The Tree
Conversations in the Dark
Back in the safety of her own room, after locking the door, she collapsed on the floor at the foot of her bed. She hadn't bothered to turn on the light. The eyes she had recently absorbed were hyper-sensitive, and they adjusted quickly to the darkness of the room. Besides, it somehow seemed appropriate right now for her to be in the dark. She tried to make her way over to the bedside table, to extract the contents she had left there earlier that evening, but she just didn't have the energy.
No, Ah can't do that now, even if Ah could get up. There's no tellin' what might happen to him. He maybe trapped inside a' me forevah, an' Ah don't wanna do that to him. I'll just have to wait for him to regain consciousness. If he evah does...
So, she curled up in the fetal position, and wept for a long time. When she didn't even have the energy to do that, she rolled over onto her back, and stared at the ceiling.
She didn't think about anything. Not what the people downstairs might be talking about, that they might try to come up to give her a pep talk, that they might find her stash. Her mind was just blank. It didn't even occur to her for a long time that her mind was never blank. Not since she had been thirteen had her mind been so quiet, and especially not after making contact with another person's skin. Once she remembered this, she grew terrified.
Oh God, have Ah killed him?
Terrified at the notion, she thought she would start crying again. But she didn't. She just laid there, shaking, but no tears would come. It was as if she had exhausted everything inside her body that made her go, and now it was only her mind that was causing her to shutter so. Shortly, she didn't even have the energy to do that.
**You through?**
It was his voice.
Suddenly, all her energy rushed back to her and she sat bolt upright. Where had that come from? Had it been anyone else's voice, friend or foe, she would have had no reaction at all. She could sometimes hear the echoing of the voices of those she absorbed. Hazy, faded memories of people who she had come into contact with, and had learned to ignore them easily enough. But this was no echo; it wasn't hazy, or faded. It was as if it had come from inside the room. She looked around. The room was empty. Had she imagined it; had she drifted off to sleep? It sounded too real for either of these explanations. What could it mean? The implications raced past her, so fast she didn't stop to consider any of them, to think them through.
Terrified, she whispered his name into the darkness.
**I'm here, chere.**
She stifled a gasped.
"Where?"
**With you. Here. In your head.**
"Did you…the proposition that you made to me earlier? Did you – when Ah flat out done tol' you no –"
**No, Chere. I had no intention ta go through wit' dat when you said no. Hell, I wasn't even too thrilled about it myself. It was jus' something I been meanin' ta put out there for a long time, but didn't have the courage to 'til tonight. An'…I'm sorry about doin' it. I know how much it upsets you when you absorb someone, how much of an emotional toll it takes on you. You were laughin', an' you just looked so happy, an' so beautiful that I…I jus'…couldn't help myself…** and as he said it, something in her told her it was true. **It'll wear off soon enough.**
"This is too weird."
**How about this then?** and his image materialized in front of her. He was tall, lanky and handsome, as she always remembered him. This time, she failed at suppressing a gasp.
"How…?"
**I'm in your head, 'member? The mind receives all de sensory receptors. I'm workin' from the inside. I kin even touch you, and you'd feel it,** and with that, he knelt down in front of her and kissed her on the forehead. Her lip trembled at the realness of the contact, and the tears she couldn't force to come up earlier began pooling in her eyes.
"But it's not real, is it?"
**Non. An' you're the only one who kin see, hear, smell, taste…and feel it.**
"Ah may as well be dreamin'. Will you remember this when you wake up? Will Ah remember it?"
**Can't answer that, belle. Wish I could, but I jus' don't know.**
She considered asking him if she would be harming him at all if she ended her suffering tonight, but decided not to. He probably wouldn't know, anyway. Without that, though she didn't know what to say to him. It was still all very awkward for her. He spoke up instead.
**Chere, why didn't you tell me about what the professor said to you?**
"How did you know about that?! Can you see my memories, too? Is this a two-way thing, now?"
**You didn't answer my question, Chere.**
"Ah…Ah…Ah asked you first!"
**No you didn't.**
"Oh, right. What was the question?"
**Now you're just stallin'.**
"Oh…Well…Sugah…Would you mind terribly answering mine first?"
**De' professor told me. Before I made it in to see you. So why didn't you tell me, belle? We tell each other everything.**
"If you know what he said, then you know there's no hope."
**You're still not answering me.**
"No, Ah am answering you. Ah didn't tell you because there is no hope, and ya looked so hopeful, and Ah know how horrible Ah felt when Ah lost that hope, an' Ah didn't want to take that away from you, an'…Hey. Wait a sec! If the professah had already told you, why didn't you tell me that he had?"
**I was waitin' for you ta tell me.**
"Ah guess it doesn't really matter much, now, does it?"
**That's were you're wrong, chere. It does matter.**
"But the professor said –"
**Dat there was nothin' he could do to help you. But dat don' mean we can' do anyt'ing.**
"Oh, please don't do this! This has been one of the worst nights of mah life; please don't make it any worse. We both already know that there's no hope for us to be togethah. There's just nothing we can do."
**Wrong again, chere.**
"Stop it!!!"
**No. Chere, you told me not too long ago that one of the reasons you loved me was because I believed in you – I believed in us. I still do, chere, and I'm not giving up. I won't quit, and I won't let you quit.**
She buried her face in her hands and started to cry. He didn't seem to react in any way. He just stayed, kneeling there in front of her, as if waiting for the tears to run their course.
He looks so cool, she thought. Ah'm dyin' inside, bein' ripped apart, an' Ah know it's showin', an' he – his image – looks so confident, so calm, so serene. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have enough control over his image to show emotions. Or maybe he does.
She controlled her sobbing enough to speak to him.
"Let me git this straight. Even though the professah says nothin' can be done – 'scuse me – he can't do anything to help, you're sayin' that the two of us Southern orphans, with no PhD's in psychology, and no background in genetics whatsoevah, can work though a problem like the one we have?"
**Yeah, chere. Dat's pretty much what I've been tryin' ta say all night, although from the tone of your voice, I kin tell that I still haven't convinced you.**
"No. You haven't. And you won't. But I'll humor you enough to hear how you plan to git ovah this hurdle."
**I kin accept that. For now.**
"So, what exactly is it that you propose to do?"
**Well, I'll tell you one thing. It's not suicide.**
She grew terrified.
"But…how…?"
**I'm in your head. Remember? I can see your memories. Chere, did you really think dat takin' your own life is a solution?**
She turned her face away from him.
"No. Not a solution so much as a way out. An end."
Suddenly, she was overcome by a deep fear and an even deeper sorrow that she knew hadn't come from her.
**Oh, chere, has everything we've been though over the years meant nothing to you?**
Looked up at him, still crying. She was about to snap back at the comment, but the pain and sorrow written all over the face in front of her – that she could feel welling up inside her – caused her to take a different approach.
"No, no, don't…please don't think that of me. You…us…what we have togethah…what we had…it's been the one good thing in mah whole life. Ah don't regret a moment of it."
**But it wasn't enough.** It was more a statement than anything else.
Now she started to get defensive.
"You don't understand! Ah'm so tired of this existence! An' it's not just you. Ah mean, you're a huge part of it, but Ah'm so tired of havin' ta always be on my guard, every minute of every hour of every day. Ah'm tired of havin' to wear long pants and long sleeves, even in the heat and humidity of a New York summer. Ah'm tired of lettin' the same section of mah back burn when I go sun bathin' 'cuz Ah can't reach it to put sunscreen on, an' certainly nobody else can. Ah'm tired of havin' ta be oh-so careful of some idiot bumpin' inta me in a large crowd. Ah wanna feel the fresh air against mah skin; Ah wanna feel someone else's skin against mine without havin' ta worry about hurtin' anyone."
**But, chere –**
"Ah'm not finished!"
**Sorry.**
"Ah can't feel. Ah got into a little tangle with Logan tonight. He threw me across the room. Ah went through a table and part of a wall. Ah couldn't feel it. Ah mean, yeah, I felt them crackin' undah me, but it didn't hurt. Ah may as well have been flung onto a waterbed. An Ah don't even have a scratch or bruise on me, not even a fucking splinter. Hell, it my as well not have happened! Ah can't feel pain, an' without pain, you can't have pleasure. Oh, doncha see? That one time…when we were togethah…that one time…in the cave…Ah could feel…Ah could feel everything…it hurt at first, but even the pain felt good, 'cuz at least Ah was feelin' somethin'…and then…then…well then…then it felt good…an' after a while, all Ah could feel was the pleasure…and you and…and…and Ah was so happy…so happy…Ah can't remember a time Ah was happier…an' then it was ovah an' Ah've wanted more evah since an' now Ah can't feel anythin'…not the pain, or the pleasure…or you…and now Ah'm longin' for it more than evah before…"
There was a long pause. She knew he was searching for something to say to her, but nothing was coming. He just kept looking at her with eyes that seemed to look straight through into her soul. She has seen those eyes on her before, but never before had they seemed to penetrate her so deeply as now – was that because she had absorbed him, and he was truly searching her soul for something? The thought made her uncomfortable until finally she could stand those eyes and the silence no longer.
"Ah can't feel. Someone who can't feel is a sorry excuse for life, and without feeling, Ah jus' don't see a point in continuing this wretched existence."
**What about me, chere? Or those people down stairs, the people who care about you, who love you?**
"You'll get ovah it. Y'all are survivors, you especially. You'll move on, and think of me less and less, if at all, until Ah become just anothah memory, anothah tragedy you had to live through."
**That's really the kind of legacy you want leave behind?**
"At this point, Ah don't really care."
**Ah don't believe dat.**
"Tough."
**You do have it in you.**
"What?"
**The power to control your ability. You have it in you.**
"Ah'm not gonna humor this anymore."
**It's there. I know. I've seen it.**
She just sat there, trying to pull off as a defiant stare. She wished she could let his words bounce off her as if they had never been said, but she couldn't completely shake them off. This was, after all, her Love. What he said always penetrated her deep, and now it was seeping in much further than she would have liked. He was wearing her down, reviving the hope and faith she thought had died within her that night.
**I can help you find it.**
"You're getting' yo' hopes up for nothin'"
**You just have to trust me.**
"Please…"
**And more importantly, you have to let me.**
A pause.
**Look if you've truly given up, then you really don't have anything to lose, right?**
Great, he's trying reverse psychology, now, she thought.
**In fact, if it doesn't work, then you'll have gained something. You'll have proven me wrong. So come on, prove me wrong, I dare you.**
"Well, there's a cheap shot, if Ah evah heard one."
**I know, but at dis point, I'll try anything. Is it working?**
"Yo' not gonna give up on this are you?"
**I already told you no. And I don't think you have, either, chere.**
"Now what makes you say that?"
**Because if you had, you wouldn't be so scared. Now c'mon. If not for yourself, for me. Please?**
She considered objecting, letting him go on trying to sway her. But the truth was, she didn't want to fight him on this any longer. She had neither the strength, nor the desire to. But there was more to it than that. This was her Love, and he had once again penetrated deep under her skin.
She gave a sigh of surrender.
"Alright. But…be gentle."
**I suppose I should tell you…I have to be honest with you, it might hurt. I mean there's truth to your pleasure/pain theory, but the fact is, I just don't know. Haven't exactly done this before. But I promise, I'll be as gentle as I can.**
"What do Ah hafta do?"
**You've gotta look inside yourself. Face all de' t'ings dat are blocking the way. An' you gotta find your strength. It is there, chere. I promise you that. I see flashes of it all de time. I'll help you at first. Guide you. But I can only go so far. You'll have to do a lot of the hardest part by yourself. You can do it, chere. I know you can. Just remember, I love you and I am here with you. I always will be.**
"An' what about all those othah people up there. They don't like me too much for what Ah done to them. They won't be happy to see me."
**Dat's not true about all o' dem. You have absorbed people who care about you, an' who ain't angry wit' you about it, 'culding me, chere. 'Sides. You got me wit' you, an' wit' me comes all my abilities. While you were gettin' all mellow dramatic down in the rec room, I been scooping t'ngs out, like any good t'ief would do. All those people are pretty deep, but yo' problem lies below dem. I got some real good mental shields I kin cloak you wit', til we get past dem. De won' even know you dere. Any other questions before we begin?**
"No, Ah…Ah don't think so."
**Ready, den?**
She nodded.
**Okay. Now relax.**
Just before his image vanished from sight, disappearing as quickly and as suddenly as it had come, she thought she saw a smile flash across his face.