Who's My Baka?!
Disclamier: Neither FF7 nor anything from "The Dating Game" belong to me. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and enjoy! *Bows and walks away, but then comes back* Heh...Molly-chan, I know you'll like this! *Grins like an idiot before walking away*
Cid: Welcome to this (*&^% show!!! This is the game where dumb@$$es can actuall get a )*&$^% date!!! (pulls out a cigarette and lights it) First of all, let's welcome the desperate b***hes that want this moron!!!
Audience: (claps and cheers while looking at the three women that are sitting on their respective stools)
Cid: As you can )*&(^%# see, the ladies are separated from me and will be separated from our guest by that big@$$ wall! First, let's welcome bachelorette number one, Tifa Lockhart!
Tifa: (waves at the crowd while smiling) Hey! ^_^
Cid: Tell us about yourself, damn it! (Thinks, "As if we already don't know..." )
Tifa: Well, I'm twenty years old, I've lived in Nibelheim until some stupid @$$hole burned it down, then I went on to live in some crappy metropolis that stinks! Not to mention, I can kick a lot of butt! (winks)
Cid: Good for you... Next up, bachelorette number two!
Aeris: (has a pink flower in her hair and gracefully bows while sitting in her stool)
Cid: You know the routine, chick! Talk!
Aeris: Well, I'm twenty-two years old, and I've pretty much lived in the slums while waiting for my knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet! Then again, I think I found him already... (Giggles)
Tifa: (Thinks, "That b***h better not mean who I think she means...wait, that reminds me...why am I even here?" )
Cid: Yyyyyyyyeah... (Thinks, "What a psycho..." ) Anyway, here's our final bachelorette...Yuffie Kisa...ragi...?! THAT THIEVING WHORE?!?!?!?!
Yuffie: HEY!!! I RESENT THAT!!!!
Cid: NO!!! YOU CAN'T BE ON THE G*****N SHOW!!! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE BEFORE I HAVE TO THROW YOUR THIEVING @$$ OUTTA HERE!!!!!
Yuffie: (Looks like she's going to cry) --sniff-- I just want a chance to win something... Is that so wrong...?
Audience: Awwwwww...
Cid: Fine...you can stay, but don't steal anything!
Yuffie: Okay!!! ^_^ Now i can finally get the magical balls I've been waiting for so long!!!
All: (Sweatdrop)
Yuffie: What? I just want the materia this guy's gonna bring out! What, doesn't anybody carry that anymore??? (Looks around, feeling lost)
Cid: Uh...ok then... Let's bring out the "lucky" guy!!!
Audience: (Cheers loudly)
Cid: Today's baka is a spiky-haired son of a b***h that comes from a burnt out piece of crap town!
???: (Backstage) HEY!!!!!
Cid: Shut the hell up!!! Ahem...welcome today's dumb@$$, Cloud Strife!!!
Cloud: (walks onto the set, muttering something about an old fart)
Tifa: (gasps and blushes)
Aeris: (Thinks, "It's him!!!", and blushes furiously)
Yuffie: (Thinks, "Eh...sounds like an easy job..." )
Female half of the audience: (Hoots and hollars)
Cloud: (turns red and waves)
Cid: Welcome, Spike! No need to tell us about yourself since the silence on the right side of the damn wall tells us these ladies already know ya!
Cloud: Ooo...this'll be interesting! Come on!!! Please?
Cid: SIT YOUR @$$ DOWN!!
Cloud: (Sits still)
Cid: First question!!! Go Spike!!!
Cloud: Let's mosey!!!
Cid: Damn, again?! Can't you say 'Move out' or something?!
Cloud: But we're not going anywhere...
Cid: ASK THE ()*&^% QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: FINE!!! (Thinks, "Meanie...") Bachelorette number one!
Tifa: Hmm?
Cloud: If we were driving in a limo at about 77 mph and there was a brick wall ahead of us with only ten seconds before crashing, what would you tell me, and why?
Tifa: o.O
Cid: Spike...?
Cloud: Yeah?
Cid: WHAT KIND OF )*&^%*#_ QUESTION WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!
Cloud: My own! ^_^
Tifa: Erm...I'd tell you how much I wanted you...and...and...and...to jump the hell out of the window because we were about to be smashed up like a chocobo turd!
Cloud: Ooo...good answer! Bachelorette number two! Same question!
Aeris: First off, I would tell you that you were the sweetest guy in the world for taking me for a ride in a limo, and I would put a flower in your hair and I wou--
Cloud: (Yawns) Boring...
Aeris: Please let me finish...and I would also take my Princess Guard, smash the windshield, grab you by the collar, and throw you out of the limo with enough time for me to jump out as well.
Cloud: Very good!!!
Aeris: Thank you...
Cloud: Bachelorette number three! Same question!
Yuffie: Well, since nobody else can figure this out, I'd just stop the limo with the brakes! DUH!!!
All: ...
Yuffie: And...I'd tell you that your materia was cool.
Cloud: BINGO!!! (Grins)
Aeris & Tifa: Hmmph...
Cid: (Sweatdrops) You are such a ()*&^$%---- (Trap door opens up under him, making him fall into the abyss) ----FUUUUUUUUUUUUU.......... --Clang--
All: ...
CloudS: (Walks in from backstage holding a pen) That's IT!!! I'm taking over!!! That SOB cusses way too much...
Cloud: Hey! You stole my look!
CloudS: Problem?
Cloud: Yeah!
CloudS: (Snaps his fingers)
Cloud: (Is suddenly in the dress he wore to rescue Tifa in Wall Market) ...
Barret: (In the audience) You look so pretty!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
CloudS: Quiet! (Snaps his fingers)
Barret: (Is suddenly in his "little" sailor suit) ...I pity da foo' dat puts da B-man in a sailor suit...
Cloud: GET ME OUT OF THIS!!!
CloudS: (Snaps his fingers)
Cloud: (Is back in his SOLDIER uniform)
Barret: What 'bout me, damn it?!
CloudS: You stay that way!!!
Barret: (Sulks)
CloudS: I'm the new host here! Cid cusses WAY too much so I'm taking over! Anyway, please continue, counterpart.
Cloud: Erm...ok! Bachelorette number one! If I happened to be choking on a chicken wing at a restaurant with an empty bottle and a marble up my nose, what song would you sing to me?
CloudS: o.O (Thinks, "What...the hell is he thinking?!?!" )
Tifa: ....... (Sweatdrops) ...Um..."Chop Suey"...?
Cloud: Bachelorette number two! Same question!
Aeris: Um...I...uh..."Justify my Love"..........?
Male half of the audience: (Has flashback of the music video while drooling)
Cloud: OOOO!!!! I...I...I...I...I................never heard of it...
Aeris, Tifa, & Yuffie: (Fall over)
CloudS: Ladies? (Walks over to the other side of the wall) Y'all ok?
Aeris & Tifa: IT'S CLOUD!!!!!!! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^
CloudS: ... (Thinks, "This disguise works too well...", snaps his fingers, and changes into Tenchi)
Ryoko: (From the audience) TENCHI!!! MY TENCHI!!! ^_^_^_^_^
Aeka: (Ditto) DEMON!!! LEAVE LORD TENCHI ALONE!!!
CloudS: (sighs, snaps his fingers, and turns into a teenage boy with dark hair and glasses, wearing a blue shirt and blue jeans)
All: ...
Cloud: YAY!!! I'M UNIQUE!!! ^_^
CloudS: Let's continue..........
Cloud: Bachelorette number three! Same question!
Yuffie: Doesn't anyone have common sense anymore? Reach down your throat and pull the stupid wing out! Along with a few other things...but that's besides the point, ok?
Cloud: ,...
Yuffie: Oh yeah, I'd sing "A Place for my Head"....Happy?
Cloud: VERY! Wait...no I'm not...D'OH! Yes I am! ^_^
CloudS: (Thinks, "And I thought I was a baka..." )
Cloud: Question number three! Bachelorette number one!
Tifa: Hmm...?
Cloud: If I gave you bouquet of flowers....
Tifa: Whew...
Cloud: ....what would you say to Frankenstein's monster and the creature from the black lagoon, and why?
CloudS: (Thinks, "These questions make no sense whatsoever..." )
Tifa: (Sweatdrops) ........Run.
Cloud: Bachel----
Aeris: Run.
Cloud: Ba---
Yuffie: Kick a lot of @$$!
Cloud: OOOOO!!! I pick her!!!
CloudS: AND WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!!
Tifa & Aeris: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! HE PICKED THAT PIECE OF WUTAI PIECE OF TRASH?!?!?!?!?!
Yuffie: (Gets PO'd, pulls out a green materia, and casts Sleep on Tifa & Aeris)
Tifa: (Falls off of her stool, dead to the world) ...zzz...Oh...Cloud...zzz...n (Giggles)
Aeris: (Ditto) ...zzz...Take my flower...Cloudy...zzz... (rolls over)
Yuffie: (Sweatdrops) Dummies... (Skips out towards Cloud) Hiya!
Cloud: Erm...don't I know you from somewhere?
Yuffie: (Sees the materia pouch on Cloud's waist, then puts on a wide smile) Silly Cloud! I'm your love thief!
Cloud: Oh...ok! (Grins like an idiot and walks out hand in hand with Yuffie)
Yuffie: (Snickers as she plots to steal Cloud's materia)
CloudS: That was........weird... (Looks at Tifa & Aeris sleeping on the floor) CLEAN-UP CREW!!!!!!!!!
(The Turks come out from backstage and pick up the sleeping beauties)
Elena: Hey Reno...
Reno: What?
Elena: How come we got stuck being the clean-up crew?
Rude: (Nods as if asking the same thing)
Reno: The author said he wouldn't put us through complete hell if we did.
Tseng: I only have one line.....and this is it.....$#!+.....
Elena: Don't worry Tsengy......I'll make you feel better after the show...
Reno: Ewwww....Elena...don't say that in front of this audience!
Elena: Stop acting so weak, Reno!
Reno: Hey...that's my line!
Rude: ...
Reno: Let's just get these chicks outta here!
(The Turks carry the sleeping bodies of Tifa & Aeris out of the building)
CloudS: Well...that takes care of that!
Cid: (Walks out from backstage in tattered clothing, looking extremely PO'd) F-----------------------------------K YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CloudS: Tsk...tsk...tsk.... Would you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Cid: I'm gonna get even with ya, ya )(*^&*)!!!! Since we all know how shy you really are, you're our next contestant!!!!!!!!!!!
CloudS: I don't think so... (Snaps his fingers, but nothing happens) What the...?
Cid: (Smirks) This wasn't an order...this was a g*****n request!!!
CloudS: ........Wha........? (Is suddenly sitting on a stool) Gah...
Vincent: (Walks out from backstage and sits on a stool next to CloudS with a James Bond attitude) ...Valentine.....Vincent Valentine... And you are...?
CloudS: ...Out....Freaked out...
Sephiroth: (Walks out from backstage with his Masamune unsheathed and sits down next to CloudS) Why am I even here...? I could be killing that freark of a flower girl!
CloudS: O...k?
Cid: And here's out next contestant!!!------------wha?
Stagehand: (Runs out from backstage and whispers something in Cid's ear)
Cid: Hell no! Secrecy's no good here!
Stagehand: (Shrugs and runs backstage)
Cid: Our next contestant is a hyper girl that nobody can handle! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Molly!
CloudS: o_O
Chestnut Wind: (Giggles) Hiya!
CloudS: Heh...
Cid: First question!
Chestnut Wind: Alright then! Bachelor number one!
Vincent: Mmm...yes my dear?
Chestnut Wind: Erm...ok... If I was a tree, what kind would you like me to be?
Vincent: I desire a woman...not a plant...
Chestnut Wind: ....O.....k then? Bachelor number three, same question!
Sephiroth: How about a tree I can chop down? After all, you sound like that cursed flower girl...
Chestnut Wind: (Sweatdrops) Um...bachelor number two! Same question!
CloudS: Um...a...midget tree?
Chestnut Wind: BINGO! ^_^
CloudS: (Grins like an idiot)
Cid: (Thinks, "These people are screwed up..." )
Chestnut Wind: Bachelor number three! What's your favorite food and who would you throw it at?
Sephiroth: (Sweatdrops and thinks, "What kind of a question is that???" ) Eh...I'd say it'd be a fine delicacy of Peking Duck followed by a delicious dessert of Chocolate Mousse...
Chestnut Wind: ...
Sephiroth: Oh yeah...I'd throw it at that failure of a puppet, Cloud...
Chestnut Wind: (Growls)
Sephiroth: Is there a wolf in here? I thought I heard one...
Chestnut Wind: Anyway...Bachelor number one...same question.
Vincent: (Is too busy admiring himself in mini-mirror)
Chestnut Wind: Let's move on...bachelor number two! Same question!
CloudS: I'd just have pizza! I wouldn't throw it at anybody------------because I'd be the main target! (Grins)
Chestnut Wind: (Thinks, "I like this guy's answers..." ) Final question! Who should I pick?
Vincent: (Has fallen asleep with his mirror clutched tightly to his chest) ...zzz...I should get the girl...and the tank...and the rifle...zzz...
Sephiroth: Not me! (Makes a face and runs away and hugs Jenova in the audience) SAVE ME MOMMY!!!!
Jenova: (Makes slurping noises and slaps the crap out of Sephiroth with her tentacles)
Sephiroth: OUCHIES!!!!!!!!
CloudS: OOOOOO!!!!!!! Me! Pick me!!!
Chestnut Wind: Alright then! Bachelor number two, come out here! (Thinks, "As if I didn't know who was back there...I gotta thank Cid for setting this up for me!" )
CloudS: (Walks out from behind the wall, grinning like an idiot) Ooo...
Chestnut Wind: (Hugs CloudS tightly)
CloudS: ...Can't...breathe..... --cough-- (Mentally smirks)
Chestnut Wind: Mwahaha...you're mine! ^_^
CloudS: Heh...aren't I always? (Grins)
Chestnut Wind: (Drags CloudS backstage and that's all there is to it)
Cid: (Has a strange look in his face) Uh...well...that's the $)*(^% show kiddies! maybe we'll have another show...depending on our ratings... (Grumbles) ...and maybe we'll have smarter people next time! GOOD BYE, DAMN IT!!!
(Lights go out as Cid and the audience leave)
Barret: (Is still sitting down in bleachers) ...Could anybody hell me out here? I hate 'dis damn sailor suit! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! *()&^$)*&^)$_()&$ AND A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN TOO!!!!!!!! (Stays on the bleachers and sulks)
Vincent: ...zzz... (Is obviously still asleep as we now fade to black)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, how'd ya like this? 'Tis another story from the mind of the baka of the year! *Grins* If ya want, you can send your comments to Cloud_S_@excite.com, but I'd prefer if you left a review for this lil' ol' fanfic on this site... Please R&R? Please???