It's great to see you!"

They hugged tightly, and he even pulled out her chair for her. "It's great to see you too," she said and quickly poured herself a very large margarita. She didn't intend to drink it, but she didn't want him finishing a whole pitcher all by himself either.

"So how is Jason?" Simon inquired.

Lucy still couldn't help but smile whenever she heard the name of her husband of just over two years. "He's doing really well at Celtech," she replied. "He's out here as their representative at the Biotech 2007 convention, and he's expecting to be promoted to head of the promotions group any day now. And he'll get a raise!"

"That's wonderful," Simon enthused.

"Yeah, and when I get my degree next summer, we'll be set," Lucy grinned.

"Set for what? To start popping out kids?"

"Jeez, Simon, you don't have to put it that way." But he was only teasing, she could tell.

The conversation paused. Lucy felt the light mood pass, and whatever was weighing on her brother seemed to hang over the table like a shadow. She watched uncomfortably as Simon topped off his drink.

When Simon had gone off to college almost two years ago, it had been a shock to the whole family. He had presented them with his admission as pretty much a fait accompli – he had apparently applied, been accepted, arranged for his own financial aid, and made all his travel plans without anyone in the family knowing about it, not even Ruthie. Their parents had been worried and unwilling to let him go so far from home, but his extensive planning had impressed them, and in the end they let him go, just as they had let her go to New York after she graduated from high school. But, unlike Lucy, Simon had never been back. He claimed that he needed to save his money and thus couldn't afford to travel, and at first no one doubted it, knowing what a miser he had always been. He held jobs that required him to stay over all of his school breaks; he had even arranged to housesit for vacationing professors during the summer. After a while, though, it had become glaringly obvious that he was staying away on purpose. No one in the family ever spoke about it, continuing to maintain the pretense that he was too poor or needed to work over his vacations, but everyone had realized it. For his part, Simon had continued to call every week without fail and send frequent e-mails, but he had never returned home.

Due to her husband's occasional business trips to the area, Lucy was the only one in the family who had seen him recently. A couple of times a year she and her brother would meet for lunch. Last year he had even managed to stage a surprise birthday party for her in the restaurant, saying that he felt bad for missing her birthday every year. Yet it had been just the three of them at the party -- her and Simon and Jason -- and she realized in retrospect that she had only briefly met his friends; they would be introduced in passing, and then they would quickly disappear. Simon had discussed his classes and his career plans and some of the jobs he'd had, but he never talked about anything more personal. It unnerved her to realize that she had allowed her little brother to become almost a stranger.

Simon made an effort to rise out of his gloom. "So how's everybody back home?" he asked brightly.

"Oh, the twins are so happy," Lucy babbled, knowing that they were stalling for time. "Their soccer team is number one in all of Glenoak, and they get to travel around and play kids in other towns now. Ruthie aced her SATs, of course, and now she's getting letters from every college in the country. Matt and Sarah and the boys are doing fine – he's working all the time, but he loves it. And Mary drops by every now and then, when she's on a layover." She leaned in and put her hand on his. "You know, they'd all really like to talk to you more. Actually, what they'd like most is to see you. Can't you afford to go to Glenoak just for a couple of weeks?'

"Too expensive," he replied automatically, removing his hand and taking a swig of his margarita. "Besides, I've got my job to think about." Avoiding her reproachful gaze, he hunched over in his chair and stared at the Mexican tile tabletop.

Silence fell. Lucy wanted to say something, just to get the conversation started again, but she knew better. This was the time to wait people out, let them gather up the courage to say whatever it was they were determined to say.  She took a tiny sip of her drink to keep herself from talking.

After an uncomfortable amount of time, Simon abruptly said, "I guess I should just tell you what I wanted to talk to you about." He fidgeted in his chair, and at last sat back and looked her in the eye, his heavy brows scowling over the clear blue eyes. "Mom and Dad are coming out to visit. They're going to be here next month, and there's something that I really have to tell them, but I don't know how."

Lucy held her breath and waited. Here it comes, she thought.

"I'm gay," he said finally, very quietly.

Lucy could tell that he was watching her face, trying to gage her response. She carefully tried to keep her expression calm and neutral, even though a thousand emotions seemed to be rushing through her all at once. His eyes were locked on hers, and she could see his feelings in them: fear, and worry, and almost desperate hope that she would do or say the right thing. But what was the right thing?

"I know," she answered at last.

Simon seemed incredulous. "You know?"

"I kind of guessed," Lucy confessed. "It was pretty easy to see that there was something in your life that you didn't want the family to know about. I just put two and two together."

Simon leaned back in the chair, still carefully watching her face. "So, I guess you're not shocked. Or are you?" he asked.

Lucy ran through all the possible responses in her head. She didn't want to lie, but could she really be truthful without hurting him?

"I don't know," she said miserably. "I mean, I've been wondering for months what I was going to say to you at this moment, and I still don't know what to say."

Lucy took a deep breath. "We both know what the Bible has to say about it," she began. Hope drained out of Simon's eyes and the dark look came back into his face. "Wait, wait," she added hurriedly. "I'm not finished yet. Just hear me out. I was going to add that the Bible also has preaching in it that we don't follow. We don't keep slaves or beat our wives today, and in my comparative religions class we read a lot of very prominent religious people who think that we should change our thinking about homosexuality as well."

'Thanks for the Sunday school lesson," Simon said in the old snotty tone she remembered so well, "but what I want to know is, what do you think?"

"I'm trying to say that I'm not really sure what to think." Lucy said slowly. "Maybe if you tell me something about how you feel. I mean, you know, when did you realize it – that you were gay? When you were in junior high and high school, you went out with girls. You had that girlfriend, Deena."

Simon was clearly considering whether or not he wanted to tell her. This was obviously not a direction that he had anticipated for the conversation. After a few minutes of thought, he shrugged and started talking.

"It was in high school, actually," he replied. "Yeah, I went out with girls, but that's what everyone did. You know? I did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do."

"Well, you sure did seem attached to Deena."

"I know. It's hard to remember now how I felt about her back then, but I think I really loved her -- as a friend mostly, though. We kissed and stuff, but I never was interested in anything else with her. I never even thought about it going any further. It was just, she's my girlfriend, this is what you do with your girlfriend. Then in high school, I  … you know, other kids were having sex and talking about it, and I wanted to know what it was all about. I thought that once I figured out what it was like, then I'd feel more … I guess …  passionate about it. Or maybe I just hadn't found the right girl yet, or something. That must sound stupid."

"No, it doesn't. Go on. What happened?"

"What happened was, I met a guy." Simon paused here and looked down at the table again.

Lucy tried to maintain her neutral tone. "Was this while you were still in high school?"

"Yeah."

"Was he older than you?"

"Yeah," Simon replied. "Not that much older," he added quickly when he saw the look that crossed Lucy's face. "It wasn't anything like that. He was a senior and I was a sophomore, that's all. We had some classes together and we used to study for tests at his house and …"

Here Simon's voice trailed off into silence. He stared morosely at the tabletop, not daring to look up and risk meeting Lucy's eyes. He guessed that she was probably trying to keep her feelings at this news under control, and he didn't want to have to watch her struggling with it.

After a while she said, "And how did you feel about … him?"

"It was completely different. I remember saying to myself, so that's why songs and poems and stuff are always going on about love. I literally couldn't think about anything else. And when I found out that he felt the same way . . . it was amazing. I guess I should have been thinking about sin and whatever, but I didn't. I was just so goddamned happy."

He caught the look on Lucy's face again. "Luce, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. We … I told myself that because it wasn't with a girl it didn't count, and we pretended to be just friends so we could be alone together and nobody would suspect anything. And then he graduated and went away to college, and I was so lonely and so confused. I was even going out with girls again, trying to pretend that nothing had happened, and telling myself the same excuses -- that I just had to meet the right girl and not think about him and it would all go away. But I was completely torn up inside, all the time."

Lucy softened at the sound of the pain in her brother's voice. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Who could I tell? I was absolutely panicking that Mom or Dad or, God forbid, Ruthie would find out. I was sure that they were suspicious and at any minute they'd be confronting me, demanding answers, and what could I say?" Simon paused to take a deep breath. Conscious of the pressure of Lucy's hand on his, he squeezed back gently, gratefully. "Anyway, I decided that I couldn't stay there, I had to get away so I could figure things out. I started collecting college brochures and typing up application letters on the school computers after class. I had a whole stack of them hidden in my closet, inside the lining of my old Matchbox cars case. I used to look at them at night when nobody else was awake, until one day I noticed some stuff moved in my closet and I realized Ruthie had been in it. I don't know what she was looking for, but I knew it wasn't safe to keep the brochures, so I threw them out in the Dumpster behind the school."

"Do you really think Mom and Dad would have freaked out over college brochures?"

"C'mon, Luce, would they have let me take off across the country to go to college if I hadn't already made all the arrangements myself? They wanted me to stay at Crawford, just like all you guys, and I knew I couldn't do that. So anyway, by the time I left, I was hoping that I'd find a way to work all my problems out and none of you would ever have to know about them. I think I still had some crazy ideas back then, like maybe I could try to change myself somehow."

"But there are people who say they can change gay people. There are case histories of people who have changed."

Simon glowered at her. "Do you really believe that?" he asked furiously. "Do you really believe that I'm just being stubborn and not trying hard enough to get myself together and be like everybody else? Do you think I'd put myself through something like this just for laughs? Or that it's some kind of crazy rebellious phase?"

Lucy sighed. "No, Simon, I don't believe that. You know I don't. But you also know that Mom and Dad will think that it's … a temptation, and you've just got to resist it."

"It's not just a temptation, Luce. Believe me, I tried to tell myself that same thing, over and over, but it doesn't make sense. It's so much a part of me that I can't just will it away. I can't help how I feel any more than you can, or anybody else. And I can't go on hating a part of myself, it just means I'll end up hating all of me eventually. That's how important it is."

Simon slumped in his chair, still clutching her hand. "That's why I need you, Luce," he said. "When Mom and Dad come, I'm going to have to tell them. I can't keep it a secret forever. It's just about killed me these past four years. I know they're not going to be happy and it may ruin whatever relationship I've got left with them, but I've got to tell them. And I need you to tell me how."