(Camera is on front door as we see Satine come in, looking frustrated, carrying a newspaper.)
Satine (shrieking really high-pitched): CHRISTIAN! WHAT IS THIS CRAP??!! Look at this headline: "Ewan McGregor, Moulin Rouge's 'Christian', plays Obi-Wan Kenobi excellently." Why don't you just quit lying. You're in love with someone else. And it's not even a woman.
Frogger (hopping by): You better hope Obi didn't sing Come What May to him, I mean, he's got that sexy Force thing going on already and…
(Frogger is stomped on by Satine.)
Frogger: CROAK.
(The Duke comes in still screaming about Carson Daly.)
Duke: OH MY GOD. Carson Dumbass is still trying to attack me…and…and…NOOOOOOO! (Looks panicked and grabs a random large metal bar, which looks rather like a lightsabre at the moment. He begins to swing it at Satine, who looks like she could care less.)
Christian (from upstairs): Obi-Wan, is that you?
Satine: I've had enough. I'm off to find someone else. (Goes out of the house and slams the door).
Duke: She…she killed Frogger! (Runs crying like a baby from the room).
Frogger (to himself and the camera): Is he gone? Thank God. It's bad enough that he doesn't have a name and that he lived in his parent's basement where all he did was hack into weird government sites and make conspiracy theories, but did you know that he once attacked me with a cane?! A wooden cane! Those things hurt, man! I mean, I was sitting in this nice little grassy spot under a tree, having a frog picnic, a very important picnic thank you with all my friends, when suddenly I hear "My dear, a little frog!" Just as I was thinking, "I am not little," he smashes me with the damn cane, in some kinda spastic rage. He should take an anger-management course.
(Cameraman is beginning to have trouble holding the camera up for so long).
Frogger (continuing): Of course, I haven't ever had a great life. There was my troubled childhood, where my parents were both killed in similar manners by one kid, and geez, I just KNOW it was that same Dukey when he was younger that killed them. What is his problem with frogs anyways, he -
Zidler (coming down the stairs): Shut up. (to the camera): Don't let him bother you with his stupid monologues again. He wants to be a star. He keeps saying that one day he'll be a real actor, in a real theatre. What the hell. I happen to know he smoked weed for like 5 years, I mean, I used to get it from him. Err…whoops.
(Zidler runs off quickly coughing like nothing happened. Camera goes upstairs. Upstairs, in the big room, we find "Bob" the Argentinean watching N*SYNC in concert. Cameraman almost throws up.)
"Bob" (to camera): Oh hello, Mr. MTV Man, I am practicing my new dance moves. Care to join me? I'm very talented.
Toulouse (from behind the bar): You manage to work "talent" into every sentence.
"Bob": (Evil laughter, then coughing): Umm, anyway. Yeah, so like the only dance I knew was from the brothels in Buenos Aires, and I see that is totally not hip here in the U.S. of A. And I have also found out how to totally talk cooler. Dontcha like it?
(Cameraman stumbles for a moment, laughing hysterically at the site of this almost 7 foot man talking like a teenage girl. "Bob" The Argentinean then begins to do the "Bye Bye Bye" dance.)
Toulouse: That's it, I really need more absinthe.
Green Fairy: I don't think any amount of absinthe will get that out of your mind.
Toulouse: You think that's bad? You should have seen him when he first learned about disco and was doing John Travolta…
(Door opens, Satie randomly walks through.)
Satie: Dang that Frank, can anyone tell me what two minus one is?
(Satie walks out.)
Toulouse: That was weird.
(Christian enters, this time only in boxers. "Bob" immediately stops dancing and fixes his eyes on him.)
Christian: I will kill that bloody Duke.
"Bob": Wha…wow, umm…what happened this time? It's ok, you can tell me honey.
(Christian moves as far away from him as he can go.)
Christian (while trying to shrug "Bob's" hands off his shoulders, says to camera): That freakin Duke took my Sex Pistols shirt, which I stole from someone in a mosh pit thank you very much -
"Bob": I wish I had been in that mosh pit…Erm…you didn't hear that.
Christian (almost freaking out now because "Bob" is holding his hand): Then he took my jeans. I swear by the end of today I'll be naked.
("Bob" perks up. At this moment, Satine enters, holding a Yoda doll that talks. Unfortunately, she catches "Bob" and Christian holding hands.)
Satine: Dammit, Christian, do you have a commitment problem or what? Well at least I found someone new. (Holds up Yoda doll for everyone to see, and squeezes it to make it talk.)
Yoda doll: Fear, anger, hate, the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
Satine (snuggling Yoda doll): I think you're so sexy when you say that.
Christian (has been astonished this whole time): You left me for a bloody doll? And you're telling me I have a commitment problems. But, haha, you know deep down inside you're really liking me looking gorgeous in boxers right now… (Strikes a modeling pose.)
Yoda doll: Hot, Christian is. Love him, I do.
(Satine throws the Yoda doll on the ground and stomps out. End music plays. As camera fades to darkness we hear an anonymous voice say):
"I had two shoes, now I have one, two minus one…DAMN YOU FRANK, you know I'm no good at adding…"
Satine (shrieking really high-pitched): CHRISTIAN! WHAT IS THIS CRAP??!! Look at this headline: "Ewan McGregor, Moulin Rouge's 'Christian', plays Obi-Wan Kenobi excellently." Why don't you just quit lying. You're in love with someone else. And it's not even a woman.
Frogger (hopping by): You better hope Obi didn't sing Come What May to him, I mean, he's got that sexy Force thing going on already and…
(Frogger is stomped on by Satine.)
Frogger: CROAK.
(The Duke comes in still screaming about Carson Daly.)
Duke: OH MY GOD. Carson Dumbass is still trying to attack me…and…and…NOOOOOOO! (Looks panicked and grabs a random large metal bar, which looks rather like a lightsabre at the moment. He begins to swing it at Satine, who looks like she could care less.)
Christian (from upstairs): Obi-Wan, is that you?
Satine: I've had enough. I'm off to find someone else. (Goes out of the house and slams the door).
Duke: She…she killed Frogger! (Runs crying like a baby from the room).
Frogger (to himself and the camera): Is he gone? Thank God. It's bad enough that he doesn't have a name and that he lived in his parent's basement where all he did was hack into weird government sites and make conspiracy theories, but did you know that he once attacked me with a cane?! A wooden cane! Those things hurt, man! I mean, I was sitting in this nice little grassy spot under a tree, having a frog picnic, a very important picnic thank you with all my friends, when suddenly I hear "My dear, a little frog!" Just as I was thinking, "I am not little," he smashes me with the damn cane, in some kinda spastic rage. He should take an anger-management course.
(Cameraman is beginning to have trouble holding the camera up for so long).
Frogger (continuing): Of course, I haven't ever had a great life. There was my troubled childhood, where my parents were both killed in similar manners by one kid, and geez, I just KNOW it was that same Dukey when he was younger that killed them. What is his problem with frogs anyways, he -
Zidler (coming down the stairs): Shut up. (to the camera): Don't let him bother you with his stupid monologues again. He wants to be a star. He keeps saying that one day he'll be a real actor, in a real theatre. What the hell. I happen to know he smoked weed for like 5 years, I mean, I used to get it from him. Err…whoops.
(Zidler runs off quickly coughing like nothing happened. Camera goes upstairs. Upstairs, in the big room, we find "Bob" the Argentinean watching N*SYNC in concert. Cameraman almost throws up.)
"Bob" (to camera): Oh hello, Mr. MTV Man, I am practicing my new dance moves. Care to join me? I'm very talented.
Toulouse (from behind the bar): You manage to work "talent" into every sentence.
"Bob": (Evil laughter, then coughing): Umm, anyway. Yeah, so like the only dance I knew was from the brothels in Buenos Aires, and I see that is totally not hip here in the U.S. of A. And I have also found out how to totally talk cooler. Dontcha like it?
(Cameraman stumbles for a moment, laughing hysterically at the site of this almost 7 foot man talking like a teenage girl. "Bob" The Argentinean then begins to do the "Bye Bye Bye" dance.)
Toulouse: That's it, I really need more absinthe.
Green Fairy: I don't think any amount of absinthe will get that out of your mind.
Toulouse: You think that's bad? You should have seen him when he first learned about disco and was doing John Travolta…
(Door opens, Satie randomly walks through.)
Satie: Dang that Frank, can anyone tell me what two minus one is?
(Satie walks out.)
Toulouse: That was weird.
(Christian enters, this time only in boxers. "Bob" immediately stops dancing and fixes his eyes on him.)
Christian: I will kill that bloody Duke.
"Bob": Wha…wow, umm…what happened this time? It's ok, you can tell me honey.
(Christian moves as far away from him as he can go.)
Christian (while trying to shrug "Bob's" hands off his shoulders, says to camera): That freakin Duke took my Sex Pistols shirt, which I stole from someone in a mosh pit thank you very much -
"Bob": I wish I had been in that mosh pit…Erm…you didn't hear that.
Christian (almost freaking out now because "Bob" is holding his hand): Then he took my jeans. I swear by the end of today I'll be naked.
("Bob" perks up. At this moment, Satine enters, holding a Yoda doll that talks. Unfortunately, she catches "Bob" and Christian holding hands.)
Satine: Dammit, Christian, do you have a commitment problem or what? Well at least I found someone new. (Holds up Yoda doll for everyone to see, and squeezes it to make it talk.)
Yoda doll: Fear, anger, hate, the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
Satine (snuggling Yoda doll): I think you're so sexy when you say that.
Christian (has been astonished this whole time): You left me for a bloody doll? And you're telling me I have a commitment problems. But, haha, you know deep down inside you're really liking me looking gorgeous in boxers right now… (Strikes a modeling pose.)
Yoda doll: Hot, Christian is. Love him, I do.
(Satine throws the Yoda doll on the ground and stomps out. End music plays. As camera fades to darkness we hear an anonymous voice say):
"I had two shoes, now I have one, two minus one…DAMN YOU FRANK, you know I'm no good at adding…"