Here—finally—is chapter four! Sorry, no shout-outs this time around, but I will get everyone in chapter five, SO REVIEW!
Interview with Harry
HARRY V.O.
Draco would often kill two, three, ten a night. His favorite for the appetizers was a nice, stupid young girl, and then for seconds, he would choose a gilded, beautiful youth.
[CUT TO: INT. A large house.]
[DRACO and HARRY enter, dressed in finery. DRACO pokes HARRY in the side.]
DRACO
Look. Over there. Widower St. Hagrid.
[HARRY looks over and sees a huge man stuffed into an ill-fitting dress with a blonde man by his side.]
HARRY
What about him?
DRACO
He had that gorgeous young fop murder his boss.
HARRY
How did you know that?
DRACO
Read his mind.
HARRY
[turns and narrows his eyes, then shrugs]
I can't.
DRACO
[chuckles]
Loser.
[THEY go over to WIDOWER ST. HAGRID, who is holding Fluffy in his lap, and the FOP (Lockhart). HAGRID lifts his hand and DRACO kisses it.]
HAGRID
Pleased to meetcher. You too. [as HARRY kisses his hand]
[CUT TO: EXT. Outside the house.]
[HARRY, holding Fluffy's leash, and HAGRID are walking in one direction while DRACO and LOCKHART are going off in another. When the other two are out of sight, DRACO pushes LOCKHART up against a tree.]
LOCKHART
Once, when I was in Siberia fighting against the Loopy Werewolf, I . . .
DRACO
Shush. [leans close to LOCKHART and whispers] Banzai.
[CUT TO: EXT. Night. Trees.]
[HARRY helps HAGRID sit down.]
HAGRID
Y'know, this is pretty nasty, right, I'm old enough to be yer father.
[HARRY leans in and tries to bite HIS neck, but gets a mouthful of hair and spits it out. HE tries again, but is distracted by Fluffy's constant barking. HE grabs the leash and--]
[CUT TO: EXT. Night. Trees.]
[An angry yell is heard. DRACO turns from the now almost dead LOCKHART.]
[CUT TO: EXT. Night. Trees.]
[HARRY has left HAGRID on the bench and is working on draining Fluffy. One head is completely drained, the second is whimpering, and the third is the one HARRY is drinking from.]
HAGRID
Monster! Yer killed my puppy!
DRACO
Banzai! [snaps HAGRID'S neck, then turns and glares at HARRY] You sniveling, whining, annoying excuse for a vampire! What kind of predator stalks the night killing rats and three-headed dogs? Did you think about what might have happened if he had told about us? You could have finished us both!
HARRY
You've condemned me to Hufflepuff!
DRACO
There's nothing wrong with being in Hufflepuff.
[HARRY jumps to HIS feet, grabs DRACO by the collar, and slams HIM into a tree.]
DRACO
[laughing]
Stop it, Harry, that tickles.
[Another tree.]
DRACO
Yes, this is why I chose you! The anger! The fury! Plus you get this really adorable look on your face when you're mad.
[HARRY lets DRACO down and begins to walk away.]
DRACO
Go on, Harry, go on eating your puppies. Just remember-life without me would be even more unbearable.
[CUT TO: INT. The staff room.]
[The TEACHERS are doing divination to figure out who is killing all the
students.]
TRELAWNEY
I think it is . . . [covers her eyes and points] HIM!
MCGONAGALL
[dryly, pushing down TRELAWNEY'S hand]
Somehow I doubt it's me.
[CUT TO: INT. The empty Great Hall.]
[HARRY has his wand lit up and is staring at the tip. DRACO has his feet propped up on the table, holding a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and throwing them at HARRY.]
HARRY
[as a bean hits him on the head]
Stop.
[another bean goes down his shirt]
Stop that!
[a bean lands in his still-open mouth and he spits it out]
Stop!
DRACO
Is this really how you spent your pathetic existence before you met me? God, no wonder you wanted to die.
HARRY
[tiredly]
Shut up.
DRACO
Come on, Harry, the Venetian circus is in town. We can go get some Italian cuisine.
HARRY
Thanks, but I'm not hungry.
DRACO
Not hungry? That's not possible!
HARRY
I don't want to take human life! Why is that so hard for you to understand?
DRACO
[snorts]
Wimp.
[TRELAWNEY runs by, screaming, followed by a very angry MCGONAGALL.]
DRACO
That noise! That noise! For days and days and days and days and-
[Fifteen minutes later]
DRACO
--days and days and-Harry, wake UP!
HARRY
[snorts awake]
Huh?
DRACO
Can't you shut those teachers up? For days there's been nothing but that noise!
HARRY
[grins up at DRACO]
They know what we are. They watch us dine on empty plates and drink from empty glasses. How long do you think it will be before they catch on?
[DRACO glares at him and storms out. HE crashes into DOBBY, who is coming in.]
DOBBY
Excuse me Draco Malfoy sir!
[DRACO leaves and DOBBY runs up to HARRY.]
HARRY
Yes, Dobby?
DOBBY
Harry Potter sir, you must listen! You must send your boyfriend away!
HARRY
My who?
DOBBY
Your boyfriend! The pretty blonde man! Everyone is scared of him!
HARRY
What? Why?
DOBBY
He cross-dresses and makes us listen to him sing!
HARRY
Ew!
DOBBY
How long has it been since you've visited the kitchens? Are you even the great Harry Potter anymore? And that's not even the worst of it, Harry Potter sir!
HARRY
What is the worst of it?
DOBBY
Everyone is scared of you, too, Harry Potter sir!
HARRY
[takes DOBBY'S hand and nuzzles HIS wrist]
I'm scared of myself.
[HE bites.]
[CUT TO: INT. The hallway outside the Great Hall.]
[The TEACHERS, some of the STUDENTS, and the HOUSE-ELVES are standing outside the door, holding torches. HARRY opens the door, carrying DOBBY'S body.]
HARRY
This room is cursed! Danged!
DEAN
[cracks up]
Danged?
HARRY
We're in school. I can't say what it really is. [coughs] Anyway! Get out! You should all run! Flee! [throws DOBBY at someone, then grabs a torch from the wall and goes in.]
[HE starts setting things on fire. Just as he sets the Gryffindor banner alight, he collapses. DRACO bursts in . . . via the wall.]
DRACO
Perfect! Perfect! Just burn the place, burn everything in here! Have us sleeping in the field like Muggles!
HARRY
You thought you could have it all.
DRACO
Oh, shut up, Harry! [grabs him and hauls him up] Come on!
[CUT TO: INT. Night. A mausoleum.]
[HARRY is lying unconscious on the floor, then he opens his eyes.]
HARRY
Where are we?
DRACO
We're in a nasty old cold cemetery. Are you happy now, my idiot friend?
HARRY
We should be in Hell.
DRACO
Well, what if there is no Hell? Or what if they don't want us there?
HARRY
Then to Hufflepuff it is.
DRACO
There's nothing wrong with being in Hufflepuff!
[CUT TO: EXT. Night. London.]
HARRY V.O.
But Draco was wrong. There was a Hell, and no matter where we went, it was there, laughing at me, beckoning me.
HELL V.O.
Neener neener neener!
HARRY V.O.
We got an apartment in London.
[HARRY looks over his shoulder into the apartment where DRACO is with two Women of Questionable Standards™ (Lavender and Parvati).]
LAVENDER
Your skin is icy.
[CUT TO: INT. The apartment.]
DRACO
[to PARVATI]
Your friend has no head for mead.
PARVATI
I can warm your icy skin. [she touches DRACO'S face] Oh, you're all warm and toasty now.
[DRACO goes down and bites her foot. HE pulls away, PARVATI'S sock dangling from his fang. HE spits it off and bites her toes.]
PARVATI
Ooh! Hey, that tickles! Stop that!
[DRACO pulls away and PARVATI looks down and sees her toes have been bitten off.]
PARVATI
Oh my goodness! Where did my toes go?
[HARRY comes back in. HE looks at PARVATI, then shakes his head.]
PARVATI
[the information sinks in]
WHERE ARE MY TOES?
[DRACO strolls over, pokes her knee with his thumbnail thingy, and fills a goblet with blood, then offers it to HARRY.]
HARRY
Eurgh! No!
DRACO
Why not?
HARRY
You ate her phalanges!
DRACO
I most certainly did not; she's a girl!
HARRY
Her toes, you fool, you ate her toes!
DRACO
Did I? Oh, so I did. Whoops.
HARRY
[turns away]
I refuse-
DRACO
End her toeless suffering! End yours!
HARRY
I have toes.
DRACO
I didn't mean that you don't have toes, I meant end your suffering!
HARRY
But I'm not suffering because I don't have toes!
DRACO
I mean stop being so dang noble and take her already!
HARRY
You know I refuse to take human life!
PARVATI
Um, hello? Woman with no toes back here!
DRACO
[goes over to PARVATI]
Have you looked at the coffee table?
PARVATI
No.
DRACO
Look! It has a lid! [knocks the lid off the coffin and throws PARVATI in, then covers it again.]
PARVATI
[yelling]
Hey! I'm not dead! I just don't have any toes! Come back here!
DRACO
Well? Would you take her already?
HARRY
I already said no!
DRACO
Not even this? [holds out glass and pouts adorably]
HARRY
Well . . . [stares longingly at the glass and then forces himself to turn away] No!
DRACO
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
HARRY
I'm leaving. [exits]
DRACO
Hmph. [opens the coffin, drains PARVATI, then sticks her toes in her mouth] There are your toes.