Author: Mara Kraus (not really)
Rating: PG-13
Note: Here's a new instalment! Do not read if you don't like to read about gays and the like. Please remember that this a joke. The great man who wrote this is just poking fun at Marvel. There is also a message from the author. I suggest you read it. Please r&r. Peace!
NEW YORK - The house of ideas is at it again, and they've come up with a
brilliant new plan to further improve the X-titles.
"All of the male characters will become homosexuals, starting with the Beast,"
Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said. "All of them except Wolverine, of
course. The females will be bisexuals and Wolverine will be the only guy who
gets to bang them."
"They're all gonna be gay," writer Grant Morrison said. "I'm starting with
Beast and next Cyclops and Gambit will be involved with each other."
The brash move comes as a startling revelation, especially for characters who
have long since been established as heterosexual in previous issues.
"Huh? There was issues before we came along?" Marvel President Bill Jemas
said. "You're joking, right? There weren't any X-Men before we came along. We
invented these characters and we can do whatever we want with them."
Gambit and Cyclops are scheduled to get their own MAX series, which will also
have Rogue and Jean Grey as a lesbian couple. The four will share an
apartment, a la something out of "Friends," but with more of a "Sex in the
City" feel.
"Basically, Jean finds herself attracted to Rogue after seeing her come out of
the shower," Morrison said. "They make skin contact, but since Jean has
psychic powers, she can block off Rogue's absorption power. They go on to have
a steamy lesbian scene in the first issue."
"Cylcops finds himself wanting something more exciting than Jean," Morrison
added. "And since Gambit hasn't been established as gay I figured we can make
him gay and the excitement Scott is craving."
Morrison looked astonished when it was pointed out that Gambit defiunately
preferred women and had banged Belladonna, Rogue, Claire de Luc, a random
female he rescued for a washed-up crime boss, Sehkmet Conoway, Lila Cheney in
an alternate reality, Storm in an alternate reality and other females.
"What are you talking about?" Morrison said. "He never did any of those women.
How could he? I've never even written Gambit before!"
The new MAX comic is slated for a November release.
"We think this change is going to go over real well," Quesada said. "Hey, it
worked for 'Will and Grace' so why not the X-Men?"
OTHER MARVEL NEWS
Janitor Roger Scmirnikov was fired after 13 years of service.
"We felt it was time for a change," Quesada said. "Besides, he used Toilet
Duck and we specifically wanted Clorox!"
Cabana Claremont has gone AWOL, leaving the "Artie and Leech" project in
limbo. He was last seen crawling through a ventilation duct in the women's
bathroom.
"Well, since no one actually uses that bathroom we locked him in there for
refusing to make me mai tais," Quesada said. "Sadly we forgot about the
ventilation ducts. We have a team of rabid pit bulls sniffing through the
ducts even as we speak. We'll get him back, and rest assued "Artie and Leech"
will happen.
*****
DISCLAIMER: This is not a knock on gays, this is a knock on Marvel's tendency
to go overboard with every change they make. I am not anti-gay, do not send me
email telling me I am anti-gay. It will be ignored, because I've already
stated I am not anti-gay. If you can't take my word for it here, why would I
bother replying to a scathing email, knowing your mind has already been made
up? Exactly. Have a good day!
Rating: PG-13
Note: Here's a new instalment! Do not read if you don't like to read about gays and the like. Please remember that this a joke. The great man who wrote this is just poking fun at Marvel. There is also a message from the author. I suggest you read it. Please r&r. Peace!
NEW YORK - The house of ideas is at it again, and they've come up with a
brilliant new plan to further improve the X-titles.
"All of the male characters will become homosexuals, starting with the Beast,"
Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said. "All of them except Wolverine, of
course. The females will be bisexuals and Wolverine will be the only guy who
gets to bang them."
"They're all gonna be gay," writer Grant Morrison said. "I'm starting with
Beast and next Cyclops and Gambit will be involved with each other."
The brash move comes as a startling revelation, especially for characters who
have long since been established as heterosexual in previous issues.
"Huh? There was issues before we came along?" Marvel President Bill Jemas
said. "You're joking, right? There weren't any X-Men before we came along. We
invented these characters and we can do whatever we want with them."
Gambit and Cyclops are scheduled to get their own MAX series, which will also
have Rogue and Jean Grey as a lesbian couple. The four will share an
apartment, a la something out of "Friends," but with more of a "Sex in the
City" feel.
"Basically, Jean finds herself attracted to Rogue after seeing her come out of
the shower," Morrison said. "They make skin contact, but since Jean has
psychic powers, she can block off Rogue's absorption power. They go on to have
a steamy lesbian scene in the first issue."
"Cylcops finds himself wanting something more exciting than Jean," Morrison
added. "And since Gambit hasn't been established as gay I figured we can make
him gay and the excitement Scott is craving."
Morrison looked astonished when it was pointed out that Gambit defiunately
preferred women and had banged Belladonna, Rogue, Claire de Luc, a random
female he rescued for a washed-up crime boss, Sehkmet Conoway, Lila Cheney in
an alternate reality, Storm in an alternate reality and other females.
"What are you talking about?" Morrison said. "He never did any of those women.
How could he? I've never even written Gambit before!"
The new MAX comic is slated for a November release.
"We think this change is going to go over real well," Quesada said. "Hey, it
worked for 'Will and Grace' so why not the X-Men?"
OTHER MARVEL NEWS
Janitor Roger Scmirnikov was fired after 13 years of service.
"We felt it was time for a change," Quesada said. "Besides, he used Toilet
Duck and we specifically wanted Clorox!"
Cabana Claremont has gone AWOL, leaving the "Artie and Leech" project in
limbo. He was last seen crawling through a ventilation duct in the women's
bathroom.
"Well, since no one actually uses that bathroom we locked him in there for
refusing to make me mai tais," Quesada said. "Sadly we forgot about the
ventilation ducts. We have a team of rabid pit bulls sniffing through the
ducts even as we speak. We'll get him back, and rest assued "Artie and Leech"
will happen.
*****
DISCLAIMER: This is not a knock on gays, this is a knock on Marvel's tendency
to go overboard with every change they make. I am not anti-gay, do not send me
email telling me I am anti-gay. It will be ignored, because I've already
stated I am not anti-gay. If you can't take my word for it here, why would I
bother replying to a scathing email, knowing your mind has already been made
up? Exactly. Have a good day!