Just a little something: this chapter is from the 'Erts within'. Think of
it as Erts' bright, kind side, but not really, because Erts is all the same
person.
Ch.15: Nice Things
I didn't understand. What was I doing here? Before me there seemed to be endless lines of Victim, all waiting to go against me, and yet my actions were mechanical. In a sudden surge of emotion I heard myself laugh, a devilish, mocking laugh that suited a villain perfectly. A villain? When did I become a bad guy?
I panicked when I realized I couldn't do anything. It was like I had been put into permanent autopilot and was the pilot would couldn't control the aircraft. I could only watch, and observe. I trembled and felt weak; where was my ever-present EX, the one I had mastered? I couldn't do anything, couldn't reach out mentally, couldn't touch mindsets or influence thoughts. I felt very vulnerable. I felt like I was frozen, and I didn't like it.
I felt a hysterical laugh bubbling inside of me, and I screamed in enjoyment as it came out in a torrent of morbid fascination. The Victims, I thought. The Victims were angels. They had beautiful white wings. A voice told me they should be ripped off, destroyed completely. I was doing the right thing, wasn't I? I was getting rid of the enemy that had plagued Zion for so long. I didn't care if it was against the Bible or some other godforsaken holy book that I didn't believe in, just as long as my sword kept swinging and my madness keep building. All around me came the screams of the dead and dying, and I laughed and laughed and laughed in triumph. I had done what no one else had done! Never before had one man defeated an army.
I continued, and remembered I had a brother called Ernest. Ha! My fool of a brother gave me these clothes to wear, this position to take, this power to harness and control. Ah, yes, this control was awesome and truly mine to cast over others like a magical fishing net that trapped all. I was the most powerful. I could tighten the strings on necks and break them apart. I could spare people. Suddenly I realized that as a human and as a pilot of the Reneighd Klein I could do a lot. I could use minimal power and take a life and get away with it. I could take lives and give them. This was the power of humanity! I had discovered what humanities' power had become. Hands, hands, they could reach out and strangle Fate. I could do anything I wanted with it, twist and shape it to my wanting. And through my mind, sparks filtered and died in a net of dreams. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it, but felt that past die and trail along behind me like a bloody man behind a truck. Sometimes it bumped up and down and made me look back on it, but now I wouldn't look back. It was too much, too much for me to handle.
For a moment I had forgotten just what I had done. And then bile rose in my throat at the thought of two deaths. My mind screamed, What were you THINKING?, and even as I landed on this planet so like Zion, there was a pull, a pull that led me in a direction. If you do this you'll be saved, it told me, and I started to follow that voice. It led me over a ridge and to a building. There was one person standing there, in front of the door, and I recognized him. My heart cried out to him, Brother, brother, but he seemed not to hear me. Nor did I seem to let that message go, as if something was holding it back, as if part of me didn't want to tell my brother I was here.
The Reneighd Klein began to glow, faintly. I could see it, and for a moment I wondered what had triggered it. Then I heard that voice again, the voice of a woman, the voice of the Goddess. Kill him, she said softly, and she coaxed my arm up and over to him even as he began to speak words I couldn't hear. I tried to strain my ears. Brother, brother, what are you saying? You are saying horrible things, brother, that you don't love me, that I have changed into a monster. Guilt overrode me, and I found my head clutched in my hands, my mind frozen. I trusted, you brother, and in the deepest of my heart I somehow know that I still do. You are the first I ever trusted, and you taught me how important it was to trust you. And yet even as I broke that trust I knew you would forgive me, brother. Why are you saying that my actions are wrong, brother? You say I have killed Rioroute. Yes, brother, I did, but that was to save him from me. He would never find pain, that way. The Instructor was just like you, brother. He didn't understand until the last moment that I was just going to kill him anyway once I had obtained everything he had to teach. An irking spark of annoyance lit in me. My fingers curled around his diminutive form.
It was then I noticed them. Wings, unfurling from his back. He soared high above me, like the trust I had broken. He was taking it away! I worked for this. Aren't you proud of me, brother? I have become the pilot of the Reneighd Klein, I have mastered my EX reactions, I have destroyed the enemy of Zion. Brother, why don't you say nice things? I came here for you, brother. I want to grant you mercy. Don't you see, brother? If I kill you, then everything will be all right. You will be gone from me, and I will have fulfilled my promise to become the best pilot I could be. And I won't have you haunting around me forever, Ernest, because your death, like Rio's, will be gone from my mind soon.
Listen, my dear brother. I am granting you a favor. Ask anything, brother.
And then I hear you, in my mind. You swirl with colors in my mind, and you are telling me something. Green, a soft sea green. That is what you are showing me. But what do you mean? The picture of an earring, then slowly, slowly, the head turns, and there is Gareas. Ah, of course. You want me to spare him, don't you? Of course, he's the person you trust the most, the person you would die for a million times over.
I think about it for a moment. Then I reach up and crush you in my fist, like a fly. And I laugh as I say, "No can do, brother!". You scream and writhe against my fingers, but they are metal, brother. You are the bird, and I the cage. You will never escape my grasp, brother. You will disappear from my memory forever when I return. And I will leave out that you were ever here, alive on this pretty planet. I will say you died when you died as a HUMAN. Victims aren't human, brother. I don't know why you ever chose to come back as one to haunt me as one of those monsters.
What is this? Thoughts of warmth fill your head. And as I drop you and crouch to watch, a figure appears over the horizon, white and blue. You smile, brother, that smile that you used to give to me. It's that softened look that you get when I say I worry about you in battle, that I'm scared you might never come back. In those days we were brothers, but now you've replaced me. Gareas is everything to you, brother, so there's no need for me. That's not something nice, drifting away like we did. It's all your fault, brother, that you gave me this task and made me complete it. Even after death you haunted me. I guess it's all a wish, then, that you would leave me alone. You'll probably haunt me even past death when I go to Heaven or Hell, long past when Rio and the Instructor have faded from my mind.
I couldn't help it, brother. I smiled when your eyes died and I felt Gareas' mind give a shuddering little breath, trying to suck in everything at once. You're dead, brother, and there's nothing you can do about it. But even now, I can see your eyes are looking at me. But I won't wait to make your memory suffer. You'll have killed Gareas, in a way, however indirectly. I'll hurt you brother, and maybe you'll leave me alone. I talked with Gareas, for a moment, my voice sweet and sugary, provoking that anger. But he has learned from you, brother: his anger doesn't explode, it simmers like a thick soup in a cauldron, waiting, waiting to be used. Vengeance, brother. That is what this is all about. I'm getting back at you, brother, by killing the one you love the most. You'll have caused his death, brother! I tilted my head back and laughed.
Gareas, so naïve. He doesn't realize that this is YOUR fault, brother. Even now when I can't defend myself against him anymore, I can hear his laugh, and I can hear you laugh. It's all backfiring on me, brother. I did you a favor, brother, because by killing you I could do two things, and that was to forget you and make you disappear so that you wouldn't suffer from my hate anymore. I know it hurt you, brother. Right? You couldn't have been so forgiving that you still hated me for killing me, right? It was a mercy, brother! You can't be angry at me for that!
And yet, I feel your hands around my neck like Reneighd Klein's fingers around Agui Keimeia's neck. I can hear you shouts, your yells of "You killed him! You killed him!". Who, who did I kill, Ernest? Panic takes me under its surface. Answer me, brother! You kept things from me, knowing that I would become more power than you. Was it because you wanted to keep that power for yourself or was it because you were afraid of what I might do with it? Brother, brother, answer me! It's not nice that you kept things from me.
I remember saying that same thing to you, a long time ago. We were just kids back then. Mother told you to borrow my laptop because yours was in the repair shop. I can remember that yours was faster than mine by several lightspeeds, which meant you could download things faster. When I said no, Mother said, "That's not nice." But then you turned to her and said, "I don't need to, Mother. His computer isn't nice." I could remember feeling puzzled about why you said that, and why Mother got angry at you for saying that. Now I know. Brother, when did we start splitting apart?
I can't breathe, brother.
Help me, brother.
I know what I did wasn't nice, but can't you forgive me this once? I'll even spare Gareas for you. I promise. But your fingers just get tighter around my neck. I'm starting to cry, brother. Why is that? Who am I crying for? Is it for you? Is it for myself? Is it for Gareas?
I don't understand, brother. I thought it was all right. After all, humans were given this power to take lives or leave them. Why is such a crime to kill someone, brother? I don't understand. Tell me, brother! It isn't nice to keep things from me! You were always older, you always knew things, but some things you never told me! I don't like you for that, brother! It's not nice because I trusted you! What's wrong with you, brother? WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?
I feel my back scratch into a nearby wall, then my legs crumple under me. No, it wasn't you who betrayed you or you betrayed me. We're even, brother, aren't we? You kept something from me and I didn't save you. There. Even. So why do you keep hurting me? Brother, I trusted you and I still do. Your memory follows me around because I can see you in the walls of this place, this sweet air, the grass over there, the blue sky. Brother, you were beautiful. And now I realize that I'm not that way, am I? You were not a monster, nor were any of the Victims. We were all angels one day, brother. They had their planet to protect too, their families and their lives. I wonder how I could have overlooked that. I thought Victims were just things that came to us, trying to find more land, but how could this be if their planet is just as beautiful as ours? I was mistaken brother. Now, please stop hurting me. Your hands are still around my neck, still choking my life out. Please stop, brother.
Brother, I loved you. I still do, brother. Please let go.
And then I fell backwards and the grip loosened. Gone, gone. Where was I going? I wasn't sure. But I knew it wasn't to G.O.A. If I had tried to open my eyes, I don't think I would've had any energy to do so. My eyelids are so heavy, brother. It's getting dark, brother. I think I'm dead, brother.
I don't care, though. I get it now. The reason I couldn't forget you was because I loved you the whole time. Please let go, brother. It's not nice to dwell in the past. There, that's nice, brother. I always liked music. This is some of music that the Victims used to sing, isn't it? Soulful, without words, without meanings, but still beautiful. Brother, you sing so well. That's a nice thing to say, right? I'm sorry brother, I guess I wasn't very nice, was I? But I'm still only your little brother, right? You don't mind if I sit here and listen, do you? I see you smile and hear you say okay. I sit down, crosslegged, and close my eyes. You start singing again. Oh, brother, that's very nice. A very nice thing.
Ch.15: Nice Things
I didn't understand. What was I doing here? Before me there seemed to be endless lines of Victim, all waiting to go against me, and yet my actions were mechanical. In a sudden surge of emotion I heard myself laugh, a devilish, mocking laugh that suited a villain perfectly. A villain? When did I become a bad guy?
I panicked when I realized I couldn't do anything. It was like I had been put into permanent autopilot and was the pilot would couldn't control the aircraft. I could only watch, and observe. I trembled and felt weak; where was my ever-present EX, the one I had mastered? I couldn't do anything, couldn't reach out mentally, couldn't touch mindsets or influence thoughts. I felt very vulnerable. I felt like I was frozen, and I didn't like it.
I felt a hysterical laugh bubbling inside of me, and I screamed in enjoyment as it came out in a torrent of morbid fascination. The Victims, I thought. The Victims were angels. They had beautiful white wings. A voice told me they should be ripped off, destroyed completely. I was doing the right thing, wasn't I? I was getting rid of the enemy that had plagued Zion for so long. I didn't care if it was against the Bible or some other godforsaken holy book that I didn't believe in, just as long as my sword kept swinging and my madness keep building. All around me came the screams of the dead and dying, and I laughed and laughed and laughed in triumph. I had done what no one else had done! Never before had one man defeated an army.
I continued, and remembered I had a brother called Ernest. Ha! My fool of a brother gave me these clothes to wear, this position to take, this power to harness and control. Ah, yes, this control was awesome and truly mine to cast over others like a magical fishing net that trapped all. I was the most powerful. I could tighten the strings on necks and break them apart. I could spare people. Suddenly I realized that as a human and as a pilot of the Reneighd Klein I could do a lot. I could use minimal power and take a life and get away with it. I could take lives and give them. This was the power of humanity! I had discovered what humanities' power had become. Hands, hands, they could reach out and strangle Fate. I could do anything I wanted with it, twist and shape it to my wanting. And through my mind, sparks filtered and died in a net of dreams. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it, but felt that past die and trail along behind me like a bloody man behind a truck. Sometimes it bumped up and down and made me look back on it, but now I wouldn't look back. It was too much, too much for me to handle.
For a moment I had forgotten just what I had done. And then bile rose in my throat at the thought of two deaths. My mind screamed, What were you THINKING?, and even as I landed on this planet so like Zion, there was a pull, a pull that led me in a direction. If you do this you'll be saved, it told me, and I started to follow that voice. It led me over a ridge and to a building. There was one person standing there, in front of the door, and I recognized him. My heart cried out to him, Brother, brother, but he seemed not to hear me. Nor did I seem to let that message go, as if something was holding it back, as if part of me didn't want to tell my brother I was here.
The Reneighd Klein began to glow, faintly. I could see it, and for a moment I wondered what had triggered it. Then I heard that voice again, the voice of a woman, the voice of the Goddess. Kill him, she said softly, and she coaxed my arm up and over to him even as he began to speak words I couldn't hear. I tried to strain my ears. Brother, brother, what are you saying? You are saying horrible things, brother, that you don't love me, that I have changed into a monster. Guilt overrode me, and I found my head clutched in my hands, my mind frozen. I trusted, you brother, and in the deepest of my heart I somehow know that I still do. You are the first I ever trusted, and you taught me how important it was to trust you. And yet even as I broke that trust I knew you would forgive me, brother. Why are you saying that my actions are wrong, brother? You say I have killed Rioroute. Yes, brother, I did, but that was to save him from me. He would never find pain, that way. The Instructor was just like you, brother. He didn't understand until the last moment that I was just going to kill him anyway once I had obtained everything he had to teach. An irking spark of annoyance lit in me. My fingers curled around his diminutive form.
It was then I noticed them. Wings, unfurling from his back. He soared high above me, like the trust I had broken. He was taking it away! I worked for this. Aren't you proud of me, brother? I have become the pilot of the Reneighd Klein, I have mastered my EX reactions, I have destroyed the enemy of Zion. Brother, why don't you say nice things? I came here for you, brother. I want to grant you mercy. Don't you see, brother? If I kill you, then everything will be all right. You will be gone from me, and I will have fulfilled my promise to become the best pilot I could be. And I won't have you haunting around me forever, Ernest, because your death, like Rio's, will be gone from my mind soon.
Listen, my dear brother. I am granting you a favor. Ask anything, brother.
And then I hear you, in my mind. You swirl with colors in my mind, and you are telling me something. Green, a soft sea green. That is what you are showing me. But what do you mean? The picture of an earring, then slowly, slowly, the head turns, and there is Gareas. Ah, of course. You want me to spare him, don't you? Of course, he's the person you trust the most, the person you would die for a million times over.
I think about it for a moment. Then I reach up and crush you in my fist, like a fly. And I laugh as I say, "No can do, brother!". You scream and writhe against my fingers, but they are metal, brother. You are the bird, and I the cage. You will never escape my grasp, brother. You will disappear from my memory forever when I return. And I will leave out that you were ever here, alive on this pretty planet. I will say you died when you died as a HUMAN. Victims aren't human, brother. I don't know why you ever chose to come back as one to haunt me as one of those monsters.
What is this? Thoughts of warmth fill your head. And as I drop you and crouch to watch, a figure appears over the horizon, white and blue. You smile, brother, that smile that you used to give to me. It's that softened look that you get when I say I worry about you in battle, that I'm scared you might never come back. In those days we were brothers, but now you've replaced me. Gareas is everything to you, brother, so there's no need for me. That's not something nice, drifting away like we did. It's all your fault, brother, that you gave me this task and made me complete it. Even after death you haunted me. I guess it's all a wish, then, that you would leave me alone. You'll probably haunt me even past death when I go to Heaven or Hell, long past when Rio and the Instructor have faded from my mind.
I couldn't help it, brother. I smiled when your eyes died and I felt Gareas' mind give a shuddering little breath, trying to suck in everything at once. You're dead, brother, and there's nothing you can do about it. But even now, I can see your eyes are looking at me. But I won't wait to make your memory suffer. You'll have killed Gareas, in a way, however indirectly. I'll hurt you brother, and maybe you'll leave me alone. I talked with Gareas, for a moment, my voice sweet and sugary, provoking that anger. But he has learned from you, brother: his anger doesn't explode, it simmers like a thick soup in a cauldron, waiting, waiting to be used. Vengeance, brother. That is what this is all about. I'm getting back at you, brother, by killing the one you love the most. You'll have caused his death, brother! I tilted my head back and laughed.
Gareas, so naïve. He doesn't realize that this is YOUR fault, brother. Even now when I can't defend myself against him anymore, I can hear his laugh, and I can hear you laugh. It's all backfiring on me, brother. I did you a favor, brother, because by killing you I could do two things, and that was to forget you and make you disappear so that you wouldn't suffer from my hate anymore. I know it hurt you, brother. Right? You couldn't have been so forgiving that you still hated me for killing me, right? It was a mercy, brother! You can't be angry at me for that!
And yet, I feel your hands around my neck like Reneighd Klein's fingers around Agui Keimeia's neck. I can hear you shouts, your yells of "You killed him! You killed him!". Who, who did I kill, Ernest? Panic takes me under its surface. Answer me, brother! You kept things from me, knowing that I would become more power than you. Was it because you wanted to keep that power for yourself or was it because you were afraid of what I might do with it? Brother, brother, answer me! It's not nice that you kept things from me.
I remember saying that same thing to you, a long time ago. We were just kids back then. Mother told you to borrow my laptop because yours was in the repair shop. I can remember that yours was faster than mine by several lightspeeds, which meant you could download things faster. When I said no, Mother said, "That's not nice." But then you turned to her and said, "I don't need to, Mother. His computer isn't nice." I could remember feeling puzzled about why you said that, and why Mother got angry at you for saying that. Now I know. Brother, when did we start splitting apart?
I can't breathe, brother.
Help me, brother.
I know what I did wasn't nice, but can't you forgive me this once? I'll even spare Gareas for you. I promise. But your fingers just get tighter around my neck. I'm starting to cry, brother. Why is that? Who am I crying for? Is it for you? Is it for myself? Is it for Gareas?
I don't understand, brother. I thought it was all right. After all, humans were given this power to take lives or leave them. Why is such a crime to kill someone, brother? I don't understand. Tell me, brother! It isn't nice to keep things from me! You were always older, you always knew things, but some things you never told me! I don't like you for that, brother! It's not nice because I trusted you! What's wrong with you, brother? WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?
I feel my back scratch into a nearby wall, then my legs crumple under me. No, it wasn't you who betrayed you or you betrayed me. We're even, brother, aren't we? You kept something from me and I didn't save you. There. Even. So why do you keep hurting me? Brother, I trusted you and I still do. Your memory follows me around because I can see you in the walls of this place, this sweet air, the grass over there, the blue sky. Brother, you were beautiful. And now I realize that I'm not that way, am I? You were not a monster, nor were any of the Victims. We were all angels one day, brother. They had their planet to protect too, their families and their lives. I wonder how I could have overlooked that. I thought Victims were just things that came to us, trying to find more land, but how could this be if their planet is just as beautiful as ours? I was mistaken brother. Now, please stop hurting me. Your hands are still around my neck, still choking my life out. Please stop, brother.
Brother, I loved you. I still do, brother. Please let go.
And then I fell backwards and the grip loosened. Gone, gone. Where was I going? I wasn't sure. But I knew it wasn't to G.O.A. If I had tried to open my eyes, I don't think I would've had any energy to do so. My eyelids are so heavy, brother. It's getting dark, brother. I think I'm dead, brother.
I don't care, though. I get it now. The reason I couldn't forget you was because I loved you the whole time. Please let go, brother. It's not nice to dwell in the past. There, that's nice, brother. I always liked music. This is some of music that the Victims used to sing, isn't it? Soulful, without words, without meanings, but still beautiful. Brother, you sing so well. That's a nice thing to say, right? I'm sorry brother, I guess I wasn't very nice, was I? But I'm still only your little brother, right? You don't mind if I sit here and listen, do you? I see you smile and hear you say okay. I sit down, crosslegged, and close my eyes. You start singing again. Oh, brother, that's very nice. A very nice thing.