A/N- MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bet you thought that I had dissapeared off the face of the Earth, didn't you?!
Anyway, I'M BACK, and I've merged the last three chapters of Aragorn's diary which covers October, November and December. Enjoy.........
******************************************************************
The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters
October
Saturday 3rd October
Went to Sainsbury's. They are selling Christmas cakes. I feel like my life is slipping away.
I am reading Wuthering Heights. It is brilliant. I am sure if I could get Arwen up somewhere high we could regain our old passion.
Sunday 4th October
Persuaded Arwen to sign up for Gandalf's trek over the Charadhas.
Bill has gone missing. This is a potent of doom.
Wednesday 7th October
Bill is still missing. Sam has put an advert in the window of the Prancing Pony.
Saturday 10th October
I am worried about Bill. He is missing presumed dead.
Another worry is Celeborn. He lies in bed until noon, then gets up, fries a mess in a pan, eats the mess and then sits in the living room watching Afternoon Plus.
Monday 12th October
Went to Gandalf's to be breifed for the Caradhas trip.
He was telling us about survival techniques. Gandalf reckons the best thing to do when your suffering from Hyperthermia is to climb into a sack with a naked woman. Arwen's lips went thin and she left the room. Just my luck to be stuck up a mountain with a frigid woman!
RIP Bill
Tuesday 13th October
Had an angry phonecall from Eomer, asking when we were planning to pick Bill up!
The stupid pony turned up at his house on the 6th October!
I went round immediately and was shocked at Bill's condition. He looked dead old and haggard. I have never seen a pony age so fast. Those eight days with Eomer must have been hell. He is very strict. I can't see him giving Bill his daily Twix.
Sunday 18th October (after Caradhas trip)
It is brilliant to be back to civilisation!
That is the last time I ever go on one of Gandalf's 'Treks'. We spent most of the time trudging through snow drifts and attempting to cook on a tiny primus stove. We almost starved. Thank god cheese doesn't leak, break, soak up water or come in a tin. Gandalf wouldn't even let us stop walking when a blizzard started.
I was glad to get back home. I am in bed because of my foot blisters. Arwen is not speaking to me. She said the trip was worse than the time Elrond gave her a sex talk using a balloon and a cucumber.
Tuesday 20th October
Here I am, lying in bed unable to move because of the agony, and Elrond carries out his parental responsibilities by throwing a bacon sandwich at me twice a day!
November
Friday 6th November
A bonfire party has been organised for tommorow night and I am being forced to go to it. Arwen is doing the food, Legolas is doing the fireworks and Elrond is in charge of lighting the bonfire so I will make sure I stand at least 100 meters away. I have seen him singe his eyebrows many a time.
Saturday 7th November
Following the warnings from Blue Peter and the media, I decided to lock Bill in the gardeners shed to stop him getting spooked by the fireworks. I couldn't find him anywhere so I gave up and went to the party. I found Bill standing next to Sam chewing a hotdog!
Friday 27th November
Got a postcard from the post office to say that unless Elrond pays the Bill by 4.00pm today, out phone will be cut off!
Saturday 28th November
Our phone has been cut off.
Got a telegram from Galadriel-
ARAGORNSTOPCOMINGHOMESTOP
What does she mean 'Stop coming home?' how can I stop coming home, I live here!
Sunday 29th November
Galadriel has just turned up with no warning!
She had all of her suitcases with her!
She has just thrown herself on the mercy of Celeborn. Celeborn has just thrown himself on the body of Galadriel. I am dreading her looking round the castle. It is really dirty. She will go mad when she finds out that Arwen has lent her fox fur coat to Eowyn.
December
Tuesday 1st December
I called the post office from a pay phone down the road and pretended to by my Father. I said that I, Elrond Halfelven, had been in a lunatic asylum for three months and needed the home phone to ring The Samaritans etc.
The woman at the other end got dead mad. She said she didn't care if I was the Iluvatar himself, we wouldn't get the phone re-connected until the bill of £289.47p has been paid, plus a deposit of £80, plus a re-connection fee of £50!
When Celeborn and Galadriel get up and discover the lack of dialling tone, Elrond will be done for!
Sunday 6th December
Elrond has been forced to pay for the phone to be re-connected.
He is being treated like a criminal.
Sunday 13th December
Celeborn and Galadriel had a festive time decorating the Christmas tree.
When it was finished it looked OK. Legolas wasn't too thrilled with it considering he is supposed to be big on trees. Bill on the other hand, had one of his mad fits and had to be restrained with a rolled up 'Guardian'.
Tuesday 15th December
I asked Galadriel why she left Thranduil today.
She said- ''Thranduil treated me like a sex object. He always expected his evening meal to be cooked for him and he cut his toe-nails in the living room.....besides, I'm rather fond of Celeborn.''
She didn't mention me or Arwen!
Wednesday 16th December
Legolas is directing an experimental Nativity play called 'Manger to Star'. I am playing Joseph, Arwen is Mary and Pippin is playing Jesus.
Friday 18th December
Today's rehearsal of 'Manger to Star' was a complete fiasco.
Pippin has grown too big for the crib so Frodo has got to make another one. Gandalf came along to watch. He stood at the back of the hall with Legolas. He had an expression like the north face of Eigar by the time we had finished. He took Legolas into the next room for 'A quiet word'. A quiet word! We heard everything he shouted. He said he knew it would be a mitake to let Legolas take charge. He said he wanted to see a traditional Nativity play, with a Tiny Tears doll playing Jesus and the three wise man wearing tea-towels and dressing gowns. Then he threatened to cancel the play if Mary (a.k.a Arwen) continued to go into simulated labour in the manger!
This is typical. How can we change it now? It is being performed on Tuesday.
Galadriel got a Christmas card from that creep Thranduil. He had written inside it- 'Do you have the ticket for my best white suit? Sketchley's are being very difficult.'
Galadriel was upset after she read the card so Celeborn called Thranduil and told him to cease communications or risk getting a peice of Mirkwood bark between his shoulder blades. Celeborn looked dead good on the phone. He had a fag in his mouth. Galadriel was leaning on the side of the fridge, she had a fag in her hand. They looked a bit like Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.
Sunday 20th December
Arwen and I had a private Manger to Star rehearsal in our room. We improvised a great scene where Mary gets back from the family planning clinic and tells Joseph that she is pregnant. It was going well until Elrond complained about the shouting. Bill was supposed to be the lowly cattle be he couldn't keep still long enough to make a tableau.
After tea, Galadriel casually mentioned that she was going to wear her fox fur coat to the concert on Tuesday!
I had to leggit round to Faramir and Eowyn's and get the coat, but Eowyn told me that she has lent the coat to her Mother to go to Tom Bombadil's Christmas Dinner and Dance! She will not be back until the early hours so I will have to go round at dawn tommorow and sneak the coat back to the castle before Galadriel notices that it has gone missing.
It won't be easy but then again, nothing in my life is anymore. I feel like a character in a Russian novel half the time.
Monday 21st December
Woke up in a panic to discover that it was 8.50am by my bedside digital!
I got up and then found that the world was covered in snow. I trudged round to Faramir and Eowyn's house. I looked through the latterbox and saw Eowyn's cat dragging the fur coat around the hall! I shouted swear words at it but the stupid cat ignored me so I had no choice but to storm charge the laundry room door and get the coat by force.
I staggered back to the castle and fell into the kitchen in a state of Hypertenstion. Galadriel was smoking and making mince pies. She screamed ''WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FOX FUR COAT?!''
Then she grabbed it off me and started drying the fur with a hairdryer. She didn't make me a hot drink or anything!
When she was finished screaming at me she said- ''You can make yourself useful and go and check and campbeds for rust. Elrohir, Elladan and Haldir are coming to stay for Christmas.''
Great.
Tuesday 22nd December
Tonight was the concert and it did not go well.
The Ent's bell ringing went on for too long and Elrond said ''The bells! The bells!''.
The orchestra from Bree were terrible. Galadriel asked when they were going to stop tuning up and start playing. I told her they had just played a Mozart horn concerto and she laughed too loud and made Gandalf look at her. A group of Orcs got up and sang some carols (the vulgar versions) and then Eomer played the piano, violin, flute and Jew's harp. The smarmy git looked dead superior when he was bowing during his applause.
After the interval it was time for Manger to Star. I was brilliant! I really got under the skin of Joseph nut Arwen wasn't as good. She forgot to look tenderly at Pippin/Jesus.
In the car on the way home, Elrond said ''That was the funniest Nativity I've ever seen Whose idea was it to turn it into a comedy?''
Me and Arwen just looked at each other. It wasn't a comedy.
Thursday 24th December
The castle looks dead clean and tidy (for a change). I have searched around for my presents, but they are not in the usual places. I want a racing bike. Nothing else will please me. It's about time I was independantly mobile.
Friday 25th December
Got up at 5am to have a ride on my racing bike. Elrond paid for it with his American Express card. I couldn't ride it far because of the snow but it didn't matter. I just like looking at it. Elrond had written on the gift tag- 'Don't leave it out in the rain!' As if I would!
Elladan and Elrohir arrived shortly after with Haldir (who Galadriel had invited out of pity). Elladan and Elrohir looked the same as usual, like they go to funerals every day of their lives. I am ashamed to call them my step-brothers. They refused a drink and had a cup of tea whilst Galadriel defrosted the turkey in the bath. Gandalf and Bilbo arrived at 12.30 and pretended to like Elladan and Elrohir.
I went into the bathroom a little while later and found Galadriel crying over the turkey. She said ''I can't get it to defrost Aragorn! What am I going to do?''
I said ''Just bung it in the oven!'' so she did.
We sat down to dinner four hours late. By that time, Elrond was too drunk to eat anything.
Gandalf gave me a book called 'Bible Stories for Boys''. I could hardly tell him that I had lost my faith so I said thankyou and wore a false smile for so long that it hurt.
Elladan and Elrohir went to their campbeds at 9pm. Haldir, Elrond, Legolas, Gimli, Celeborn and Bilbo played cards while I polished by bike. We had a good time making jokes about Elladan and Elrohir until Gandalf and Bilbo went home.
Saturday 26th December
Elladan and Elrohir got up at 7am and sat around in their best clothes, looking respectable. I went for a ride on my bike. When I got back, Arwen, Galadriel and Celeborn were still in bed, and Elrond was having an argument with his sons about Bill's behaviour so I went for another ride. I called in on Gandalf and ate four mince pies, then I rode back home.
Sunday 27th December
Elladan and Elrohir have gone back to Rivendell, thank god. Haldir has gone back to Lorien. The castle is back to it's usual mess. Celeborn and Galadriel took a bottle of vodka and two glasses with them to bed last night and haven't been seen since.
Tuesday 29th December
Elrond is in a bad mood because there is only one bottle of VP sherry left to drink. He has gone round to Faramir's to borrow a bottle of spirits.
Bill has pulled down the Christmas tree and made all the pine needles stick in the shag pile.
Thursday 31st December
Last day of the year!
Celeborn and Galadriel went to a New Year's Eve dance in Rohan. Galadriel actually wore a dress. It has been 300 years since she showed her legs in public!
Elrond came crashing through the door at 2am, drunk as usual and clutching a lump of coal. He started going on about what a wonderful son I was and how he really loved me.
It's a pity he never says anything like that when he is sober.
*******************************************************
That's it FINITO!
Don't dispair though.
The sequel to this Fic- 'The Growing Pains of Aragorn, King of Gondor' is coming soon!!!
Bet you thought that I had dissapeared off the face of the Earth, didn't you?!
Anyway, I'M BACK, and I've merged the last three chapters of Aragorn's diary which covers October, November and December. Enjoy.........
******************************************************************
The Diary of Aragorn Aged 42 and Three Quarters
October
Saturday 3rd October
Went to Sainsbury's. They are selling Christmas cakes. I feel like my life is slipping away.
I am reading Wuthering Heights. It is brilliant. I am sure if I could get Arwen up somewhere high we could regain our old passion.
Sunday 4th October
Persuaded Arwen to sign up for Gandalf's trek over the Charadhas.
Bill has gone missing. This is a potent of doom.
Wednesday 7th October
Bill is still missing. Sam has put an advert in the window of the Prancing Pony.
Saturday 10th October
I am worried about Bill. He is missing presumed dead.
Another worry is Celeborn. He lies in bed until noon, then gets up, fries a mess in a pan, eats the mess and then sits in the living room watching Afternoon Plus.
Monday 12th October
Went to Gandalf's to be breifed for the Caradhas trip.
He was telling us about survival techniques. Gandalf reckons the best thing to do when your suffering from Hyperthermia is to climb into a sack with a naked woman. Arwen's lips went thin and she left the room. Just my luck to be stuck up a mountain with a frigid woman!
RIP Bill
Tuesday 13th October
Had an angry phonecall from Eomer, asking when we were planning to pick Bill up!
The stupid pony turned up at his house on the 6th October!
I went round immediately and was shocked at Bill's condition. He looked dead old and haggard. I have never seen a pony age so fast. Those eight days with Eomer must have been hell. He is very strict. I can't see him giving Bill his daily Twix.
Sunday 18th October (after Caradhas trip)
It is brilliant to be back to civilisation!
That is the last time I ever go on one of Gandalf's 'Treks'. We spent most of the time trudging through snow drifts and attempting to cook on a tiny primus stove. We almost starved. Thank god cheese doesn't leak, break, soak up water or come in a tin. Gandalf wouldn't even let us stop walking when a blizzard started.
I was glad to get back home. I am in bed because of my foot blisters. Arwen is not speaking to me. She said the trip was worse than the time Elrond gave her a sex talk using a balloon and a cucumber.
Tuesday 20th October
Here I am, lying in bed unable to move because of the agony, and Elrond carries out his parental responsibilities by throwing a bacon sandwich at me twice a day!
November
Friday 6th November
A bonfire party has been organised for tommorow night and I am being forced to go to it. Arwen is doing the food, Legolas is doing the fireworks and Elrond is in charge of lighting the bonfire so I will make sure I stand at least 100 meters away. I have seen him singe his eyebrows many a time.
Saturday 7th November
Following the warnings from Blue Peter and the media, I decided to lock Bill in the gardeners shed to stop him getting spooked by the fireworks. I couldn't find him anywhere so I gave up and went to the party. I found Bill standing next to Sam chewing a hotdog!
Friday 27th November
Got a postcard from the post office to say that unless Elrond pays the Bill by 4.00pm today, out phone will be cut off!
Saturday 28th November
Our phone has been cut off.
Got a telegram from Galadriel-
ARAGORNSTOPCOMINGHOMESTOP
What does she mean 'Stop coming home?' how can I stop coming home, I live here!
Sunday 29th November
Galadriel has just turned up with no warning!
She had all of her suitcases with her!
She has just thrown herself on the mercy of Celeborn. Celeborn has just thrown himself on the body of Galadriel. I am dreading her looking round the castle. It is really dirty. She will go mad when she finds out that Arwen has lent her fox fur coat to Eowyn.
December
Tuesday 1st December
I called the post office from a pay phone down the road and pretended to by my Father. I said that I, Elrond Halfelven, had been in a lunatic asylum for three months and needed the home phone to ring The Samaritans etc.
The woman at the other end got dead mad. She said she didn't care if I was the Iluvatar himself, we wouldn't get the phone re-connected until the bill of £289.47p has been paid, plus a deposit of £80, plus a re-connection fee of £50!
When Celeborn and Galadriel get up and discover the lack of dialling tone, Elrond will be done for!
Sunday 6th December
Elrond has been forced to pay for the phone to be re-connected.
He is being treated like a criminal.
Sunday 13th December
Celeborn and Galadriel had a festive time decorating the Christmas tree.
When it was finished it looked OK. Legolas wasn't too thrilled with it considering he is supposed to be big on trees. Bill on the other hand, had one of his mad fits and had to be restrained with a rolled up 'Guardian'.
Tuesday 15th December
I asked Galadriel why she left Thranduil today.
She said- ''Thranduil treated me like a sex object. He always expected his evening meal to be cooked for him and he cut his toe-nails in the living room.....besides, I'm rather fond of Celeborn.''
She didn't mention me or Arwen!
Wednesday 16th December
Legolas is directing an experimental Nativity play called 'Manger to Star'. I am playing Joseph, Arwen is Mary and Pippin is playing Jesus.
Friday 18th December
Today's rehearsal of 'Manger to Star' was a complete fiasco.
Pippin has grown too big for the crib so Frodo has got to make another one. Gandalf came along to watch. He stood at the back of the hall with Legolas. He had an expression like the north face of Eigar by the time we had finished. He took Legolas into the next room for 'A quiet word'. A quiet word! We heard everything he shouted. He said he knew it would be a mitake to let Legolas take charge. He said he wanted to see a traditional Nativity play, with a Tiny Tears doll playing Jesus and the three wise man wearing tea-towels and dressing gowns. Then he threatened to cancel the play if Mary (a.k.a Arwen) continued to go into simulated labour in the manger!
This is typical. How can we change it now? It is being performed on Tuesday.
Galadriel got a Christmas card from that creep Thranduil. He had written inside it- 'Do you have the ticket for my best white suit? Sketchley's are being very difficult.'
Galadriel was upset after she read the card so Celeborn called Thranduil and told him to cease communications or risk getting a peice of Mirkwood bark between his shoulder blades. Celeborn looked dead good on the phone. He had a fag in his mouth. Galadriel was leaning on the side of the fridge, she had a fag in her hand. They looked a bit like Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.
Sunday 20th December
Arwen and I had a private Manger to Star rehearsal in our room. We improvised a great scene where Mary gets back from the family planning clinic and tells Joseph that she is pregnant. It was going well until Elrond complained about the shouting. Bill was supposed to be the lowly cattle be he couldn't keep still long enough to make a tableau.
After tea, Galadriel casually mentioned that she was going to wear her fox fur coat to the concert on Tuesday!
I had to leggit round to Faramir and Eowyn's and get the coat, but Eowyn told me that she has lent the coat to her Mother to go to Tom Bombadil's Christmas Dinner and Dance! She will not be back until the early hours so I will have to go round at dawn tommorow and sneak the coat back to the castle before Galadriel notices that it has gone missing.
It won't be easy but then again, nothing in my life is anymore. I feel like a character in a Russian novel half the time.
Monday 21st December
Woke up in a panic to discover that it was 8.50am by my bedside digital!
I got up and then found that the world was covered in snow. I trudged round to Faramir and Eowyn's house. I looked through the latterbox and saw Eowyn's cat dragging the fur coat around the hall! I shouted swear words at it but the stupid cat ignored me so I had no choice but to storm charge the laundry room door and get the coat by force.
I staggered back to the castle and fell into the kitchen in a state of Hypertenstion. Galadriel was smoking and making mince pies. She screamed ''WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FOX FUR COAT?!''
Then she grabbed it off me and started drying the fur with a hairdryer. She didn't make me a hot drink or anything!
When she was finished screaming at me she said- ''You can make yourself useful and go and check and campbeds for rust. Elrohir, Elladan and Haldir are coming to stay for Christmas.''
Great.
Tuesday 22nd December
Tonight was the concert and it did not go well.
The Ent's bell ringing went on for too long and Elrond said ''The bells! The bells!''.
The orchestra from Bree were terrible. Galadriel asked when they were going to stop tuning up and start playing. I told her they had just played a Mozart horn concerto and she laughed too loud and made Gandalf look at her. A group of Orcs got up and sang some carols (the vulgar versions) and then Eomer played the piano, violin, flute and Jew's harp. The smarmy git looked dead superior when he was bowing during his applause.
After the interval it was time for Manger to Star. I was brilliant! I really got under the skin of Joseph nut Arwen wasn't as good. She forgot to look tenderly at Pippin/Jesus.
In the car on the way home, Elrond said ''That was the funniest Nativity I've ever seen Whose idea was it to turn it into a comedy?''
Me and Arwen just looked at each other. It wasn't a comedy.
Thursday 24th December
The castle looks dead clean and tidy (for a change). I have searched around for my presents, but they are not in the usual places. I want a racing bike. Nothing else will please me. It's about time I was independantly mobile.
Friday 25th December
Got up at 5am to have a ride on my racing bike. Elrond paid for it with his American Express card. I couldn't ride it far because of the snow but it didn't matter. I just like looking at it. Elrond had written on the gift tag- 'Don't leave it out in the rain!' As if I would!
Elladan and Elrohir arrived shortly after with Haldir (who Galadriel had invited out of pity). Elladan and Elrohir looked the same as usual, like they go to funerals every day of their lives. I am ashamed to call them my step-brothers. They refused a drink and had a cup of tea whilst Galadriel defrosted the turkey in the bath. Gandalf and Bilbo arrived at 12.30 and pretended to like Elladan and Elrohir.
I went into the bathroom a little while later and found Galadriel crying over the turkey. She said ''I can't get it to defrost Aragorn! What am I going to do?''
I said ''Just bung it in the oven!'' so she did.
We sat down to dinner four hours late. By that time, Elrond was too drunk to eat anything.
Gandalf gave me a book called 'Bible Stories for Boys''. I could hardly tell him that I had lost my faith so I said thankyou and wore a false smile for so long that it hurt.
Elladan and Elrohir went to their campbeds at 9pm. Haldir, Elrond, Legolas, Gimli, Celeborn and Bilbo played cards while I polished by bike. We had a good time making jokes about Elladan and Elrohir until Gandalf and Bilbo went home.
Saturday 26th December
Elladan and Elrohir got up at 7am and sat around in their best clothes, looking respectable. I went for a ride on my bike. When I got back, Arwen, Galadriel and Celeborn were still in bed, and Elrond was having an argument with his sons about Bill's behaviour so I went for another ride. I called in on Gandalf and ate four mince pies, then I rode back home.
Sunday 27th December
Elladan and Elrohir have gone back to Rivendell, thank god. Haldir has gone back to Lorien. The castle is back to it's usual mess. Celeborn and Galadriel took a bottle of vodka and two glasses with them to bed last night and haven't been seen since.
Tuesday 29th December
Elrond is in a bad mood because there is only one bottle of VP sherry left to drink. He has gone round to Faramir's to borrow a bottle of spirits.
Bill has pulled down the Christmas tree and made all the pine needles stick in the shag pile.
Thursday 31st December
Last day of the year!
Celeborn and Galadriel went to a New Year's Eve dance in Rohan. Galadriel actually wore a dress. It has been 300 years since she showed her legs in public!
Elrond came crashing through the door at 2am, drunk as usual and clutching a lump of coal. He started going on about what a wonderful son I was and how he really loved me.
It's a pity he never says anything like that when he is sober.
*******************************************************
That's it FINITO!
Don't dispair though.
The sequel to this Fic- 'The Growing Pains of Aragorn, King of Gondor' is coming soon!!!