A/N- MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It is my last ever week at school, which means exams in a few weeks, but then about three months off on holiday. Unless my Mum's boyfriend is successful in getting me a scabby job at a petrol station that's in a town full of inbreds...
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APRIL
Wednesday 1st April- April Fool's Day
Haldir rang up this morning and pretended to be an undertaker. He asked what time he should pick up the body. Elrond answered the phone. Honestly! He has no sense of humour. Legolas bought a packet of itching powder and put some down Gimli's boots. He is another one without any sense of humour. Legolas put some down my back. It wasn't funny. It took Elrond four hours to pick all the peices out.
Thursday 2nd April
I am 43 today!
Got a football and a tracksuit from Elrond (he is completely insensitive to my needs), a zip-up cardigan from Arwen, The Boy's Book of Carpentry from Gandalf (no comment), one pound inside a card from Legolas (last of the big spenders), new socks from Gimli and a Mars Bar from the hobbits. Celeborn gave my his old collection of porn mags. Best of all was £50 inside a card from Galadriel and £25 from Thranduil (guilt money).
Bilbo sent a card with a book token inside it. It expired thirty years ago but it was a kind thought.
Saturday 4th April
Me and Elrond cleaned the castle today. We had no choice. Gandalf is coming for tea tommorow. We went to Sainsbury's this afternoon. Elrond chose a trolley that was impossible to steer. It sounded like someone was torturing mice, I was ashamed to be heard with it. Elrond chose food which is bad for you. I had to put my foot down and insist that he got some fresh fruit and salad. When we get to the check-out Elrond couldn't find his banker's card and the assistant wouldn't except a cheque without it. The manager had to come and stop the row. I ended up lending Elrond £20 of my birthday money. I made him write an I.O.U on the back of the till roll.
I must take my hat off to the Sainsbury's of Gondor. They seem to attract a better class of customer. I saw Gloin buying his toilet-roll. The Mordor Sainsbury's is terrible. It's full of orcs buying Rizzler.
Sunday 5th April
I made Celeborn get up at 1pm. I don't see why he should laze around in bed all day feeling sorry for himself. He got up and Arwen said he could make himself useful and clean the lounge. Celeborn found one of Galadriel's earings down the back of the sofa. He just sat there staring at it and said- ''Do you miss her Aragorn?''
I said- ''Of course I do must life must go on!''
Celeborn said- ''I don't see why.''
I took this to mean that he was suicidal so I went and removed all the harmful implements from the bathroom.
After we had eaten dinner, Celeborn went to have a shave and he couldn't find his razor. He asked where it was and I lied and said I didn't know. Celeborn tried to use his battery razor but the batteries had leaked and gone all green. I like to think that I am broad-minded but the language Celeborn used was beyoned the pale, all because he couldn't have a shave!
Tea was a bit of a drag. Gandalf said horrible things about Galadriel. Celeborn went on about how much he missed her. Arwen told the both of them to shut up. Nobody noticed that I was in the room. Bill get more attention than me!
Gandalf told Celeborn off for growing a beird. He said- ''You might think it is amusing to look like a communist Celeborn, but I dont.''
Celeborn just stared at Gandalf's beird and looked dead mad. He almost said something. I was glad when Gandalf cleared off home.
Monday 6th April
We got a postcard from Galadriel. She is staying in the palace in Mirkwood. She wants me and Arwen to visit soon.
We didn't show the postcard to Celeborn.
Tuesday 7th April
Arwen got a phonecall from Galadriel. Galadriel's voice sounded a bit funny, like she had a cold. All she said was ''You'll understand one day Arwen.''
There was a slurping noise in the background. I expect it was that creep Thranduil kissing her neck. I have seen it done in films.
Tuesday 14th April
Got another postcard from Galadriel. She wants me and Arwen to visit A.S.A.P. Why can't she write a letter like a NORMAL person?
Arwen can't go to Mirkwood, she is working, so I have to go on my own. Elrond is making Galadriel send the train fare.
Thursday 16th April
Got a birthday card from Haldir, two weeks late! Elrond said that Haldir is under a lot of pressure because of his job. That is a joke. Haldir has no job because there is no need for a Lorien army anymore. Anyway, I know for a fact that he spends his days in the pub with Elrohir and Elladan.
Friday 17th April
Bill has mauled the hot cross buns. He doesn't respect any traditions.
Still waiting for the train fare.
Sunday 19th April
Elrond forgot to go to the bank on Friday so we are penniless. We went round to Gandalf's for dinner. He made a cake covered with fluffy Easter chicks. Some of the fluff got into Elrond's mouth and made him choke. He had to have his back thumped. He always manages to spoil things. He has no Social Decorum whatsoever.
Monday 20th April
Elrond is in a rage because it's a bank holiday and the bank is still shut.
Still no sign of the train fare.
Tuesday 21st April
Elrond was first in the queue at the bank this morning. He took Frodo and Sam with him so he would get sympathy. When he got inside the cashier said that he couldn't have any money because he had spent it all. Elrond demanded to see the manager. Frodo and Sam hid behind a pot plant until the shouting stopped.
Train fare has come....I leave tommorow morning.
Wednesday 22nd April
Elrond gave me a a lift to the station. He also gave me some advice for the journey. He told me not to buy a pork pie from the buffet cart.
When I was getting on the train I said ''Don't forget to feed the hobbits.''
Elrond gave a nasty laugh and then the train started so I went to find a seat.
I have always avoided the Middle Earth transport system and there is a good reason. All the filthy smoking Elves, men, dwarves and hobbits were all crushed in together, coughing away. I pushed past them and found a non- smoking cart. I sat at a seat opposite an elderly hobbit woman who started going on and telling me discusting things about her daughter's hysterectomy. Thank god the old bat got off at Bree. She left her Woman's Own behind so I had a good laugh at the problem page and read the story and then the train slowed down for Mirkwood.
Galadriel met me at the station. Thranduil was out doing Kingly things. The palace looks just like the one in Rivendell only MUCH more untidy. Since Legolas' parents split up no housework has been done.
No wonder Legolas left.
Friday 24th April
Helped Galdriel paint Legolas' bedroom. He will have fifty fits when he sees it. It used to be green. Now it is beige and brown.
Saturday 25th April
Thranduil dragged us out to the countryside today. I sat in the car and watched Galadriel and Thranduil make an exhibition of themselves. I'm glad there were no members of the public around. It is not a pretty sight to see million year old Elves running up hills and laughing.
Sunday 26th April
Home again.
The journey back was a nightmare. I had to sit in the smokers carraige the wole way, opposite a lunatic dwarf who thought he had a radio inside his head controlled by Fidel Castro.
Elrond met me at the station. He had brought Bill. Bill was dead happy to see me. He jumped up, missed, and almost fell infront of the 9.57 Erebor express.
It is my last ever week at school, which means exams in a few weeks, but then about three months off on holiday. Unless my Mum's boyfriend is successful in getting me a scabby job at a petrol station that's in a town full of inbreds...
*********************************************************************
APRIL
Wednesday 1st April- April Fool's Day
Haldir rang up this morning and pretended to be an undertaker. He asked what time he should pick up the body. Elrond answered the phone. Honestly! He has no sense of humour. Legolas bought a packet of itching powder and put some down Gimli's boots. He is another one without any sense of humour. Legolas put some down my back. It wasn't funny. It took Elrond four hours to pick all the peices out.
Thursday 2nd April
I am 43 today!
Got a football and a tracksuit from Elrond (he is completely insensitive to my needs), a zip-up cardigan from Arwen, The Boy's Book of Carpentry from Gandalf (no comment), one pound inside a card from Legolas (last of the big spenders), new socks from Gimli and a Mars Bar from the hobbits. Celeborn gave my his old collection of porn mags. Best of all was £50 inside a card from Galadriel and £25 from Thranduil (guilt money).
Bilbo sent a card with a book token inside it. It expired thirty years ago but it was a kind thought.
Saturday 4th April
Me and Elrond cleaned the castle today. We had no choice. Gandalf is coming for tea tommorow. We went to Sainsbury's this afternoon. Elrond chose a trolley that was impossible to steer. It sounded like someone was torturing mice, I was ashamed to be heard with it. Elrond chose food which is bad for you. I had to put my foot down and insist that he got some fresh fruit and salad. When we get to the check-out Elrond couldn't find his banker's card and the assistant wouldn't except a cheque without it. The manager had to come and stop the row. I ended up lending Elrond £20 of my birthday money. I made him write an I.O.U on the back of the till roll.
I must take my hat off to the Sainsbury's of Gondor. They seem to attract a better class of customer. I saw Gloin buying his toilet-roll. The Mordor Sainsbury's is terrible. It's full of orcs buying Rizzler.
Sunday 5th April
I made Celeborn get up at 1pm. I don't see why he should laze around in bed all day feeling sorry for himself. He got up and Arwen said he could make himself useful and clean the lounge. Celeborn found one of Galadriel's earings down the back of the sofa. He just sat there staring at it and said- ''Do you miss her Aragorn?''
I said- ''Of course I do must life must go on!''
Celeborn said- ''I don't see why.''
I took this to mean that he was suicidal so I went and removed all the harmful implements from the bathroom.
After we had eaten dinner, Celeborn went to have a shave and he couldn't find his razor. He asked where it was and I lied and said I didn't know. Celeborn tried to use his battery razor but the batteries had leaked and gone all green. I like to think that I am broad-minded but the language Celeborn used was beyoned the pale, all because he couldn't have a shave!
Tea was a bit of a drag. Gandalf said horrible things about Galadriel. Celeborn went on about how much he missed her. Arwen told the both of them to shut up. Nobody noticed that I was in the room. Bill get more attention than me!
Gandalf told Celeborn off for growing a beird. He said- ''You might think it is amusing to look like a communist Celeborn, but I dont.''
Celeborn just stared at Gandalf's beird and looked dead mad. He almost said something. I was glad when Gandalf cleared off home.
Monday 6th April
We got a postcard from Galadriel. She is staying in the palace in Mirkwood. She wants me and Arwen to visit soon.
We didn't show the postcard to Celeborn.
Tuesday 7th April
Arwen got a phonecall from Galadriel. Galadriel's voice sounded a bit funny, like she had a cold. All she said was ''You'll understand one day Arwen.''
There was a slurping noise in the background. I expect it was that creep Thranduil kissing her neck. I have seen it done in films.
Tuesday 14th April
Got another postcard from Galadriel. She wants me and Arwen to visit A.S.A.P. Why can't she write a letter like a NORMAL person?
Arwen can't go to Mirkwood, she is working, so I have to go on my own. Elrond is making Galadriel send the train fare.
Thursday 16th April
Got a birthday card from Haldir, two weeks late! Elrond said that Haldir is under a lot of pressure because of his job. That is a joke. Haldir has no job because there is no need for a Lorien army anymore. Anyway, I know for a fact that he spends his days in the pub with Elrohir and Elladan.
Friday 17th April
Bill has mauled the hot cross buns. He doesn't respect any traditions.
Still waiting for the train fare.
Sunday 19th April
Elrond forgot to go to the bank on Friday so we are penniless. We went round to Gandalf's for dinner. He made a cake covered with fluffy Easter chicks. Some of the fluff got into Elrond's mouth and made him choke. He had to have his back thumped. He always manages to spoil things. He has no Social Decorum whatsoever.
Monday 20th April
Elrond is in a rage because it's a bank holiday and the bank is still shut.
Still no sign of the train fare.
Tuesday 21st April
Elrond was first in the queue at the bank this morning. He took Frodo and Sam with him so he would get sympathy. When he got inside the cashier said that he couldn't have any money because he had spent it all. Elrond demanded to see the manager. Frodo and Sam hid behind a pot plant until the shouting stopped.
Train fare has come....I leave tommorow morning.
Wednesday 22nd April
Elrond gave me a a lift to the station. He also gave me some advice for the journey. He told me not to buy a pork pie from the buffet cart.
When I was getting on the train I said ''Don't forget to feed the hobbits.''
Elrond gave a nasty laugh and then the train started so I went to find a seat.
I have always avoided the Middle Earth transport system and there is a good reason. All the filthy smoking Elves, men, dwarves and hobbits were all crushed in together, coughing away. I pushed past them and found a non- smoking cart. I sat at a seat opposite an elderly hobbit woman who started going on and telling me discusting things about her daughter's hysterectomy. Thank god the old bat got off at Bree. She left her Woman's Own behind so I had a good laugh at the problem page and read the story and then the train slowed down for Mirkwood.
Galadriel met me at the station. Thranduil was out doing Kingly things. The palace looks just like the one in Rivendell only MUCH more untidy. Since Legolas' parents split up no housework has been done.
No wonder Legolas left.
Friday 24th April
Helped Galdriel paint Legolas' bedroom. He will have fifty fits when he sees it. It used to be green. Now it is beige and brown.
Saturday 25th April
Thranduil dragged us out to the countryside today. I sat in the car and watched Galadriel and Thranduil make an exhibition of themselves. I'm glad there were no members of the public around. It is not a pretty sight to see million year old Elves running up hills and laughing.
Sunday 26th April
Home again.
The journey back was a nightmare. I had to sit in the smokers carraige the wole way, opposite a lunatic dwarf who thought he had a radio inside his head controlled by Fidel Castro.
Elrond met me at the station. He had brought Bill. Bill was dead happy to see me. He jumped up, missed, and almost fell infront of the 9.57 Erebor express.