The Diary of Aragorn Age 42 and 3 Quarters
February
Sunday 1st February
There was a lot of shouting downstairs last night. The kitchen waste bin was knocked over and the back door kept being slammed. You'd think my family and friends would be a bit more considerate.
Tuesday 3rd February
Arwen has not done any housework for days now. All she does is go to work, come home and smoke. The big-end has gone on Elrond's car. I had to show him where to catch a bus to Rivendell. Honestly! I 3 million year old elf not knowing where the bus stop is. My Father looked such a scruff I was ashamed to be seen with him. I was glad when the bus came. I shouted through the window that he couldn't sit downstairs and smoke but he just waved and lit up a ciggarette. There is a thousand pound fine for doing that.
Thursday 5th February
Arwen has bought some of those dungarees that painters and decoraters wear. You can see her knickers through them. I hipe she doesn't wear them outside. She is having her ears peirced tommorow. I think she is turning into a spendthrift. Faramir's Mum is a spendthrift. Denethor gets a red phone bill every month because his wife buys a new pair of high heels every Saturday.
Friday 6th February
It's lousy having a working wife. Arwen just dashes in, tarts herself up a bit and then dashes out again. There has been a slice of bacon stuck between the fridge and the cooker for three days to my knowledge! It will probably stay there....
Saturday 7th February
Celeborn and Galadriel have been screaming at each other for hours. It started because of the peice of bacon and carried on into how much time Galadriel has been spending in Mirkwood lately. I went to my throne room and put some music on. Elrond burst in and told me to turn it down. I did and when he left I turned it back up again.
Sunday 8th February
Legolas went to visit his family in Mirkwood and came back with his Father in-tow. Legolas' Mother has left Thranduil so he has to stay here while she moves out. It's a good job that Celeborn is in Lorien visiting Haldir.
Wednesday 11th February
Galadriel and Thranduil were up all night trying to fix the boiler in our kitchen. I went down to see if they needed a hand but something was jammed against the door. Thranduil shouted from the kitchen that he was at a crucial stage with the boiler and Galadriel was giving him a hand and couldn't open and door just at that moment.
Saturday 14th February
Galadriel's Valentines card was so big that it had to be delivered in a GPO van. It was full of little hearts with Galadriel written inside them. Celeborn's card to her was very small. Inside he had written- ''Lets try again.'' I gave Arwen a card with ''Roses are red, Violets are green, I like your legs and what's in between.'' written inside it. She read it and then gave me a slap.
Sunday 15th February
Thranduil's wife had finally moved out so he has gone back to Mirkwood at last. I expect he was glad to get away from all the rowing over the giant card. I told Celeborn that Galadriel can't help it if she has a secreat admirer and Celeborn have a nasty laugh and said ''You've got a lot to learn lad.''
I was sick of them all so I took Bill and went to Gandalf's for tea. He is never to busy to make real custard. I tied Bill up outside and Gandalf gave him the scraps. Bill started to choke on a chicken bone and Gandalf had to slap him on the back to get it out. I left Bill at Gandalf's to recover from the ordeal.
Wednesday 18th February
Fetched Bill back from Gandalf's. He's given Bill a shampoo and set so he smells like the perfume counter at Boots. Sam had fifty fits when he saw him.
Saturday 21st February
Went to the garage with Elrond. He expected his car to be ready but it was in bits on the workbench. Elrond's eyes filled with tears. I was ashamed of him. We walked to the supermarked and Elrond bought tinned salmon, crab, shrimp and a huge black forest cake. Arwen was dead mad at him because he forgot the tea-bags, toilet roll, etc. She said that Elrond can't be trusted to do the shopping again. Elrond cheered up a bit.
Sunday 22nd February
Celeborn has gone fishing and taken Bill with him. Thranduil came for lunch and stayed for tea. He ate all of the black forest cake. We played Monopoly. Legolas was banker, Galadriel kept going to jail, and Arwen won.
When Celeborn came in the front door Thranduil went out of the back door. Celeborn said that he had been looking forward the to black forest cake all day. There was none of it left. Celeborn said that he hadn't had a bite on his fishing line all day and Bill had eaten his sandwiches when his back was turned. Galadriel gave him some grape-pip cheese on a Ry-King for his supper. Celeborn threw it at the wall and said he was a F******* man, not a f******** mouse! and Galadriel said that it was a long time since he had done any f********!
Me and Arwen left the room then. It is a terrible thing to hear Galadriel swear.
Sam slept in the shed all night to keep Bill company. He doesn't like the shouting.
*******************************************************************
Next Chapter- March (well I never!)
Gandalf's birthday
Gimli gets done by the pigs & Celeborn and Thranduil have a punch up infront of all of Minas Tirith as the affair is made public!!!
February
Sunday 1st February
There was a lot of shouting downstairs last night. The kitchen waste bin was knocked over and the back door kept being slammed. You'd think my family and friends would be a bit more considerate.
Tuesday 3rd February
Arwen has not done any housework for days now. All she does is go to work, come home and smoke. The big-end has gone on Elrond's car. I had to show him where to catch a bus to Rivendell. Honestly! I 3 million year old elf not knowing where the bus stop is. My Father looked such a scruff I was ashamed to be seen with him. I was glad when the bus came. I shouted through the window that he couldn't sit downstairs and smoke but he just waved and lit up a ciggarette. There is a thousand pound fine for doing that.
Thursday 5th February
Arwen has bought some of those dungarees that painters and decoraters wear. You can see her knickers through them. I hipe she doesn't wear them outside. She is having her ears peirced tommorow. I think she is turning into a spendthrift. Faramir's Mum is a spendthrift. Denethor gets a red phone bill every month because his wife buys a new pair of high heels every Saturday.
Friday 6th February
It's lousy having a working wife. Arwen just dashes in, tarts herself up a bit and then dashes out again. There has been a slice of bacon stuck between the fridge and the cooker for three days to my knowledge! It will probably stay there....
Saturday 7th February
Celeborn and Galadriel have been screaming at each other for hours. It started because of the peice of bacon and carried on into how much time Galadriel has been spending in Mirkwood lately. I went to my throne room and put some music on. Elrond burst in and told me to turn it down. I did and when he left I turned it back up again.
Sunday 8th February
Legolas went to visit his family in Mirkwood and came back with his Father in-tow. Legolas' Mother has left Thranduil so he has to stay here while she moves out. It's a good job that Celeborn is in Lorien visiting Haldir.
Wednesday 11th February
Galadriel and Thranduil were up all night trying to fix the boiler in our kitchen. I went down to see if they needed a hand but something was jammed against the door. Thranduil shouted from the kitchen that he was at a crucial stage with the boiler and Galadriel was giving him a hand and couldn't open and door just at that moment.
Saturday 14th February
Galadriel's Valentines card was so big that it had to be delivered in a GPO van. It was full of little hearts with Galadriel written inside them. Celeborn's card to her was very small. Inside he had written- ''Lets try again.'' I gave Arwen a card with ''Roses are red, Violets are green, I like your legs and what's in between.'' written inside it. She read it and then gave me a slap.
Sunday 15th February
Thranduil's wife had finally moved out so he has gone back to Mirkwood at last. I expect he was glad to get away from all the rowing over the giant card. I told Celeborn that Galadriel can't help it if she has a secreat admirer and Celeborn have a nasty laugh and said ''You've got a lot to learn lad.''
I was sick of them all so I took Bill and went to Gandalf's for tea. He is never to busy to make real custard. I tied Bill up outside and Gandalf gave him the scraps. Bill started to choke on a chicken bone and Gandalf had to slap him on the back to get it out. I left Bill at Gandalf's to recover from the ordeal.
Wednesday 18th February
Fetched Bill back from Gandalf's. He's given Bill a shampoo and set so he smells like the perfume counter at Boots. Sam had fifty fits when he saw him.
Saturday 21st February
Went to the garage with Elrond. He expected his car to be ready but it was in bits on the workbench. Elrond's eyes filled with tears. I was ashamed of him. We walked to the supermarked and Elrond bought tinned salmon, crab, shrimp and a huge black forest cake. Arwen was dead mad at him because he forgot the tea-bags, toilet roll, etc. She said that Elrond can't be trusted to do the shopping again. Elrond cheered up a bit.
Sunday 22nd February
Celeborn has gone fishing and taken Bill with him. Thranduil came for lunch and stayed for tea. He ate all of the black forest cake. We played Monopoly. Legolas was banker, Galadriel kept going to jail, and Arwen won.
When Celeborn came in the front door Thranduil went out of the back door. Celeborn said that he had been looking forward the to black forest cake all day. There was none of it left. Celeborn said that he hadn't had a bite on his fishing line all day and Bill had eaten his sandwiches when his back was turned. Galadriel gave him some grape-pip cheese on a Ry-King for his supper. Celeborn threw it at the wall and said he was a F******* man, not a f******** mouse! and Galadriel said that it was a long time since he had done any f********!
Me and Arwen left the room then. It is a terrible thing to hear Galadriel swear.
Sam slept in the shed all night to keep Bill company. He doesn't like the shouting.
*******************************************************************
Next Chapter- March (well I never!)
Gandalf's birthday
Gimli gets done by the pigs & Celeborn and Thranduil have a punch up infront of all of Minas Tirith as the affair is made public!!!