Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

Nemis (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

Katy (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

Casey (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

Joan Milligan (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

Kelsey (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas."

Alena (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

Autumn (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

Harle (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

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Comments for this part of the fic (and the answers to the reviews)

Nemis asks: was I just chastised by Anna for starting another fic? grin

Oh, and I was so very nicely doing what she asked me to do for Elrond and Celebrían… Don't worry, I'm not quitting those… Just need some fun…

New members: Everyone is welcome, see our profile to get the link where you can join (we are so professional…)

Anyways: readers, do not get into a twitch about present/past tense, since I do not change too much from what everyone posts (sacrilege towards writers). This is not supposed to be a work of literature… if you hadn't noticed (I suspect you did)

Since we have both British as well as American English writers, don't get into a knot about that either… Just sit back, relax, and let yourself be swept away by the silliness…

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Chapter Two   First Arrivals

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Part One (in which we get our first arrival)

Katy

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Elrond and Gil-galad both look at each other, with an expression of almost fear writ clearly across their faces. Just as Elrond is about to comment in a sarcastic manner again, a noise, a very horrible noise, comes from outside of the tent,

Two guards enter, dragging in between them, a bedraggled figure from which the horrible noises are coming. Dropping the figure unceremoniously in front of the High-king, his Regent and Nemis, the guards salute.

'We found this creature skulking near to the camp. It hasn't explained it's self and we were told to bring it to you.'

The 'creature' has by this time raised itself to her feet and a pair of eyes are now visible, eyes which are glaring ferociously at the guards.

Gil-galad surveys the figure in front of him.

'Well stranger, explain yourself.'

Trying to gather dignity, the anon figure starts. 'IT'S NOT MY FAULT. One minute I'm sitting on the computer at school and then the next minute I'm here and covered with filth. I'm cold, I'm wet, it stinks here and then I get two sharp spears stuck at my neck and am told to come with this pair.' She, for it is now obvious from the tone of voice that the intruder is a female. '…and my new school shoes are ruined…' She displays a muddy foot. '…all I'm saying is that I expected Elves, especially HIGH elves to be a little more courteous than this.'
 Nemis has now figured that this is indeed one of her fellow UCMEC members, which one being the real question.
'OK, who exactly are you?' She asks. 'I know you're from UCMEC… which member… please?'
The member coughs a little and smiles. 'Katy here. And I take it this is the Last Alliance, Nemis?'

Elrond interrupts. 'This is one of the 'friends' you spoke of?'

'Yeah,' Nemis replies vaguely. 'She made Glorfindel into a gossip freak a few centuries ago…'

Elrond frowns. 'OH REALLY?'

'Look before you behead me for making Glorfindel absolutely unbearable at times, please, at least, let me have a bath and some clean clothes.' Katy pleads, scratching mud from her long skirt. 'It's not fair executing dirty prisoners, especially when they're women…'

'Two women…' Gil-galad ponders. 'How many more are we to expect?' He questions Nemis, as Katy is led out of the tent by Elrond.

'No idea…'

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Part Three (in which we wonder about hair)

Casey

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an enthused cry can be hear outside

Giving each other a look, as if either of them has any idea what this is about, they make their way to the entrance of the tent.

There, Nemis grins and Gil-galad's eyes grow even larger than before.
'Oh, Nem, this is great! You've got Elf-boy here, oh, and, hi Katy, 'A blonde with blue high-lights in her hair waves at Katy, who is standing beside Elrond, before turning to Gil-galad and Nemis again. 'Aaw, and Noldorin Royalty!' She waves seductively at Gil-galad. 'But there is a rule saying you are not available.' She aims a short but deadly glance at Nemis, who raises an eyebrow.

Elrond, meanwhile, seems even more frightened than before. His voice is a whisper.

'Elbereth, help me…'

Casey, for that is who she is, grins broadly.

'Heya, Elf-boy, remember me?'

By the look on his face, it appear Elrond does.

Gil-galad gives Casey an enquiring look.
'What do you mean, there is a rule I am not available?'

Casey takes some quick steps, winks at Nemis and catches one of Gil-galad's braids.

'Never mind that, forget I said it, you have to tell me how you get your hair so nice and soft.'

[short comment from Nemis: Before we started writing this, I made up the single rule to abide by in this story: Gil-galad is mine… Unless you make up a great story-change, in which case I will gladly claim Elrond. This is what Casey was referring to earlier in this fic.]

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Part Four (in which Katy receives come-uppance for making Glorfindel a gossip freak)

Katy

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Elrond stands, rendered temporarily speechless by the upfrontness of the latest arrival.

That is until Katy waves a blackened muddy hand in front of his eyes.

'Hello? Is it possible to get a wash here, or do I have to stay like this until we finish this battle?'

'Of course, you will need clean garments.' He murmurs, still staring at Nemis, Casey and Gil-galad. 'Glorfindel will escort you to where you may wash and dress.'

'Thankyou.' She sighs, following the golden haired (dare I say blonde?) elf out of the door. They are half way to their destination when Glorfindel sights another figure on the horizon which definitely isn't an elf.

'Do you see that, Lady?' He asks Katy, who hasn't. They both stop and as the figure draws closer, Katy gives a horrified gasp.

'Heavens!' She cries, as the figure comes into view. 'Why? WHY IN THE VALAR'S NAME DID HE HAVE TO COME HERE?!?'

'Who has come?' Asks a bewildered Glorfindel.

'Fozzie bear.' Comes the reply.

'Fozzie bear?'

'Not really Fozzie bear, that boy Sean from school. The one who won't leave me alone. With any luck he'll get killed…'

'So… you are betrothed to him???' Glorfindel is getting ideas.

'NO! DEFINITELY NOT! I'd rather be betrothed to a Balrog than THAT.' Katy yells, pulling at Glorfindel's arm. 'C'mon, let's get out of sight before he sees me.'

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Part Five (in which Nemis finally get the chance to introduce herself)

Nemis

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All of them look at Glorfindel and Katy as they leave the mud-trodden piece of land in front of the tent.

Gil-galad narrows his brow.
'I gather her name is Katy, and this specimen is called… Casey. You are Nem?' He looks at Nemis, and she feels uncomfortable under his inspecting gaze.
'Well, actually, no, but for argument's sake, my name is Nemis here, just like yours is usually Gil-galad, Mr Ereinion, sir.'

Gil-galad nods, strangely understanding.

'And blue hair is a natural colour with your… people?'
Casey grins.

'Sure.'

Nemis pulls Casey away from Gil-galad.

'We need to have a word here, Case.'

Gil-galad nods.

'I believe you owe us an explanation.'

Nemis sighs, giving the High-king a strange look. She turns to Casey again.
'Let's go inside.' Pushing Casey into the tent, she looks at Elrond.

'Better get in here too, El, since this will concern you big-time. And don't worry about Casey… Just see it as a bad, bad dream…'
As she leads the Lord of Imladris, severely shocked (Nemis likes him severely shocked), after Casey, Gil-galad makes to follow the, indicating to his guards he does not want anyone to disturb them.

'Unless, of course, we get more of these…U …C …M …E …C … members.'

'But how will we recognise those, my Lord?'

'I think you will know as soon as you see one…' He mumbles, before dropping the flap of the tent.
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Part Six Let the mayhem continue! (or: The Entrance of Melkor's underwear and two characters that should definitely not have been allowed into the Last Alliance especially not together)

Joan

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'She's doing WHAT?'

Now, it wasn't that Joan was new to fanfic, alternate realities and self-insertion. Not at all. However, the idea that Nemis will be there to ogle Gil-galad and she won't was another matter entirely.
Therefore, the Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear (and Legolas' True Hair Colour, which is black, I just had to note. Now shoot me) sat pondering before her keyboard.
'I could go… I actually ought to go…'
 However, there was one other thing to consider. If she were to go, the two buggers who refused to leave the not-so-safe sanctuary of her brain may follow.
Which may not be such a bad thing…

A moment later, she was introduced to the concept of YUCK.
'Gotta hate Mordor in tourist season,' Joan muttered, straightening and studying the massive plains of sheer Yuck in all its various forms. Sure enough it was the right time and place. Lots of Yuck-covered people were walking or nancing around, depending on the shape of their ears, and she could just see the Really Big Tent in the distance…

At that very moment, as unfortunately expected, Fëanor and Éomer appeared on both sides of her, thankfully plucked out of scenes in which they were still fully clothed.
At once they blinked and looked around in shock, which gave her the time she needed to stop drooling, and then catching sight of her started talking all too loudly. It took her a moment to realize she couldn't understand a word they said.
Sighing, she breathed in and screamed at the top of her lungs: 'Ahem!! Spirits of the Universal Translator!!'

The universe rolled its eyes, and Quenya and the Western Tongue melted into perfect English, resulting in her blushing very, very deeply. Who would think and Elf lord knew such words?
'Guys! Calm down. No fangirls around here!'

'What did we do to deserve this?' Éomer demanded.
 Joan shrugged. 'Don't ask me. You were in my head.'

'It's you who is obsessed with us…'
The writer blushed again. 'I am not!'

Fëanor snorted. 'And the reason I spend most of the story with my shirt off is…?
'Suckly Elven fashion sense?' They both gave very meaningful groans, and she almost kicked them. 'Come on, you guys! I write about everyone!'

'Everyone male and with a pulse,' Éomer commented, and got kicked slightly off any locations which may have excluded him from the first category.
'Shut up, pervy Hobbit fancier, you. Now listen up, we have a mission. We're here to save the life of a very cute Elf lord by the name of Gil-galad and possibly save Middle-Earth a lot of trouble while we're at it.'

'And how do we do that?' Fëanor asked while beheading several passing Legolases.
Joan frowned. 'Well, first of all, we find Nemis. She should be…'

And they might have gone and found Nemis, if in that moment a number of human soldiers did not come and ask Joan just where the heck she popped out from and why she was holding bright green underwear. That unfortunate conversation ended of course with her being dragged off quite rudely, while Éomer and Fëanor simply stared as she shouted.
'Hey!' Help me out, won't you?! They're taking me to Isildur and - !'

Éomer blinked, 'Isildur? Is he not the one you made sing that very rude… thing to the entire Last Alliance?'
Joan was once again reintroduced to Yuck, up close and personal. Soon she was out of sight.
Éomer and Fëanor looked at each other.
'Think we should help her out?'

'Well, she can undress us with a thought…'
And with that well in mind, they headed to find the mysterious Nemis.

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Part 7 (Da Plan… or: Nemis thinks she can lead and gets away with it)

Nemis
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As Elrond sat on one of the chairs at the table, receiving a cup of wine to temper his nerves, Nemis looked at Casey, her voice soft.

'I would rather wait until there are more of us, but somehow I suspect nothing has to be explained more than once here… she glimpses up as if someone is watching

Casey smiles, meanwhile ogling Gil-galad, who is attempting to listen in, but in such a way that Nemis, who he has judged to be the 'leader' of the 'UCMEC' whatever that was cannot notice.

Of course Nemis, (who has a brother and knows boys will be boys) already noticed it. She keeps moving, her hand carefully clasped around Casey's upper arm (she doesn't exactly trust her either).
'It's like this, mission number one: make sure Gil-galad does not come anywhere near Evil-Fire-breath-guy, let Elendil darn and soon-to-be-Ring-boy deal with him… Second, make sure Elrond doesn't accidentally die, or we would have to do a time-warp or something… Third, kick Ring-boy into mountain. Do you suppose Círdan is around?'

Gil-galad smirks.

'He is of course.' He suddenly realises he was not allowed to what he just did as he receives an angry look from Nemis.

'I have to ask you this, Mr High-king of the Noldor, sir. Did you understand anything of what I just said?'

'One would deduct Evil-Fire-breath-guy is Gorthaur, but I am not sure who soon-to-be-Ring-boy is… And what should kicking him into the mountain achieve?'

'A major reduction of the volume of Lord of the Rings.' Casey smirks, as she almost has to sit down with laughter.

Elrond still doesn't seem very comfortable with her. She looks at him.

'Okay, I'm sorry, alright? The fact that Nemis is writing such a nice story about you should be making you happy?'

Elrond looks even more nervous now.

Nemis looks at Casey.

'I suppose he doesn't really know that yet… Let's try this from a little philosophical perspective. They know about what historically has happened until now… He knew about the arrow, because that has already happened, during the last war… But I doubt whether they know anything beyond that, since the story has not yet been finished… What I mean is, I don't think they know anything that hasn't happened yet…'

Casey grins at Elrond.

'Oh, boy, are you going to be pissed off when you get to the part I've just read…'

Nemis sighs as she watches Elrond get even more nervous than he already was. (yes, it *is* possible)

'Case, leave him alone, will you? I don't want to spend an entire evening trying to explain all that to him…'

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Chapter 8 (Elfy…?)

Kelsey

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Kelsey crept as stealthily as possible for a human to the entrance way of the tent. She could already hear the muffled voices and see the lights of candles gleaming from within.

'Damn!' she thought 'two girls, two elves and another one off with Glorfindel, I shouldn't have spent all that time trying to find out if Aragorn's ancestor's bear any resemblance to him (they don't of course, she found them merely hairy and dirty without their descendant's charm.)'

It was obvious she was not getting a high king or future high king.

'Just as well,' she supposed. 'I'll settle for any non-Legolas with pointy ears and this place is crawling with elves, too bad Elrond' adorable twin boys aren't born, let alone are adults, yet.'

With this thought, she padded away muttering 'here elfy, elfy, elfy' under her breath and pursuing the startled yips and retreating elven footfalls through the darkness of Mordor.

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Didn't I warn you to be afraid?

We have created a monster bwahahaha!