Standard Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters owned by Rowling, Warner and Scholastic.
Good work, finish Book 5 Soon, we're all waiting!!!
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"Dear Madam Trelawney
I'm hooking up with Ginny later this week so we can work on that love potion for her. Also again thankies for the advice on how to dress. I finished the Vertigo potion and will be spiking Potters pumpkin juice at lunch today. Also I did take your advice about tripping him, that worked very well. I managed to knock out Fred and George as an added bonus. I'm sorry to say I missed Ganger but I messed up her potion, and it caused her to grow hot pink fur. Snape was having a hard time keeping that smile off his face. My cauldron is ready and willing to hit some heads again. What is your favorite tarot deck? Thankies again!
Sincerely Katherine aka
working her way into Snape's bed, with pride."
"Dear Katherine,
I do love seen young people making the most of their abilities. Anybody who can knock those Weasley prats onto their prats can count on a letter of recommendation from me. I predict that a picture of Granger with hot pink fur makes the front page of Witch Weekly.
My favorite tarot deck is my cat deck. Cats are mysterious, sensitive souls who can see beyond the mists of time. And the art on this deck is particularly lovely. I never let the general students see this deck, much less touch it. I can arrange for you to get a sister to the deck, for a nominal fee, of course.
Have fun!
Madam Trelawney"
"Hi, Professor! I will soon get my revenge on Harry *grins evilly* by hitting him over the head with my viola. He insulted my cat, and then he insulted you, so he deserves it! By the way, Professor, I am amazed that you knew I had a cat. (In the common room: Harry: What are you-*BANG* Medrelina: Well, now my viola's broken, but I can threaten him for enough money to buy a new one. Harry: *regaining consciousness* Huh? Medrelina: Give me 450 galleons or I'll sic my cat on you! Harry: *gives Medrelina 450 galleons*) Well, now I'm off to buy a new viola, or, to be more precise, a better viola, since the old one only cost 40 galleons. By the way, what was Hogwarts like when you went to school?
Medrelina Viqiuna Ravhelinus, the Very Happy 3rd year Gryffindor
A.K.A. Medrelina the Weird"
"Dear Medrelina,
Potter insulted your cat! Well, I can foresee a year of furballs and fleas for that little rotter! How dare he? When you go shopping for your new Viola, be sure to drop in at that little music shop at the junction of Music Alley and Knockturn Alley, I'm sure it will have something worth your while. The Spirit of Music specializes in magical and haunted musical instruments.
Hogwarts was very much the same as it is now. Except that the obnoxious Potter was James instead of Harry. (I was a few years younger than Potter's father.) I tried to warn him about trusting that devious Black fellow, but he wouldn't listen to me, would he?
This Potter will go the same way, soon. It's a good thing you got your money from him while you had the chance.
Musically yours,
Madam Trelawney."
"Dear Professor Trelawney,
Kanika is in love with a certain someone, and would like to put "Katherine" out of the picture if she can. She's attracted to dark, secretive guys. As for Artemis, she's getting painfully annoyed with potter. And she wishes Katherine a high five for the cauldron bash. Artemis wishes to know how she can slowly and painfully maim harry potter, and come to think of it, his friend ron too
Kanika Aubrey and Artemis Black (not related to Sirius in any way)"
Trelawney frowned. Oh, here was something she hadn't foreseen… wait, of course she'd foreseen it. She was the great Mary Sue Trelawney… er… Sibyll Trelawney! There had to be a simple way out of this… wait, she had it. She picked up her quill and started writing…
"Dear Kanika,
My dear child, I have good news for you. You don't have to put Katherine "out of the picture". You merely need to learn to share. Professor Snape has been suppressing his, shall we say, animal instincts for quite some time. I assure you there's enough for both of you. Learn to work with Katherine. You will find her ready wit and even readier cauldron to be of great use to you. I also suggest that you become friendly with that Creevy boy, the one with the camera. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Sincerely,
Madam Trelawney"
Trelawney grinned with satisfaction, then moved on to the second part of the letter.
"Dear Artemis,
The stars are saying that you and Kanika definitely need to make friends with Katherine. Anyone with such admirable ambitions should be able to work well with her. She is quite the *ahem* swinger.
As for slowly and painfully maiming Potter and Weasley, there are always the slow acting, non lethal potions. Consult Prof. Snape. Tell him you want to do an extra credit report on the effects of the 'Trotsky's Revenge Potion #13' on… lions. I'm sure he'll know what you mean. You should be able to get several Gryffindors this way, and don't forget Granger. She could use a good bout of diarrhea.
I'm glad to hear that you're not related to that beastly Sirius Black. He let me down severely a few years ago. (I lost several galleons betting on him in the annual 'How and When Will Potter Die' pool.)
Signed,
Madam Trelawney."
"Dear Katherine,
I am seeing a ménage à trios in your near future. Do not fight it, the heavens favor it. Besides, if you add a camera to the equation, you'll have enough blackmail material on Severus to keep him in line for quite some time.
Sincerely,
Madam Trelawney"
"Dear Madam Trelawney:
FRAUD!!! FRAUD!!!! FRAUDY FRAUDY FRAUD!!!!!!! You are a FRAUD and a LLAMA and a ORANGUTAN and a FRAUD!!!!! Thank you very much for reading my letter.
Signed, Rubi G.
P.S.: FRAUD!!!! FRAUD!!!!! LLAMA!!! ORANGUTAN!!!! FRRAAAUUUDD!!!!"
"Dear Rubi G,
I am seeing a ménage à trios in your near future with you, a llama and an orangutan. In the future, do not provoke the wrath of the heavens.
Signed,
Madam Trelawney"
"YO Professor (that stinks at telling the future)
I know you hate potter but " SEEKER BOY" has a point why in the *BEEP* isn't he dead yet? or are you just a batty old fraud like ron sayz? oh yeah tell katherine that she's running out of luck if she keeps asking because obviously not one stinkin word you have said has helped her any.
the girl who sayz your a loony bin origina,
Ron and Harry's friend,
the flaming red headed Adenl"
"Dear Flaming red headed Aden,
Katherine may be running out of luck, but she seems to have an endless supply of cauldrons. I suggest you stay out of her way. As for Seeker Boy, he'll get his, soon. As for you, I predict that you will be running out of friends soon. Hope you enjoy funerals.
Signed,
Madam Trelawney."
"forget the" beeps" that was rude of me so n e wayz (No prob -- BM)
i'm a skitzofernic (not really just go along with me here) ('K) and we're okay now but
*-shut up bob i'm typing!* help me get rid of bob
*-no bob not the nice glass lamp! CHRASH!!!! stupid bob! now you have
to clean up this mess*
*- and the toilet bowl cleaner will not help!*"
Dear Bob,
Toilet bowl cleaner works on everything.
Go, boy, go!
Madam Trelawney"
"Private to Lunarian: Sorry, dear, the stars are not aligned correctly for Rowling to finish Book 5 this year. She's on her honeymoon, for crying out loud.
Signed,
Madam Trelawney."
"Dear Can't See the End of Her Nose, Much Less the Future,
Guess what, I'm not dead yet.
Love and Kisses,
Not-dead-yet-in-Gryffindor"
Grrr…
"Dear Madam Trelawny,
i've been having weird dreams about becoming a midget and bouncing around hogwarts. what does it mean?
Volde-ack! er, um TMR"
"Dear TMR,
This dream is all too easy to interpret. You feel shame and guilt over letting a snot-nosed brat defeat you no less than FOUR TIMES! (Age 1, Age 11, Age 12 and Age 14!) Will you just SNUFF HIM ALREADY! You're making me look bad, Dad.
Your loving daughter,
Sibyll"
*** ^^^ ***
Author's Notes:
Medrelina -- Whoa! I'm on your favorite author list! Thank you! That is sooo flattering! I like your stuff, too!
Katherine aka Star: I rule? Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying this bout of madness. I actually started writing this just so I'd have an excuse to have an account here at FanFiction.net.
Kanika Aubrey and Artemis Black -- Thanks for playing!
Rubi Granger -- Thanks for the Trelawney Flame! Loved it!
Kaylin: Thankies! Love your letter from Volde-ack! er, um TMR, I've been waiting for a chance to use that answer for a while!
Aden the 6th year Gryffindor -- Thanks for the input! Loved the comments from 'both' of you! Go, Bob, Go!
Lunarian: Thanks for the comment! Glad you think this is funny. (I'll be back to give you a fuller comment on your excellent horror story soon.) No, it's not likely Harry would sign himself as 'Four Eyes.' But then, this whole 'Ask Trelawney' business is extremely unlikely.
General: As for J.K. Rowling, I heard she got married recently. I'm betting that's part of the reason Book 5 is delayed. Last I heard, it won't be out until 2003!!!