23 Lairë, Luin'ithil (June 13th, Blue Moon.)
I have not written to you for quite some time, and of this, I am aware. Your numerous letters to me helped me to start this new one, Arwen. I thank you. It is just that… I get angry while writing these. Hah, the last time I grew so angered I drove a dagger into my leather-bound journal from the Quest… I even managed to get the blade into the table beneath it. Tis utterly childish of me to do so yet I am quick to anger these days, especially when it involves matters with him.
A visit from you would be most unnecessary, Lady. Please do not waste your time coming to see me when it is not needed. I acknowledge the offer, and I do thank you for your concern. I shall write as much as I may today also. Please bear with my scribing, I managed to hurt my writing hand out on a hunt…
I believe this was where I left off:
"45 Coirë, Carad'ithil (March 17, Red Moon.)
"He hurts me with his ever unceasing show of emotion. Can he not be true to me? Can he not tempt and taunt me any longer? My heart is being torn due thanks to his antics, and I grow weary of them. So riled has he gotten me—I made a crude effigy of him and burned it in a fire earlier this day; this is how much he has caused me pain. I wish to see him hurt. Be it emotionally or physically, I wish to seem him crying out in pain—pure suffering.
"Why—nay, how has he hurt me this time? Even after everything he had once shared with me, even recently, he still plans to wed the Evenstar! Aragorn told me he would release himself from her, but that dream can never be… How foolish can I be? Am I a mortal? If not, why then am I so naïve? I want answers to all these, and make haste—for someone, I beg of anyone to answer this!
"I cannot tell Aragorn how outraged I am. Even I know exactly why I cannot: I still love him. Though he has hurt me numerous times with his silken tongue, with his endless lies, I still love him. Blast! Blast being immortal and an elf! I shall be forced to bare this torment and knowledge until the end of my days! This—bitterness, how can it be residing in me? Nay, the love—I wish that to flee from my saddened heart for eternity!
"I fear that if he had not just taken me again that this would be easier to bear. Of course, it must be hard for my heart now, though. I shall not make an appearance at their wedding, however… I fear my very soul could not withstand seeing it… Their nuptial shall be in the coming of two moons. I hope that I shall be far away from their merriment by that time…"
"18 Lairë, Carad'ithil (June 8, Red Moon.)
"Two moons or so have passed, and this is the day they finally plan to wed. The wedding would have been sooner if it had not been for the foul weather (it's just a spot of rain!). I hoped I would be far away from this place, but nay—here I still yet am. Frodo and Gimli were my reasons to stay—I wanted to see Frodo when he was well, and Gimli seemed so fond of seeing Arwen once more. I sigh every minute it would seem, for my heart is heavy on my breast and it weighs me down. I am trying to numb myself, but it seems quite difficult. I am planning to leave unnoticed during the wedding when everyone is gathering. I also plan to go no place near Aragorn—I do not even wish to see him…"
"66 Lairë, Carad'ithil (July 26, Red Moon.)
"I have not written for quite some time due to my uncontrollable emotions. I could not steady my hand at times to write, but now I am glad to see that I can. As hoped, I escaped Gondor with no one giving me any notice. I grabbed my pack, shield, sword, bow and arrows and headed off. Of course, I did manage to catch a glance of Arwen in her splendor on my way out from an alley. My word, she was beautiful—her joy emanated from her and she sparkled underneath the sun. I am happy for her, truly.
"I am surprised no one even knew of my leaving. I am surprised Mithrandir did not stop me. However, I do not care—it was best that I went unnoticed and unheeded. There was no reason for any of them to adhere to my being there, for I did not wish to, nor was I deserving. Now I am somewhere near Rhún and its forests, hiding away for as long as I may. Conveniently enough, the dark creatures that once roamed over Rhún are now gone—killed because the One was destroyed. The One Ring was their creator, and since Sauron's soul was bound to it, his evils are dead. All is well now, I am living quite well, considering to where I could be at the moment…"
You were indeed beautiful, Arwen. I could have wept at the sight of you on that day, but my heart was blackened with disdain, hatred, sorrow, and remorse from your husband. An image of you on that day appears in my mind when I look upon the white Lily's of Lothlorien and I feel a light shine in me, for you were beauteous that day, mellonamin.
"69 Lairë, Carad'ithil (July 29, Red Moon.)
"I have been weeping for many days now, and I find myself feeling at loss and alone in this place. I do not wish to see people, be they elf or human, for I am afraid of what I may do if I look upon one. On the verge of inflicting wounds upon myself, I have decided to write—to put off the inevitable for a while longer. I cannot see at all, for my eyes are much to blurred with the moisture of sorrow and woe. I cannot formulate how I feel now. I shall try though… I must.
"Rueful and sorrowful am I. I regret leaving, I regret not telling him those three words… 'Amin mela lle.' O, why could I not have spoken them? I could—nay, should have muttered them to him before he did anything more to harm me further. I lost my pride when he broke my heart. I lost my trust in him. I still love him, but I hate him. With a passion.
"Ireful and enraged am I. I wish to lash out on someone—anything, just to see the look of hurt… To know they feel pain… To hope that maybe they can feel the pain that resides inside me now, to feel the curdling, sinking feeling inside. The feeling that makes my blood boil with hatred. Malice is surging within me…"
"Weary and run-down. From all the stress I have brought upon myself, I feel fatigued. Run-down and weary… It is very tiring to feel so much all at once—to try to rationalize all these feelings all at once. I can bear no longer to have them reside within me. I could sleep for days—for an eternity. That could not be long… besides; he would be dead in that time. Maybe then I could heal. If only…"
"I am heart-broken. Without a doubt. My heart has been torn in twice two pieces, and then some. The specks of sand upon a shore could not be the size of my heart, for they are dust, even thin as air. I feel more tears come again, and my stomach is beginning to somersault with hate and sorrow. I feel like I could retch up all of my internal organs. Maybe letting a wild beast feast on them would ease me.
"What the fates and Valar have foreordained has come upon me in torrents. I must quit writing, lest my blood be spilled upon these pages and further mar my existence…"
I hurt myself so badly that day I nearly died. Sometimes I wish I had though… Yet, Haldir is glad that I did not. Hearing that made me happy, I would guess. I must cease this letter Arwen. I hope to write you once more before…
Namaarië.
{Gondor, Present.}
Aragorn was stunned into being speechless. His heart sank, and he hurried to read on, in fear of what could happen next…
To be continued.
(the next chapter will probably be the last everyone—I'm glad you've enjoyed this!!)