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Chapter 9 Arrivals and R&R before the Battle (no! not Read and Review!)

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Part 50 (in which the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society checks up on the

Last Alliance)

Jen

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A squeal interrupts the temporary quiet on the far side of the Last Alliance's camp, and is soon followed by an impressive splash and a couple of rather choice words. A moment later, a lean form lifts itself from the mud. 

The plastered features of the creature twist in disgust. "Ew..."  The creature snaps it's fingers, and due to the graces of authoress magic, becomes quite clean.

Near the edge of the camp, there now stands yet another UCMEC member. This one is clad in a set of black breeches, short black paddock boots and a conservative but close-fitting burgundy tank top. She has a pair of black half-chaps slung over one shoulder, and a bridle looped over the other. Her brown hair is swept back in a braid at the nape of her neck.

With an unholy grin on her face, the woman surveys the landscape and chuckles. "This is going to be fun." She pauses for a minute to pull her half-chaps on, then straightens and heads for the first elf in sight.

"Hi!" she says brightly. "I'm Jen ChaCha, and I'm here on behalf of the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society, or MEEPS!  I'd just like to check up on the horses you've brought to this war, make sure they're in good condition.  Procedure, you know." She shifts her weight seductively onto one leg and bats her dark lashes at the elf.

"Erm...sure..." he answers her. Jen ChaCha's presence has apparently robbed him of any Elven eloquence.  She smiles and resists the urge to cackle again.

The Multi-Language Translator she stole from Mary Sue is working perfectly.

Politely, the elf leads Jen towards a small group of horses.  "These are the horses my family brought," he says dully.

"I'll just be a moment." Jen walks to the horses, looks them over briefly, then returns to the elf, a piece of paper in hand. "Thank you. Now, if you could just sign this to verify that the horses have been checked..."

The elf obediently places his signature on the form. Jen folds it up and tucks it into some pocket that doesn't actually exist. She tries to hold back a triumphant smile, but fails. "Thank you. Back to work!" she states enthusiastically, with a grateful nod at the bewildered elf. She sucks in a deep breath, then whistles a single, shrill tone. The elf winces and returns to whatever he was doing before Jen ChaCha interrupted him on behalf of MEEPS.

Five minutes later, an exasperated Jen ChaCha is still waiting, tapping her foot against a tiny patch of dry ground.  A dark bay horse finally ambles into view, stopping every few feet to sniff something and not looking particularly enthusiastic. Jen whistles again, but the horse only glances at her. With an exasperated sigh, Jen snaps her fingers, and a big red apple appears in her hand.

"Let's go, Coup!" she calls to the horse. He glances at her again, and immediately perks up. An apple is worth trotting for!

Once Coup has done a thorough job of slobbering apple all over Jen, she slips his bridle on. "Time to track down more elves," she whispers conspiratorially in the horse's ear. He flicks it back as if to say, "Think they'll have apples?"

Jen gathers her horse's reins and swings herself up. She promptly lands on her posterior in the mud.  "Dang it!  I knew I forgot to add the authoress magic to something." Again, she snaps her fingers, and again, she goes to mount. With the authoress magic working properly this time, she manages to swing astride her 16.2 hand horse without any difficulty. Jen grins triumphantly and signals Coup to trot out.

Thanks to the joys of fanfiction, Jen ChaCha has a wonderful bareback ride on her horse through a camp full of elves. Normally, Coup performs with a policy of, "No fencee, no stopee," but in Middle-earth, he's a perfect gentleman. Some elves stop to stare at Jen and Coup as they pass, having never seen a Thoroughbred or a woman in twenty-percent spandex breeches.

After only twenty minutes, Jen manages to gather quite a few Elven signatures on quite a few white papers.  Miraculously, all of these forms are tucked safely away somewhere within easy reach, despite the fact that Jen has no pockets and carries no luggage. Along the way, Jen picks up three little lost Legolas clones. Two are mounted on Arod clones, but one has somehow found his way onto a ridiculously perfect rendition of Shadowfax.  Jen stands out starkly against all the other riders in the area though, being on a bay horse--a rarity in Middle-earth it would seem.

Soon, the group nears the Really Big Tent housing the UCMECians and their favorite Middle-earthers. Jen slides off of her horse and hands the reins to one of the obedient Arod-borne Legolas clones. Grinning, and with yet another paper clutched in her hands, she heads towards the shelter. She must find Glorfindel. She has no intentions of stealing the elf from anyone else, but there's a little matter she'd like to settle with him herself.

Unfortunately for Jen, a regiment of slash authors suddenly pops up with Thranduil in tow, intent on pairing him up with the first other royal elf they can find.

"NOOOOO!!!" Jen screams before tucking the paper away and diving for the elf.

She catches him by the wrist to drag him out of their clutches. The slash authors claw at her, wanting their elf back, but she clings to Thranduil like a two-year-old babe to its mother.

"He's mine, you heathens!" Jen protests, clawing back. Considering the length of her nails, the damage she does is pretty impressive.

Moments later, the Legolas clones arrive, creating a protective shield around their fangirl.  Just as one of the clones is about to fall into the slash writers' clutches to be dragged off as a replacement for Thranduil (if you can't have the father, you might as well take the son), the Shadowfax double whips out an impressive demonstration of why the cavalry is such a deadly invention. More than a few slash writers are left witless in the mud after a close encounter with the great horse's hooves.

"I believe it time we were gone!" Thranduil growls, wrapping on arm around Jen's waist and throwing her roughly onto Coup's back before vaulting up behind her.

When the entire entourage, including Thranduil, is safe on horseback, they plow through the unwanted writers towards the UCMECians.  On the way, Jen whips about a white paper and hands it to Thranduil. 

"Sign this, please," she tells him, taking the reins of her horse back, "and get your own mount. Don't you know it's not good for a horse's back to ride double?"

Thranduil glares at her back but relinquishes control of Coup. Suddenly, yet another grey elf-horse appears out of nowhere, and Thranduil slides easily onto its back. Just how he does this when both Coup and the elf horse are cantering, Jen can't really figure out. She stops trying as she sees Thranduil disdainfully stuff her white paper into a pouch at his belt… 

Disappointed, she mutters a half-hearted curse and levels an evil glare at the elven lord.

"I am King Thranduil," he says tersely, his eyes directed straight ahead. 

"What is a woman of your," he eyes her with something approaching disgust, "upbringing doing here?"  Apparently, he's taken the fact that Jen is wearing pants to mean that she is also rather loose.  Considering that she is extremely proper in her real world, Jen is understandably offended.  She shrugs it off.  Gaining Thranduil's respect will just make things that much more entertaining.

"Jen ChaCha, with the Middle-earth Equine Protection Society, better known as MEEPS!" she informs the king of Mirkwood. "I'm headed that way." She points at the Really Big Tent, now barred from them by a new group of slash authors. "Want to come along? You get to squish evil things."

Thranduil looks at her strangely for a moment, then shakes his head and smiles. Apparently, the prospect of squishing evil things appeals to him. 

Together, he and Jen shorten their reins and shift their seats forward and off their horses' backs.  With an evil glint in her eyes, the UCMECian cries, "Charge!" Her clones and Thranduil at her side, Jen proceeds to ride down the evil forces.

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Part 51 (in which Autumn tries to find her own Elf-lord and UCMEC tries to come up with a plan (still))

Autumn

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Autumn admires her new katana gratefully given to her by Joan as everyone else decides what it is they want to use for a weapon.

Celeborn, holding his bow tightly, looks around at the group: A samurai bent upon kicking ass with a katana, a woman with a grenade launcher upon her shoulder, a very drunken future son in law, a King intoxicated by the love of  Ilúvatar...apparently, herself, the captain of his guard doing much the same with another female, a tiny human with bat wings and a little scythe flying around and...and another female latched on to his arm that was not holding the bow.

"Pardon me, but who are you?"

Autumn looks up, very doe eyed at the elf Lord.

"Well, my plan to save Elrond had two purposes. One, to get him back because there's just no point in living without Elrond (what the Mandos would I do without him to write fics about?) plus, I get to have you as MY elf to ogle seeing as everyone else has one." She looks around at Haldir, Erestor, Glorfindel, Gil-galad, Maglor...the list goes on...

"Ah, but you see, I was fighting when-." Autumn rolls her eyes.

"Ya, ya, ya, I know, save middle-earth blah blah blah. Don't you see? You can help protect your king here to, so really, me reasons were three fold."

Celeborn looks alarmed as Autumn reaches up and runs a hand along his bi-cep. "Plus, you're really...really muscled." Autumn just kinda trails off as she sighs.

"I am wed to the lady of the Golden wood, we have a child together."

Autumn pouts.

"I know and it's not fair, the only other really good looking, manly....muscled," she drifts off for a moment but then quickly snaps back, "elves that aren't married are already taken so I've decided that for the remainder of this journey/war, you and the drunken elfy are mine to ogle at my leisure so long as I keep your arses from being scathed. So I am officially bound to you until this is all over and no one shall keep me from they service!" Everyone in the really big tent stares at her like she's nuts. "Ahem, but that's not the point, except that it is and their mine!" Autumn is laid back on track by a bonk to her head from chibi duo's scythe. "But it's not the point. We need to get our elves in a row and go and kick the crap out of Dark Nemis because she's got wee Ereinion."

Nemis' ears perk up at the mention of the name and her leader-ly authority takes over.

"Alright fellow UCMECians, we need...a plan..." Everyone's a little dumb struck as to how they're going to defeat the one who's power matches their leaders. Gil-galad perks up as an idea hits him.

"Why do we not march to Orodruin disguised as some of those...those clones and hit her with the element of surprise?" The UCMECians look a little nervous about that plan as they know that wherever Dark Nemis is, so then is evil fire breath guy. They do not know that....

...Meanwhile, going forth from the mountain, Dark Nemis is coming for Elrond and possible even a few other elves.....

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Part 52 (in which we almost get a crossover and the additional member joining)

Neon Star

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Seemingly to mess things up a little more, a bright ball of fire appeared a little way from camp, and was extinguished in the muck.

"Okay, this isn't good!" the figure who appeared out of the flame exclaimed as she pulled herself out of the mud.

She frowned as she shook the muck from her lightsaber and tried to ignite it, only to find that mud and electronics do not mix.

"Well, if LOX isn't here, I won't need it..." she says, snapping her fingers and dropping the lightsaber into some pocket of space outside the realm.

Looking around, she finally understands where she is, (Since she is a bit of a blond).

"Yes! Right out of battle, right into ME! And especially right into the Alliance! Now.... If Elrond is around... then just guess who else will be around...." she trails off with a wicked grin.

Snapping her fingers a second time, she replaced her gray, mud covered robs with a pair of jeans and a tight T-shirt, decorated with a star to emphasize her name.

"Elf hunting is going to be interesting..." she says and starts off to camp.

"Not another one," a groaned an Elf guard. (Are there any left or were there anymore left after all this? ;))

"Oh, guess the others got here. Well, Neon Star is about to join the party," she said, blows a little kiss to the guard, (Can't stand those elves, can she? ;)) and walks calmly in to camp.

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Part 53 (in which we are shown the power of the fanfic author once again)

Kalurien

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They continued eating, shoveling food into their mouths like there was no tomorrow. This absorbed their attention to the degree that they did not hear the knocking at the flap of the ReallyBigTent, which is not surprising because on a tent knocking sounds like swish . . .swish . . .swish.
Suddenly, someone outside said "#$&*#." They did hear that. Before anyone could move, the tent flap opened and a new comer stood on the threshold.
"Who are you?" Several UCMEC members asked, simultaneously. "You have to be a UCMEC member to be in this story."
"My name is Kalurien and I am a member," the newbie returned. "You needn't fear, I got my e-mail confirmation and everything. I even read the first part of this story."
Kalurien looked around. "I hear you are selling Elf Lords on this list," she said. She pointed at Glorfindel. "I'll take that one. He comes with a horse, right?"
She pulled out her deck of LOTR trading cards. "I'll give you a 'nine walkers' and two 'pathfinders' for him, whad-da-ya say?"
Nemis looked at her with suspicion. "Wait just a minute," she said. "You can't join UCMEC just to waltz in here and take our Elf Lords. We need them for the battle. Besides," she continued, her eyes narrowing. "Don't I know you from another list? You look very familiar."
"Indeed, no," Kalurien said quickly. "I think women who drool over sentient computer programs are a little pervy, myself. Nothing like some good old-fashioned elf-lust." She cleared her throat. "Now, then, back to business."
"You can't have him, he's mine," said Katy. "He's not yours, he's mine,"said Casey. They looked at each other.
"Well," said Kalurien, "since you don't seem to mind passing him around, I don't see why I can't borrow him for the evening." She blinked her blue eyes pleadingly. "Pretty please?"
"I guess it's OK," said Nemis, grudgingly. "But I want him back, whole and unspoiled."
Kalurien looked at her, wide-eyed, a picture of innocence. "Would I ever do anything bad to a character you liked?" She asked, trying hard to avoid Gil-galad's eye.
Nemis snorted. Kalurien quickly clipped a leash onto Glorfindel's collar. "Heel," she said.
Glorfindel looked bewildered.
"Come on, we're going for a walk," Kalurien said. Glorfindel looked around at the other Elf Lords, who suddenly had renewed appetites. Kalurien pulled him out of the ReallyBigTent.
On their way down the road, they tripped over an unconscious slash writer, half hidden in the rubble.
The slash writer stirred into full wakefulness, spied Glorfindel and with a cry of great delight, sat on him, writing furiously.
"Not again," whimpered Glorfindel, pitifully. "Why is it always me?"
Kalurien turned back to look at them and sighed. She tried pulling the leash. Glorfindel made small choking noises. She walked back to them and looked over the shoulder of the slash writer.
"Oh, please," she snorted. "How cliched can you get?"
"How bad is it?" Sniffled Glorfindel.
Kalurien shook her head. "You don't want to know, trust me," she said.
The slash writer began to chuckle with glee, all the time, drooling lustfully into her laptop.
Glorfindel was starting to get desperate. "Help me," he whimpered, his big blue eyes pleading.
Kalurien looked at him. "Well, you are very pretty," she said.
"I'm an elf," he said. "I am supposed to be beautiful."
"There are plenty of male elves around here that manage to be drop dead gorgeous in a more masculine kind of way," she pointed out.
"Please," whispered Glorfindel, "I'll do anything."
Kalurien picked up some mud and wiped it on his face. Another handful went into his hair.
"Ooh," she said, wrinkling her nose. "Sorry, I guess that's not mud, after all."
The slash writer started to choke. She looked at Glorfindel. "Eyewww," she said, getting off of him.
Kalurien pulled Glorfindel to his feet and they started running. She quickly wrote her own tent into the story and they ducked inside. They paused, panting heavily, but there was no sign of pursuit.
Kalurien looked at the dung-covered elf with an expression of distaste. She quickly rewrote the end of the scene, substituting Elrond.
I like being a writer, she thought as she looked into the Elf Lord's deep, grey eyes.

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Part 54 (in which Autumn temporarily takes the title of Romancy Valar)

Autumn

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Autumn whips out her keyboard and writes Elrond back into the presence of the rest of the UCMEC.

"Oh, no you don't." She whispers. Kalurien is sad to see her dung covered elf back in her tent but squeals gleefully when she sees a large wooden basin(big enough for two if the occasion calls for it) filled with soapy water appears. She looks back to see Glorfindel completely naked and holding his hand in front of the more interesting aspects of his self.

"Alright, elfie, into the tub, lets scrub you off." Kalurien says to Glorfindel with an evil glint in her eye a she picks up a wash cloth.

The rest of the UCMEC sigh in relief as they see Elrond pop back into the tent.

Nemis thinks about what exactly Autumn has done and gets a bad little idea as she turns to Gil-galad. "I know we kinda usurped your tent but...do you have another little one around here?" Gil raises a brow wondering if what just popped into his mind was in hers.

"I do, my Lady." Nemis takes him by the hand as he leads them from the really big tent. The rest of the UCMEC sigh.

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Harle looks at Haldir who looks very uncertain and even a little afraid. "Hey, what's wrong?" Haldir looks at her with worry.

"This is the largest battle I will ever have fought in. What will happen when I find myself stunned by it, or I cannot protect my Lord?" Harle gives him a sympathetic look as she grasps his hand.

"Stick by me, you'd be surprised how fun it is to fight with me by your side." Haldir smiles as Harle grins. He squeezes her hand and Harle's smile fades as her face becomes slightly red and she has a hard time swallowing.

"I shall...'stick by you'...for as long as the battle shall last but...I ask only one thing now." Harle has a hard time answering.

"What?" Haldir rises, drawing her up with him, and begins to lead her from the really big tent.

"Come for a walk with me." Harle smiles and is led wilfully.

"As long as you promise to run at the sight of slash writers." Haldir brings his other hand to his breast.

"I give you my word." The UCMECians sigh again.

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Joan finishes sighing and turns to find Fëanor staring at her in the most peculiar manner. She blushes but forces it away as she asks, " What?"

"Nothing, nothing at all."

Joan cocks a brow at him.

"Right, the last time I saw you staring at something like that, it was a Silmaril."

He smiles and cast his gaze from hers.

"If I could capture your beauty in a jewel than I would prize it above even the Silmarils."

Joan raises her brows.

"Eh?"

"Come with me, my Lady, wherever our paths go, let them go together."

Joan backs away slightly.

"Don't tempt me cause I might just. Besides, I gotta stay here and save Gil-galad."

Fëanor looks very angry as he grips the hilt of his sword.

"Does he harbor feeling for you? You for him?"

"What? No!...well may-,no, he's Nemis'. I just don't think I can be tied to you like that."

Fëanor looks sad but Joan, being the sucker for him that she is places a hand on his nicely formed shoulder. She means to comfort him but finds that she can't really take her hand from massaging his shoulder. He looks at her once more as an idea comes to him.

"You may not come back from this battle?"

Joan nods, still massaging the shoulder. "Allow me to help then?"

Not certain of what he has in mind, she follows anyway as he goes out the tent flap.

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Kelsey doesn't sigh as she is wondering exactly what has possessed Fëanor. She looks back to see Autumn typing furiously on a little key board. Magically, Two elves pop up next to Kelsey.

"Baulgh!" The dark haired, gray eyed (sigh, swoon) twins look around curiously. They spot Elrond and attempt to get up to speak with him.

Kelsey realizes that the very knowledge of these two to Elrond could spell there non-existence and, borrowing two leads and a collar from Kalurien, quickly whips the collars on them and high tails it out of the tent.

"Lady, take us back to our father!" They cried in unison. Kelsey stops and looks at them, recalling the add for Wrigley's gum.

"Um, no, in fact, I think I won't." She says, given their leads a little jerk. "I think you can accompany me to my little tent.

Grinning evilly, Kelsey proceeds to drag them to a near by tent (all supplied by ShinElrond because she can:)

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Jen, who was outside grooming her horse (nickering appreciatively), watched the various UCMEC members and their respective elves go off to do...things:) while Thranduil groomed his horse, a pleasant strawberry roan.

"what do you suppose they're all up to?" Jen cast her eyes above her.

"Um, probably not a good thing to think about...unless...hey, Thranduil, you married yet?" He raised a brow at her.

"No."(I have no idea when he got married but I'm going, for Jen's sake, with he wasn't which actually makes the twins being here all feasible because I wrote Lego in when his parents weren't together yet:) Jen gets a spark of intrigue in her eye.

"How about going for a ride then?" Thranduil shrugs his shoulders and hops on the horse.

"What is it about these beasts that makes you like them so much?"

"I dunno, something about all that power moving right...you know, that was about to sound really bad. I just like em'." Thranduil nods his head as, escaping the weight of battle for a moment, they ride off into the moonlight (sorry, no rising sun for you to ride off into).

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Nobody else in the tent(not that many more remained) realized that Alena and Elrond had walked off as well.

"So you came to save high King Gil-galad?" Alena nodded her head, enjoying Elrond's gentlemanly behavior as she hugged his arm closer.

"Pretty much. But, you know, also to make sure that you got away safely too." Elrond smiled as they came to a cliff and sat down, admiring the beauty of the full moon.

"If the Lady Nemis laid claim upon the King...who did you lay claim to?" Alena let a heavy breath escape her.

"Honestly, I kinda haven't but...unofficially...I claim you." Elrond smiled down warmly at her.

"Lady Alena, I must confess, my heart belongs to another. I am in love with Celebrían of the Golden Wood." Alena nods her head, knowing full well that you can't escape their love. "However, it is said to be...bad luck...if you do not receive a kiss from a beautiful maiden before you go to battle," Alena looks up at him, completely shocked by what he's saying, "and Celebrían is not here to bestow one upon me." Alena is shocked as Elrond

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Katy looks around to see Autumn still typing away, Celeborn peering intently over her shoulder, Casey talking with Maglor which looks strangely like flirting with her and then she sees Erestor looking at a volume.

"Whatcha readin?"

Erestor looks up. It's a complete record of every transaction that's ever occurred in Imladris. Would you believe that Elrond once bought a bridle with a mithril bit for Glorfindel? He never bought such lavished gifts for me. Asfaloth gets better treatment than I."

Katy pats his shoulder.

"He cares, trust me, he'd be completely wrecked if it weren't for you."

Erestor still looked gloomy so Katy, taking it upon herself to cheer him up, snuggled closer and wrapped an arm around him.

"Don't worry about it, you're a good friend and a nice elf and a hot elf..."

Erestor looks at her oddly as she trailed off.

"What do I have to do with heat?"

"You'd be surprised" She replied as she snuggled so close that she was almost on his lap and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Are you worried about the battle?" Katy nods. Erestor places a hand on her head and strokes her hair lightly.

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Autumn looks up from her keyboard to see Katy snuggling up with Erestor and sighs. Celeborn looks up and his brow furrows.

"Do you find something...adorable about them." Autumn rolls her eyes. "Duh, look at them, they're so cute." She squeals.

Celeborn takes another look but shrugs his shoulders.

"You know, you shouldn't be so off, the way I've written you, you're a pretty romantic elf. Celeborn raises his brow. "You and Galadriel...you have many a happy moments because of me."

Celeborn cocks his brow again.

"What do you know of my wife and I?"

"Everything. You are a very cute couple...which makes me sad."

"Why?" Celeborn asks in a very caring voice.

"Because it makes me feel very bad about doing this." Celeborn, completely caught off guard, falls backward as Autumn draws him into a kiss.

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Casey stifles a giggle as she sees Autumn disappear behind Celeborn's chair along with him, his legs the only visible part of him. 

"What a foolish one." She turns to see Maglor watching them with an amused glint in his eye. She's a little thrown off until she sees Autumn's hand shoot up over the chair and grab her key board.

"You know, you have a nice voice?"

Maglor's cheeks glow red.

"So many tell me. Are we...the only unpaired ones?"

"As it goes." Casey says with a nod. Maglor takes in a breath and offers her his hand. Casey looks at him distrustingly but he smiles and she takes his hand.

"We have a few hours before we are apparently called to battle, would you like me to lul you to sleep with song?" Casey, unwilling to pass up an opportunity like this, scoots closer and allows a friendly arm to be placed about her shoulder. Maglor's soft voice began to whisper in her ear and she sighs happily.

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Wanna know what happens next?

You know you want to…