exhumed the rhetoric of

09.01.45
I bothered to ask Hermes about God today. It was an incident singularly piquant in its irony; Kay, the eternal doubter who could bend God's words to suit his purpose, begging question of God's messenger--is there such a thing as the Divine Father, or are you merely a figment of my imagination serving a greater figment that has made kingdoms rise and fall?
I am not sure I liked the answer. But then, why would I--agnostic by nature, always uncertain of what I cannot see--enjoy an answer that proved me, in all my pride, utterly wrong. A liar, at that--and an oathbreaker. Ultimately, however, I suppose I brought myself to this fate through my own doubt and my own arrogance. That they should go hand in hand--doubt in the divine and pride in the self--is fitting. He did answer; I should not belabor the point of my own fallen state overmuch in lieu of explaining the response I received.
Brevis, his answer was little more than I already had received. Yes, there is a One who created the entire scheming, breeding, thrashing, living-loving-dying lot of us. Yes, there is an Adversary who willed that death might be. And no, not even we, within a breath of immortal as we Stardroids are and always will be, will understand quite what it means to be Creator.
Affirmation, or repetition? He said it all with an air of one relating a familiar dogma, rhetoric meant to ease the mind of those simple enough to be misled by a simple statement counter to the faith they have held all their lives. Coming from one who knows he has seen the face of God, though, it seemed to hold a certain extra impetus. Either I have created a truly beautiful lie to deceive myself with, as the Virus would lead me to believe, or there is something beyond my science that even I cannot rationalize away.
Surely I have felt, as palpably as heat on a summer's day, the sheer malign sense that surrounds Sunstar. I know when he is in the Starsnuffer's control, and when he is not. But I have never felt in the same way the One's presence--as if evil held sway, or as if the only thing to exist were the darkness, and all we pursuing light have gravely misled ourselves.
Or perhaps it is merely that belief is not as easy as thought.
Have I had my prayers answered? Certainly not, I would answer--did not all I loved still die? Has not Sunstar continued to persecute me? Does the Judgment not continue?
But then, have I exercised an ounce of force to undo any of these situations? Hermes is no devil's advocate, true, but he gives me no rest in my misery anymore. It is he that puts me to question these intangibles, the certainties of God's indifference I had. Perhaps he knows something I do not; perhaps I begin to doubt my own mistrust; surely such times as these that I have fallen on push one more toward faith than uncaring.
Counter-wise, did Rrakith not survive when I would have lost him to suicide or madness? I intervened, true--but how important was that to him? Was it the timing, or the person?
Did not the Hunt cease, did not Terra remain alive, because I chose to act?
Is deity an act, an object, a person, or a single will against the darkness?
Yes, a hundred times yes--to be a god...is all of these.


Contents of this document are © 2002 Kim Kondratieff.