Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

Nemis (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

Katy (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

Casey (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

Joan Milligan (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

Kelsey (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas."

Alena (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

Autumn (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

Harle (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

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Chapter 3 More Arrivals and More Insanity…

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Part 9 (in which Alena and bad verse make an entrance)

Alena

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They all jumped at the sound of a loud yelp just outside the tent, followed by an eruption of commotion. Running out, they were greeted by the sight of a dark-headed Easterling woman, wildly dashing headlong towards them, several Elven guards in hot pursuit.

Two more guards stepped up from the sides, intercepting the running female. She made a sharp turn, at the same time trying to yank out a funny-looking sword hanging at her side. But the sword seemed to be stuck or rusted into its scabbard. The woman overbalanced, skidded, and fell flat on her back. In an instant, the tip of an Elven sword was resting on the tip of her nose. Another blade was halted within two inches of her neck, and two more were pointed at her chest.

'Hey!' the woman yelled, glaring up at her captors. 'Let me go! Just because I'm an Easterling doesn't mean that I'm a spy! If you don't let me go, things are gonna get horribly awry! I may be an Easterling, but if you prick us, do we not bleed? Yet the Faithful House of Bór in the Elder Days did great deeds!'

A collective cringe from the Elf soldier, Gil-galad, Elrond, and the other UCMEC members. Gil-galad looked at Nemis. 'Do you know this… female?'

Nemis was tempted to deny it, but the Elves swords looked awfully sharp. She rolled her eyes.

'Alena, first of all, you are an entirely different Easterling than the House of Bor. Secondly, why are you speaking in bad verse?'

Gil-galad gave a sigh, and motioned for the guards to step back. The Easterling woman rose to her feet, and began to dust herself off. Her eyes scanned the others, finally resting on the face of Elrond.

'Um, I was trying to impress Lord Elrond,' she answered demurely.

Elrond groaned, for the umpteenth time in the last two hours.

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Part 10 (in which Kelsey takes the Mary-Sue-thing delightfully serious)

Kelsey

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Kelsey grunted and cursed lightly under her breath, she had greatly underestimated the elves' ability to scurry away when they heard the tramp of a UCMEC member. They had heard enough of Elrond and Gil-galad's predicament to be more than a little wary.

Be that as it may, she had still managed to trap five of them, and her aforementioned grunting and cursing was taking place while she bound the legs of her latest captive.

At this time, she was thinking that if she had remembered to make her hair long and flowing, and her eyes the appropriate sapphire/emerald/violet/amber so she wouldn't have to chase after them in this undistinguished fashion.

She was, in fact, so totally observed in "Operation Elven Harem" that she failed to notice one of the guards creep up behind her, as elves are known to do.

'Ahem…' As he cleared his throat, hers went inexplicably dry. 'Can I ask what you are doing?' The polite phrasing of his question was cancelled out by the gleaming of his unsheathed sword.

Can't very well say I'm making off with half your battalion as my personal love slaves, can I? She considered it, but decided that would not go over particularly well.

'Well…' she stuttered, 'These 5 are defective, I'm taking them back to my workshop and then I'll bring them all back.' She prayed that the guard, obviously from Imladris, had never happened across Elrond's copy of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

'Well…' He seemed to be seriously considering it, 'I suppose that would be alright, just so long as you bring them back before the battle.'

'Will do!' Kelsey replied with an enthusiastic salute before he trotted off on more pressing matters.

'Looks like its just you and me, boys.' She grinned and the five squirmed exasperatedly in the bindings and sighed through their gags.

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Part 11 (in which Katy seems to have alternative motives too…)

Katy

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Katy after having a long bath and missing most of the insanity and general confusion of the past few postings, is finally presentable and so comes back to the Regent's tent.

There, she finds Alena, Nemis, Casey and two now headachey looking descendants of Finwë, all trying o find out what on Arda is going on.

'Er, hello?' She clears her throat and glares at all assembled to try and attract some attention, apart from that of Glorfindel, who is grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Being ignored, Katy tries plan B – put on the helpless scared maiden voice to attract male's attention.

'There is something outside the camp and it's evil looking and I think it could be a spy!'

Now being listened to, she continues, apart from that fact that Glorfindel has now started to try and explain to everyone else what the evil looking spy thingy is.

'What she REALLY means is that-' He's cut off as Katy stuffs her long suffering school tie into his mouth and continues on.

'It looks like a spy and seems to have a bright yellow wristwatc- I mean, something on it's wrist. We should capture and kill it straight away.'

The rest of the occupants stare at her and the blue tie protruding half way from Glorfindel's mouth.

'WELL, I mean it might be…' Katy fades off. It's quite obvious that she has something to hide.

'What if the figure turns out to be another U C M E C member?' Gil-galad asked in a reasonable tone.

'Trust me on this, for where I come from, such creatures are to be found on a regular basis. It's NOT one of us.' Katy assures them in panicked tones.

'Guards!' Elrond calls, smirking in a rather devious way at Katy, a way which makes it overly obvious he knows just what's the matter. 'Bring this creature Katy speaks of to us, We shall then decide what is to be done with it.'

'OK, OK, OK!' Comes Katy's panicked retort as soon as the guards have left. 'Just don't let it come near me when you find it!'

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Part 12 More Insanity! (in which Joan actually reaches the ReallyBigTent; with disastrous consequences, and Éomer is cold)

Joan

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It was actually annoyingly easy, Joan thought, as she made her way away from Isildur's tent. Just mention accidentally something about still having the rude song written down, and off she was.

Now knowing Nemis, she will already have attached herself to Gil-galad with a number of Elfy Lórien ropes, which meant she, and any other madmen intent on saving the High King, would be in the ReallyBigTent.

Or she could just follow the trail of unconscious slash writers.

Opting for the former (far too many unconscious slash writers), Joan made her way through the Yuck. There were no guards around what had to be Gil-galad's tent, but peeking inside, she gulped as she noticed the many Elves with sharp things standing puzzled around.

However, there were also a number of girls inside, all ogling either Gil-galad or Elrond (who was looking distinctly sweet sending terrified glances their way), which meant they were probably deadlier than the entire Last Alliance combined.

And, of course, there was the High King.

As Joan watched, dazzled by his Elven beauty, firm stature and the general ogle-able-ness of him, his hair turned from black to a light shiny blond. 'As only proper,' she thought, nodding to herself.

Just then, one of the girls inside let out a shriek. 'Nooo! His hair! Change it back!' And another yelped and quickly jumped in front of Elrond to block the Bad Hair Vibes. Joan, now completely confused, wandered into the tent and idly waved.

'Aw, you started without me!'

'Change his hair back!!!'

The assembling Elves looked at each other as Elrond contemplated passing out.

This was going to take a while.

~~~~~~~

'I'm cold,' Éomer complained.

Feanor rolled his eyes. 'Boy, do not give her any ideas.'

'But I'm cold. Could I have your cloak…fur…what is that thing anyway?'

The Elf looked distinctly smug. 'The pelt of a wild animal I have slain with my own hands.'

Eomer paled. 'Oh… well then… never mind…'

They were making their slow way across the camp, trying to ignore the looks just about everyone were giving them. Somewhere out there was the mysterious Nemis, and they dreaded thinking of what would happen if they couldn't find her, to their clothes if not their writer.

'I'm cold,' Éomer said again. 'It's a hobby of hers, giving her characters dreadful colds, is it not? I should have known, not even starting on the fact that we have not the slightest clue on what a 'Nemis' is, of course, and…'

'Be quiet,' Feanor snapped, looking up. 'Can you hear it?'

'Hear what? The beautiful music of me becoming a block of ice?'

'A blessed change, as blocks of ice are usually silent. But I mean the strange voice, coming nearer. Can you hear it?'

Frowning, Eomer strained to hear something unusual over the noises of the camp. At first he was unsuccessful, and was about to give up when suddenly he heard it, very clearly.

'Here, Elfy, Elfy, Elfy…'

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Part 13 (in which Autumn arrives, together with a chibi god of death and a katana, and Elrond seems to be getting to much wine)

Autumn

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Save Gil-galad? How can I resist!' Autumn whips out her keyboard and with a few strokes, is standing on a cliff overlooking the complete opposite of Teletubby village.

'Wow, that was-what the?!?!' She suddenly looks up to see a very adorable chibi god of death flying around her head.

'Hi! I'm Duo.' Autumn stares at him a second then furrows her brow.

'You don't exactly belong here, ya know.'

'I'm here to help you on your quest to save the King!'

'Oh, ok!' Knowing that this little bit of insanity makes no sense whatsoever, she begins marching off to find Gil-galad and the other UCMEC members, all the while holding the hilt of her katana which has absolutely no place in Middle-earth, but hey, a Last Alliance is no place for an unarmed girl.

Finally close to the largest tent visible, Autumn stops, looks behind her and then continues on a little faster as she sees a woman dragging five bound and gagged Elves away. Entering the tent, she smiles a very dopey smile when she sees a particular Vice Regent who takes a very long draught of his wine in response.

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Part 14 (in which Alena shamelessly plugs her story)

Alena

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'Here, Elfy, Elfy, Elfy…'

'Oh, great Eru…' Fëanor muttered, starting to back away.

Suddenly, a very rusty-looking sword appeared out of the shadows behind him, halting at his throat.

'What's this? And Elf-lord caught off his guard?' A feminine voice breathed seductively.

Very slowly and carefully, Fëanor turned his head around. The sword didn't seem sharp enough to actually kill him, but it might still be sharp enough to break the skin, and he did not want to risk infection or blood-poisoning from all that weird-smelling rust.

The holding the sword turned out to belong to a dark-haired female standing at the opening of a huge blue-and-silver tent, right behind him. Fëanor's face fell.

'Oh, it's you…'

'Hi there,' Alena smiled. 'Just the person for whom I was seeking! And Joan was just asking whether anyone has seen you. Come right in! And you too, Horse-boy!' she added, seeing the snicker on Eómer's face.

Reluctantly, Fëanor and Eómer followed her into the king's tent, where the other UCMEC members were gathered together with Gil-galad and Elrond. Joan gave a sigh of relief, the others rolled their eyes as one.

'Anyways, as I was saying, Feeny, I've been looking for you everywhere, 'cause I got a letter for you.' Alena pulled out a folded piece of paper from her pocket.

'Feeny?' Gil-galad asked incredulously, slowly turning red from trying not to laugh.

'Hey, that's what she calls him.'

'She… Oh, no…' Fëanor blanched. But Alena already unfolded the paper, and began to read aloud.

'My dear beloved Feeny,'

'How dare you push me around like that, you a$$&%#*? Who, in the name of all the Halls of Mandos, do you think you are?'

'Hey, give me that!' Fëanor bellowed, charging towards Alena. But she dodged aside nimbly, crumpled up the paper, and tossed it to Nemis in a perfect WNBA move.

Nemis uncrumpled the letter and continued to read aloud, while Feanor chased Alena around and around the tent.

'I chipped two nails smashing down that stupid door of yours! Not to mention totally messing up my hair and dress pushing through that idiotic mob! You may think Morgoth is bad, but let me tell you, mister, that you ain't seen NOTHING yet, once I catch up with you! I may have to wait until the end of Arda, but believe me, when the time comes, Dagor Dagorath will just be sideshow!'

'Your ever loving Nerdy.'

'P.S. Give my love to our boys, and tell them that they're going to GET SPANKED!'

'Nerdy?' Glorfindel snorted. Katy giggled.

'You know what they say, Angband hath no fury…' Elrond muttered.

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Part 15 What happens next (in which more characters appear)

Katy

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'You know,' smirks Alena, 'you're gonna have the rest of eternity to think about that and anticipate it Feeny…'

'Oh Valar…' Groans Fëanor, already (it seems) anticipating the fury that will be his wife on their next meeting.

Katy snorts.

'Serves you right, I read that fic. You really are one of the most arrogant censored characters I've ever read about.'

She brightens.

'But while we're at it, do you want me to get Maglor here? Then you can both anticipate it together… I can't wait to see the look on his face when he reads that letter…'

Taking out her left earring and ignoring Glorfindel's mutters in her other ear of 'Don't you think you've brought enough people with you?', Katy gives a loud sneeze and shouts in a heavy Russian accent:

'Oy! Singer-man!'

There is a pouf and when the bright light and smoke disappears, another Elf is standing in front of them all, holding a hissing, spitting, dirty creature in his hand.

'Maglor…' Fëanor gasps as his son drops the creature and draws his sword.

Katy, however, is not so enthused. 'WHAT THE censored DID YOU BRING GOLLUM HERE FOR?' She jabs a finger at Maglor's chest. 'I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.'

'He was trying to steal from your jewellery box.' Maglor replied, sword still at Gollum's neck. 'The gold locket if I recall correctly…'

'He'd better not.' Growls Katy, 'And if you looked in it…'

'And while we're here…' Nemis hands the letter to Maglor. 'This is from your mother.'

'Oh no…' Maglor drops the sword, releasing Gollum (who attaches himself to Katy's legs, muttering 'Precious'.

'I have only one thing to say to you. You had it coming.' Katy shrugs.

'NO! Anything but that! Please!' Maglor falls prostrate on the floor and starts sucking his thumb. 'Maggy's too old to get a spankie…'

'He was always the soft one…' Fëanor explains as the rest burst out laughing.

'And HOW old is he?' Questions Éomer.

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Part 16 Gil-galad/Feanor Round One (in which Nemis pulls rank)

Nemis

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As the laughing dies down, Nemis, with a raised eyebrow looks around the group of people now assembled in the tent.

'This is definitely Alternate Universe…'

With a pondering look she observes the chibi god of death (she isn't very knowledgeable with these kind of things, but the thing looks cute) and Gil-galad's new hair-colour, just as Elrond downs a new cup-fill of wine.

Then she looks from Éomer, who has observed all with some amusement (and seems happy to be in a warmer place), to the second son of Fëanor, who is lying on the floor, still relentlessly sucking his thumb.

Gil-galad, meanwhile, is looking from Maglor to Fëanor.

'Are they who I think they are?'

Nemis bites her lip.

'Casey would likely call them the Oath-boys.'

Casey nods emphatically, and grins.

'Though I might be able to make up something more original…'

Fëanor, meanwhile, turns to Gil-galad (who mysteriously has become dark-haired again).

'And what miserable excuse for an Elf is this? Do I recognise my half-brother Fingolfin in this…usurper?'

Tilting his head, Gil-galad suddenly becomes eerily quiet. Nemis has never seen him like this and is anxiously standing by for character development.

'How dare you?' Are the first words that cross the lips of Ereinion Gil-galad. His breath seems uneven, as if he is harbouring an anger that goes deeper than Fëanor's passion.

'Your House has always wanted lordship over mine, this is not news to you, is it?' Fëanor returns.

'By your deeds Morgoth's lies came to pass, you grew the seeds he had sown… If you had held your tongue, had held your composure, I would not have to be here now…'

'I have named Morgoth before you were even born…'

'Hello, you guys?' Casey waves at them from the table. 'Are you going to make me whip out my copy of the Silmarillion?'

Fëanor narrows his eyes at her.

'What do you know of the Silmarils?'

Casey grins.

'I know where they are.'

For a moment it looks like Fëanor is going to go after Casey now, but something (probably the blond-blue hair) makes him reconsider. He returns to Gil-galad, who now is definitely fuming.

'But which one of Fingolfin's illegitimates are you?'

Nemis, who saw this coming (she has a brother, remember?) places her hand on Gil-galad's chest, just in time from to prevent him from jumping his ancestor. Placing herself between the two Elves, she looks at Fëanor.

'Stop this right now, or I shall wash my hands of thee…' She gives Alena a glance, since the bad verse seems to have been contagious. '…and return you to Joan.'

Joan, meanwhile doesn't seem too enthusiastic about this.

Fëanor shrugs. Nemis continues, slowly realising she is a little close to her favourite High-king. Oh, well, better make the better of this.

'There is only one person in charge of the Noldor in Middle-earth here, and that's this guy,' Nemis pats Gil-galad's chest, momentarily admiring the muscled chest beneath the clothing, before retracting her hand. 'And at this moment, there is only one person that stands above him.'

Fëanor scowls, as Gil-galad starts beaming.

'And who might that be? Ilúvatar?'

Nemis grins.

'I was thinking 'me'…'

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