Nemis and UCMEC go Last Alliance

by (ucmec@hotmail.com)

Nemis (Royal Worshipper to Little Ereinion)

Katy (also Fiona Rayne, and Keeper of Gollum's Baby Teeth and The Archenemy of Pop-up Ads)

Casey (Slave to Any Elf-lord That Will Have Her)

Joan Milligan (Keeper of Melkor's Green Underwear and Legolas' True Haircolor)

Kelsey (inventor of the perfect description of this fic: 'Mary Sueish yet seductive fanfic authors portrayed by themselves. Un-effeminate and irresistible Eves portrayed by members of the Last Alliance. Of course sans Legolas.'

Alena (Psychopomp and Hierophantess of the Easterling Lodge of the Golden Shovel of Imladris)

Autumn (also ShinElrond, Creator of the Different Story)

Harle (also Lady Harlequin, Self-proclaimed Samurai in the Service of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond and UCMEC)

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Chapter 5 A Dark Side…?

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 25 (in Which the Samurai Gets What She Wishes For, Though the Rest will Want to Kill Her For It)

Lady Harlequin

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Harle was a little depressed when she noticed that her lord Gil-galad had been trapped in a looooove bubble. Just like Nemis, she had hoped to see him do "manly things", while not stuck in a protective bubble. A hint of a non-evil smile appeared on her face as she imagined what Gil-galad would look like in the middle of a heated battle…those sexy eyes of his flashing with the infamous Noldorin fire as he struck his opponents down…his pale face spattered with dark crimson blood…and the possibility of getting to wipe off all that gunk at the end of the fight…

She shook her head sharply. Nah can't do that. Nemis has claim to him already. But her wicked smile was back as she took a momentary glance at the line of archers. Though her lord Elrond was not there as of the moment (he was still in the Really Big Tent in a drunken stupor, while Casey is helping him to "recover"), she wasn't exactly looking for him. Her eye fell on a blonde-haired archer in the front ranks, and her evil smile widened as she thought of all the possibilities she had in store for Haldir…

Her eye swept over the battlefield again, watching the carnage swirl and surge around their little hill. Though she had donned the blue outfits with silver stars and had her own set of silver pompoms, she had kept her naginata with her. No sense going into the fray unarmed, she had told herself.

But now… Her fingers were itching. She desperately wanted to just drop the pompoms, take out her naginata, and just strode down the hill and cut a path for herself all the way to Orodruin. However, she couldn't do that unless she had permission from her fellow UCMEC members, and from her lords themselves. But Gil-galad was in a bubble, Elrond was drunk, and Nemis was determined not to let the fight start unless Elrond was back on his feet.

She sighed as she leaned on her weapon. C'mon, oh great and mighty Valar, give me a couple of Orcish troops! I can't be the Samurai of Lord Gil-galad, Lord Elrond, and UCMEC if you aren't gonna let me fight! I NEED to shed some Orc blood! I need violence! I need to kill! I need to FIGHT!!

Harle blinked, remembering what Alena said. Wait; didn't she mention something about us being the Valar and Nemis Ilúvatar? So if I'm a Vala, and I wish for a couple of Orcish troops, then…

RAUGH!!

Harle whirled around, just as her fellow UCMECians did, and was greeted by the sight of several large, slavering, ugly, pockmarked, hunchbacked, bug-eyed, stinky, dirty Orcs. All of them armed to the teeth.

Harle smiled evilly (she does that a little TOO often, doesn't she?), and her eyes gleamed red all of a sudden. She unstrapped her naginata from her back, and took her position. "It's party time!"

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 26 (in which we get what we always wanted)

Katy

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Gil-galad, once finally free of the love bubble (because Nemis made Chibi Duo God of Death let him go as she wanted to see more manly action) has gone back to doing just that. UCMEC (apart from Fëanor and Éomer, who are -surprisingly enough- arguing again) all ooohh and ahhhh while watching him, completely ignoring Gollum's cries of 'Preciousssss' and Casey running up to join them.

They do however notice Elrond storming up a moment later with a face like thunder. He ignores them and approaches Gil-galad on the battle field. From where they stand they can hear shouting and indignation from where they stand.

'What's up with El?' Asks Nemis, still ogling Gil-galad.

'Well...' Casey starts.

'Well what?' Demands Alena, 'He doesn't look too happy with any of us.'

Joan strains her ears to hear the conversation between the High King and his Regent. 'He said seduce'

The rest of UCMEC turns, trying not to fall over numerous smut writers who have also crept up to watch the battle, and glares at Casey.

'Were you trying to do what I think you were?' Enquires Alena sweetly.

They are suddenly interrupted by Katy (who has been disappearing into the nasty puce bag, which it seems is bottomless). 'OHHHHHHHHHHH! ' She squeals emerging with two figures in her hands 'Action figures! and they're alive!' The two tiny figures struggle to get free but are held fast. 'There's a little Ereinion one…just like I wanted!'

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 27 (in which we get one more guest…) (or: as if we do not have enough characters)

Alena

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

'Awww...they're so adorable!'

'Oh, aren't you the cutest ittle bittle itty bitty Elfy-wiffy?'

'Let me hold little Ronders! I wanna play with him!'

Immediately, all of the UCMEC members are distracted, crowding around Katy. The two miniature Elves wriggle in her hands, desperately trying to get away from the vast faces of the women looming above them.

'How come there isn't a, what do you call it, 'action figure' of me?' Fëanor grunts, 'When I am soooooo much fairer, mightier, nobler, and just plain cooler than those two?'

'You forgot sooooo much weirder, loonier, vainer, and just plain creepier, if you want some kind of Mini-me of you running around...' Éomer retorts.

Her treacherous deeds now completely forgotten, Casey smiles in triumphant. 'Great timing of Katy to pull them out just now!  It's good that I bribed her with a promise to share El with her and only her...'

Across the battlefield, the real Gil-galad and the real Elrond exchanged a glance.

'Now what?' Gil-galad wonders.

'Do you really want to know?' asks his Vice-regent.

'No.'

'Ah...my two favorite Elves. Together. I see possibilities. Definite possibilities.' A strangely familiar voice behind them drawls.

Gil-galad and Elrond spin around at the same time.

The newcomer is a dead-ringer for Nemis, except for the dark smile playing about her lips.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 28 (in which Nemis is not to glad to see her nemesis)

Nemis

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

On top of the hill, as if something strangely draws her to it, Nemis tears away her eyes from the little Ereinion Action figure, scanning the plain before her. There, she sees that the orcs have retreated, if only for the day (or two).

But there, also, something more dangerous seems to have replaced them.

Her breath becomes uneven, her eyes grow large.

'No, this cannot be happening...'

The others look at her.

'What?'

Nemis points at the character standing near Gil-galad and Elrond, unable to utter a word.

Casey swallows.

'This is bad...'

Katy nods.

'Really, really bad.'

Alena catches Nemis's arm.

'How did it get here?' (like she doesn't know)

Joan also seems to understand what has just happened. Autumn and Kelsey look on in silence. Only Harle seems unaware of the seriousness of the situation.

'What? Who's that?'

Nemis seems to be going into some kind of shock situation, slightly rocking on her feet.

'I warned people of this... I thought she had been buried deep down in the cracks of Mount Doom...'

Harle narrows her brow.

'Who?'

Alena whispers, and only her voice and the wind plaguing the plain can be heard.

'Dark Nemis...'

Meanwhile, down on the plain, Gil-galad and Elrond also seem to understand the gravity of the situation. Gil-galad tilts his head.

'I had forgotten about you...'

The Dark One smiles, her eyes observing, a thousand secrets lying behind them. Terrible things... Terrifying things...

'Did you, now? Perhaps your frail little Elvish minds were simply not able to fathom me... You simply repressed it all...'

From the hill, a cry can be heard, and Nemis seems to be making her way down the muddy hill (rather sliding), the other members of UCMEC following.

Elrond looks at the Dark One.

'How can this be? Are you twins? Relations of some other sort?'

The Dark One utters an evil, deep, throaty laugh.

'It would be convenient to think it so... But we are one, merely two sides of the same person... Being hidden for most of the time, the moments when I do come forward are to be feared. For my power is equal, if not beyond that of my other half...

Nemis arrives and while still running, throws her entire bodyweight against that of the Dark One. Together they plummet to the ground.

'You...' Nemis screams, as she punches her alter-ego, '...were not...' she catches the collar of the other's coat and thumbs her into the yuck again, '...supposed to be here.'

The Dark One simply pushes her off and rises.

'Such wishful thinking... Where you are, I am too... Do you not know that?'

Nemis looks at Gil-galad and Elrond.

'I am so sorry about this...'

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 29 (in which Dark Nemis goes out to play)

Katy

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

The rest of UCMEC glare (as if to try and make the nasty alter ego of Nemis go away -or at least dissolve into a puddle of yuck) at the Dark Nemis, who stands in front of them grinning evilly and looking generally dodgy, nasty and many other negative sounding words that I can't be bothered to write.

Casey and the Real Nemis are trying to subtly shield the objects of their affection (Elrond and Gil-galad) from the malevolent and lecherous Dark Nemis will probably be giving them when she's finished giving triumphant evil looks at the UCMEC members.

"First of all," Dark Nemis breathes "I want them." She points at all the Elf Lords UCMEC just happen to be 'interested' in. "And I want Gothaur's ring. And you all know that I am powerful enough to have it and to rule it."

Joan clears her throat suddenly, having just realised something. "If you're Dark Nemis then you must be all of what she isn't."

"That's right." The Dark One smiles an evil smile again.

"Meaning that if we're on the Last Alliance's side then you must be on Fire-Guy's side..."

"Correct..."

"...which means that even though you might be more powerful than Nemis, you're still outnumbered by...oh...all of these guys, now your orc friends have gone to kiss Fire Guy's ass." She gestures at the large number of Elven soldiers now surrounding them, while smiling smugly and almost as evilly as Dark Nemis.

The smile disappears from the Dark Nemis' face for a fraction of a second, then it is replaced by one perhaps even more devious.

"Then for the moment I'll take this..." She snaps her fingers and the paracetemol, Alena's sword, Joan's written evidence proving the hair colour of a certain elf, Casey's remaining pom-pom, Kelsey's spare gag (for any other Elven soldiers she might catch), Nemis' warm coat, Harle's left shoe and the Coffee Jar containing Gollum all

disappear and reappear moments later, floating in the air above Dark Nemis.

There are curses, exclamations and 'no!' thrown through the air at Dark Nemis by the UCMEC Valar and Elrond (the painkillers-remember?), but none seem to affect her. Not in the slightest.

"You can have these too!" A voice from the top of the hill cries.

Fëanor's voice. One large puce bag comes propelled through the air, a bag that just happens to contain certain action figures.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" Cries Katy, diving to catch it in rugby player style, covering herself in the yuck and sheets of slash fics left behind by the departed yaoi writers in the process.

Dark Nemis gives a very evil cackle as the bag flies away from Katy's outstretched arms and into her own. The laughter keeps on for a while afterwards. "Well well well, what have we here? An Elrond...and Ereinion..." She laughs "I'll take this with me too..."

At that moment, Chibi God of Death starts hammering her on the head with his Ickle scythe, distracting the Dark One enough for Katy to snatch the puce bag from her arms, hugging it very tightly.

"You can have this one!" She yells, throwing a miniature pair of legs and torso at the Dark one, hitting her straight in the eye.

"You shall pay for that!!!" Dark Nemis hisses, pointing at Chibi Duo and Katy "This is not the last you will see of me weaklings!" She then disappears in a puff of foul smelling black smoke.

Katy turns and shrugs at the rest "It was only the mini Legolas she got in her eye...remember...I disembowelled him last night.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Part 30 (in which Casey is trying to get some answers from Glorfindel)

Nemis

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Nemis nods (she's heard all about Katy's torturing of the Legolas Action figure, and has discovered you can do interesting things with microwaves). Then she shivers and looks at Gil-galad.

'Can we go back to the ReallyBigTent?'

Silently the High-king nods, looking at Elrond and the others.

'I suppose this is a good time to clean up and have something to eat.'

Soothingly he puts his hand on Nemis's shoulder, since she looks really depressed and worn out.

As the group wanders back to the tent, the rest of UCMEC walk a little behind.

Casey looks at Alena.

'I think this is where our 'plans' are going to run out of hand…' (like we had a plan) She muses.

Alena nods and looks at Katy, Autumn and Kelsey, while Joan is chasing Fëanor, and Harle is checking some Orcs to see if they really are dead (which they are).

'As long as we were in charge, this was fine, but now that Dark Nemis is here too, things might get a bit tricky.'

'Well, as long as we can protect Gil-galad…'

'…and Elrond…' Autumn interjects.

'…we should be fine.' Katy finishes.

Casey doesn't seem so sure.

'Well, Evil-fire-breath guy was pretty censored off with good old Gil and our El, you know, after that stunt they pulled after the fall of Eregion. One of his main objectives is probably kicking the censored out of them.'

Fëanor comes running by and slows down as he reaches Casey.

'You said you knew where the Silmarils are? Tell me?'

Casey grins evilly.

'What's in it for me?'

Fëanor's face clouds over.

'What do you mean?'

'On second thought, never mind, I wouldn't want the wrath of Nerdanel over me… Are you sure you want to know?'

Fëanor nods emphatically. Casey goes into an uncontrollable fit of laughter before she recovers immediately and looks at Fëanor very seriously.

'Your boy Maedhros tossed himself and his Silmaril into some volcano thingy, and the little thumb sucker back in the tent chucked his into the sea… I'll show you where the other one is, tonight…'

Entering the tent, they all see the maps have been cleared and food has magically appeared on the long table (as if li'l magic elfies have brought it in as the battle was going on) (random thought: shouldn't those elfies have been fighting?)

Gil-galad goes to change into something that isn't covered in orc-blood (it somehow isn't that sexy when your eating, I wonder why?) and Elrond has disappeared to his own tent to do the same.

Glorfindel is the first to join the UCMECians (who have all miraculously lost any trace of mud, blood or other aesthetically unpleasing markings).

Casey whistles and points at a spot between her and Katy. Katy gives her a glare (there's still that Fozzie Bear thing that needs clearing up), but Casey gives her a comforting wink.

'Hey, Glor, let's say, if in a couple of millennia, like, a while after a certain perenniath who has previously been in search for gold, comes to Imladris to live there, and Arwen asks you something about borrowing your horse, could you be a dear and say *no*?'

Glorfindel looks at her strangely.

'Why would she ask that of me, my Lady? There are enough horses in the stables of Imladris… But who is Arwen?'

Casey frowns.

'I forgot about that… Hmm…' She collects a pocket edition of Fellowship of the Ring from somewhere, and starts flipping through it. '…a lady fair to look upon, and so like was she in form of womanhood to Elrond that… uhm someone…guessed that she was one of his close kindred. Young she was and yet not so. The braids of her dark hair were touched by no frost, her white arms and clear face were flawless and smooth, and the light of stars was in her bright eyes, grey as a cloudless night; yet queenly she looked, and thought and knowledge were in her glance, as of one who has known many things that the years bring.'

Now it's Glorfindel's turn to frown.

'That's not much to go by.'

'Hey, but didn't you know Lúthien?' Casey questions, collecting the Silmarillion from somewhere too. 'She's supposed to look like Lúthien… And could you please tell me about this whole two Glorfindels business, while you're at it? That would really clear things up.'

At this moment, Elrond enters (looking to thud for) and sits down next to Joan (who seems to be safe, or *safer*, than the others) at the end of the table. He looks at Nemis, who is sitting across from him.

'Are you well, my Lady?'

At this moment, not even Elrond being nice and courteous can cheer Nemis up, but she manages a weak smile.

'I'm fine.'

Then Gil-galad enters, dressed in robes (not a dress) and sits at the head of the table, Nemis at his right hand, Elrond at his left.

With a nod he motions everyone to start eating, and they do.

Casey takes a bite from some meat and looks at Glorfindel.

'Do you suppose you can eat Orcs?'

Glorfindel gives her an evil smile.

'What do you think that is?'

Casey spits the piece of meat over the table and hits Glorfindel over the head with the Silmarillion (she would have used the bound version of Lord of the Rings, but she didn't bring it).

Protecting his head Glorfindel cries out.

'I was joking, it's not Orc.'

Gil-galad gives the both of them a warning look.

'If you cannot behave, I'd rather you leave.'

Glorfindel turns pale and returns to his plate. No way is he going to risk his place in this fic, since he probably wasn't at the Last Alliance to begin with, and he needs to get enough page-miles (which you get for each page of fic you appear on) to pay for the lavish amounts of hair-conditioner he uses. (now you know why Legolas's hair is so shiny)

Not eating himself, Gil-galad looks at Nemis.

'Is it you worry about this dark side?'

Nemis nods, resting her chin on her hand and sighs.

'I suppose if I leave, so would Dark Nemis.'

Casey shakes her head.

'No, you don't, first, she would probably not leave with you, since she didn't exactly *come* with you… And second: you can't be leaving now!'

Gil-galad nods, and lowers his voice.

'A word with you in private, Lady? After dinner?'

Nemis nods and catches a wink from Casey.

*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^*~^

Hmm… where are the reviewers?

It's not as if we're going to stop of no one reviews…