Title: An Irish Lullaby
Chapter Authored By: MissKitieFantastico
A/N: I've been SOOO out of it forever. I really didn't even have any real inspiration for this chapter. My inspiration extended to literally forcing myself in front of the computer and making myself type. That's why it's so short. Writer's block is a bitch. I've been waiting for my "Eureka!" moment, but it just hasn't come yet, so you get more of Cordy's self- rantiness. Which in it's own right is pretty important (since someone mentioned 'repercussions' in their review, I'm touching base on it), but I was hoping to have more for you. Ok, now my note is as long as my chapter. SHUT UP, Kat. Ok. On with the story.
Chapter dedicated to Kathryn: Why you ask am I dedicating it to my co- writer? 'Cause I knew she'd kick my ass though my modem if I didn't post something soon =) *But I luv ya anyways* (((hugs)))
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Chapter Five
These Dreams
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Talking with Wes took a lot out of me. Now I have no one to blame and I feel like we're getting nowhere. I really do feel like Lassie, minus the actually saving people and more of the chasing-my-tail-in-vain. At least when I was furious with Wes I felt like I was doing something productive.
Now it's 'hello square one'!
I walked out of the hospital in silence-- not even pausing to make sure Gunn and Groo were following me out. I just had to get out of there.
Damn, now that I think about it, I forgot to get Missy's number. Oh well, Wes is a big boy, he can pick up girls on his own.
No one's said a word since we filed into the truck, and I'm thankful. I know, me not wanting to talk? The world must've started rotating backwards… Which is true. The moment I found out about Connor, my world started revolving backwards. That is, if it ever started revolving again from the complete standstill it took after Angel told me. I still can't think about it. Can't think about the 'how', 'why' and 'where' of it all. My head will explode if I try and think about how we're supposed to get into-- not to mention out of if we ever actually get in-- to a hell dimension. At least with Pylea we had a handy dandy book to go by. Even if it was written in a language that obviously saw no importance for vowels. And even if we could figure out how to open a portal-- or whatever sci-fi lingo you wanna use for it-- how would we find the hot spot? Assuming that dimension creates so- called hot spots? Do I even know what I'm talking about?
Too many questions.
Not enough answers.
My head hurts.
I open my eyes, hoping that will make my overloaded brain take a break, but it doesn't help. My mind is still a-whirrin'.
I can see Gunn out of the corner of my eye. His hands are gripped on the wheel so tight, I could almost imagine his knuckles were white. He wasn't at all happy about going to see Wesley but I made him drive me. I don't think the softened look on my face when I left helped either. He's all about holding a big 'ol grudge right now. I don't blame him either. But I just can't feel that way, not after seeing Wes. I like to think I know him fairly well, after working with him for 3 years, and I saw everything he felt. He's never been good at hiding emotion from anyone, but the pain in his eyes… It was overwhelming. How he's holding it all in I'll never know. Actually I do know. I'm doing it right now. Everyone expects me to just lose it at any moment. That's why silence has been the language of choice around me. I don't even know how I'm doing it, I should be a sobbing mess but I'm not.
Even Groo, who's normally so full of random comments, has been on the sidelines. He hasn't said anything to me since we were in the courtyard. Maybe he knows something I don't. Or maybe he's just clueless as ever and he's waiting for me to prompt him.
My gaze shifts from Gunn to Groo, and he's just looking at me. (I gave him too much credit, he's just waiting for me.) That gaze that used to be so comforting is now the most UN-comforting thing for me right now. He's just so… different. Not freakazoid different, but just not what I expected. But I didn't expect anything from him. How could he let me down if I had no expectations for him in the first place?
I just feel empty next to him, like something's missing.
Now I know what that something is.
I knew it the moment I saw Angel in my room.
Angel was what was missing… I could even take it further back than that.
To the night I left him in the hotel.
I should have left happy, or more-so, I should've left happily delirious at the thought of a sex-filled vacation with my studly champion… Instead, I just left. No skip in my step, no fluttering heartbeat at the thought of being with Groo.
Nothing.
I chalked it up to guilt over taking his money. Now I know what it really was. That vacation wasn't meant for Groo, it was meant for Angel. My heart knew that. But who ever said Cordelia Chase listened to her heart?
No one, that's who. I've never listened to my heart. No, that's not true… I listened to my heart once.
What did I get for it?
I got rebar through my stomach as the main course, and public humiliation as a tasty side dish.
Today, seeing Angel, was the first time since then that I actually *listened* to my heart. Listened as in shut off my brain and just let something else take over. I won't lie, it felt good… really good to say something that shocked me but at the same exact time felt so right.
But it was wrong.
Timing and tact. Those are the two things I've always lacked, and now is when I wish I at least had one of those attributes.
*I love you, Angel.*
Oh, God. I knew there were going to be consequences to telling him that. Everything's just so messed up right now, I don't know how I thought that would help. It probably just made things worse. Great, Chase… Let's add a bit more anguish to the hell-state Angel's in. Not only has he potentially LOST his only child, but now you go and tell him you love him, with him full-well knowing you left him for Groo.
I sigh audibly and lean my head against the seat back.
What else can go wrong now?
Don't say that.
Murphy's Law, dumbass!
Another sigh. I don't even know how Angel feels about me. But that's SO not what I should be thinking about right now. I shouldn't be worrying about who loves me and who doesn't. I shouldn't be worrying about who I love more. My only thoughts should be of Connor. We'll get him back and then I'll think about the complete wreck that is my personal life. I'll need to remind myself to sing to Lorne after all this is over. Wait… Oh, my God.
"Lorne!"
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The sun is barely hanging along the horizon, trying to fight off the night, as we drive up to the Hyperion. I look out the windshield at the reds and the purples, and now the black that's slowly starting to leak into the sky, before I jump out of the truck and follow Gunn and Groo up the walkway. I shiver from the breeze and wrap my arms around my chest, trying to keep myself warm. I seem to be cold all the time now, no matter what I do I can't shake the cold. I don't think I've ever been this cold in my life, on the inside or out.
As we walk through the doors, Gunn immediately bolts for the stairs. I'd assume to talk to Fred, or maybe pound out his frustration on a helpless wall. I see Lorne and Angel leaning against the counter talking and my heart leaps at the sight of Angel. Him being upright brings a faint smile to my face, but the fact that he's been TALKING makes that smile grow just a little wider.
Groo clears his throat, and I realize I've been staring at Angel, who seems to have caught my gaze and thrown it right back at me with the same intenseness. Was I so out of it I didn't even notice he was looking at me? Guess so…
"Shall we be going home, Princess?" Groo looks at me expectantly, running a hand through his now short spikey hair. I've just now noticed how worn out he looks. Poor thing must be completely stressed just seeing ME completely stressed.
"Oh, no. I need to talk to Lorne some more. Maybe in a little while. If you'd like you can go on without me? Gunn can always drive me home." I turn to him and run the back of my right hand down the left side of his drawn face. He looks so tired.
"I don't want to leave you alone, Princess." He nuzzles my hand against his cheek, and I catch Angel out of the corner of my eye. He's watching us, intently. With his broody face nonetheless. I drop my hand almost immediately, but manage not to yank my hand down like I'd just touched a hot iron. I've gotten myself into a real pickle here. Two men, one me. Not good odds. Someone's gonna get hurt and I just don't want to think about it right now.
"I'll be fine. I've got three other big manly men to look after me. You should rest. I'm sure this day's been chalked full of un-fun for you, too." I manage a small smile for his sake. It always makes him feel better when I smile, so I force it. I think it ended up being more of a wince than an actual smile, because his face darkens immediately.
"May I talk with you," He glances over at Lorne and Angel, silently watching us, "alone?" I nod and he takes my arm. I glance back at Lorne and Angel before following his lead, and he guides me back outside. I won't tell him that even though we're outside, Angel would probably still be able to hear us. In fact, I know he'll still be able to hear us.
Groo takes in a large breath like he's getting ready to propose marriage-- Oh no. Please don't tell me he's going to propose! Wait, he can't propose, he probably doesn't even know what it is. I sigh with relief as he starts talking.
"I love you, Princess. More than my own life, I cherish you. I always want you to be happy. I want to make you happy."
Maybe I was wrong, maybe he IS going to propose. This is SO not what I want to hear right now. Please let him say something stupid instead!
"I know now that I cannot. You do not love me as I love you. It saddens me that I cannot make you happy, but I believe you know who can."
Phew… That was a close one. Wait a second, what's he trying to say?
"Angel. He is your true champion. I… I am not. I love you more than I can ever express, but I will not keep you from your true love. You deserve him, and happiness. You deserve more than I could ever give you." He looks sad as he talks, but at the same time he looks relieved. I guess he wasn't as thick as I thought. He actually knew what was going on and that's why he was looking at me like that in the truck.
I guess I didn't give him enough credit. He's kinda unpredictable like that, and that's one of the reasons I love him.
And I do love him, that's the thing. I know I do. But maybe he's right, maybe it's not enough? Hell, I don't even know right now. And now he's looking at me and I can't say a thing. Finally, I manage to open my mouth, hoping something will just pop out.
"I… Groo. I didn't want this to happen. I don't even know what 'this' is. Everything's just so-- wrong, right now. I'm sorry." I want to cry. For him, for me, for the future that we won't have, but I can't. I think I've spent my life's supply of tears already in just one day.
"Do not say sorry, Princess. You have made me happy in the time we have shared, and I will forever carry you with me. I shall stay with you, in friendship, for as long as you need me. Angel is a true champion and I will never abandon a fellow warrior. I shall help get your Connor back and avenge the wrongs done to you." He takes my hand in his, "If that is what you wish, Princess."
"You really are something, you know that? And I do love you." I lower my head and stare at the ground. I never wanted this to end. Those two weeks I was happy, and loved, and cared for. I wanted that more than anything, but I guess he's right. It's not enough, and it's not really what I want. Sometime after this is over, maybe I'll actually be able to let that sink in, but for now, I'm playing duck. I'm just gonna let it roll off my back until I actually have a non-refried brain to mull it over with.
"Farewell. For tonight, Princess. I shall retire to your dwelling." I still can't bear to look at him, it hurts too much, but he lifts my chin in his strong hand and forces me to meet his eyes. Those beautiful, not to mention huge, blue eyes. God, I'm gonna miss those eyes. "Talk to him." He means it, with all the emotion in his voice, the strongest is compassion, and I want to cry all over again. He leans forward and brushes his lips against my forehead before heading for the gates.
I guess I didn't have to choose after all.
Damn.
I've just been dumped.
Again.
I have no luck with men whatsoever.
I sigh and head back into the hotel to a waiting Anagogic demon with a quirky musical affliction, and a broody but loveable vampire. I really do love my life, no matter how weird or dangerous… it's me. And I can't wait to get Connor back. Then all will be right in the world.
"Well, good evening, Honey Bumpkins." Lorne smiles at me as I stride towards the two of them.
"Oh, don't pretend you didn't hear all that." I sigh as I drop myself into a chair on the other side of the counter.
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not really, Lorne. Nothing to talk about. I was dumped. End of story."
"Well then. How's Mr. Watcher doing?" Bless Lorne and his topical diversionary tactics. I REALLY didn't want to have to talk to Angel about this. And I know he wants to talk, I can see it in his eyes. Or I could, but with the mention of Wesley, the I-want-to-talk look was replaced with an I-want-to-kill look. Not a pretty change.
"He's good… Oh who the hell am I kidding? He's a mess." I dump my elbows on the table and drop my head into my hands. This is a talk that's not going to go over well with Angel. You know, with the whole I'm-gonna-kill-him thing. "He can't really talk, but he's in better condition than Gunn said he was."
"Too bad… I was hoping he'd suffer a little bit more… You know, after what he did to my son and all."
"Angel… I… He…" I raise my eyes to meet his. The rage and hatred in them practically set me on fire. "He's sorry, Angel. He thought he was protecting Connor when he took him away. He didn't know what Holtz would do. He's--" My voice cracks, and I'm not sure if I can get it out, even if I do, Angel doesn't care. As far as he's concerned Wes is a traitor and he'll never feel sympathy for him. "--really broken up about what he did. He knows he betrayed you, and… God! I know Wes, he'd never do anything intentionally to hurt Connor. He loved him as much as the rest of us, and he's dying inside too. Because of what he did." I'm pleading with him now, hoping he'll understand.
He doesn't. And frankly I don't blame him. But I won't join the I Hate Wesley Club, either.
"Good. Maybe he feels a fraction of what I'm feeling right now!" Angel slams his fist onto the counter and I jump in my seat.
Lorne takes a step back from him and throws his hands up. "Woah big guy. This isn't going to help anything right now. Maybe we should move on to more productive topics?" Once again, bless Lorne for being the designated topic-changer, because with that, Angel softens. He's just an emotional rollercoaster right now. Honestly so am I. Hell, I've been on every ride in the damn park already, and I don't think we're quite done yet.
"I'm sorry… Cordy, I'm sorry. I just want him back. Right now." Angel pleads with me with his eyes, begging me to make Connor come back.
"I know. Me too." I reach across the counter and put my hand over his fisted one. He loosens and grabs hold of me tightly, holding on to me like I'm his lifeline. And he's mine. He always has been.
"Tell her, Angel." Lorne steps forward again and looks at Angel.
"What?"
"About your dream. It might help, both of you."
He looks back at me, still holding my hand and starts to speak. I can already see the faraway look in his eyes as he's recalling it in his head. "I was, at home. In Ireland. My mother was there, with Connor." He stops and smiles when he says his name, "She was so happy to finally meet her grandson, and she told me that everything was ok. That Connor was safe." I can see tears in his eyes now and he refocuses his gaze on me. "It felt real, Cordy. It felt right. I woke up knowing he was ok, wherever he is."
I squeeze his hand tighter and I smile at him, tears I thought were long gone, were stinging my eyes as he looked at me. This was the miracle we needed. Even just that little bit of hope was all we needed to remind us that our son was ok.
"Our son, is ok." Angel never broke his gaze with me as he repeated my thought out loud, and I stare at him now in shock. He'd never said anything like that before. I narrow my eyes a bit, asking with them if I heard him correctly and he nods slightly, letting a soft smile play on his lips.
Lorne sniffs, breaking our silent eye-conversation and we look at him expectantly, "Speaking of dreams, Cordy. You've had a vision."
"What? No I didn't." I pull my hand back from Angel's and tangle my fingers together in my lap.
"Yes you did. I can still sense it."
"Uh, hello? Who's the Seer? I think I would've known if I'd had a vision." I stare at him defiantly, I don't remember having a vision. Although it seems like they've taken on a different nature with my new demon-ness. For one, there's no pain that acts as a big old neon 'Eat At Joe's' sign in my head. And lately they seem to be more real. Like I see it right in front of me, like it's actually happening right where I'm standing. Could I have had a vision and not known it?
"Uh, yeah. While you were sleeping, Hot Cakes." Lorne looks at me, like he's scrutinizing me, just waiting for the second to come when I remember it.
But, I don't…
"Why would the Powers give me a vision in my sleep?"
"It's not like they know when you're catching your beauty-rest all the time. They're busy people I'd presume. Ok, maybe not 'people' but beings… Oh, you catch my drift."
"She's right. How would a vision help if she wasn't conscious to relay it?"
"What do I look like? A magic eight ball? I don't have all the answers. At least not right now. But I know what'll get me the answers…" He eyes me again, but this time with a certain glint in his eye…
Oh no… no no no… Nuh uh. No way. This is not what I had in mind. Humiliation for Angel, yes… Me?
"No." I state adamantly, and to drive it further home, I shake my head furiously at him.
"You know you have to, Sugar Lips. If you want to unwrap the gift, you gotta give Uncle Lorne a peek first."
"But, there's no music, no blaring stage lights, no microphone, no raptured audience!"
"Cordy…" This time it's Angel that speaks up. I can see the hint of a smile that's threatening his lips. No way he's throwing all those singing-jokes- at-his-expense back at me. "You know it's the only way to figure it out if you can't remember."
"I SO don't do well under pressure. You've heard me sing in the shower--" Lorne throws me a questioning glance as I catch my flub, "-- not like that! After his apartment blew up. Anyway, it's all bad. High squeaky voice plus no music equals cosmic disaster."
Angel just looks at me. The parental look. The I'm-putting-my-foot-down-and- your-doing-it look.
"Fine. But if any of you so much as snicker and… you don't want me to finish that sentence." I point my finger at them both and they nod in agreement.
"So maestro, where do you want me?" I hop off the chair and look at Lorne.
"Anywhere you feel comfortable."
"Ok, how about Cancun?" All I get is a minor eyeroll from the green one. "Tough crowd. Fine, go take a seat on the couch."
They do as they're told, for once, without another word.
I duck behind the counter searching for just the right--
"Ah ha. This'll do just fine."
I step out from behind the counter and stand in front of my anxious audience.
"What's that for?" Angel points to my left hand.
"This?" I hold up the little purple flashlight and look at it. "It's my mic."
"Oh." He still looks puzzled. Men will never learn. A woman has needs, and I need something to hold on to or else I might not be able to do this. Oh boy. Here goes nothin'.
My voice starts out shaky, but I close my eyes and let the memory of the song's beat play in my head. It's like riding a bike, right? You never forget…
.
.
Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
These dreams in the mist
.
Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist
.
.
My hands aren't shaking so bad now, as I'm remembering the song… I haven't heard it in so long, I can't believe I remember all the words…
.
.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
.
Is it clock n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips
.
.
I can feel the tears now, building up even though I've got my eyes squeezed shut. I actually don't sound so bad, at least I don't think so. I'm practically belting out the song now, putting my all into it…
.
.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
.
There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
.
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist
.
.
I open my eyes when I sing the last half of the verse and my teary eyes find Angel. He's watching me. I can't seem to tear my gaze away from him, not that I'd ever want to. I feel so far away from him but I can see him clearly. I think he has tears in his eyes now, but maybe that's just my own watery vision…
.
.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
.
.
I let the last note hang and it echoes throughout the massive lobby. I drop my head in my hands in shame, but also to cover my tears. I can't believe that song still has that affect on me. Or maybe it's not the song. Maybe someone else has that affect on me.
I feel strong arms wrap around me and hug me tightly. I breathe him in and know who it is without even opening my eyes.
"Wow, you sure got a pair of lungs on you, girl… Remind me to book you nightly when I get the club running again." Lorne stands and claps his hands in praise.
Angel breaks the hug, and it leaves me empty when he pulls away. But I have larger things on my mind now. I look up at his face, and there are tears in both our eyes now.
"I remember."
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To Be Continued
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Whew. That took a lot out of me. I think that's the longest chapter I've ever written. Ok, for those of you that are confused.
No I don't think that was a short chapter. (See above where I say 'long chapter') You see, when I wrote the first half on Wednesday, the rest of it didn't even exist in my head. (I was just too lazy to change the note.) It's now Friday, and I actually got all inspire-y while talking to Kathryn online. So once again thanks to Kathryn for making this chapter better. I'm sure all you loyal readers can agree, so… go review and thank Kathryn for inspiring me to write a fleshier chapter. =) Hope you enjoyed. Kathryn's chapter *should* be up soon, probably within the next few days or so.
Ok, last note, almost forgot: The song? Anyone remember it? I do, being a child of the 80's and all. It's 'These Dreams' by Heart. I don't own them. Just so we're clear.
-MissKitie
Chapter Authored By: MissKitieFantastico
A/N: I've been SOOO out of it forever. I really didn't even have any real inspiration for this chapter. My inspiration extended to literally forcing myself in front of the computer and making myself type. That's why it's so short. Writer's block is a bitch. I've been waiting for my "Eureka!" moment, but it just hasn't come yet, so you get more of Cordy's self- rantiness. Which in it's own right is pretty important (since someone mentioned 'repercussions' in their review, I'm touching base on it), but I was hoping to have more for you. Ok, now my note is as long as my chapter. SHUT UP, Kat. Ok. On with the story.
Chapter dedicated to Kathryn: Why you ask am I dedicating it to my co- writer? 'Cause I knew she'd kick my ass though my modem if I didn't post something soon =) *But I luv ya anyways* (((hugs)))
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Chapter Five
These Dreams
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Talking with Wes took a lot out of me. Now I have no one to blame and I feel like we're getting nowhere. I really do feel like Lassie, minus the actually saving people and more of the chasing-my-tail-in-vain. At least when I was furious with Wes I felt like I was doing something productive.
Now it's 'hello square one'!
I walked out of the hospital in silence-- not even pausing to make sure Gunn and Groo were following me out. I just had to get out of there.
Damn, now that I think about it, I forgot to get Missy's number. Oh well, Wes is a big boy, he can pick up girls on his own.
No one's said a word since we filed into the truck, and I'm thankful. I know, me not wanting to talk? The world must've started rotating backwards… Which is true. The moment I found out about Connor, my world started revolving backwards. That is, if it ever started revolving again from the complete standstill it took after Angel told me. I still can't think about it. Can't think about the 'how', 'why' and 'where' of it all. My head will explode if I try and think about how we're supposed to get into-- not to mention out of if we ever actually get in-- to a hell dimension. At least with Pylea we had a handy dandy book to go by. Even if it was written in a language that obviously saw no importance for vowels. And even if we could figure out how to open a portal-- or whatever sci-fi lingo you wanna use for it-- how would we find the hot spot? Assuming that dimension creates so- called hot spots? Do I even know what I'm talking about?
Too many questions.
Not enough answers.
My head hurts.
I open my eyes, hoping that will make my overloaded brain take a break, but it doesn't help. My mind is still a-whirrin'.
I can see Gunn out of the corner of my eye. His hands are gripped on the wheel so tight, I could almost imagine his knuckles were white. He wasn't at all happy about going to see Wesley but I made him drive me. I don't think the softened look on my face when I left helped either. He's all about holding a big 'ol grudge right now. I don't blame him either. But I just can't feel that way, not after seeing Wes. I like to think I know him fairly well, after working with him for 3 years, and I saw everything he felt. He's never been good at hiding emotion from anyone, but the pain in his eyes… It was overwhelming. How he's holding it all in I'll never know. Actually I do know. I'm doing it right now. Everyone expects me to just lose it at any moment. That's why silence has been the language of choice around me. I don't even know how I'm doing it, I should be a sobbing mess but I'm not.
Even Groo, who's normally so full of random comments, has been on the sidelines. He hasn't said anything to me since we were in the courtyard. Maybe he knows something I don't. Or maybe he's just clueless as ever and he's waiting for me to prompt him.
My gaze shifts from Gunn to Groo, and he's just looking at me. (I gave him too much credit, he's just waiting for me.) That gaze that used to be so comforting is now the most UN-comforting thing for me right now. He's just so… different. Not freakazoid different, but just not what I expected. But I didn't expect anything from him. How could he let me down if I had no expectations for him in the first place?
I just feel empty next to him, like something's missing.
Now I know what that something is.
I knew it the moment I saw Angel in my room.
Angel was what was missing… I could even take it further back than that.
To the night I left him in the hotel.
I should have left happy, or more-so, I should've left happily delirious at the thought of a sex-filled vacation with my studly champion… Instead, I just left. No skip in my step, no fluttering heartbeat at the thought of being with Groo.
Nothing.
I chalked it up to guilt over taking his money. Now I know what it really was. That vacation wasn't meant for Groo, it was meant for Angel. My heart knew that. But who ever said Cordelia Chase listened to her heart?
No one, that's who. I've never listened to my heart. No, that's not true… I listened to my heart once.
What did I get for it?
I got rebar through my stomach as the main course, and public humiliation as a tasty side dish.
Today, seeing Angel, was the first time since then that I actually *listened* to my heart. Listened as in shut off my brain and just let something else take over. I won't lie, it felt good… really good to say something that shocked me but at the same exact time felt so right.
But it was wrong.
Timing and tact. Those are the two things I've always lacked, and now is when I wish I at least had one of those attributes.
*I love you, Angel.*
Oh, God. I knew there were going to be consequences to telling him that. Everything's just so messed up right now, I don't know how I thought that would help. It probably just made things worse. Great, Chase… Let's add a bit more anguish to the hell-state Angel's in. Not only has he potentially LOST his only child, but now you go and tell him you love him, with him full-well knowing you left him for Groo.
I sigh audibly and lean my head against the seat back.
What else can go wrong now?
Don't say that.
Murphy's Law, dumbass!
Another sigh. I don't even know how Angel feels about me. But that's SO not what I should be thinking about right now. I shouldn't be worrying about who loves me and who doesn't. I shouldn't be worrying about who I love more. My only thoughts should be of Connor. We'll get him back and then I'll think about the complete wreck that is my personal life. I'll need to remind myself to sing to Lorne after all this is over. Wait… Oh, my God.
"Lorne!"
==++==++==++==++==
The sun is barely hanging along the horizon, trying to fight off the night, as we drive up to the Hyperion. I look out the windshield at the reds and the purples, and now the black that's slowly starting to leak into the sky, before I jump out of the truck and follow Gunn and Groo up the walkway. I shiver from the breeze and wrap my arms around my chest, trying to keep myself warm. I seem to be cold all the time now, no matter what I do I can't shake the cold. I don't think I've ever been this cold in my life, on the inside or out.
As we walk through the doors, Gunn immediately bolts for the stairs. I'd assume to talk to Fred, or maybe pound out his frustration on a helpless wall. I see Lorne and Angel leaning against the counter talking and my heart leaps at the sight of Angel. Him being upright brings a faint smile to my face, but the fact that he's been TALKING makes that smile grow just a little wider.
Groo clears his throat, and I realize I've been staring at Angel, who seems to have caught my gaze and thrown it right back at me with the same intenseness. Was I so out of it I didn't even notice he was looking at me? Guess so…
"Shall we be going home, Princess?" Groo looks at me expectantly, running a hand through his now short spikey hair. I've just now noticed how worn out he looks. Poor thing must be completely stressed just seeing ME completely stressed.
"Oh, no. I need to talk to Lorne some more. Maybe in a little while. If you'd like you can go on without me? Gunn can always drive me home." I turn to him and run the back of my right hand down the left side of his drawn face. He looks so tired.
"I don't want to leave you alone, Princess." He nuzzles my hand against his cheek, and I catch Angel out of the corner of my eye. He's watching us, intently. With his broody face nonetheless. I drop my hand almost immediately, but manage not to yank my hand down like I'd just touched a hot iron. I've gotten myself into a real pickle here. Two men, one me. Not good odds. Someone's gonna get hurt and I just don't want to think about it right now.
"I'll be fine. I've got three other big manly men to look after me. You should rest. I'm sure this day's been chalked full of un-fun for you, too." I manage a small smile for his sake. It always makes him feel better when I smile, so I force it. I think it ended up being more of a wince than an actual smile, because his face darkens immediately.
"May I talk with you," He glances over at Lorne and Angel, silently watching us, "alone?" I nod and he takes my arm. I glance back at Lorne and Angel before following his lead, and he guides me back outside. I won't tell him that even though we're outside, Angel would probably still be able to hear us. In fact, I know he'll still be able to hear us.
Groo takes in a large breath like he's getting ready to propose marriage-- Oh no. Please don't tell me he's going to propose! Wait, he can't propose, he probably doesn't even know what it is. I sigh with relief as he starts talking.
"I love you, Princess. More than my own life, I cherish you. I always want you to be happy. I want to make you happy."
Maybe I was wrong, maybe he IS going to propose. This is SO not what I want to hear right now. Please let him say something stupid instead!
"I know now that I cannot. You do not love me as I love you. It saddens me that I cannot make you happy, but I believe you know who can."
Phew… That was a close one. Wait a second, what's he trying to say?
"Angel. He is your true champion. I… I am not. I love you more than I can ever express, but I will not keep you from your true love. You deserve him, and happiness. You deserve more than I could ever give you." He looks sad as he talks, but at the same time he looks relieved. I guess he wasn't as thick as I thought. He actually knew what was going on and that's why he was looking at me like that in the truck.
I guess I didn't give him enough credit. He's kinda unpredictable like that, and that's one of the reasons I love him.
And I do love him, that's the thing. I know I do. But maybe he's right, maybe it's not enough? Hell, I don't even know right now. And now he's looking at me and I can't say a thing. Finally, I manage to open my mouth, hoping something will just pop out.
"I… Groo. I didn't want this to happen. I don't even know what 'this' is. Everything's just so-- wrong, right now. I'm sorry." I want to cry. For him, for me, for the future that we won't have, but I can't. I think I've spent my life's supply of tears already in just one day.
"Do not say sorry, Princess. You have made me happy in the time we have shared, and I will forever carry you with me. I shall stay with you, in friendship, for as long as you need me. Angel is a true champion and I will never abandon a fellow warrior. I shall help get your Connor back and avenge the wrongs done to you." He takes my hand in his, "If that is what you wish, Princess."
"You really are something, you know that? And I do love you." I lower my head and stare at the ground. I never wanted this to end. Those two weeks I was happy, and loved, and cared for. I wanted that more than anything, but I guess he's right. It's not enough, and it's not really what I want. Sometime after this is over, maybe I'll actually be able to let that sink in, but for now, I'm playing duck. I'm just gonna let it roll off my back until I actually have a non-refried brain to mull it over with.
"Farewell. For tonight, Princess. I shall retire to your dwelling." I still can't bear to look at him, it hurts too much, but he lifts my chin in his strong hand and forces me to meet his eyes. Those beautiful, not to mention huge, blue eyes. God, I'm gonna miss those eyes. "Talk to him." He means it, with all the emotion in his voice, the strongest is compassion, and I want to cry all over again. He leans forward and brushes his lips against my forehead before heading for the gates.
I guess I didn't have to choose after all.
Damn.
I've just been dumped.
Again.
I have no luck with men whatsoever.
I sigh and head back into the hotel to a waiting Anagogic demon with a quirky musical affliction, and a broody but loveable vampire. I really do love my life, no matter how weird or dangerous… it's me. And I can't wait to get Connor back. Then all will be right in the world.
"Well, good evening, Honey Bumpkins." Lorne smiles at me as I stride towards the two of them.
"Oh, don't pretend you didn't hear all that." I sigh as I drop myself into a chair on the other side of the counter.
"Want to talk about it?"
"Not really, Lorne. Nothing to talk about. I was dumped. End of story."
"Well then. How's Mr. Watcher doing?" Bless Lorne and his topical diversionary tactics. I REALLY didn't want to have to talk to Angel about this. And I know he wants to talk, I can see it in his eyes. Or I could, but with the mention of Wesley, the I-want-to-talk look was replaced with an I-want-to-kill look. Not a pretty change.
"He's good… Oh who the hell am I kidding? He's a mess." I dump my elbows on the table and drop my head into my hands. This is a talk that's not going to go over well with Angel. You know, with the whole I'm-gonna-kill-him thing. "He can't really talk, but he's in better condition than Gunn said he was."
"Too bad… I was hoping he'd suffer a little bit more… You know, after what he did to my son and all."
"Angel… I… He…" I raise my eyes to meet his. The rage and hatred in them practically set me on fire. "He's sorry, Angel. He thought he was protecting Connor when he took him away. He didn't know what Holtz would do. He's--" My voice cracks, and I'm not sure if I can get it out, even if I do, Angel doesn't care. As far as he's concerned Wes is a traitor and he'll never feel sympathy for him. "--really broken up about what he did. He knows he betrayed you, and… God! I know Wes, he'd never do anything intentionally to hurt Connor. He loved him as much as the rest of us, and he's dying inside too. Because of what he did." I'm pleading with him now, hoping he'll understand.
He doesn't. And frankly I don't blame him. But I won't join the I Hate Wesley Club, either.
"Good. Maybe he feels a fraction of what I'm feeling right now!" Angel slams his fist onto the counter and I jump in my seat.
Lorne takes a step back from him and throws his hands up. "Woah big guy. This isn't going to help anything right now. Maybe we should move on to more productive topics?" Once again, bless Lorne for being the designated topic-changer, because with that, Angel softens. He's just an emotional rollercoaster right now. Honestly so am I. Hell, I've been on every ride in the damn park already, and I don't think we're quite done yet.
"I'm sorry… Cordy, I'm sorry. I just want him back. Right now." Angel pleads with me with his eyes, begging me to make Connor come back.
"I know. Me too." I reach across the counter and put my hand over his fisted one. He loosens and grabs hold of me tightly, holding on to me like I'm his lifeline. And he's mine. He always has been.
"Tell her, Angel." Lorne steps forward again and looks at Angel.
"What?"
"About your dream. It might help, both of you."
He looks back at me, still holding my hand and starts to speak. I can already see the faraway look in his eyes as he's recalling it in his head. "I was, at home. In Ireland. My mother was there, with Connor." He stops and smiles when he says his name, "She was so happy to finally meet her grandson, and she told me that everything was ok. That Connor was safe." I can see tears in his eyes now and he refocuses his gaze on me. "It felt real, Cordy. It felt right. I woke up knowing he was ok, wherever he is."
I squeeze his hand tighter and I smile at him, tears I thought were long gone, were stinging my eyes as he looked at me. This was the miracle we needed. Even just that little bit of hope was all we needed to remind us that our son was ok.
"Our son, is ok." Angel never broke his gaze with me as he repeated my thought out loud, and I stare at him now in shock. He'd never said anything like that before. I narrow my eyes a bit, asking with them if I heard him correctly and he nods slightly, letting a soft smile play on his lips.
Lorne sniffs, breaking our silent eye-conversation and we look at him expectantly, "Speaking of dreams, Cordy. You've had a vision."
"What? No I didn't." I pull my hand back from Angel's and tangle my fingers together in my lap.
"Yes you did. I can still sense it."
"Uh, hello? Who's the Seer? I think I would've known if I'd had a vision." I stare at him defiantly, I don't remember having a vision. Although it seems like they've taken on a different nature with my new demon-ness. For one, there's no pain that acts as a big old neon 'Eat At Joe's' sign in my head. And lately they seem to be more real. Like I see it right in front of me, like it's actually happening right where I'm standing. Could I have had a vision and not known it?
"Uh, yeah. While you were sleeping, Hot Cakes." Lorne looks at me, like he's scrutinizing me, just waiting for the second to come when I remember it.
But, I don't…
"Why would the Powers give me a vision in my sleep?"
"It's not like they know when you're catching your beauty-rest all the time. They're busy people I'd presume. Ok, maybe not 'people' but beings… Oh, you catch my drift."
"She's right. How would a vision help if she wasn't conscious to relay it?"
"What do I look like? A magic eight ball? I don't have all the answers. At least not right now. But I know what'll get me the answers…" He eyes me again, but this time with a certain glint in his eye…
Oh no… no no no… Nuh uh. No way. This is not what I had in mind. Humiliation for Angel, yes… Me?
"No." I state adamantly, and to drive it further home, I shake my head furiously at him.
"You know you have to, Sugar Lips. If you want to unwrap the gift, you gotta give Uncle Lorne a peek first."
"But, there's no music, no blaring stage lights, no microphone, no raptured audience!"
"Cordy…" This time it's Angel that speaks up. I can see the hint of a smile that's threatening his lips. No way he's throwing all those singing-jokes- at-his-expense back at me. "You know it's the only way to figure it out if you can't remember."
"I SO don't do well under pressure. You've heard me sing in the shower--" Lorne throws me a questioning glance as I catch my flub, "-- not like that! After his apartment blew up. Anyway, it's all bad. High squeaky voice plus no music equals cosmic disaster."
Angel just looks at me. The parental look. The I'm-putting-my-foot-down-and- your-doing-it look.
"Fine. But if any of you so much as snicker and… you don't want me to finish that sentence." I point my finger at them both and they nod in agreement.
"So maestro, where do you want me?" I hop off the chair and look at Lorne.
"Anywhere you feel comfortable."
"Ok, how about Cancun?" All I get is a minor eyeroll from the green one. "Tough crowd. Fine, go take a seat on the couch."
They do as they're told, for once, without another word.
I duck behind the counter searching for just the right--
"Ah ha. This'll do just fine."
I step out from behind the counter and stand in front of my anxious audience.
"What's that for?" Angel points to my left hand.
"This?" I hold up the little purple flashlight and look at it. "It's my mic."
"Oh." He still looks puzzled. Men will never learn. A woman has needs, and I need something to hold on to or else I might not be able to do this. Oh boy. Here goes nothin'.
My voice starts out shaky, but I close my eyes and let the memory of the song's beat play in my head. It's like riding a bike, right? You never forget…
.
.
Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
These dreams in the mist
.
Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist
.
.
My hands aren't shaking so bad now, as I'm remembering the song… I haven't heard it in so long, I can't believe I remember all the words…
.
.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
.
Is it clock n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips
.
.
I can feel the tears now, building up even though I've got my eyes squeezed shut. I actually don't sound so bad, at least I don't think so. I'm practically belting out the song now, putting my all into it…
.
.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
.
There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
.
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist
.
.
I open my eyes when I sing the last half of the verse and my teary eyes find Angel. He's watching me. I can't seem to tear my gaze away from him, not that I'd ever want to. I feel so far away from him but I can see him clearly. I think he has tears in his eyes now, but maybe that's just my own watery vision…
.
.
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
.
.
I let the last note hang and it echoes throughout the massive lobby. I drop my head in my hands in shame, but also to cover my tears. I can't believe that song still has that affect on me. Or maybe it's not the song. Maybe someone else has that affect on me.
I feel strong arms wrap around me and hug me tightly. I breathe him in and know who it is without even opening my eyes.
"Wow, you sure got a pair of lungs on you, girl… Remind me to book you nightly when I get the club running again." Lorne stands and claps his hands in praise.
Angel breaks the hug, and it leaves me empty when he pulls away. But I have larger things on my mind now. I look up at his face, and there are tears in both our eyes now.
"I remember."
==++==++==++==
To Be Continued
==++==++==++==
Whew. That took a lot out of me. I think that's the longest chapter I've ever written. Ok, for those of you that are confused.
No I don't think that was a short chapter. (See above where I say 'long chapter') You see, when I wrote the first half on Wednesday, the rest of it didn't even exist in my head. (I was just too lazy to change the note.) It's now Friday, and I actually got all inspire-y while talking to Kathryn online. So once again thanks to Kathryn for making this chapter better. I'm sure all you loyal readers can agree, so… go review and thank Kathryn for inspiring me to write a fleshier chapter. =) Hope you enjoyed. Kathryn's chapter *should* be up soon, probably within the next few days or so.
Ok, last note, almost forgot: The song? Anyone remember it? I do, being a child of the 80's and all. It's 'These Dreams' by Heart. I don't own them. Just so we're clear.
-MissKitie