A/N- This is Aragorn's diary using the storyboard of Adrian Mole's diary.
I've tried to make it funny. Please don't flame me. I've got my GCSE's in
three weeks and I still have yet to pick up a book and revise. Please give
me a nice review instead................in case you were wondering this is
set AFTER the War of the Ring. Nobody could be bothered going to the
Undying Lands and most of them are staying in Aragorn's castle in Minas
Tirith, which makes it very easy to create the humour....
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The Diary of Aragorn aged 42 and Three Quarters
JANUARY
Thursday 1st January
These are my New Year's Resolutions-
1. I will help the blind (Gandalf) cross the road
2. I will put Anduril back in it's case after use
3. I will stop worrying about my chin dimple
4. I will help the poor and ignorant (Merry & Pippin)
5. After witnessing the discusting scenes at the party last night, I have vowed never to get drunk again
Sam got Bill the pony drunk on cherry brandy at the party last night. If the R.S.P.C.A hear about it he could get done. Eight days have gone by since Christmas but Arwen still hasn't worn the Lurex apron that I bought her. She will get bathcubes next year.
Friday 2nd January
I feel rotten today. It is Galadriel's fault for singing My Way at three o clock in the morning outside mine and Arwen's bedroom. It was enough to wake the dead. Just my luck to have a Grandmother in-law like her! I think there is a chance that her and Celeborn could be alcoholics. I think my chin dimple to turning into a boil. It is Arwen's fault for not knowing about vitamins.
Saturday 3rd January
I shall go mad through lack of sleep!
Arwen banned Bill from the castle so he neighed outside the window all night. Just my luck. Legolas shouted a swear word at Bill. If he's not careful he could get done for obscene language. I am sure the simple is a boil. Just my luck to have it where everyone can see it. I pointed out to Arwen that I haven't had any vitamin c today and she just said ''Go and buy an orange then.'' This is typical. She still hasn't worn the apron. I will be glad to get back to my Kingly duties at this rate.
Sunday 4th January
Elrond has got the flu. I'm not surprised with the diet we get. Arwen went out in the rain to get him a vitamin drink but as I said ''It's too late now, It's a miracle we don't all get scurvy.'' Arwen says she can't see anything on my chin but she is lying because the boil is massive today. Bill has run off because Sam didn't tie him up properly. I have broken Elrond's music box but nobody has noticed. With a bit of luck, Elrond will be ill for a long time. Still no sign of the apron.
Monday 5th January
Bill hasn't come back yet. It's peaceful without him. Sam is putting up posters around Minas Tirith. I think the people of Minas Tirith have got better things to do than look for a lost pony, like make sure I don't get murdered. I told Sam this but he still put the posters up. It will be his fault if I get murdered.
Elrond is still lazing around in bed. He is supposed to be ill, but I noticed he is still smoking pipe-weed!
Tuesday 6th January
Bill is back. He got in trouble by walking into a paddock in Rohan and attempting to impregnate Eomer's best stud mare, so we will end up with a fine I expect. Eomer said that Sam should keep better care of Bill and then he asked how long he had been lame. Sam looked in Bill's hoof and found the Phial of Galadriel. Frodo mumbled something about misplacing it and then walked off. Bill was very pleased when Sam took the Phial out. He slobbered all over Eomer's tunic. Arwen wiped the tunic with the kitchen cloth, but the cloth had jam on it from where I had wiped the knife so the tunic was worse than ever. Eomer left then. I'm sure he swore. I could report him for that.
Wednesday 7th January
My boil/dimple has reached it's peak. Surely it can't get any bigger?!
I found a word in the dictionary that describes Elrond. It is 'Malingerer'. He is till in bed guzzling vitamin c. Bill is locked in the gardener's shed.
Thursday 8th January
Now Arwen has flu. Typical. This means I will have to look after her and Elrond. I have been up and down the stairs all day. They didn't eat any of the tea I made them. I almost said something. I gave it to Bill in the shed. Gandalf is coming round tommorow for a visit so I had to take Bill for a walk and then scrub the burnt saucepans. It was half eleven before I got to bed. No wonder I am stressed.
Friday 9th January
It was Cough Cough Cough last night. If it wasn't one it was the other, you'd think they'd show some consideration after the hard day I'd had.
Gandalf came and was discusted with the state of the castle. He let Bill out of the shed. He said Arwen was cruel to lock him up. Bill was sick all over the courtyard. Gandalf locked him up again. He squeezed by boil....it made it worse.
Saturday 10th January
Now Bill is ill!
He keeps being sick so Sam has sent for the vet from the Shire. I have put a plaster over my boil to stop germs getting to it from Bill.
Later...
The vet has taken Bill away. He thinks he will need an operation. Gandalf and Arwen have had an argument. Gandalf found the cardigan that he had given Arwen for Christmas cut up in a duster bag. It is discusting when people are starving.
Monday 12th January
Bill is back. He keeps licking his stitches. Arwen got up early this morning and made him a proper bed in the shed. He don't have any hay so Arwen used shredded soap boxes for bedding. Elrond said this would make Bill sneaze and burst his stitches, then the vet would charge even more to stitch him back up again.
Thursday 15th January
Elrond has found out about the music box. I told I lie. I said that Bill must have trodden on it. Elrond said he will wait until Bill is fully cured of his operation and then kick him. I hope this is a joke.
Saturday 17th January
I was woken up at the crack of dawn by the workmen laying concrete outside where that stupid dwarf Gimli tried to dig a cave.
Sunday 18th January
Elrond and Arwen have had a row over Bill. He escaped and trod all over the wet concrete. Elrond offered to have Bill put down but Sam cried and said he wouldn't. Arwen was furious about the concrete. All the people of Minas Tirith were out washing their windows and listening. The vet has got to come again because Bill has got concrete stuck to his hooves. Sometimes I really hate that pony!
Tuesday 20th January
Arwen is looking for a job!
Now what will I do? I expect I shall starve. I think Arwen is being very selfish. She won't be good at a job anyway. She is not bright and she drinks too much at Christmas. She said she needs to be mentally stimulated and she won't stay cooped up in the castle a moment longer. I rang Gandalf and told him. He said I could go and live with him. I wish I hadn't rung now.
Wednesday 21st January
Elrond cooked tea tonight in preparation for when Arwen gets a job. We had boil in the bag curry and rice. It was the only thing left in the freezer apart from a packet of green stuff that had lost it's label. Elrond made a joke about sending it to the Public Health Inspector. Arwen didn't laugh.
Thursday 22nd January
It's Frodo's birthday tommorow. Merry and Pippin have organised a party, so my precious castle will be taken over by loons from the Shire. Arwen has got a job interview. She isn't doing any cooking. All she does is practice typing so what will it be like if she GETS the job?!
I think Elrond should put his foot down before we are a broken home...
Friday 23rd January
That's the last time I ever let a hundred hobbits into Minas Tirith!
The party was a complete joke. Legolas was showing off all night and ended up putting a safety pin through his ear. Elrond had to take him to hospital in our car. Legolas doesn't have a car because his Dad, Thranduil, has a steel plate in his skull and his Mum is only 4 feet eleven inches tall. It's no wonder Legolas turned out bad, with a maniac and a midget for parents.
Thursday 29th January
Bill is back from the vets (minus concrete). I am not taking him out until the hair has grown back on his shaven hooves. Sam looked pale when he got the bill from the vet. Elrond read it and said from now on, Bill will live off the scraps from his plate. This means that Bill will soon starve.
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Next chapter- February's Diary Entries
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I am a manifestation......
*********************************************************************
The Diary of Aragorn aged 42 and Three Quarters
JANUARY
Thursday 1st January
These are my New Year's Resolutions-
1. I will help the blind (Gandalf) cross the road
2. I will put Anduril back in it's case after use
3. I will stop worrying about my chin dimple
4. I will help the poor and ignorant (Merry & Pippin)
5. After witnessing the discusting scenes at the party last night, I have vowed never to get drunk again
Sam got Bill the pony drunk on cherry brandy at the party last night. If the R.S.P.C.A hear about it he could get done. Eight days have gone by since Christmas but Arwen still hasn't worn the Lurex apron that I bought her. She will get bathcubes next year.
Friday 2nd January
I feel rotten today. It is Galadriel's fault for singing My Way at three o clock in the morning outside mine and Arwen's bedroom. It was enough to wake the dead. Just my luck to have a Grandmother in-law like her! I think there is a chance that her and Celeborn could be alcoholics. I think my chin dimple to turning into a boil. It is Arwen's fault for not knowing about vitamins.
Saturday 3rd January
I shall go mad through lack of sleep!
Arwen banned Bill from the castle so he neighed outside the window all night. Just my luck. Legolas shouted a swear word at Bill. If he's not careful he could get done for obscene language. I am sure the simple is a boil. Just my luck to have it where everyone can see it. I pointed out to Arwen that I haven't had any vitamin c today and she just said ''Go and buy an orange then.'' This is typical. She still hasn't worn the apron. I will be glad to get back to my Kingly duties at this rate.
Sunday 4th January
Elrond has got the flu. I'm not surprised with the diet we get. Arwen went out in the rain to get him a vitamin drink but as I said ''It's too late now, It's a miracle we don't all get scurvy.'' Arwen says she can't see anything on my chin but she is lying because the boil is massive today. Bill has run off because Sam didn't tie him up properly. I have broken Elrond's music box but nobody has noticed. With a bit of luck, Elrond will be ill for a long time. Still no sign of the apron.
Monday 5th January
Bill hasn't come back yet. It's peaceful without him. Sam is putting up posters around Minas Tirith. I think the people of Minas Tirith have got better things to do than look for a lost pony, like make sure I don't get murdered. I told Sam this but he still put the posters up. It will be his fault if I get murdered.
Elrond is still lazing around in bed. He is supposed to be ill, but I noticed he is still smoking pipe-weed!
Tuesday 6th January
Bill is back. He got in trouble by walking into a paddock in Rohan and attempting to impregnate Eomer's best stud mare, so we will end up with a fine I expect. Eomer said that Sam should keep better care of Bill and then he asked how long he had been lame. Sam looked in Bill's hoof and found the Phial of Galadriel. Frodo mumbled something about misplacing it and then walked off. Bill was very pleased when Sam took the Phial out. He slobbered all over Eomer's tunic. Arwen wiped the tunic with the kitchen cloth, but the cloth had jam on it from where I had wiped the knife so the tunic was worse than ever. Eomer left then. I'm sure he swore. I could report him for that.
Wednesday 7th January
My boil/dimple has reached it's peak. Surely it can't get any bigger?!
I found a word in the dictionary that describes Elrond. It is 'Malingerer'. He is till in bed guzzling vitamin c. Bill is locked in the gardener's shed.
Thursday 8th January
Now Arwen has flu. Typical. This means I will have to look after her and Elrond. I have been up and down the stairs all day. They didn't eat any of the tea I made them. I almost said something. I gave it to Bill in the shed. Gandalf is coming round tommorow for a visit so I had to take Bill for a walk and then scrub the burnt saucepans. It was half eleven before I got to bed. No wonder I am stressed.
Friday 9th January
It was Cough Cough Cough last night. If it wasn't one it was the other, you'd think they'd show some consideration after the hard day I'd had.
Gandalf came and was discusted with the state of the castle. He let Bill out of the shed. He said Arwen was cruel to lock him up. Bill was sick all over the courtyard. Gandalf locked him up again. He squeezed by boil....it made it worse.
Saturday 10th January
Now Bill is ill!
He keeps being sick so Sam has sent for the vet from the Shire. I have put a plaster over my boil to stop germs getting to it from Bill.
Later...
The vet has taken Bill away. He thinks he will need an operation. Gandalf and Arwen have had an argument. Gandalf found the cardigan that he had given Arwen for Christmas cut up in a duster bag. It is discusting when people are starving.
Monday 12th January
Bill is back. He keeps licking his stitches. Arwen got up early this morning and made him a proper bed in the shed. He don't have any hay so Arwen used shredded soap boxes for bedding. Elrond said this would make Bill sneaze and burst his stitches, then the vet would charge even more to stitch him back up again.
Thursday 15th January
Elrond has found out about the music box. I told I lie. I said that Bill must have trodden on it. Elrond said he will wait until Bill is fully cured of his operation and then kick him. I hope this is a joke.
Saturday 17th January
I was woken up at the crack of dawn by the workmen laying concrete outside where that stupid dwarf Gimli tried to dig a cave.
Sunday 18th January
Elrond and Arwen have had a row over Bill. He escaped and trod all over the wet concrete. Elrond offered to have Bill put down but Sam cried and said he wouldn't. Arwen was furious about the concrete. All the people of Minas Tirith were out washing their windows and listening. The vet has got to come again because Bill has got concrete stuck to his hooves. Sometimes I really hate that pony!
Tuesday 20th January
Arwen is looking for a job!
Now what will I do? I expect I shall starve. I think Arwen is being very selfish. She won't be good at a job anyway. She is not bright and she drinks too much at Christmas. She said she needs to be mentally stimulated and she won't stay cooped up in the castle a moment longer. I rang Gandalf and told him. He said I could go and live with him. I wish I hadn't rung now.
Wednesday 21st January
Elrond cooked tea tonight in preparation for when Arwen gets a job. We had boil in the bag curry and rice. It was the only thing left in the freezer apart from a packet of green stuff that had lost it's label. Elrond made a joke about sending it to the Public Health Inspector. Arwen didn't laugh.
Thursday 22nd January
It's Frodo's birthday tommorow. Merry and Pippin have organised a party, so my precious castle will be taken over by loons from the Shire. Arwen has got a job interview. She isn't doing any cooking. All she does is practice typing so what will it be like if she GETS the job?!
I think Elrond should put his foot down before we are a broken home...
Friday 23rd January
That's the last time I ever let a hundred hobbits into Minas Tirith!
The party was a complete joke. Legolas was showing off all night and ended up putting a safety pin through his ear. Elrond had to take him to hospital in our car. Legolas doesn't have a car because his Dad, Thranduil, has a steel plate in his skull and his Mum is only 4 feet eleven inches tall. It's no wonder Legolas turned out bad, with a maniac and a midget for parents.
Thursday 29th January
Bill is back from the vets (minus concrete). I am not taking him out until the hair has grown back on his shaven hooves. Sam looked pale when he got the bill from the vet. Elrond read it and said from now on, Bill will live off the scraps from his plate. This means that Bill will soon starve.
********************************************************************
Next chapter- February's Diary Entries
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I am a manifestation......