Title: Abandoned, epilogue
Author: Jennifer Campbell
Fandom: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
Spoilers: Through "Tabula Rasa"
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: R -- for language and nongraphic sex
Disclaimers: Not mine. Belong to Joss.

#

Saturday night meant a crowd at the Bronze, slick hot bodies grinding on the dance floor and jostling for attention at the bar. A curious stench of alcohol and smoke pervaded everything, and the band onstage played loud enough to drown out most conversation. For an hour, the gang had lounged in their regular corner, away from the craziness, laughing, smiling, poking fun at Dawn because she alone was too young to drink. Finally, Dawn had gone to visit the ladies' room, and Xander, Anya and Willow had jumped to the dance floor, and Buffy found the moment for her escape.

She climbed to the empty balcony, above the smoky haze, and relished her moment alone. She leaned against the metal railing and simply let the world pass over her, pretended she was an observer for a while instead of a participant. No wonder Giles had enjoyed his role as Watcher so much. There was a definite allure to apathy.

Not that Buffy had sunk back into an unfeeling depression. No, she had about as much emotion as she could handle, just not of the happy, hills- are-alive variety. Down on the dance floor, Dawn had joined the gang, and they were all grins. They were still basking in their post-battle giddiness, and Buffy was happy for them.

But all her own smiling made her jaw ache. Two weeks had passed since the battle, since the Big Man had fallen into the Hellmouth and Spike had vanished for the second time. It felt more like two years. For so long she had wanted Spike out of her life, and now she only wanted to hear his voice again. And much more than that, she admitted to herself.

Down below, Dawn had stopped dancing and was scanning the crowd on her tip-toes. She looked up, spotted Buffy and waved. Buffy waved back. Dawn yelled something to Xander, then headed toward the balcony stairs.

"Whatcha doing up here?" she asked as she joined Buffy at the railing. She peered at the mass of humanity below them. "Nice view. You can see everything from up here."

"I just needed to get away for a couple of minutes," Buffy replied, trying to sound nonchalant. "I'm not really up for dancing tonight, anyway. Oh, but I don't want that to interfere with your fun. So you should go ... have fun, I mean."

Dawn gave her a funny look. "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Pretending to be happy just to make us feel better."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm --" Buffy sighed. "I'm fine. Really, Dawn. Promise."

They stood silent for a few minutes, watching the crowd. Buffy stared at an attractive couple near the stairs who couldn't keep their hands off each other. They reminded her of the night she had kissed Spike at the Bronze, and of the following night in his crypt. She had asked him what he wanted, and he had given her an answer as surprising at it was beautiful. I want to see you smile again. A truly free and happy smile. She had known then that she could entrust her heart to him and everything would turn out all right. Rarely had she been so mistaken.

Beside her Dawn swayed a little to the music, then started humming along. Like a little kid, Buffy thought, and smiled. At least she and Dawn would always have each other, no matter who else drifted in and out of their lives. They would always be together.

The song ended. Buffy's gaze strayed randomly toward the stage, but then Dawn gasped and grabbed at her sister's sleeve. She was pointing frantically at the front door.

"Oh my God, Buffy look!"

It didn't take her long to spot him, striding into the club like he owned the place. He had bleached his hair and wore the black duster, looking much more like his old self than last time they had met. Buffy froze as she watched him, hardly daring to breathe. Her heart pounded and blood rushed in her ears.

Dawn squealed. "He's back! Do you think he's going to stay this time? Because if not, we're going to have to chain him up to keep him from running away again."

She started moving past Buffy, but Buffy caught her arm.

"Where are you going?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Where do you think?"

"Stay here," Buffy said, more a request than an order.

"But--"

"He'll find us soon enough," she said, her eyes straying back to Spike. "He always does."

As though on cue, Spike paused in the center of the club and looked up. Dawn started waving enthusiastically, but Buffy knew Spike hadn't even seen her sister. His eyes were on her alone, and even at that distance, Buffy could see his uncertainty and regret. That moment lasted what seemed forever, then Spike saw Dawn and grinned. He waved back and headed toward the stairs.

Buffy gripped the railing until her knuckles turned white. She could feel him approaching but couldn't bring herself to turn around. Not yet. First she had to calm down, get herself collected. She absolutely would not let him see how much his disappearance had hurt her.

"Spike!" Dawn squealed and engulfed him in a hug.

"Hey, Nibblet," he said softly, affectionately, and returned the embrace before stepping back. "Mind if I have a few moments alone with your sis?"

"Oh! No, it's fine," Dawn said hurriedly. "I'll just go down and find Xander and Anya and Willow. No problem."

Buffy watched Dawn run down the stairs and push her way through the crowd to their friends. She gestured excitedly and pointed at the balcony, and several pairs of amazed eyes turned on Buffy. She blushed.

"Let's move away from the railings, pet," Spike said. "We don't need an audience for this."

She turned to face him and folded her arms. "Don't need an audience for what, Spike? Your next vanishing act?"

He winced. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't make up for leaving again, but I had to. I didn't have a choice."

"Do you realize how much it hurt Dawn? When she woke up and found that you had already left? She cried for hours."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Did you cry?"

Buffy wanted to lie, to tell him, no, she hadn't cried. She hadn't shed one tear or thought about him a moment since. She hadn't feared for his pathetic life when the Big Man had slit his throat. She never dreamed about his broad hands touching her bare skin.

But the plea in his eyes was so earnest, so hopeful.

Buffy admitted defeat.

"Yes, I cried. Yes, I missed you. Happy now? You're good to have around in a fight, and I know I can always trust you with Dawn, and --"

Her rambling stopped abruptly as Spike took two long strides forward and smashed his lips against hers. There was nothing gentle about the kiss. He was demanding, desperate, his hands grabbing her shoulders to roughly pull her closer. Buffy found herself responding in kind, letting loose the pent-up frustration and pain and taking it all out on him. She bit at his lower lip, and he groaned into her mouth.

Just as suddenly, he pulled away, leaving her stunned and breathless.

"Buffy, I have to apologize to you," he said. "I did what I thought I had to, to save you. But I recently realized something important. No matter what, the Powers can't control us. They say I'll be the death of you. Literally. But we make our own future, and I want to be a part of yours. And Dawn's. If you'll still have me."

She chuckled. "How many times did you practice that speech?"

"Only a couple of times." He smiled as she raised her eyebrows. "OK, maybe about a hundred. I wanted to get it right."

"You got it right, Spike."

He leaned in closer, his lips a breath away from hers. "Forgive me?"

"No," she murmured, and he stared at her in disbelief. "You abandoned me, and Dawn, and everything we were building up to. You told me that night we spent together that I couldn't walk away after that, but you're the one who walked away, and it killed me." She fixed him with her most serious look. "I can't forgive you for leaving me, Spike. Not ever. But I will give you something else you want."

He asked, warily, "And that is?"

She reached her fingers into his hair and pulled his lips down to hers. This time, she controlled the kiss, and she made it last. Deep, leisurely, enjoying the sensation of his mouth, the smell of smoke and leather, the gentle caress of his palm on her neck. She trailed tiny kisses up his neck, to his ear, and whispered, "Try to leave me again, and I'll hunt you down and stake you. Got it?"

His body shook with silent laughter. "Not the most romantic proposal I've ever had, but--"

"Got it, Spike?"

"Of course, pet."

"Good. Then come downstairs with me. I'm sure the others are dying to know what's going on up here."

"Just as long as Xander doesn't try to stake me."

"He won't. But he does want his shirt back."

"What, that bloody awful Hawaiian thing?"

They continued their banter as they descended the stairs, but Buffy mostly focused on his hand tightly clasped in hers. It almost felt warm. Dawn rushed to meet them, the others close behind. As Buffy greeted her friends, for the first time since clawing her way out of her grave, she felt that maybe this living thing might not turn out so badly after all. Maybe she could even learn to like it.

For the first time in months, Buffy gave her friends a truly free and happy smile.

The end.

Author's note: You made it to the end! Bless you! Before putting this story to bed, I want to thank everyone who took a couple moments to send me feedback, and to all of you who showed so much patience with my weeks- long bouts of writer's block. I hope that wading through to the end of this piece was worth every second of your precious time.

-- Jennifer