The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters
August
Tuesday 11th August
ANOTHER postcard from Galadriel. She wants me and Arwen to go on holiday with her to the Misty Mountains. Arwen just laughed when I told her. I'm not going. I wouldn't be seen dead in the Misty Mountains.
The postman said that if Galadriel was his wife he would give her a good thrashing. He doen't know Galadriel. If anyone laid a finger on her she would beat them to a pulp.
Thursday 13th August
Elrond has decided to take everyone on holiday to the Edoras on the fifteenth! He has booked a caravan! He expects me to go! I am going to the Misty Mountains.
Saturday 15th August
Everyone waved me off at the train station. Elrond didn't mind that I have chosen to go on holiday with Thranduil and Galadriel. In fact, he looked dead pleased. The train journey was a nightmare, as usual. I had to stand up the whole way.
Galadriel and that creep Thranduil met me at the station. Galadriel is looking rough. She has started dressing in clothes that are too young for her. I pretended to be asleep all the way to the Misty Mountains. Thranduil mauled Galadriel around even while he was driving.
We are staying in a log cabin at the High Pass. Galadriel and Thranduil have gone to buy ciggarettes. At least that is their story.
Sunday 16th August
We are surrounded by the rotten mountains. It is dead boring.
Monday 17th August
Rained all day. Did some washing in the laundrette. Bumped into Glorfindel. His Mum is getting married for the fourth time and he said he had to get away from Rivendell. The poor bloke.
Tuesday 18th August
Rained all day again. I am suffering from depression.
Wednesday 19th August
Sent postcards, phoned the Edoras, reversed charges, Elrond refused to except them. Played cards with Glorfindel. Life certainly is thrilling.
Friday 21st August
Walked two and a half miles to buy a Mars Bar.
Sunday 23rd August
Thranduil and Galadriel have made friends with Barliman Butterbur and his wife who are staying in the cabin next to ours. They went off to look at Dimrill Dale together. It is Mrs Butterbur's birthday so they came back to our cabin with six packs of lager.
I complained about the noise at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am and at 6am they decided to climb the highest mountain!!!
I pointed out that they were un-qualified, un-fit, didn't have a compass, map and were lacking basic survival techniques. My pleas fell on deaf ears. The four of them climbed the mountain, came down and were cooking bacon and eggs by 11.30am!!!
As I write, Mr & Mrs Butterbur are tekking across the mountains....they must be on drugs.
Thursday 27th August
Hollin today. Bumped into Fangorn the Ent and his wife. Everyone stood around saying what a small world it is and then Fangorn asked Thranduil how his wife is. Thranduil said that she is living with another woman. Then everyone said what a small world it was again and parted company. Galadriel went mad at Thranduil. She had ''Do you have to tell eveyone?!'' and ''How do you think I feel, living with a lesbian's estranged husband?!''
Thranduil whined on for a bit, but then Galadriel started to look like Gandalf so he shut up.
Friday 28th August
Visited the Gladdan River. It was a bit of a dissapointment but Thranduil fell in which cheered me up a bit. Unfortunately, it was too shallow for him to drown in.
Saturday 29th August
Went for a walk with Glorfindel. He things his Mother is heading for her fourth divorce. He goes back to Rivendell first thing in the morning. He has an appointment with his pshyciatrist tommorow.
I will be glad to get home myself. I am waiting for Thranduil and Galadriel to return from their furtive love-making somewhere in the mountains.
We leave at dawn.
Monday 31st August
Back home again. Everyone is broke and the bank is shut. Elrond can't remember the number for his hole-in-the-wall card. He had the nerve to borrow a fiver from Gandalf. Fancy asking an old wizard for money! It lacks dignity.
September
Tuesday 1st September
Me and Arwen have been forced (by Gandalf) to go to the Shire and clean out Bag End for Bilbo. He owes £289 in rent arrears. He is paying them off at 50p a week, so it is a certainty that he will die in debt.
Wednesday 2nd September
Arwen and I went to look at Bag End today. It is truly an awesome sight. If Bilbo took all his empty bottles back to the off-license he could probably pay off all the rent arrears.
Thursday 3rd September
Elrond helped us to move all the furniture from Bag End out to the front garden. The woodworm came out to sunbathe. When we listed the carpets we discovered that Bilbo has been walking on a layer of dirt, old newspapers, hair pins and decomposed mice for years. We hung the carpets on the washing line and beat them all afternoon. Arwen got excited about 4 o clock, and claimed she could see a pattern emerging on one of the carpets. Closer inspection showed it to be a squashed fairy cake.
We are going back tommorow with Arwen's carpet shampoo. Arwen said that it has been tested by 'Which?' magazine, but I bet it has never had to clean a filthy hovel like Bag End before.
Friday 4th September
I have just witnessed a miracle!
This morning Bilbo's carpets were dark grey in colour. Now one is a Red Axminster and the other is a Blue Wilton! We have left them on the washing line to dry. We have scraped all the floors clean and washed the furtinture down. Arwen tried to wash the curtains but they fell to bits before she could get them into the sink.
Bilbo has been sat in a deckchair all day, critisizing and complaining. He can't see what's wrong with living in a dirty house. What IS wrong with living in a dirty house?
Saturday 5th September
Elrond took Bilbo's empty beer bottles back to the off-license. The boot, back-seat and floor of the car were full of them. The whole car stunk of brown ale. Elrond ran out of petrol on the way there and had to call the AA. The AA man was most uncivil. He said it wasn't the Automobile Association that Elrond needed, it was Alcoholics Anonymous.
August
Tuesday 11th August
ANOTHER postcard from Galadriel. She wants me and Arwen to go on holiday with her to the Misty Mountains. Arwen just laughed when I told her. I'm not going. I wouldn't be seen dead in the Misty Mountains.
The postman said that if Galadriel was his wife he would give her a good thrashing. He doen't know Galadriel. If anyone laid a finger on her she would beat them to a pulp.
Thursday 13th August
Elrond has decided to take everyone on holiday to the Edoras on the fifteenth! He has booked a caravan! He expects me to go! I am going to the Misty Mountains.
Saturday 15th August
Everyone waved me off at the train station. Elrond didn't mind that I have chosen to go on holiday with Thranduil and Galadriel. In fact, he looked dead pleased. The train journey was a nightmare, as usual. I had to stand up the whole way.
Galadriel and that creep Thranduil met me at the station. Galadriel is looking rough. She has started dressing in clothes that are too young for her. I pretended to be asleep all the way to the Misty Mountains. Thranduil mauled Galadriel around even while he was driving.
We are staying in a log cabin at the High Pass. Galadriel and Thranduil have gone to buy ciggarettes. At least that is their story.
Sunday 16th August
We are surrounded by the rotten mountains. It is dead boring.
Monday 17th August
Rained all day. Did some washing in the laundrette. Bumped into Glorfindel. His Mum is getting married for the fourth time and he said he had to get away from Rivendell. The poor bloke.
Tuesday 18th August
Rained all day again. I am suffering from depression.
Wednesday 19th August
Sent postcards, phoned the Edoras, reversed charges, Elrond refused to except them. Played cards with Glorfindel. Life certainly is thrilling.
Friday 21st August
Walked two and a half miles to buy a Mars Bar.
Sunday 23rd August
Thranduil and Galadriel have made friends with Barliman Butterbur and his wife who are staying in the cabin next to ours. They went off to look at Dimrill Dale together. It is Mrs Butterbur's birthday so they came back to our cabin with six packs of lager.
I complained about the noise at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am and at 6am they decided to climb the highest mountain!!!
I pointed out that they were un-qualified, un-fit, didn't have a compass, map and were lacking basic survival techniques. My pleas fell on deaf ears. The four of them climbed the mountain, came down and were cooking bacon and eggs by 11.30am!!!
As I write, Mr & Mrs Butterbur are tekking across the mountains....they must be on drugs.
Thursday 27th August
Hollin today. Bumped into Fangorn the Ent and his wife. Everyone stood around saying what a small world it is and then Fangorn asked Thranduil how his wife is. Thranduil said that she is living with another woman. Then everyone said what a small world it was again and parted company. Galadriel went mad at Thranduil. She had ''Do you have to tell eveyone?!'' and ''How do you think I feel, living with a lesbian's estranged husband?!''
Thranduil whined on for a bit, but then Galadriel started to look like Gandalf so he shut up.
Friday 28th August
Visited the Gladdan River. It was a bit of a dissapointment but Thranduil fell in which cheered me up a bit. Unfortunately, it was too shallow for him to drown in.
Saturday 29th August
Went for a walk with Glorfindel. He things his Mother is heading for her fourth divorce. He goes back to Rivendell first thing in the morning. He has an appointment with his pshyciatrist tommorow.
I will be glad to get home myself. I am waiting for Thranduil and Galadriel to return from their furtive love-making somewhere in the mountains.
We leave at dawn.
Monday 31st August
Back home again. Everyone is broke and the bank is shut. Elrond can't remember the number for his hole-in-the-wall card. He had the nerve to borrow a fiver from Gandalf. Fancy asking an old wizard for money! It lacks dignity.
September
Tuesday 1st September
Me and Arwen have been forced (by Gandalf) to go to the Shire and clean out Bag End for Bilbo. He owes £289 in rent arrears. He is paying them off at 50p a week, so it is a certainty that he will die in debt.
Wednesday 2nd September
Arwen and I went to look at Bag End today. It is truly an awesome sight. If Bilbo took all his empty bottles back to the off-license he could probably pay off all the rent arrears.
Thursday 3rd September
Elrond helped us to move all the furniture from Bag End out to the front garden. The woodworm came out to sunbathe. When we listed the carpets we discovered that Bilbo has been walking on a layer of dirt, old newspapers, hair pins and decomposed mice for years. We hung the carpets on the washing line and beat them all afternoon. Arwen got excited about 4 o clock, and claimed she could see a pattern emerging on one of the carpets. Closer inspection showed it to be a squashed fairy cake.
We are going back tommorow with Arwen's carpet shampoo. Arwen said that it has been tested by 'Which?' magazine, but I bet it has never had to clean a filthy hovel like Bag End before.
Friday 4th September
I have just witnessed a miracle!
This morning Bilbo's carpets were dark grey in colour. Now one is a Red Axminster and the other is a Blue Wilton! We have left them on the washing line to dry. We have scraped all the floors clean and washed the furtinture down. Arwen tried to wash the curtains but they fell to bits before she could get them into the sink.
Bilbo has been sat in a deckchair all day, critisizing and complaining. He can't see what's wrong with living in a dirty house. What IS wrong with living in a dirty house?
Saturday 5th September
Elrond took Bilbo's empty beer bottles back to the off-license. The boot, back-seat and floor of the car were full of them. The whole car stunk of brown ale. Elrond ran out of petrol on the way there and had to call the AA. The AA man was most uncivil. He said it wasn't the Automobile Association that Elrond needed, it was Alcoholics Anonymous.