Shattered
Chapter 8
Disclaimer: Same as always.
Authors note: Surprisingly I have nothing to say :-) Hope you enjoy this chapter.
Feedback: Always wanted. Let me know what you think please.
E-Mail: Farewellparty2002@yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He walked into the room and up to her bed. He picked up her hand and whispered "Faith" but he didn't get a response. She was sleeping again. He pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down still holding her hand.
She was going to be ok, she had to be. He had to believe that if he was going to keep functioning. Not that he was doing such a bang up job with that right now anyway. He had blown it with the kids, there had to have been a better way of telling them about Faith. Maybe then Emily wouldn't have taken it so hard. Then there was Mikey, he hadn't even called the station to see what was going on with him. Sully had wanted to tell him something about him, hopefully it wasn't important. That's what he should be focusing on, Mikey. He should be finding out the truth. A part of him was scared to. A part of him was telling him that Gusler was telling the truth, that Mikey shot Faith on purpose. How was he going to handle that? It was just too much. All of it was just too much to handle right now. Then there was Fred, Sully could have found him. Then what? Why wasn't paying attention. Fred here was the last thing Faith needed. He had to start thinking with his head instead of his heart. He had to become the tough strong Maurice Boscorelli again and not this guy who's heart stopped every time his phone rang, or when the doctor or nurse walked in his direction, or jumped every time the monitors made a different sound. Instead of being weak and lost he had to be strong, he had to be strong for her. He had to fix this. If Mikey did do this on purpose then he would make him pay at any and all cost.
"Faith?"
Still nothing. It didn't matter anyway, he wasn't going anywhere until she had waken up and he had a chance to apologize for everything.
"I'm a mess Faith" He knew she couldn't here him but that was ok, he just had to say it, tell her how he felt. It was probably better she couldn't hear him. " I have never felt so lost, even with all the the shit I've been through. I've never felt like this.....I almost lost you Faith and it was my fault, how am I suppose to come back from that? I need you in my life.....I know I might not tell you that everyday or maybe ever but it's the truth.....I need you. You are the one sure thing in my life. No matter what I do I know you'll be there to pick up the pieces. You're always there. If I need someone to talk to you're the first one I go to..... I can't loose you Faith....I just can't"
He squeezed her hand and rubbed his thumb over it.
"I messed up pretty big this time didn't I?....This....you lying here it's my fault. I knew you were only trying to help but I pushed you away anyway. I was mad at you because you didn't realize that you were already helping me by just being there, by sticking by me. I didn't need to talk it out. I was good just knowing you were there if I needed you but when you went behind my back to get me to talk to that shrink I felt betrayed....like you didn't want to be there for me anymore. I know it was stupid but it's what I felt. So I tried to hurt you...and I did. I'm sorry Faith I never meant what I said. I swear I didn't. I felt awful when I said it and I was about to apologize when you told me to go to hell and then I saw that tear slide down your cheek...."
He shook his head to try and get the image and memory out of his head. But he couldn't. He hated that memory. It was like a twisting knife every time he saw it.
"I'm the one who got you shot. It was all me. If I wouldn't have been so stubborn, if I would of stayed with you instead of riding with Davis you would be fine. Hell we wouldn't have been in that section anyway. What were you doing there? You know there is never any action in that part. Haven't I taught you anything? We stick Davis and Sully with the shitty calls, We wait for the good ones. We play super cop remember?...Ok fine I play super cop and you are my trusty side kick getting me out of the messes I get into." He gave a faint smile remembering all the times she got mad at him for doing just that. Playing super cop and not thinking.
"I wasn't there Faith....I didn't protect you....I'm sorry Faith. I'm sorry"
"Bos will you shut up already. I'm trying to sleep here."
He shot his head up and looked at her. She was grinning at him.
"Faith?" He was so happy to see her awake and hearing her voice.
"Yeah, who else would it be?" She asked still grinning.
"How long have you been awake?" He was worried what she had heard. He didn't want her to hear all of that.
"I've been awake since you said my name, I was going to say something but you wouldn't let me get a word in. Some things never change." She gave him another smile.
"I didn't want to apologize like that. I didn't mean for you to hear all that." he said looking down.
"Bos you have nothing to apologize for. It wasn't your fault, any of it. You couldn't have changed anything."
"Yes I could have. I could have been there, I should of been there, I should of been the one to walk up to Mikey."
"Bosco quit it! It wasn't your fault. I'm not going to let you sit here and blame yourself."
"I wasn't there Faith! I should have been. I should of kept you safe."
"It doesn't matter. You're here now, that's what matters."
"I didn't mean what I said before the shift. I...."
"Bos it's over okay? forget about it. I know you didn't mean it. It's fine."
"How is it fine? How do you just let it go like that?"
"We fight Bosco, it's nothing new and we always get back on track, it's no big deal."
How did she do it? How was she always so calm, sensible and reasonable? She always amazed him. She might have not blamed him for any of it and he was glad for that, He didn't want to loose her over this. But that didn't stop him from blaming himself. No matter what she said, it was his fault. But he would fix it. He promised himself that.
"Thank you Faith"
She gave his hand a squeeze and smiled at him.
"Hey Bos, what happened to your hands?"
She must of spotted or felt the cuts on his hands from the night before.
"It's nothing, No big deal I just um dropped something and I cut myself picking it up." That wasn't even believable to him. What a stupid excuse, his hands were covered in cuts there was no way he got that by picking something up, but he wasn't going to tell her the truth about it. He didn't want her to know just how lost and weak he had gotten. It was bad enough the others had caught a glimpse of it. He wasn't going to let her see him like that. He was going to be strong for her.
"I went and seen the kids earlier" He said trying to change the subject.
Oh much better subject to bring up Bosco, tell her how you broke their hearts and how Emily blames you and never wants to see you again. Why don't you ever think before you say something?
"Are they ok? Where are they?" She asked with concern.
"They're fine. They are over at Betty's. She says they can stay there as long as they need to."
"Do they know?"
"Yeah they know." He said softly.
"Bos what's wrong?...Is Fred back?"
"Huh? What? No, no Fred isn't back. As far as I know nobody found him. Sully was looking but I stopped him. He shouldn't find out....Unless you want me to find him and tell him?"
"No Bos I don't need him here. We're better of without him....If it isn't Fred then what's wrong?"
"It's nothing Faith, it's nothing."
"Bos"
Boy was she stubborn. Why couldn't she let things go. He must be wearing off on her. "The kids took it pretty hard...especially Emily." He said remembering 'It's all your fault! I hate you! I hate you!'
"Are they ok? Is she going to be fine?
"Yeah they'll be fine" If they never see me again he thought. "I told them that I would bring them down to visit in a couple of days. I thought it might be better if they didn't see you with all these machines hooked on. It might scare them."
"Yeah you're probably right. I'll call them later and let them know I'm fine."
"Faith?"
"Yeah"
"Do you remember what happened when you were shot?" He didn't plan on bringing it up right away but he had to find out.
"No, not really." She said quickly.
"I don't believe you Faith, You remember don't you?"
"It's nothing Bosco, Let it go."
"Let it go?! How can you say that?! You almost died, you still...." He caught himself in time "I can't let it go Faith."
"Bosco..."
"You remember it was Mikey right?.... Faith answer me!"
"Yeah I remember it was Mikey." She said softly.
"Gusler thinks he knew it was you when he shot you, Is that true?"
"It happened so fast he couldn't have known." She said quickly.
She was too quick with her answer, like she was covering for him.
"Faith tell me the truth. Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know!"
"Bos it's over let it go. I'm going to be fine."
"Faith!"
"Look Bos..."
"You can't do it, can you?" He felt sick to his stomach. "He knew it was you! Gusler wasn't lying , He knew it was you!" He said more to himself then her.
Faith didn't answer him she just looked down.
"That little son of a bitch! He swore he didn't know. He looked me in the eye and swore it. I was standing there covered in your blood watching you die and he swore it!....He didn't even try to help you, he just stood there." He said remembering what Gusler had told him.
"I'm going to kill him Faith." He said coldly and dropped her hand and stormed out of the room.
"Bosco wait! BOSCO!''
Chapter 8
Disclaimer: Same as always.
Authors note: Surprisingly I have nothing to say :-) Hope you enjoy this chapter.
Feedback: Always wanted. Let me know what you think please.
E-Mail: Farewellparty2002@yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He walked into the room and up to her bed. He picked up her hand and whispered "Faith" but he didn't get a response. She was sleeping again. He pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down still holding her hand.
She was going to be ok, she had to be. He had to believe that if he was going to keep functioning. Not that he was doing such a bang up job with that right now anyway. He had blown it with the kids, there had to have been a better way of telling them about Faith. Maybe then Emily wouldn't have taken it so hard. Then there was Mikey, he hadn't even called the station to see what was going on with him. Sully had wanted to tell him something about him, hopefully it wasn't important. That's what he should be focusing on, Mikey. He should be finding out the truth. A part of him was scared to. A part of him was telling him that Gusler was telling the truth, that Mikey shot Faith on purpose. How was he going to handle that? It was just too much. All of it was just too much to handle right now. Then there was Fred, Sully could have found him. Then what? Why wasn't paying attention. Fred here was the last thing Faith needed. He had to start thinking with his head instead of his heart. He had to become the tough strong Maurice Boscorelli again and not this guy who's heart stopped every time his phone rang, or when the doctor or nurse walked in his direction, or jumped every time the monitors made a different sound. Instead of being weak and lost he had to be strong, he had to be strong for her. He had to fix this. If Mikey did do this on purpose then he would make him pay at any and all cost.
"Faith?"
Still nothing. It didn't matter anyway, he wasn't going anywhere until she had waken up and he had a chance to apologize for everything.
"I'm a mess Faith" He knew she couldn't here him but that was ok, he just had to say it, tell her how he felt. It was probably better she couldn't hear him. " I have never felt so lost, even with all the the shit I've been through. I've never felt like this.....I almost lost you Faith and it was my fault, how am I suppose to come back from that? I need you in my life.....I know I might not tell you that everyday or maybe ever but it's the truth.....I need you. You are the one sure thing in my life. No matter what I do I know you'll be there to pick up the pieces. You're always there. If I need someone to talk to you're the first one I go to..... I can't loose you Faith....I just can't"
He squeezed her hand and rubbed his thumb over it.
"I messed up pretty big this time didn't I?....This....you lying here it's my fault. I knew you were only trying to help but I pushed you away anyway. I was mad at you because you didn't realize that you were already helping me by just being there, by sticking by me. I didn't need to talk it out. I was good just knowing you were there if I needed you but when you went behind my back to get me to talk to that shrink I felt betrayed....like you didn't want to be there for me anymore. I know it was stupid but it's what I felt. So I tried to hurt you...and I did. I'm sorry Faith I never meant what I said. I swear I didn't. I felt awful when I said it and I was about to apologize when you told me to go to hell and then I saw that tear slide down your cheek...."
He shook his head to try and get the image and memory out of his head. But he couldn't. He hated that memory. It was like a twisting knife every time he saw it.
"I'm the one who got you shot. It was all me. If I wouldn't have been so stubborn, if I would of stayed with you instead of riding with Davis you would be fine. Hell we wouldn't have been in that section anyway. What were you doing there? You know there is never any action in that part. Haven't I taught you anything? We stick Davis and Sully with the shitty calls, We wait for the good ones. We play super cop remember?...Ok fine I play super cop and you are my trusty side kick getting me out of the messes I get into." He gave a faint smile remembering all the times she got mad at him for doing just that. Playing super cop and not thinking.
"I wasn't there Faith....I didn't protect you....I'm sorry Faith. I'm sorry"
"Bos will you shut up already. I'm trying to sleep here."
He shot his head up and looked at her. She was grinning at him.
"Faith?" He was so happy to see her awake and hearing her voice.
"Yeah, who else would it be?" She asked still grinning.
"How long have you been awake?" He was worried what she had heard. He didn't want her to hear all of that.
"I've been awake since you said my name, I was going to say something but you wouldn't let me get a word in. Some things never change." She gave him another smile.
"I didn't want to apologize like that. I didn't mean for you to hear all that." he said looking down.
"Bos you have nothing to apologize for. It wasn't your fault, any of it. You couldn't have changed anything."
"Yes I could have. I could have been there, I should of been there, I should of been the one to walk up to Mikey."
"Bosco quit it! It wasn't your fault. I'm not going to let you sit here and blame yourself."
"I wasn't there Faith! I should have been. I should of kept you safe."
"It doesn't matter. You're here now, that's what matters."
"I didn't mean what I said before the shift. I...."
"Bos it's over okay? forget about it. I know you didn't mean it. It's fine."
"How is it fine? How do you just let it go like that?"
"We fight Bosco, it's nothing new and we always get back on track, it's no big deal."
How did she do it? How was she always so calm, sensible and reasonable? She always amazed him. She might have not blamed him for any of it and he was glad for that, He didn't want to loose her over this. But that didn't stop him from blaming himself. No matter what she said, it was his fault. But he would fix it. He promised himself that.
"Thank you Faith"
She gave his hand a squeeze and smiled at him.
"Hey Bos, what happened to your hands?"
She must of spotted or felt the cuts on his hands from the night before.
"It's nothing, No big deal I just um dropped something and I cut myself picking it up." That wasn't even believable to him. What a stupid excuse, his hands were covered in cuts there was no way he got that by picking something up, but he wasn't going to tell her the truth about it. He didn't want her to know just how lost and weak he had gotten. It was bad enough the others had caught a glimpse of it. He wasn't going to let her see him like that. He was going to be strong for her.
"I went and seen the kids earlier" He said trying to change the subject.
Oh much better subject to bring up Bosco, tell her how you broke their hearts and how Emily blames you and never wants to see you again. Why don't you ever think before you say something?
"Are they ok? Where are they?" She asked with concern.
"They're fine. They are over at Betty's. She says they can stay there as long as they need to."
"Do they know?"
"Yeah they know." He said softly.
"Bos what's wrong?...Is Fred back?"
"Huh? What? No, no Fred isn't back. As far as I know nobody found him. Sully was looking but I stopped him. He shouldn't find out....Unless you want me to find him and tell him?"
"No Bos I don't need him here. We're better of without him....If it isn't Fred then what's wrong?"
"It's nothing Faith, it's nothing."
"Bos"
Boy was she stubborn. Why couldn't she let things go. He must be wearing off on her. "The kids took it pretty hard...especially Emily." He said remembering 'It's all your fault! I hate you! I hate you!'
"Are they ok? Is she going to be fine?
"Yeah they'll be fine" If they never see me again he thought. "I told them that I would bring them down to visit in a couple of days. I thought it might be better if they didn't see you with all these machines hooked on. It might scare them."
"Yeah you're probably right. I'll call them later and let them know I'm fine."
"Faith?"
"Yeah"
"Do you remember what happened when you were shot?" He didn't plan on bringing it up right away but he had to find out.
"No, not really." She said quickly.
"I don't believe you Faith, You remember don't you?"
"It's nothing Bosco, Let it go."
"Let it go?! How can you say that?! You almost died, you still...." He caught himself in time "I can't let it go Faith."
"Bosco..."
"You remember it was Mikey right?.... Faith answer me!"
"Yeah I remember it was Mikey." She said softly.
"Gusler thinks he knew it was you when he shot you, Is that true?"
"It happened so fast he couldn't have known." She said quickly.
She was too quick with her answer, like she was covering for him.
"Faith tell me the truth. Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know!"
"Bos it's over let it go. I'm going to be fine."
"Faith!"
"Look Bos..."
"You can't do it, can you?" He felt sick to his stomach. "He knew it was you! Gusler wasn't lying , He knew it was you!" He said more to himself then her.
Faith didn't answer him she just looked down.
"That little son of a bitch! He swore he didn't know. He looked me in the eye and swore it. I was standing there covered in your blood watching you die and he swore it!....He didn't even try to help you, he just stood there." He said remembering what Gusler had told him.
"I'm going to kill him Faith." He said coldly and dropped her hand and stormed out of the room.
"Bosco wait! BOSCO!''