Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance
by (ucmec@hotmail.com)
Nemis (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)
Katy (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)
Casey (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)
Joan Milligan (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)
Kelsey (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: "Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas."
Alena (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)
Autumn (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)
Harle (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)
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Chapter 4 In which things get really messy…
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Part 17 (in which Kelsey realises her responsibility to UCMEC) (kinda anyway)
Kelsey
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The guard had returned and was sneaking wary looks at her from a few feet away. This however, could mean many things, perhaps he merely wanted to see where her workshop was, but, then again, perhaps he was becoming suspicious. This growing agitation coupled with the previously mentioned unsheathed sword led to her decision to join with the other UCMEC members. It was her duty, she rationalized, as an appreciator of attractive elves everywhere to save their high king, who as of right now had the life expectancy of a dare-devil mayfly. That, she decided, and not the fact that the acoustics of Mordor had allowed her to hear "religious sacrificing of Legolas" being discussed in the main tent was her motivation, although if they really wanted to discuss the latter, well she had some good ideas for that too.
Proud of herself for having made such a magnanimous decision she stood and dusted herself off and...cursed. Kelsey glared down at her five hostages? captives? Calaquendi odalisques? What to do with them? The landscape was bleak, no really good crevices she could wedge them in.
"What to do with you, my precious?"
"You could just let us go" suggested one, but with the gag still firmly in place it came out "Do bood fusslemme doe."
"No, no that wouldn't do at all," Kelsey mused, "I'm not chasing you again, no I have a better idea."
He had been standing there a good ten minutes and was no closer to discovering who she was. Sure he could go over there and ask her, in fact his job as a guard stipulated he do so, but he had always fancied himself more the secret agent elf (alas the FBEI had rejected his application three times hence his military position.)
Anyway, he decided, these were uncertain times and it was best not to question strange girls who suddenly landed in Mordor. He had briefly considered using the bear trap, but he figured if she had managed to chew her way out of it and come after him, she would most likely be very angry.
His ruminations were abruptly ended by a sharp poking.
Kelsey had been trying to get his attention for what seemed like hours but he had stood there stoically lost in thought, his silence punctuated only by the occasional "hmm." Only when her tapping had reached a furious pace had he turned around...and screamed. In the history of screams, there have been many that convey the truly brave and noble nature of the screamer, this was not one of them. The guard was shrieking like a little girl and showed no intentions of stopping.
"Um....right, I have to go find Nemis and try to help save your king, so if you could watch them" she motioned to her captives who were stiffling snorts of laughter at the guard's display "that would be great." She skipped off toward the main tent leaving alone one very relieved, though still visibly confused elven guard.
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Part 18 (in which there seems to be no time for plans) (or: what happens when two members post at once)
Collaboration of Casey and Joan
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"Don't. You. Move," Joan warns.
The fact that she does so while grabbing Fëanor's hair and attempts to pull him away from Nemis doesn't make the situation any less ridiculous.
Meanwhile, most members of UCMEC can see that Gil-galad's beaming is not only because of Nemis telling off Fëanor. As Nemis begins to severely blush, most of them get grins on their faces, all conscious of her feelings towards the High-king (or at least her version of him).
Glorfindel also seems extremely interested all of a sudden, but a warning look from Gil-galad seems to keep him at bay.
Fëanor meanwhile, is still struggling with Joan.
"This slip of a girl is NOT - " the overgrown Elf-lord growls, but nobody seems to listen. Some of the UCMECians are far more interested in writing up T-shirts reading "Nemis Ilúvatar" for the many Elven soldiers hanging around.
Gil-Galad's hair is still deciding what color it ought to be.
Casey, meanwhile, is studying Elrond, who is consuming large amounts of wine as all goes on around him. He looks at her.
'What?'
She raises her shoulders and grins. A drunken Elf-boy could be fun.
Nemis looks at Gil-galad and they exchange a nervous smile.
Casey begins fanning her face with one of the maps.
'Is it getting hot in here?'
Nemis gives her a glare, and Gil-galad folds his hands behind his back, locking his gaze on his boots, a smile playing around his lips.
Collecting a deep breath, Nemis looks at the others.
'I am... glad you could all make it, appendixes and all,' her eyes linger on Gollum, who seems to be ogling something she cannot see (since it is becoming kind of crowded, even in the ReallyBigTent), 'So I suppose we really have to start planning more concrete things for the coming day... Any suggestions?'
A storm of answers comes flying through the tent, all of them making
very little or no sense at all.
'... Get magnets and throw them at Sauron, all at once.'
'... Call Greenpeace about that fume coming from Orodruin.'
'... smear the cracks of Mount Doom with soap and make Ring-boy slip.'
'... Get Legolas here too, and then sacrifice him religiously.'
Nemis purses her lips as she raises a hand.
'It's the humour/parody thing, isn't it? Anything serious?'
No answer from anyone...
"Very well, then," Nemis muses to the UCMECians, "we're going to take turns making sure HE doesn't leave the tent..."
"Or you, for the matter," Alena adds, kicking at Gollum.
"... and that he and 'Feeny' don't kill each other when we're not looking."
"Who's gonna ever stop looking at either of them?" Casey wonders, giving Gil-Galad a disturbingly hungry look.
Nemis gives her a LOOK. "And someone get Maglor to stop... whatever it is he's doing."
Eómer shrugs and sits on the Elf, earning satisfied nods from all around, Fëanor included.
"Excuse me," Elrond chimes in suddenly, trying to ignore the gleam in the girls' eyes as they turn to look at him, "but it seems you have all forgotten, we have a war to run here. The High King is needed in the field."
"The High King is needed *alive!*" Casey yelps, but Joan frowns.
"He's right, you guys. Someone has to kick Evil-Fire-Breath-Guy's arse. I don't think Ele-"
Nemis cringes. "Don't!"
"Alright, then. Don't think Ringboy and company can do it alone."
"Which means we get to take over!" Katy answers merrily.
Joan looks at Nemis, who looks at Gil-Galad, who looks at Elrond, who promptly passes out.
Just then, great horns can be heard blowing in the distance. Everyone present and armed in the tent instinctively draws their swords as a panting silver-haired Elf bursts in, a bloodied dagger in his hand.
"My lord High King!" He breathes. "Orcs are upon us!"
Without a moment's wait, the Elven soldiers storm outside. Gil-Galad tries to yank his shield back from Gollum.
As one the UCMECians looks at Katy, she gulps.
"What was that about taking over?" Kelsey asked, entering the tent.
None of them seems willing to wrench Gollum from the shield, and he continues hissing 'precciousssss' from time to time. Gil-galad gives Katy a dark look.
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Part 19 (in which Kendo Classes seem more Interesting after being Dumped in Mud)
Lady Harlequin
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Lady Harlequin (though she prefers Harle) was walking down the street from the dojo, her naginata on her back and a song in her head. She had just whipped the asses of her so-called "rivals" in kendo class, and was ready to make the move to a higher level of training. What else could go wrong? When suddenly...
"YAAAAAIIIII!!!!!"
SPLAT!!!
Harle groaned from where she lay in the huge puddle of what in her vocabulary would be known as ick. "Ah BLEEP!" she yelled, startling more than a few Elven guards and alerting them to her position. And almost immediately, they came down on her, an interesting variety of weapons pointed at her throat and various other vulnerable body parts.
She gulped as she looked up at them - and nearly swooned. "Is it just me or do Elves look hot when mad?"
One of them - currently armed with a bow - said something to Harle that she couldn't understand, since it was in Elvish.
She sighed, and slowly got to her feet, wiping off as much mud and muck as her sorry state would allow, revealing her standing in a once-white robe-like shirt and loose black trousers. There was a metal thing on top of her shirt, and looked vaguely like a breastplate. "Look, if you're going to talk to me, you might as well NOT talk in Elvish and get on to Westron. You're wasting your breath if that's how you're going to deal with me."
The Elvish archer eyed her suspiciously, and slowly lowered his weapon. "Who are you, Lady? Are you a friend of the Lady Nemis?"
Harle shrugged. "Yeah." She looked at him closely. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, haughty stare... Hey, what's your name?"
The archer seemed stunned by the question, but answered her anyway. "Haldir."
Almost instantly, a HUGE grin appeared on Harle's face, and the way she smiled it made Haldir a little more wary of her. "Oh, Haldir eh?" With that, she started laughing to herself, the soft, evil laugh of a woman who knows something that others don't.
Sensing the discomfort and the growing suspicion of the Elf, Harle stifled her laughter, and straightened herself up. "Anyway, could you guys take me to wherever Nemis is? I need to have a little chat with her."
Haldir nodded, and was about to lead her to where Nemis was, but Harle remembered something. "Wait!" She looked back to the pool of ick where she had fallen, and managed to pluck out something from the goo. "Ah HAH, here it is!" She stood up what looked like a spear. She wiped the sludge of off it, and revealed a staff-like weapon with a strangely shaped blade at the top of it.
Haldir looked at it, half with curiosity, and half with wariness. "What is this?"
Harle shrugged. "My weapon. We call it a naginata. Something like a cross between a spear and a sword." She eyed him viciously. "And if you so much as TOUCH it without MY permission, I am going to kick your ass from here all the way to Orodruin."
Haldir nodded, though he didn't think this girl was that much of a threat. With that thought in mind, he led the strange young girl with the even stranger clothes and weapon to Gil-galad's tent.
"My Lords," Haldir said to announce his presence, "there is a certain Lady Harle here who wishes to speak with Lady Nemis..."
Nemis looked up, confused. "Harle?"
"Actually, I'm Lady Harlequin in full," Harle said as she stepped into the tent, dripping water and muck everywhere. "And I don't think you would know me cause I'm just a new member to UCMEC, but I think you'll be needing my services...or so I'd like to believe."
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Part 20 (in which we finally get some Plans) (or do we?)
Katy
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Katy gulps again. Then decides that action, and firm action at that, is needed.
"Gollum, off the shield or Smeagol's gonna get hurt...." She croons, ignoring the unidentifiable looks the rest of UCMEC are giving her.
"Preciousssss..." Hisses Gollum back.
"Ok, Maglor's got some fish paste. Go get him! That's it, good boy!"
Gollum detaches himself from the shield and Gil-galad promptly picks up his shield and rushes outside.
"WAIT!" Shouts Alena, "are we supposed to let him do that?"
"Nassssssty elf doesn't have fish paste." Gollum has returned to his position on Katy's leg.
Reaching into her pocket, Katy finds the Rolo foil she got given just before being sucked into Middle Earth and throws it at Gollum, who promptly detaches himself from her leg.
"What?" She protests "It was a whim of the moment thingy!"
"Take over meaning what?" Joan enquires, with the air of a rattlesnake regarding a gerbil.
"Control the battle using the power of the keyboard! Write in an invisible forcefield that has to keep Gil-galad and the fire guy at least 1 mile apart! Make the ring zoom away from ring-boy as soon as it's of fire-guy's finger! Make Gollum attach himself to ring boy! Join in the whole battle ourselves and kick serious ass! I dunno..." Katy panics, snapping her fingers wildly. "If we're gonna do anything we'd better do it quick too! Fire-guy's going to be coming out his tower soon..."
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Part 21 (in which UCMEC goes to battle…) (…but aren't we forgetting someone?)
Alena
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Alena feels terribly torn. On the one hand, there is the lovely Elrond Peredhil passed out on the floor. On the other hand, she didn't write in a sword for herself for nothing, and they are here to stop the lovely Ereinion Gil-galad from getting killed. After all, her duty as a good little Mary Sue demands that she go out there and kick some serious Fire-guy ass. She can always get Elrond drunk again later, with bad verses, perhaps.
Decisively, she pulls out her sword again and gives it a twirl, almost taking off Éomer's head in the process.
"My fellow UCMECians, into the fray! For we are all-powerful and surpassingly brave! We are the Valar and Ilúvatar is Nemis, let's show Ring-boy and Fire-guy who the real power is!"
Elrond, who just a moment ago lifted his head from the floor, passes out again at her shrieking.
Removing her hands from her ears, Nemis sends Alena a withering look.
"Okay, okay, all those in favor of getting out there, taking over the battle, and kicking ass, say Aye?"
"Only if I get to toss Ring-boy into the mountain!" Casey jumps up.
"Can someone please fill me in on how we are planning on doing that, precisely?" Joan demanded persistently.
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Part 22 (in which we discover what, or who, we forgot…)
Nemis
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Nemis gives a loud yell and every UCMECian seems to stop in their tracks. They watch the normally very peaceful Nemis getting red in the face.
'The Big Battle of the Last Alliance is not going to be happening in another two days!'
Everyone looks at her.
'What?'
Nemis sits down on chair and points down at Elrond.
'He's passed out, and I am sure you all remember him being hunky and swoonworthy in the movie...'
All nod and ease up.
'Good. Now we have that straightened out, lets get outside and watch good old Gil kick the censored out of those Orcs, shall we?'
Casey looks at the T-shirts Joan was selling to the Elvish soldiers (which have now all run off to battle).
'Hey Nem, I think I have an idea...'
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Part 23 (in which we have pom-poms, smurfs and the twilight zone…)
Casey
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As most members of UCMEC are leaving the tent, silver pompoms at the ready and dressed in blue outfits (with silver stars), it is Casey that stays a little behind.
With a grin she prods Elrond with her foot, hearing a soft moan, like someone who is half asleep and unwilling to wake up.
Standing over him, she turns him unto his back and watches the Halfelven's half-closed eyes slowly open.
There is a moment in Elrond's mind in which he does not yet realise who is watching down on him. The moment is a nice one, with butterflies and images of Celebrían and him doing stuff they will not be allowed to do until they are married... Boy, is he sorry when its over.
Because the next moment he is wide-eyes and up, but accidentally trips over twelve History of Middle-earth volumes which Nemis brought to give Katy. (the Last Alliance is perfect place to exchange stuff like that)
As he scurries over the floor (imagine bad horror-flick in which Mary-Sueish girl tries to get away from Bad Man Carrying Axe)(in this case, hunky, but drunk, Elf-lord who flees from Bad Girl Who Has Written Too Many Self-Insertion Fics With Him As The Object of Her Affection), Casey follows, laughing evilly.
'Aaw El, don't be like this... It's not like it's something you haven't done before...'
Meanwhile... Somewhere near the battlefield...
Nemis is leading her fellow members up a small hill, from where they can oversee the skirmish perfectly. All are silent, because she got kinda angry when one of them (mimicking a smurf) asked her:
'How much farther, Papa Smurf?' The person's luck had held, as she had not been able to distinguish who it had been.
Reaching the top of the hill, she excitedly points a pompom at Gil-galad, who looks very impressive and strapping (beefy, robust and sturdy also come to mind)(her mind), in his fighting attire.
They all wave at him (including Gollum, who, by the way is still attached to Katy's leg, and Autumn's chibi god of death), except Fëanor and Eómer, who seem extremely uncomfortable wearing skirts and handling pompoms.
(Strange, seen the fact Elves are comfortable wearing robes... What's the difference?)
twilight zone tune
Casey's voice: how do Elves get away with it, wearing those robes and still be so manly? Is it because they call them robes, instead of dresses (Purple? Anyone?)? And with that long hair, how many instances could there have been in the long, long years they have spent on Middle-earth, in which male Elves were mistaken for female Elves? In this episode... music is stopped with sound of a scratching record
A pom-pom hits Casey in the head (the Casey that is sitting behind the computer, not the one in the ReallyBigTent with Elrond), and she angrily looks at the Nemis who is standing on the little hill.
'What?'
'Does it look like I care about Elves in robes now? I wanna see Gil-galad do manly thingies. In armour.'
Casey prepares to click the send button on her email-on-site-thingy.
'Write it yourself. I'm going to bed.'
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Part 23 (in which we get a loooove bubble…)
Autumn
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Autumn looks around, slightly confused as to what's going on. She flips out her many printed pages of the fic and re-reads many portions as the other UCMECers watch Gil-galad doing manly things and drool. For a moment, she does the same but is quickly knocked to her senses by chibi duo and his wee scythe which he uses skillfully on
her head. Looking up, she sees his flying close to her head with his fists on his hips.
"Hello? We do have a High King to save, do we not?"
Everyone looks at chibi duo, even Nemis.
"So what're we gonna do?"
"Lets feed Gollum to the fire breath guy, give him indigestion."
Everyone stops to consider Alena's suggestion as Gollum looks around nervously.
"Wait!" Autumn looks to chibi duo who has gone and sat on Nemis' shoulder. "You could do the thing...with the...thing and..." She stops to ponder just what she is trying to say when chibi duo stands on Nemis' shoulder and pops a pink wad of something in his mouth. He soon blows it into a pink, see through bubble and whips it at Gil-galad who becomes trapped within it's confines. Many of the UCMECers eyes get wide and Nemis attempts to kill chibi duo.
"Let him out, let him out! I can't see him doing manly things now!"
Autumn snatches a very dazed chibi duo back.
"It's a loooove bubble."
"A loooove bubble?" Everyone asks simultaneously.
"It feeds of every puppy face, dove eyes and swooney look you guys throw at him. As long as there are people to ogle Gil-galad, he will be safe in the loooove bubble." Meanwhile, Gil-galad is trying to poke the loooove bubble with his spear but it shows no sign of breaking and actually strengthens as the UCMECers look back at him.
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Part 24 (in which we find out what is in Katy's bag…)
Katy
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The Loooove bubble seems to weaken a tiny bit as Katy turns away and begins to attempt getting Gollum off her legs. It's quite uncomfortable having a small slimy creature like that attatched to one of your essential limbs and it's about time he went and bugged someone else.
"Will you get off!" Katy hisses through clenched teeth "Or my legs will go green and fall off."
"Gollum wants a fisssssh or some sweet preciousssss." Her pet hisses back.
"Please, just get off or I'm sending you back home. And you'll get a bath!"
"Nasssssty elves with bright eyesesss." Gollum is remembering his last bath. He clings tighter to Katy's leg.
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Roars his owner. "WHERE'S MY BAG?!"
As if by magic, a large, old tattered rucksack in a particularly vile shade of puce appears. Grabbing it and unearthing a bottle of Kenco Rappor from inside it Gollum is shoved inside and the lid put on firmly.
"And that's why the Greenpeace plan won't work. I'll get done for cruelty to animals." Katy explains, waving the coffee jar around.
Gollum is now squashed against the glass and is amusing himself by making rude noises against the glass.