I did enough disclaimerish/warningish rambles in the last chapter, didn't I?

Thank you to the lovely lovely people who reviewed me… I know it's kinda weird, but I'm also oddly proud of it, aren't I terrible?

Ready for the angst-fest? Cos here it comes!

It's been almost a full moon since the first time I went to the Captain's cabin, and I can see land. We should be there within a couple of hours.

I'm on lookout now, so I'm up in the crow's nest. Lots of time to think. Yeah, that's just what I need.

The trip's been fairly profitable, I guess. We gave chase to five ships, and caught two of them. These hands- these slender, girlish hands- wielded the cutlass that slew nine men. Nine.

It was strange… I've never really been in any fights before, not that I can remember. I was just standing there with a cutlass drooping uselessly from my hand as the cannon-shots were fired. And as the grappling hooks flew, I had just blinked in confusion. I grabbed a rope when everyone else did, swinging onto the other deck, and…

A man had run at me with a rapier-

The next thing I remember after that was standing in the midst of a red mess. My clothes were soaked with blood, and my arms were sore from swinging my blade. Some half-dozen of my shipmates made a semi-circle some distance around me, regarding me with an odd form of respect.

Tai had approached, clapping me on the shoulder- I seethe with hatred, just remembering it- and congratulated me on being a berserker.

"Matt? Hey, Matt!"

I feel a smile breaking across my face, this smile I only want to smile for TK. My brother's sweet little face, beaming with happiness, was peering over the edge of the 'nest. "C'mon up, little mon." This silly nickname I had for him, like a tiny monster, made us both smile.

"You're such a dumbass, Matt," he grins, humping up into the half-barrel and curling up into my side. TK's the only person that makes me happy by touching me- I feel loved, depended on.

"So, little mon, what up?" I ruffle his sunny hair.

He sighs heavily. "Matt… you always told me to tell you when someone tried to do something I didn't like."

My heart thuds. "What happened?"

"Beff tried to today. I told him that thing you said."

"Good kid, thassa way." I feel a little calmer, but not much. I've told him that so many times…

TK, if someone ever… tries to do something you don't like… or touch you someplace he shouldn't… keep away from him. Far away. And say to him, "Sir, my brother is very beautiful, and a great deal more skilled than me."

… but I'm still pissed. Now I'll have to… talk… with Beff. No, I'm not going to do that, just beat some sense into him.

And Tai.

Tai wasn't getting any for a long time.

I blink, realising that TK is talking to me. "Sorry, TK. What?"

He sighs. "Matt, why won't you tell me what you do? Some of the other sailors say really mean things about you. They call you names."

"They would," I shrug. "Don't worry, little mon."

"I am worried. Please tell me, Matt."

I wrap my arms around him. "I love you, TK. That's all you ever need to know, ever. I love you."

Tai grins at me as I descend the rigging. The is rocking as it descends, this cruddy old crate moored firmly to the wharf at Sneeton.

The force of my returning glare stuns him.

Not caring who sees, I leap down and, grabbing a fistful of Tai's shirt, I slam the Captain back against the foc'sle wall.

"What the-"

"We have an understanding, Captain, do we not?" I growl.

His eyes meet mine. "And we've both kept it up."

"One of us hasn't." I think I'm growling. "You control your men well, Taichi, but not well enough. Keep a tighter rein on Beff. Or no more. Ever."

He pushes me away roughly. Then, eyes still on my face, yells out, "Shore leave tonight, men!" He grabs my arm and, despite my vicious tug away, literally drags me back into his cabin.

"Let me go!" I yell as he slams the door behind us. "Dammit Taichi… I don't think you understand how serious I am."

"I'll talk to Beff," he promises roughly. "Yamato…" Tai pulls me close to him, fiercely holding me. "I'm gonna protect Takeru like he was my own little brother from now on. Like my own."

There's something in his eyes, underneath all the roughness and lust… fear. Not fear of violence; I think he likes that. And not even fear of no more sex. Tai's afraid that I'll leave. He's afraid of… of being cold, and alone, and unloved.

He wants me to love him.

Hmph.

But after all, my job is to give my clients what they want.

I swallow bile. I've had to do this one before; it's not as bad as some of the others.

"Matt- Matt!" He pulls me even tighter against him, his mouth hot on my neck. "Isn't that what you wanted, Matt?"

"Yes." I cup his cheek in my hand, pulling his face up to give a sad smile into his eyes. "That's some of it." Then, still hiding my revulsion, I lean forward and give him an open-mouthed, passionate kiss.

He's kissing me back just as thoroughly. His tongue is all through my mouth, and I have a hard fight against the urge to bite it off. I hate this part. I hate it.

When he eventually pulls back, Tai's eyes are shining. "Oh, Matt," he gasps.

Afterward, lying on his narrow bed, Tai cradles me against him. This part is worse than the act itself… I hate having to pretend that I care about someone.

"That was the best yet," he sighs.

And now I must joke with him, relax him. "I'm glad you appreciate my skills," I purr.

He's stroking my hair. It's irritating, but I tilt my head into his hand. "Oh, do I ever."

I'm doing little things to his chest to relax him. With any luck he'll nod off… and, in moments, that's what he does.

I slip out from his arms, grabbing a rag to quickly clean myself- swab the decks, matey- and pull my clothes back on. There, it's done for the night. I can leave. But first I find his purse and pull out a handful of small coins. I am his whore; if I need money, I'll take it.

A few of the crewmen are waiting outside. Joe, and Beff, and a couple of others whose names I don't know.

"You done fucking the Captain?" Beff snarls.

"He's done fucking me," I correct harshly, tucking the coins into my belt. "And now I really need a drink."

They stare at me, open-mouthed. I guess they didn't expect me to admit it so openly.

Joe's the first one to react. He claps my back, almost fondly. "You're an okay guy, Matt. Let's go get you that drink, huh?"

And suddenly the day seems a little brighter.

A crowded tavern. Probably the only one on this piss-little town on this snippet of an island. I'm sitting in the middle of a full bench, a few drinks under my belt. Hmph, I let TK have one glass of hard cider- after all, he is twelve now, and a pirate to boot- and the poor kid has fallen asleep already. He's snuggled up to my side.

I look over the table at Beff, who's trying to speak to me.

"Hey Ma'… TK said, he said-"

"Don't ever touch TK again," I growl softly. "If we need a ship's whore, then hire a whore, not a cabin boy. Nobody hurts my brother."

"I wasn't gonna hurt him. Jus' have a bit o'fun."

My fist moves of its own free will, and he topples slowly backwards.

Joe, sitting on my other side, grins. "Nice shot," he says appreciatively, swigging from his tankard. "So, you're with the Captain, huh?"

I snort. "I guess you could call it that."

"That'd be why he was warning everyone off of TK, then." Another swig. "We all thought he was just possessive. I hadn't actually pegged you for the type."

"Which type would that be?"

He gives me a flat look. "The type who's into guys. I mean, I'm not criticising or anything- I'm pretty into Izzy myself, as you know." Izzy rubs up against his other side, and I think I might barf. "But a lot of guys don't like that sorta stuff."

I drain my tankard in one pull. "You seem to have made the assumption that I like it."

Joe blinks. "Why would you do it if you don't like it?" He's genuinely baffled.

Sighing, I scruffle TK's hair, not hard enough to wake him up. "This is why. It's the only way I can make sure TK keeps his brightness."

Joe nods slowly.

"I know what I'm doing, and working through Tai like this is the only way I can defend TK." I take a deep swig. "But anything's better than the way it was. At least now it's only one man. And he doesn't have any particularly nasty tastes."

"Matt… you've done this kinda thing before?" He seems sympathetic, oddly enough.

I shrug. "It's how I brought me'n'TK up. Our parents died when he was just a baby." I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but now that I've started, the words just keep spilling out. "We spent a year or so just begging, barely staying alive, but then TK started getting sick… I was worried to death. TK was all I had left and he was dying!"

"That's harsh, man."

"That was when Madame Sora showed up. She offered to give us a place to stay, and she had a doctor to make TK better, if I wanted to work for her. So I did." I sigh. "I hated it. I still do. I hate it so much."

Izzy leans across. "Well hey, why did you sign up with the Raven if you knew this was gonna happen?"

Again, I sigh. "We had to get out of there. That day. Sora had been pressuring us for years to get TK working as well. She'd made an appointment for him with one of the regulars, that night. I had to get him away."

They both nod sagely. "Well, I guess that's fair enough," Izzy agrees. "So you're just waiting till we get to Arrady, and then you're gonna jump ship, right? That's what I'd do."

"That's pretty much it," I nod.

Izzy gives me a sorry glance. "Another two months," he comments. "It's gonna be rough."

On that note, I proceed to drink myself into a stupor.