Wounded
By: *Heather*
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby...
Chapter 4: Because of me
*~*~*~*~*
"You shouldn't have been working on her."
Carter sat at the table in the lounge with his head in his hands. The thought of talking, moving, or even thinking seemed impossible. Susan stood in the door with her hands helplessly at her sides. She spoke with a soft, sad tone.
"I'm not gonna pretend to know what went on between you two during the lockdown. But something obviously did. You were clearly affected by it, to say the very least. You shouldn't have had to do this. Why didn't you come and get me?"
He slowly picked his head up and leaned it on his hands.
"I wasn't exactly thinking about myself at the time."
Susan sighed deeply. "You're off in a half hour. Maybe you should leave now, I could cover for you..."
Carter just shook his head and continued to stare at the void of emptiness that lay before him.
*~*~*~*~*
She came back slowly; trying so desperately to hang on to the unconscious world, but waking up was inevitable. The first thing to return to her was her hearing. The steady beep, beep of the heart monitor told her exactly where she was; the exact place she didn't want to be. Abby regretted opening her eyes before she even achieved the feat. One look around brought even more bad news- she was at County. Then came the pain.
The guilt trip, the depression, and the entire events from the past few days were like sunshine compared to the pain Abby was experiencing at this moment. It started with a massive headache and extended to every molecule in her body. It felt like every part of her was bruised, slashed or broken.
Then came the worst element of all- the memory.
It was all so fast, so real... It felt like she was being hit by another truck. Some of the events remained fuzzy, but others returned with a powerful vengeance. A terrible thought crept into her mind; a thought too scary and dismal to linger on, but which stayed at the back of her brain no matter how hard she wished it to leave. She began wishing the accident had just put her out of her misery- permanently.
Abby was brought abruptly out of her thoughts by the sound of the white sheet that surrounded her being pulled roughly away. The harsh sound made her head pound like a jackhammer. Abby's eyes adjusted to the new light and she slowly looked up at the person standing at the end of her bed, checking her charts.
"Carter...," she whispered softly before she could stop herself. When he looked into her eyes, Abby felt like dying all over again.
"You're awake," he said as he injected her IV with some painkiller.
"Barely..."
"Are you in any pain?"
The question was almost funny to her.
"My head... Mostly my stomach..."
"Well, a car accident and a serious hangover will do that to ya."
Abby closed her eyes and wished she were still unconscious. At least then she wouldn't be having this conversation.
"How many did you have, Abby? Five? Six? Did you lose count?"
"Stop..."
"Your blood-alcohol level was off the charts. I thought you were sober; you told me you were sober."
"Please, stop..."
"How can I stop, Abby? How can I stop when you wont?"
The tears stung the tiny cuts that dotted Abby's face. Silence dominated the room. She couldn't handle this...
"Do you remember anything?" Carter's voice was monotonous once again.
"No," Abby lied.
"Why would you do this, Abby? Why would you get in a car for Christ's sake???"
"I told you, I don't remember..."
Carter walked over and sat in the chair beside Abby's bed. He took her hand and squeezed it tight.
"Why wont you tell me the truth? Why wont you let me help you?" The look on his face was unbearably desperate. Abby looked away.
"I can't do that to you! Don't you get it? You have no idea what you're asking for, what you're setting yourself up for!"
Carter was silent for a moment. Abby could feel his eyes burning into her. He squeezed her hand again and spoke.
"Look at me."
Abby didn't move.
"Abby, look at me!" He said the words with such an intensity that she had to face him. When her eyes met his, she swore she heard her heart monitor speed up about 20 times.
"I don't care. I want you Abby. I don't care what kind of 'excess baggage' comes with it. I want you, the whole you. I'm in love with every part of you, and there's nothing you could ever say or do that would scare me off. Do you have any idea what was going through my head when I saw you pulled out of that ambulance?!? I was so scared I had lost you..."
By now, Abby's tears were flowing freely down her face. Carter reached up his other hand to gently wipe them away.
"Please Abby, let me be there for you. I would do anything just to be there for you..."
"John, please don't do this..."
"No Abby. I'm not going to let this happen to you again. Please, just tell me... everything..."
Abby's head was swarming with so many thoughts it felt as though she might explode. How could he really be saying this to her? It was everything she had ever wanted to hear; it was her dream. God, she loved him so much... It seemed impossible for her to love someone so much...
"I don't deserve this... You don't deserve this... I can't let you do this to yourself."
"I can't leave you like this. Stop putting yourself down. I already told you, I want to help you."
"What if you can't help me?!?" Abby started weeping again. "If you even try to, it would ruin your life! I would ruin your life, John!"
Carter paused before he spoke again.
"Did you start drinking because of me?"
Abby looked at him with the last bit of determination she had left.
"I started drinking because of me. Because of what I did to you. Because I hated myself for doing it. It was because of me, never you."
Carter's eyes were beginning to water as he stroked Abby's face and hair. Abby could barely keep her eyes open as the drugs started to work their magic.
"Carter..."
"Shhh... Don't worry, I'll be here when you wake up, I promise..."
"I'm so sorry..." Abby's words trailed off as sleep claimed her once again.
By: *Heather*
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby...
Chapter 4: Because of me
*~*~*~*~*
"You shouldn't have been working on her."
Carter sat at the table in the lounge with his head in his hands. The thought of talking, moving, or even thinking seemed impossible. Susan stood in the door with her hands helplessly at her sides. She spoke with a soft, sad tone.
"I'm not gonna pretend to know what went on between you two during the lockdown. But something obviously did. You were clearly affected by it, to say the very least. You shouldn't have had to do this. Why didn't you come and get me?"
He slowly picked his head up and leaned it on his hands.
"I wasn't exactly thinking about myself at the time."
Susan sighed deeply. "You're off in a half hour. Maybe you should leave now, I could cover for you..."
Carter just shook his head and continued to stare at the void of emptiness that lay before him.
*~*~*~*~*
She came back slowly; trying so desperately to hang on to the unconscious world, but waking up was inevitable. The first thing to return to her was her hearing. The steady beep, beep of the heart monitor told her exactly where she was; the exact place she didn't want to be. Abby regretted opening her eyes before she even achieved the feat. One look around brought even more bad news- she was at County. Then came the pain.
The guilt trip, the depression, and the entire events from the past few days were like sunshine compared to the pain Abby was experiencing at this moment. It started with a massive headache and extended to every molecule in her body. It felt like every part of her was bruised, slashed or broken.
Then came the worst element of all- the memory.
It was all so fast, so real... It felt like she was being hit by another truck. Some of the events remained fuzzy, but others returned with a powerful vengeance. A terrible thought crept into her mind; a thought too scary and dismal to linger on, but which stayed at the back of her brain no matter how hard she wished it to leave. She began wishing the accident had just put her out of her misery- permanently.
Abby was brought abruptly out of her thoughts by the sound of the white sheet that surrounded her being pulled roughly away. The harsh sound made her head pound like a jackhammer. Abby's eyes adjusted to the new light and she slowly looked up at the person standing at the end of her bed, checking her charts.
"Carter...," she whispered softly before she could stop herself. When he looked into her eyes, Abby felt like dying all over again.
"You're awake," he said as he injected her IV with some painkiller.
"Barely..."
"Are you in any pain?"
The question was almost funny to her.
"My head... Mostly my stomach..."
"Well, a car accident and a serious hangover will do that to ya."
Abby closed her eyes and wished she were still unconscious. At least then she wouldn't be having this conversation.
"How many did you have, Abby? Five? Six? Did you lose count?"
"Stop..."
"Your blood-alcohol level was off the charts. I thought you were sober; you told me you were sober."
"Please, stop..."
"How can I stop, Abby? How can I stop when you wont?"
The tears stung the tiny cuts that dotted Abby's face. Silence dominated the room. She couldn't handle this...
"Do you remember anything?" Carter's voice was monotonous once again.
"No," Abby lied.
"Why would you do this, Abby? Why would you get in a car for Christ's sake???"
"I told you, I don't remember..."
Carter walked over and sat in the chair beside Abby's bed. He took her hand and squeezed it tight.
"Why wont you tell me the truth? Why wont you let me help you?" The look on his face was unbearably desperate. Abby looked away.
"I can't do that to you! Don't you get it? You have no idea what you're asking for, what you're setting yourself up for!"
Carter was silent for a moment. Abby could feel his eyes burning into her. He squeezed her hand again and spoke.
"Look at me."
Abby didn't move.
"Abby, look at me!" He said the words with such an intensity that she had to face him. When her eyes met his, she swore she heard her heart monitor speed up about 20 times.
"I don't care. I want you Abby. I don't care what kind of 'excess baggage' comes with it. I want you, the whole you. I'm in love with every part of you, and there's nothing you could ever say or do that would scare me off. Do you have any idea what was going through my head when I saw you pulled out of that ambulance?!? I was so scared I had lost you..."
By now, Abby's tears were flowing freely down her face. Carter reached up his other hand to gently wipe them away.
"Please Abby, let me be there for you. I would do anything just to be there for you..."
"John, please don't do this..."
"No Abby. I'm not going to let this happen to you again. Please, just tell me... everything..."
Abby's head was swarming with so many thoughts it felt as though she might explode. How could he really be saying this to her? It was everything she had ever wanted to hear; it was her dream. God, she loved him so much... It seemed impossible for her to love someone so much...
"I don't deserve this... You don't deserve this... I can't let you do this to yourself."
"I can't leave you like this. Stop putting yourself down. I already told you, I want to help you."
"What if you can't help me?!?" Abby started weeping again. "If you even try to, it would ruin your life! I would ruin your life, John!"
Carter paused before he spoke again.
"Did you start drinking because of me?"
Abby looked at him with the last bit of determination she had left.
"I started drinking because of me. Because of what I did to you. Because I hated myself for doing it. It was because of me, never you."
Carter's eyes were beginning to water as he stroked Abby's face and hair. Abby could barely keep her eyes open as the drugs started to work their magic.
"Carter..."
"Shhh... Don't worry, I'll be here when you wake up, I promise..."
"I'm so sorry..." Abby's words trailed off as sleep claimed her once again.