A/N- Just remembered....forgot to do disclaimer. I own nothing, NOTHING I
tell you!
(Not even my dignity)
The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters
May
Friday 1st May
Gandalf rang this morning to say ''Cast ne'er clout till May be out.''
I think it's got something to do with keeping your vest on, but so what?
Sunday 3rd May
There is nothing left in the freezer, nothing left in the pantry and only slimming bread left in the bread bin. I don't know where all our money goes. I was forced to take the hobbits round to Gandalf's before we all died of malnutrition.
Tuesday 5th May
Another postcard from Galadriel. She is coming to visit on Saturday. Celeborn is happier than he has been for weeks. He thinks that Galadriel is coming home for good.
Friday 8th May
Celeborn has scrubbed the castle from top to bottom in preparation for Galadriel's visit. It's nice to have a clean home, but I wish he wouldn't wear the apron. He looks like a poofter in it.
Saturday 9th May
I was woken up this morning by a loud banging on the front door. It was an Electricity Board official. I was amazed to hear that we owe £97.26p!
I told the official that we needed electricity for life's essentials like the sunbed and the Breville sandwich toaster, but he just said that it was people like us who drained precious resources. Then he went to the meter cupboard, fiddled around a bit and then the kitchen clock stopped. It was dead symbolic.
Elrond came in from fetching the Daily Express. He was whistling and he even asked the official if he wanted a cup of tea! The official just said ''No thankyou.'' and hurried off. Elrond switched the electric kettle on and I was forced to tell him.
Naturally I got the blame. Elrond said I should have refused entry. I said he should have paid the bill. Then Elrond went beserk and woke the rest of the castle up. Then Galadriel and Thranduil turned up!
It was just like old times with everybody shouting at each other. I took Bill for a walk to the shop and bought some candles. When I got back I found that everybody had gone out apart from Thranduil, Galadriel and Celeborn. They were still in the kitchen arguing, so I listened in at the door. Thranduil offered to lend Celeborn ''A ton.'' but Celeborn said ''All I want from you is my wife.'' They started arguing again until Thranduil and Galadriel left. When they had gone I went into the kitchen and found Celeborn looking lonely and miserable. I felt dead sorry for him.
Monday 11th May
Faramir has offered to lend us a paraffin heater, but I refused his kind offer. I have read that they can be easily knocked over and Bill would no dought cause a towering inferno.
I have sworn Faramir to silence. If it gets out that our electricity has been cut off I will slit my throat....the shame would be too much to bear.
Friday 15th May
Gandalf has just paid a surprise visit and caught us all huddled round our little camping stove, eating cold bins out of a tin. We were quite contented. Merry said that it is good practise for when civilisation collapses. Then Gandalf burst in and started having hysterics. He's forced all of us (and Bill) to go to his house and stay until the electricity is turned back on. Gandalf has written out a giro cheque for the electricity board. He was dead mad. He was going to use the money to restock his freezer. He buys two dead cows a year.
Saturday 16th May
Gandalf made the hobbits go shopping with him. Frodo said that Gandalf was dead feirce in the butchers, watching the scales like a hawk and then pouncing and accusing the butcher of not giving him enough bacon.
Elrond has paid the electricity bill, but it will be a week before the computer gives permission for it to be switched on again. Typical.
Sunday 17th May
Gandalf dragged us to church with him. Elrond was made to brush his hair and wear a tie.
The church service was dead boring. The vicar looked like the oldest man alive and spoke in a feeble sort of voice. The hobbits couldn't see over the pews. Celeborn and Elrond kept standing up when we were supposed to sit down and vice versa. Me, Arwen, Gimli and Legolas copied Gandalf. He is always right. I shook the vicars hand when we were leaving. It was like touching dead leaves.
After dinner we listened to Gandalf's Al Jolson records and then he went upstairs for a lie down. Elrond did the washing up and he broke a 50 year old milk jug! He had to go for a drink to recover from the shock.
Monday 18th May
Gandalf is not speaking to Elrond because of the milk jug. I can't wait to get home where things like milk jugs don't matter.
Tuesday 19th May
Elrond is in trouble for staying out late last night. Honestly! He is 100 times older than the milk jug so surely he should be allowed to stay out as long as he likes!
Saturday 23rd May
Home again. Plants all dead. Red bills on the doormat.
Sunday 31st May
I lit a joss stick in the living room to get rid of the smell of Gimli's feet. Elrond came in and threw it out of the window. He said ''I won't have you messing with drugs Aragorn!''. I tried to explain but he was too angry to listen.....
*********************************************************************
Next chapter.......
Elrond gets made redundant!
SHOCK HORROR!
What will the family do?
(Not even my dignity)
The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters
May
Friday 1st May
Gandalf rang this morning to say ''Cast ne'er clout till May be out.''
I think it's got something to do with keeping your vest on, but so what?
Sunday 3rd May
There is nothing left in the freezer, nothing left in the pantry and only slimming bread left in the bread bin. I don't know where all our money goes. I was forced to take the hobbits round to Gandalf's before we all died of malnutrition.
Tuesday 5th May
Another postcard from Galadriel. She is coming to visit on Saturday. Celeborn is happier than he has been for weeks. He thinks that Galadriel is coming home for good.
Friday 8th May
Celeborn has scrubbed the castle from top to bottom in preparation for Galadriel's visit. It's nice to have a clean home, but I wish he wouldn't wear the apron. He looks like a poofter in it.
Saturday 9th May
I was woken up this morning by a loud banging on the front door. It was an Electricity Board official. I was amazed to hear that we owe £97.26p!
I told the official that we needed electricity for life's essentials like the sunbed and the Breville sandwich toaster, but he just said that it was people like us who drained precious resources. Then he went to the meter cupboard, fiddled around a bit and then the kitchen clock stopped. It was dead symbolic.
Elrond came in from fetching the Daily Express. He was whistling and he even asked the official if he wanted a cup of tea! The official just said ''No thankyou.'' and hurried off. Elrond switched the electric kettle on and I was forced to tell him.
Naturally I got the blame. Elrond said I should have refused entry. I said he should have paid the bill. Then Elrond went beserk and woke the rest of the castle up. Then Galadriel and Thranduil turned up!
It was just like old times with everybody shouting at each other. I took Bill for a walk to the shop and bought some candles. When I got back I found that everybody had gone out apart from Thranduil, Galadriel and Celeborn. They were still in the kitchen arguing, so I listened in at the door. Thranduil offered to lend Celeborn ''A ton.'' but Celeborn said ''All I want from you is my wife.'' They started arguing again until Thranduil and Galadriel left. When they had gone I went into the kitchen and found Celeborn looking lonely and miserable. I felt dead sorry for him.
Monday 11th May
Faramir has offered to lend us a paraffin heater, but I refused his kind offer. I have read that they can be easily knocked over and Bill would no dought cause a towering inferno.
I have sworn Faramir to silence. If it gets out that our electricity has been cut off I will slit my throat....the shame would be too much to bear.
Friday 15th May
Gandalf has just paid a surprise visit and caught us all huddled round our little camping stove, eating cold bins out of a tin. We were quite contented. Merry said that it is good practise for when civilisation collapses. Then Gandalf burst in and started having hysterics. He's forced all of us (and Bill) to go to his house and stay until the electricity is turned back on. Gandalf has written out a giro cheque for the electricity board. He was dead mad. He was going to use the money to restock his freezer. He buys two dead cows a year.
Saturday 16th May
Gandalf made the hobbits go shopping with him. Frodo said that Gandalf was dead feirce in the butchers, watching the scales like a hawk and then pouncing and accusing the butcher of not giving him enough bacon.
Elrond has paid the electricity bill, but it will be a week before the computer gives permission for it to be switched on again. Typical.
Sunday 17th May
Gandalf dragged us to church with him. Elrond was made to brush his hair and wear a tie.
The church service was dead boring. The vicar looked like the oldest man alive and spoke in a feeble sort of voice. The hobbits couldn't see over the pews. Celeborn and Elrond kept standing up when we were supposed to sit down and vice versa. Me, Arwen, Gimli and Legolas copied Gandalf. He is always right. I shook the vicars hand when we were leaving. It was like touching dead leaves.
After dinner we listened to Gandalf's Al Jolson records and then he went upstairs for a lie down. Elrond did the washing up and he broke a 50 year old milk jug! He had to go for a drink to recover from the shock.
Monday 18th May
Gandalf is not speaking to Elrond because of the milk jug. I can't wait to get home where things like milk jugs don't matter.
Tuesday 19th May
Elrond is in trouble for staying out late last night. Honestly! He is 100 times older than the milk jug so surely he should be allowed to stay out as long as he likes!
Saturday 23rd May
Home again. Plants all dead. Red bills on the doormat.
Sunday 31st May
I lit a joss stick in the living room to get rid of the smell of Gimli's feet. Elrond came in and threw it out of the window. He said ''I won't have you messing with drugs Aragorn!''. I tried to explain but he was too angry to listen.....
*********************************************************************
Next chapter.......
Elrond gets made redundant!
SHOCK HORROR!
What will the family do?