Disclaimer: Read my lips- I do not own Phantom of the Opera
Chapter Six: …Inside my mind….
CHRISTINE-
The wind was softer than a lovers caress on my cheek as I galloped to the train station.
Defying Raoul wasn't easy. For far too long I had been his slave, his doll. Pretty, cared for, perfect, and utterly lifeless. It seemed fate wanted to rob me of all happiness. First, my father, the wonderful musician, had forced me to grow up overnight after his death. Then, Erik had come and stolen both my heart and mind from me in his disguise of my "Angel of Music". Raoul, my childhood sweetheart, had appeared out of nowhere shortly after that. And chaos had broken out in a mad frenzy of deception and truths, betrayal and heartache. The ending was fit for the greatest tragedy around, where my beloved villain had released the damsel in spite of his love for me and my prince had carried me off, leaving my heart behind.
Indeed, I loved Raoul- I still do, but he is nothing more than a best friend to me. When he wants me to come with him to bed, it is awkward and almost programmed. There is no love from my end and sometimes I wonder- if there is love from his anymore.
Love had been stripped from my body, bit by bit over the years. My father's death had been a great blow and caused quite a grand amount of damage on my weak heart. But time had done its wonders and had lessened the pain. I never healed fully though, tears still slip from my eyes when I see a happy father and daughter walk out of mass.
And then Erik, my angel and love, had been taken away from me as well by his own command! He had chosen what he assumed was the better path. Who was he to choose what is better for me! Who is he to ASSUME! But I believe that Erik forgot to comprehend that living in a gilded cage was no better than being condemned to darkness. I would have lived in hell to stay by his side!
Marguerite had then taken ill after that dreadful drop into the freezing lake. The sickness had taken its toll on her lungs and she was not allowed to run and play hide-and-go-seek with the other children. She grew up that year, so young… She was more of a mother to Jillian than I.
But then, fate had been cruel enough to not only twist the knife in my bleeding heart, but to stab ferociously at my first child's. Jillian had been found in the barn near our house dead. She was brutally beaten and raped until her tormentor had crushed her ribcage around her heart. Jillian was only seven years old…
Marguerite had been found in the field nearby, unconscious, as if the cruel man had decided not to bother and had left her there to die. It almost killed Marguerite when she heard of her sister's death. And her grief added to my own. Marguerite's comatose state lasted for almost three months before she finally slipped back into a normal routine again. But even then she was no longer the same, the veil of childish ignorance had been raised from her eyes and she saw all.
I had given birth to Tobias a month later…
He was two years old when Marguerite ran away. That day had been strange as if trouble had been waiting to pounce on my grief-stricken family.
I had given the opera to Marguerite for her birthday several months before in a fit of insanity. I longed to snatch it back but when I saw my daughter's eyes light up when she read it I couldn't bare the thought. Sometimes, I would hear her humming the music from across the house and I would stop whatever I was doing, no matter how important, and stood outside her door to listen. Her voice drew me in way that made me shiver in comparison…
Music had left a strong imprint on my daughter. She was also more graceful than I and at least twice as smart. Sometimes, I believe, she even baffled Raoul to stupidity. She had a great amount of understanding and acceptance.
But since both her mother and father were ill tempered, she had her fits of rage. Her eyes would light up in a strange manor and then she would stomp to her room and slam the door. In a few minutes the sounds of an angry violin would be heard coming from her chamber and would again draw me, no matter how wicked the song, to stand outside her door.
She was skilled in many instruments but the organ seemed to be her favorite, the violin came in second. I loved to sit and listen to her after meals. I would disappear to a time and place where I was far more innocent and my Maestro was handing me the heart of Paris on a silver platter.
It was on one of those days that Marguerite had been banished from her own home…
I was listening to her play to some classical song in which I cannot name and then suddenly it became something completely different. Then notes twisted until I heard the familiar cords from the song "Past the Point of No Return". And that's when Raoul decided to make an appearance. And he was enraged in an instant.
"Marguerite, you will stop playing that gibberish this instant!" he glared at his elder daughter.
"Papa, why must I stop? It's beautiful music," she matched his stare easily.
"It is demon music. You will do as I say and stop,"
"No," she simply let the word slip through her lips as she leaned over the piano further. Her soul was almost visible as it poured into the music. I could no longer resist the calling of the song and began to sing along.
Raoul was utterly pissed. There was no better way to describe it.
"You wretched demon!" he screamed when he saw that I had been pulled into the song. He then did something I never thought he would do. He hit Marguerite. Now, this was no slap. It was a curled fist right into her right eye.
… I closed everything out after that…
I know what happened no need to pull it back to present mind.
Tobias had gotten sick in Marguerite's absence. His body was small and easy for the virus to venture through and evacuate within days. He died in my arms.
Now my heart is simply a barely recognizable pulp that beats because fate wills it to.
As I ride closer to the train station, I pray that God will either give me the love that I crave for or release me from it…
RAOUL-
I watched as Christine rode off on her white mare. Where is she going?
**She is leaving you! Stop her!**
How? First, Marguerite ran away and now Christine…
**It is Marguerite that pulls Christine away… You should have killed her when you had the chance!**
What! I could never kill my own daughter- she didn't do anything… I just can't understand why she ran away in the first place…
**Don't you remember- she was playing that Monster's music… **
I… I…
**You Fool! Get it through your thick skull! You screwed everything up! Christine has run away from you because of Marguerite! You should have killed her… you should have killed her long ago- just like how you killed- **
NO! I didn't kill her. No… and I wont kill Marguerite… she's my daughter…
**You must… If you don't she'll take Christine away from you forever… just like how that blasted Phantom would have… she's a demonic whore- you'd be doing her a favor by killing her!**
If I killed her… Christine would stay with me… forever?
**Yes, for all eternity- till death do us part- remember? And no one would take her away… and everything would be perfect- just like before…**
And all I have to do is kill Marguerite?
**Yes… if it makes you feel better you can kill her quick. And Marguerite's soul would be released from the demon that holds her body hostage…**
So I would be helping everyone by killing Marguerite?
**Yes… just a quick pull of a trigger and all will be well…**
I'll do it then.
**That's a good boy. Now hurry, we must catch up with Christine…**
Yes, we must hurry. Don't worry Christine everything will be all right… Just as soon as I kill Marguerite…
**Just as soon as you kill Marguerite…**
ERIK-
A daughter… I have a daughter. My God, that makes me a father! I was completely shocked and I blanked out. When I came to, Marguerite was staring at me with a concerned expression on her face. I had fainted- me! The Phantom of the Opera, the Opera Ghost fainted like a little girl! Ha! I hope none of the ballet rats get a whiff of this!
"Are you all right?" she looked weary; she should rest.
"Perhaps you should rest… you look tired, little one." I told her, oddly concerned.
She smirked, "Trying to rid of me? All ready?"
"No. I just need some time…"
She nodded in understanding, "To think?"
"Yes."
She nodded at my simple answer. Her eyes were unreadable and in that instant I wanted more than ever to know what she was thinking. All was revealed to me when she spoke.
"You don't want me, do you? You're utterly disgusted and shamed that I'm your daughter. You hate the idea, don't you? You just want to wretch with revulsion, don't you! Just like every one else! Just like everyone else…" the last line was a strained whisper as her body started to shake with silent sobs.
And in that moment I understood. This child was just like me, starved of love- refused the only thing she wanted. In that moment I saw all my pain as a child reflected in her eyes. Her emotions collided and collapsed, flooding her eyes with tears. Sobbing, she sat alone on the cold bed. In a natural reaction with little hesitation I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her into my lap rocking her back and forth. Though she has the mind of an adult, she still has a child's heart. So fragile, I was so afraid she'd break at my trust. Yet, I seemed to give her comfort as little as it was. I shushed her and ran my fingers down her back in soothing circles until her breathing evened and her tears had dried on her smooth cheeks.
I laid her in her bed and tucked her in as if I had done it everyday of my life. I even kissed her forehead- unconsciously it seemed.
I sat in my great leather chair as I thought. Marguerite was my daughter. My daughter… oh, this is wonderful! I may have been denied loving parents but I would not be denied being a loving parent. Nothing could possibly be more wonder-
Oh no…
Marguerite's dying…
Funny, how bliss can disappear in a matter of two words…
**Is it written in the stars? Are we paying for some crime? Is that all that we are good for, just a stretch of mortal time?**
Is this a punishment… for all that I have done? For the murders I have committed, for the joy I received from doing it? For the murders I would have committed if it were not for my vow to Nadir? Am I that much of a monster to be denied a family in any shape or form? It seemed as though fate or God or whoever was yakking it up was certainly having fun screwing up my life.
**Or some gods experiment, in which we have no say?**
So, this is what it feels like to be a chess piece. I'm in danger… I better make the right move before the check is stated or all is lost. God has turned my life into a game and warped it so that the ones I love are sucked in too. If I was damned from the start why must I spread my darkness onto others? Why can't fate just let me have paradise for one day?
**In which we're given paradise, but only for a day**
Marguerite is going to die, but by God if it kills me she will be happy as she takes that last breath!
MARGUERITE-
The world is spinning and twisting around me. Blue swirls into red which swirls to yellow which swirls to black. Black eerie darkness lies below my feet. I realize I'm having the dream again.
(*)
I'm on a cliff staring down into the still, dark waters of an uncharted and seemingly bottomless pool. The landscape of surrounding rocks seemed to be sneering and forbidding, completely evil looking, reeking of menace which makes me want to turn and run home to my mother.
And yet I remain, shivering at the bite of chill in the air, and staring into that dark pool below me. The pool is guarded by a giant sea spider who lurks unseen below the surface; and yet I know that beyond this hideous guardian of the depths, Neptune waits silently for me upon a golden throne, waits to crown me as his queen with a tiara of flawless black pearls. I know that if I can only kneel at his feet he will except me into his embrace and the two clumsy appendages I call legs shall be transformed into a mermaid's graceful tail. A thousand sea horses will form the litter that carries us through the wonderful splendors of his world to the palace of white coral where I will live forever and ever.
All I have to do is jump…
(*)
I have had this dream for many nights and I have always lacked the courage. But now as I gaze into the black waters below I realize that the land behind me is receding at a dangerous rate. Time is running out and I must make the right decision…
So I jump…
And I fall
And fall
And fall
For ages at a time…
Until the icy waters envelop me in their iron arms, paralyzing me to stillness. Slowly I sink… or am I rising? In the black waters it is hard to determine which way was the surface and which way was just pulling me towards my coffin. The lack of oxygen started to wrap iron bands around my already weak lungs pulling tighter each second. I couldn't breathe… I had to reach the surface soon or I would die. A scary thought appeared in my head in that moment of time,
Did I want to reach the surface?
Bubbles floated up past my feet; do I follow them to breath in the sweet air of life, or do I simply swim deeper into the sweet oblivion's dark embrace? It would be so easy to just give in, stop fighting, throw in the towel, and sleep in eternal bliss. But what would that do to my mother? To my new found father?
Whichever bridge I was about to cross I had to do it soon because fate was starting to choose for me. I was ready to be released from it all… to be left in peace in my solitude...
**Marguerite… come back to me! Marguerite!**
A voice of an angel was calling me from the surface.
**Come back to me! Please, don't die on me!**
I had to go back… I swam up after the bubbles… struggling out of deaths cold embrace to the surface. It was so close and when my head broke through the water's hold I sucked in a deep breath of fresh oxygen and my eyes flew open…
And I was in my bed
In Erik's home
And he looked as if he was ready to cry from both pain and relief.
And we did…
We cried.
And Neptune would have to wait…
But soon I would join him…
Soon.
~*~
Special Credits:
-In Erik's thinking process he comes along the verses of a song.
"Is it written in the stars… only for a day."
Is from the musical, Aida. I Do Not own it.
- In Marguerite's thinking process she talks of a reoccurring dream. In between the two stars (*) is an adaptation to a dream Christine has on pages 375-6 in Susan Kay's novel, Phantom.
Chapter Six: …Inside my mind….
CHRISTINE-
The wind was softer than a lovers caress on my cheek as I galloped to the train station.
Defying Raoul wasn't easy. For far too long I had been his slave, his doll. Pretty, cared for, perfect, and utterly lifeless. It seemed fate wanted to rob me of all happiness. First, my father, the wonderful musician, had forced me to grow up overnight after his death. Then, Erik had come and stolen both my heart and mind from me in his disguise of my "Angel of Music". Raoul, my childhood sweetheart, had appeared out of nowhere shortly after that. And chaos had broken out in a mad frenzy of deception and truths, betrayal and heartache. The ending was fit for the greatest tragedy around, where my beloved villain had released the damsel in spite of his love for me and my prince had carried me off, leaving my heart behind.
Indeed, I loved Raoul- I still do, but he is nothing more than a best friend to me. When he wants me to come with him to bed, it is awkward and almost programmed. There is no love from my end and sometimes I wonder- if there is love from his anymore.
Love had been stripped from my body, bit by bit over the years. My father's death had been a great blow and caused quite a grand amount of damage on my weak heart. But time had done its wonders and had lessened the pain. I never healed fully though, tears still slip from my eyes when I see a happy father and daughter walk out of mass.
And then Erik, my angel and love, had been taken away from me as well by his own command! He had chosen what he assumed was the better path. Who was he to choose what is better for me! Who is he to ASSUME! But I believe that Erik forgot to comprehend that living in a gilded cage was no better than being condemned to darkness. I would have lived in hell to stay by his side!
Marguerite had then taken ill after that dreadful drop into the freezing lake. The sickness had taken its toll on her lungs and she was not allowed to run and play hide-and-go-seek with the other children. She grew up that year, so young… She was more of a mother to Jillian than I.
But then, fate had been cruel enough to not only twist the knife in my bleeding heart, but to stab ferociously at my first child's. Jillian had been found in the barn near our house dead. She was brutally beaten and raped until her tormentor had crushed her ribcage around her heart. Jillian was only seven years old…
Marguerite had been found in the field nearby, unconscious, as if the cruel man had decided not to bother and had left her there to die. It almost killed Marguerite when she heard of her sister's death. And her grief added to my own. Marguerite's comatose state lasted for almost three months before she finally slipped back into a normal routine again. But even then she was no longer the same, the veil of childish ignorance had been raised from her eyes and she saw all.
I had given birth to Tobias a month later…
He was two years old when Marguerite ran away. That day had been strange as if trouble had been waiting to pounce on my grief-stricken family.
I had given the opera to Marguerite for her birthday several months before in a fit of insanity. I longed to snatch it back but when I saw my daughter's eyes light up when she read it I couldn't bare the thought. Sometimes, I would hear her humming the music from across the house and I would stop whatever I was doing, no matter how important, and stood outside her door to listen. Her voice drew me in way that made me shiver in comparison…
Music had left a strong imprint on my daughter. She was also more graceful than I and at least twice as smart. Sometimes, I believe, she even baffled Raoul to stupidity. She had a great amount of understanding and acceptance.
But since both her mother and father were ill tempered, she had her fits of rage. Her eyes would light up in a strange manor and then she would stomp to her room and slam the door. In a few minutes the sounds of an angry violin would be heard coming from her chamber and would again draw me, no matter how wicked the song, to stand outside her door.
She was skilled in many instruments but the organ seemed to be her favorite, the violin came in second. I loved to sit and listen to her after meals. I would disappear to a time and place where I was far more innocent and my Maestro was handing me the heart of Paris on a silver platter.
It was on one of those days that Marguerite had been banished from her own home…
I was listening to her play to some classical song in which I cannot name and then suddenly it became something completely different. Then notes twisted until I heard the familiar cords from the song "Past the Point of No Return". And that's when Raoul decided to make an appearance. And he was enraged in an instant.
"Marguerite, you will stop playing that gibberish this instant!" he glared at his elder daughter.
"Papa, why must I stop? It's beautiful music," she matched his stare easily.
"It is demon music. You will do as I say and stop,"
"No," she simply let the word slip through her lips as she leaned over the piano further. Her soul was almost visible as it poured into the music. I could no longer resist the calling of the song and began to sing along.
Raoul was utterly pissed. There was no better way to describe it.
"You wretched demon!" he screamed when he saw that I had been pulled into the song. He then did something I never thought he would do. He hit Marguerite. Now, this was no slap. It was a curled fist right into her right eye.
… I closed everything out after that…
I know what happened no need to pull it back to present mind.
Tobias had gotten sick in Marguerite's absence. His body was small and easy for the virus to venture through and evacuate within days. He died in my arms.
Now my heart is simply a barely recognizable pulp that beats because fate wills it to.
As I ride closer to the train station, I pray that God will either give me the love that I crave for or release me from it…
RAOUL-
I watched as Christine rode off on her white mare. Where is she going?
**She is leaving you! Stop her!**
How? First, Marguerite ran away and now Christine…
**It is Marguerite that pulls Christine away… You should have killed her when you had the chance!**
What! I could never kill my own daughter- she didn't do anything… I just can't understand why she ran away in the first place…
**Don't you remember- she was playing that Monster's music… **
I… I…
**You Fool! Get it through your thick skull! You screwed everything up! Christine has run away from you because of Marguerite! You should have killed her… you should have killed her long ago- just like how you killed- **
NO! I didn't kill her. No… and I wont kill Marguerite… she's my daughter…
**You must… If you don't she'll take Christine away from you forever… just like how that blasted Phantom would have… she's a demonic whore- you'd be doing her a favor by killing her!**
If I killed her… Christine would stay with me… forever?
**Yes, for all eternity- till death do us part- remember? And no one would take her away… and everything would be perfect- just like before…**
And all I have to do is kill Marguerite?
**Yes… if it makes you feel better you can kill her quick. And Marguerite's soul would be released from the demon that holds her body hostage…**
So I would be helping everyone by killing Marguerite?
**Yes… just a quick pull of a trigger and all will be well…**
I'll do it then.
**That's a good boy. Now hurry, we must catch up with Christine…**
Yes, we must hurry. Don't worry Christine everything will be all right… Just as soon as I kill Marguerite…
**Just as soon as you kill Marguerite…**
ERIK-
A daughter… I have a daughter. My God, that makes me a father! I was completely shocked and I blanked out. When I came to, Marguerite was staring at me with a concerned expression on her face. I had fainted- me! The Phantom of the Opera, the Opera Ghost fainted like a little girl! Ha! I hope none of the ballet rats get a whiff of this!
"Are you all right?" she looked weary; she should rest.
"Perhaps you should rest… you look tired, little one." I told her, oddly concerned.
She smirked, "Trying to rid of me? All ready?"
"No. I just need some time…"
She nodded in understanding, "To think?"
"Yes."
She nodded at my simple answer. Her eyes were unreadable and in that instant I wanted more than ever to know what she was thinking. All was revealed to me when she spoke.
"You don't want me, do you? You're utterly disgusted and shamed that I'm your daughter. You hate the idea, don't you? You just want to wretch with revulsion, don't you! Just like every one else! Just like everyone else…" the last line was a strained whisper as her body started to shake with silent sobs.
And in that moment I understood. This child was just like me, starved of love- refused the only thing she wanted. In that moment I saw all my pain as a child reflected in her eyes. Her emotions collided and collapsed, flooding her eyes with tears. Sobbing, she sat alone on the cold bed. In a natural reaction with little hesitation I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her into my lap rocking her back and forth. Though she has the mind of an adult, she still has a child's heart. So fragile, I was so afraid she'd break at my trust. Yet, I seemed to give her comfort as little as it was. I shushed her and ran my fingers down her back in soothing circles until her breathing evened and her tears had dried on her smooth cheeks.
I laid her in her bed and tucked her in as if I had done it everyday of my life. I even kissed her forehead- unconsciously it seemed.
I sat in my great leather chair as I thought. Marguerite was my daughter. My daughter… oh, this is wonderful! I may have been denied loving parents but I would not be denied being a loving parent. Nothing could possibly be more wonder-
Oh no…
Marguerite's dying…
Funny, how bliss can disappear in a matter of two words…
**Is it written in the stars? Are we paying for some crime? Is that all that we are good for, just a stretch of mortal time?**
Is this a punishment… for all that I have done? For the murders I have committed, for the joy I received from doing it? For the murders I would have committed if it were not for my vow to Nadir? Am I that much of a monster to be denied a family in any shape or form? It seemed as though fate or God or whoever was yakking it up was certainly having fun screwing up my life.
**Or some gods experiment, in which we have no say?**
So, this is what it feels like to be a chess piece. I'm in danger… I better make the right move before the check is stated or all is lost. God has turned my life into a game and warped it so that the ones I love are sucked in too. If I was damned from the start why must I spread my darkness onto others? Why can't fate just let me have paradise for one day?
**In which we're given paradise, but only for a day**
Marguerite is going to die, but by God if it kills me she will be happy as she takes that last breath!
MARGUERITE-
The world is spinning and twisting around me. Blue swirls into red which swirls to yellow which swirls to black. Black eerie darkness lies below my feet. I realize I'm having the dream again.
(*)
I'm on a cliff staring down into the still, dark waters of an uncharted and seemingly bottomless pool. The landscape of surrounding rocks seemed to be sneering and forbidding, completely evil looking, reeking of menace which makes me want to turn and run home to my mother.
And yet I remain, shivering at the bite of chill in the air, and staring into that dark pool below me. The pool is guarded by a giant sea spider who lurks unseen below the surface; and yet I know that beyond this hideous guardian of the depths, Neptune waits silently for me upon a golden throne, waits to crown me as his queen with a tiara of flawless black pearls. I know that if I can only kneel at his feet he will except me into his embrace and the two clumsy appendages I call legs shall be transformed into a mermaid's graceful tail. A thousand sea horses will form the litter that carries us through the wonderful splendors of his world to the palace of white coral where I will live forever and ever.
All I have to do is jump…
(*)
I have had this dream for many nights and I have always lacked the courage. But now as I gaze into the black waters below I realize that the land behind me is receding at a dangerous rate. Time is running out and I must make the right decision…
So I jump…
And I fall
And fall
And fall
For ages at a time…
Until the icy waters envelop me in their iron arms, paralyzing me to stillness. Slowly I sink… or am I rising? In the black waters it is hard to determine which way was the surface and which way was just pulling me towards my coffin. The lack of oxygen started to wrap iron bands around my already weak lungs pulling tighter each second. I couldn't breathe… I had to reach the surface soon or I would die. A scary thought appeared in my head in that moment of time,
Did I want to reach the surface?
Bubbles floated up past my feet; do I follow them to breath in the sweet air of life, or do I simply swim deeper into the sweet oblivion's dark embrace? It would be so easy to just give in, stop fighting, throw in the towel, and sleep in eternal bliss. But what would that do to my mother? To my new found father?
Whichever bridge I was about to cross I had to do it soon because fate was starting to choose for me. I was ready to be released from it all… to be left in peace in my solitude...
**Marguerite… come back to me! Marguerite!**
A voice of an angel was calling me from the surface.
**Come back to me! Please, don't die on me!**
I had to go back… I swam up after the bubbles… struggling out of deaths cold embrace to the surface. It was so close and when my head broke through the water's hold I sucked in a deep breath of fresh oxygen and my eyes flew open…
And I was in my bed
In Erik's home
And he looked as if he was ready to cry from both pain and relief.
And we did…
We cried.
And Neptune would have to wait…
But soon I would join him…
Soon.
~*~
Special Credits:
-In Erik's thinking process he comes along the verses of a song.
"Is it written in the stars… only for a day."
Is from the musical, Aida. I Do Not own it.
- In Marguerite's thinking process she talks of a reoccurring dream. In between the two stars (*) is an adaptation to a dream Christine has on pages 375-6 in Susan Kay's novel, Phantom.