***Angel's POV***
I could hear his slow steps from above as he made his way towards the stairs. He descending without even his signature cocky grin. I was shocked to see how he looked. I had known him for over one hundred and twenty years and I had never seen him look so sad, so tired, so worn. I imagine that that's how I must have looked like for the first few years of my 'soulfulness.' He looked like he was letting himself go. I could see his dark blonde roots growing in below his bleached hair. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, neither of us knew what to say.
"Spike," I said to him with a nod.
"Angelus," he replied. He still referred to me as Angelus, I have no idea why. Old habits die hard I guess.
We stood in awkward silence for god knows how long. Finally, without a worn, Spike walked past me and into the kitchen. I followed him and saw that he had pulled out a packet of blood.
"I have another one if you like," he told me without looking up from the refrigerator. He obviously was having trouble looking me in the eye, I assumed he was embarrassed for asking me for help. He was very capable and hating asking for anything, especially from me.
"No thanks."
"Suit yourself," he told me with a sigh.
"You look, thinner," I told him. Probably wasn't the best way to start conversation. But I had to say something because I knew he wouldn't start.
"Yeah, well, haven't been eating much lately. The constant feeling of nausea makes it kind of hard," he told me as he poured the blood as well as seltzer into a tall glass. I laughed at his strange mix of drinks.
"What's so funny?"
"Does it work?" I asked him.
"What?"
"The seltzer, does it help?"
"Not really. I like the bubbles."
I nodded and smiled. I had so many things that I truly wanted to ask him, but I wanted to be careful not to pick something too sensitive. Wow! I actually cared about how he felt. That was new.
He sat down at the island and I sat beside him on one of the stools. I decided that then was as good a time as any to break the silence.
"Why did you want me to come?"
He sighed and cocked his head. "I'm really sure myself. I just, it's-you know how this feels, you must. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I feel, it feels so empty. Like everything inside of me has been ripped away, and now all that's left is this horrible sadness and pain."
I nodded, I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"And then when I finally feel a little better. Buffy and Dawn try to be there for me. And then there's the guilt. Ten years ago, Dawn would have been just another meal; just another body. And, I love her so much, you know? And with Buffy, I've tried to kill her, and…"
He trailed off. He looked like he was going to cry. The only time that I ever saw him cry was the night that Drusilla turned him. I had a lot that I wanted to say to him, but I figured it would best to let him get out everything he wanted to say.
"I love her so much, Angel. It burns, and it aches, but when she's near me it's like everything's okay, and…" he stopped again. "She makes me feel like a good person. She's my muse, you know, she's the source of everything good in me. And when we would, when we were together, there was little voice telling me that I didn't deserve her."
That was his breaking point, tears fell from his eyes relentlessly. But he continued to speak.
"I wonder though, if I had gotten the chip out instead," his voice cracked as he spoke, "what would I have done to her. What would Dawn think of me?"
"Are you afraid you would have hurt them?" I asked.
"No, I'm afraid I would have hurt Buffy. And if I had hurt Buffy, Dawn would never, she'd hate me."
"So, you don't think you would have hurt Dawn?"
"Not would have, mat, could have. I don't think I could hurt her."
I smiled. "Well, there's some progress there," I assured him.
"So, is that it?" He asked, "is this what I have become. A mopey, broody character like you? No offense mate, but I really don't want to end up like you."
"That's okay, Spike, I don't want you to be like me either." We both laughed, I was actually enjoying spending a pleasant moment with my grandchilde.
"Let me tell you something Spike, I spent almost one hundred years with a soul before Buffy. I honed in on my brooding skills. And well, look at me, I'm a pro. Anyway, then came Buffy, and I began to question everything, about how I felt, who I was, etc. Then I left, and when I did, I left a little piece of myself with Buffy. I went to LA, and my brooding resumed. It took over two years to find something that gave me meaning, and do you know what that was, Spike?"
"Connor."
"Yes, Connor. He is my everything. Everything I have, everything I am, is him. And do you know where he came from. A curse, Darla was brought back and she messed up everything I had worked for. I abandoned my friends, my clients, everything I had to hunt her and Drusilla down. You may not realize this, but hurting them was one of the hardest things I ever had to do."
"Why's that?"
"You may not realize this, but regardless of whether or not I have a soul, I am deeply bonded by blood to them. Darla was my sire, I killed her once before, for Buffy. But now I didn't even have that so trying to kill her seemed pointless."
"What about Dru?"
"Well, you probably realized that she was my favorite childe."
"Of course."
"Anyway, out of all my pain and suffering, one night of lust with the woman I had been trying to kill brought about something I thought I could never have. I held her hand, and kissed her, and told her to hold on. Then she killed herself, and from her ashes cam my son. I hadn't felt that connected to her since the night she made me."
"This isn't too uplifting, I'll have you know. Is there a point, maybe a fun moral?"
"My point is, from something I thought was a curse, came my greatest blessing. I thought that being a vampire was the worst thing that could have happened to me since I got my soul back. But, if I had never become a vampire, I'd never have Connor. Right now, you may feel like having a soul is horrible, but you just need to find something to live for. I think you already do." I motioned to the young woman who was walking into the kitchen. He smiled at me and we both watched her walk into the kitchen.
"Sorry to interrupt."
"No need to apologize, Nibblet."
She smiled and walked toward the cabinet, taking out a Pop Tart. She ripped open the silver package and took out one, leaving the other in the box. She then walked over Spike and hugged him. He hugged back and kissed her forehead. She then, without a word, walked from the kitchen.
"Yeah," he said with a smile, "I've got something."
I placed my hand on his shoulder. "I know that I can never be with Buffy. And I don't want to try and push something that will never happen. But just as a little piece of advice, she worth working for, William."
He flinched a little at hearing his name, but then smiled. He genuinely looked like he was happy. He turned from the kitchen and walked briskly up the stairs; I followed him with curiosity. He walked into Buffy's room and took her hands. She stood up from her bed.
"What's the matter?" She asked worriedly.
"Nothing, that's the thing, everything's going to be okay. I see that now. I know that I'm not the type of man who deserves you, not yet. But I will show you, I love you so much Buffy."
From his words tears formed in her eyes. She said nothing but placed a soft kiss on his lips. He smiled and they both began to laugh.
"I can't believe this is happening," she told him. "I feel like I'm falling all the time."
"I'll catch you, I'll always-well, you know."
"I know."
I felt a tremendous amount of jealousy fill every part of my being. I wanted it to be me holding Buffy, kissing Buffy, having Buffy. But I knew deep down, that even Spike deserved a little happiness. I turned to walk back downstairs but Spike grabbed my shoulders.
"Thank you. You didn't have to come."
"I know."
"No, you can't comprehend how much it means to me. You were like a father to me and, I'm glad-"
"Spike, you're welcome. Okay?"
He nodded in agreement and I continued downstairs. I couldn't leave for quite sometime so I thought I'd, you know, reflect. And well, I've decided that, yeah, Spike did deserve a little happiness. And maybe now I had two somebodies, you know, to live for. Family is family, right?
I could hear his slow steps from above as he made his way towards the stairs. He descending without even his signature cocky grin. I was shocked to see how he looked. I had known him for over one hundred and twenty years and I had never seen him look so sad, so tired, so worn. I imagine that that's how I must have looked like for the first few years of my 'soulfulness.' He looked like he was letting himself go. I could see his dark blonde roots growing in below his bleached hair. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, neither of us knew what to say.
"Spike," I said to him with a nod.
"Angelus," he replied. He still referred to me as Angelus, I have no idea why. Old habits die hard I guess.
We stood in awkward silence for god knows how long. Finally, without a worn, Spike walked past me and into the kitchen. I followed him and saw that he had pulled out a packet of blood.
"I have another one if you like," he told me without looking up from the refrigerator. He obviously was having trouble looking me in the eye, I assumed he was embarrassed for asking me for help. He was very capable and hating asking for anything, especially from me.
"No thanks."
"Suit yourself," he told me with a sigh.
"You look, thinner," I told him. Probably wasn't the best way to start conversation. But I had to say something because I knew he wouldn't start.
"Yeah, well, haven't been eating much lately. The constant feeling of nausea makes it kind of hard," he told me as he poured the blood as well as seltzer into a tall glass. I laughed at his strange mix of drinks.
"What's so funny?"
"Does it work?" I asked him.
"What?"
"The seltzer, does it help?"
"Not really. I like the bubbles."
I nodded and smiled. I had so many things that I truly wanted to ask him, but I wanted to be careful not to pick something too sensitive. Wow! I actually cared about how he felt. That was new.
He sat down at the island and I sat beside him on one of the stools. I decided that then was as good a time as any to break the silence.
"Why did you want me to come?"
He sighed and cocked his head. "I'm really sure myself. I just, it's-you know how this feels, you must. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I feel, it feels so empty. Like everything inside of me has been ripped away, and now all that's left is this horrible sadness and pain."
I nodded, I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"And then when I finally feel a little better. Buffy and Dawn try to be there for me. And then there's the guilt. Ten years ago, Dawn would have been just another meal; just another body. And, I love her so much, you know? And with Buffy, I've tried to kill her, and…"
He trailed off. He looked like he was going to cry. The only time that I ever saw him cry was the night that Drusilla turned him. I had a lot that I wanted to say to him, but I figured it would best to let him get out everything he wanted to say.
"I love her so much, Angel. It burns, and it aches, but when she's near me it's like everything's okay, and…" he stopped again. "She makes me feel like a good person. She's my muse, you know, she's the source of everything good in me. And when we would, when we were together, there was little voice telling me that I didn't deserve her."
That was his breaking point, tears fell from his eyes relentlessly. But he continued to speak.
"I wonder though, if I had gotten the chip out instead," his voice cracked as he spoke, "what would I have done to her. What would Dawn think of me?"
"Are you afraid you would have hurt them?" I asked.
"No, I'm afraid I would have hurt Buffy. And if I had hurt Buffy, Dawn would never, she'd hate me."
"So, you don't think you would have hurt Dawn?"
"Not would have, mat, could have. I don't think I could hurt her."
I smiled. "Well, there's some progress there," I assured him.
"So, is that it?" He asked, "is this what I have become. A mopey, broody character like you? No offense mate, but I really don't want to end up like you."
"That's okay, Spike, I don't want you to be like me either." We both laughed, I was actually enjoying spending a pleasant moment with my grandchilde.
"Let me tell you something Spike, I spent almost one hundred years with a soul before Buffy. I honed in on my brooding skills. And well, look at me, I'm a pro. Anyway, then came Buffy, and I began to question everything, about how I felt, who I was, etc. Then I left, and when I did, I left a little piece of myself with Buffy. I went to LA, and my brooding resumed. It took over two years to find something that gave me meaning, and do you know what that was, Spike?"
"Connor."
"Yes, Connor. He is my everything. Everything I have, everything I am, is him. And do you know where he came from. A curse, Darla was brought back and she messed up everything I had worked for. I abandoned my friends, my clients, everything I had to hunt her and Drusilla down. You may not realize this, but hurting them was one of the hardest things I ever had to do."
"Why's that?"
"You may not realize this, but regardless of whether or not I have a soul, I am deeply bonded by blood to them. Darla was my sire, I killed her once before, for Buffy. But now I didn't even have that so trying to kill her seemed pointless."
"What about Dru?"
"Well, you probably realized that she was my favorite childe."
"Of course."
"Anyway, out of all my pain and suffering, one night of lust with the woman I had been trying to kill brought about something I thought I could never have. I held her hand, and kissed her, and told her to hold on. Then she killed herself, and from her ashes cam my son. I hadn't felt that connected to her since the night she made me."
"This isn't too uplifting, I'll have you know. Is there a point, maybe a fun moral?"
"My point is, from something I thought was a curse, came my greatest blessing. I thought that being a vampire was the worst thing that could have happened to me since I got my soul back. But, if I had never become a vampire, I'd never have Connor. Right now, you may feel like having a soul is horrible, but you just need to find something to live for. I think you already do." I motioned to the young woman who was walking into the kitchen. He smiled at me and we both watched her walk into the kitchen.
"Sorry to interrupt."
"No need to apologize, Nibblet."
She smiled and walked toward the cabinet, taking out a Pop Tart. She ripped open the silver package and took out one, leaving the other in the box. She then walked over Spike and hugged him. He hugged back and kissed her forehead. She then, without a word, walked from the kitchen.
"Yeah," he said with a smile, "I've got something."
I placed my hand on his shoulder. "I know that I can never be with Buffy. And I don't want to try and push something that will never happen. But just as a little piece of advice, she worth working for, William."
He flinched a little at hearing his name, but then smiled. He genuinely looked like he was happy. He turned from the kitchen and walked briskly up the stairs; I followed him with curiosity. He walked into Buffy's room and took her hands. She stood up from her bed.
"What's the matter?" She asked worriedly.
"Nothing, that's the thing, everything's going to be okay. I see that now. I know that I'm not the type of man who deserves you, not yet. But I will show you, I love you so much Buffy."
From his words tears formed in her eyes. She said nothing but placed a soft kiss on his lips. He smiled and they both began to laugh.
"I can't believe this is happening," she told him. "I feel like I'm falling all the time."
"I'll catch you, I'll always-well, you know."
"I know."
I felt a tremendous amount of jealousy fill every part of my being. I wanted it to be me holding Buffy, kissing Buffy, having Buffy. But I knew deep down, that even Spike deserved a little happiness. I turned to walk back downstairs but Spike grabbed my shoulders.
"Thank you. You didn't have to come."
"I know."
"No, you can't comprehend how much it means to me. You were like a father to me and, I'm glad-"
"Spike, you're welcome. Okay?"
He nodded in agreement and I continued downstairs. I couldn't leave for quite sometime so I thought I'd, you know, reflect. And well, I've decided that, yeah, Spike did deserve a little happiness. And maybe now I had two somebodies, you know, to live for. Family is family, right?