What You Didn't Know About Legolas After the LoTR
Chapter 1
1 Legolas
So I was like sitting around having breakfast one day, and all of a sudden this guy comes in. And I was like, "Who are you?"
He was like, "I'm Aragorn."
That name sounded familiar, but I had like, no idea what this guy was doing in my palace.
"Hi, Aragorn," I acted like I knew the guy, even though I wouldn't be caught dead with a guy in that outfit anyway.
"Legolas…you look so…well fed…" Aragorn said. I had like no idea what he was implying, so I just smiled and sent my servant away. I sat up…it's been harder to do that lately.
"It's really been…too long…you know…since the whole fellowship thing…" The solicitor said, and that's when I remembered where I knew him from. "So, what have you been up to?"
This man was beginning to bother me. First, he comes in to disturb my breakfast and makes me dismiss my servant, and then he has the nerve to ask me questions.
"Nothing," I said, determined to make him go away, "I was eating my breakfast, and I should still like to be eating my breakfast."
Aragorn fidgeted nervously, my powerful figure must have invoked some sort of fear into him, serves him right, that selfish bitch.
"Don't you think you've had enough f—breakfast?" he asked. More questions, enough questions!
"I think I know when I've had enough breakfast, thank you very much, but I don't think you know how to take a hint," Aragorn was seriously starting to bother me, I didn't know like what he was talking about.
Aragorn was like, "Ok, if you say so. Do you wanna go…you know…like pick up some chicks at Rivendell? Elrond is gone for the week."
At first, the thought was like, totally appealing, but then, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't that require me to get out of my chair?" So I was like, "Nah, that's ok. Is there any way you could bring the chicks here?"
Aragorn looked at me disgustedly, and was like, "Pshaw-yeah, right, man."
I didn't understand…why did he look disgusted if he said yes? But anyway, I was getting hungry, so I said, "Don't you have like, some orcs to kill or something?"
He was like, "No."
And I was like, "Well, go kill something, I'm hungry."
"You want me to hunt orcs for your breakfast?"
"NO! Don't you get it? Jeebus! You go kill something out there…therefore you are not here, and I can finish my fucking breakfast!" hunger was making me grumpy.
"Um, Legolas," he said, "when was the last time you left your palace?" Too many questions!
"I dunno, like…75 years?" I wasn't sure anymore.
"Don't you think it's time to get out, and get some fresh air?" Fuck his questions.
"No."
He sighed, I wanted to shave that cocky beard off his face. "Ok, well, I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Sure, whatever, now go kill some orcs" I wanted him to leave, he was stinking up my lair.
With one last look of disgust, he left. I called my servant in again. I was hungry.
* * * * * *
2 Aragorn
I had been eager to see Legolas, it had been a long time since our last meeting. I wondered what had been going on in Mirkwood, if he had had any nice adventures in battle…and with women, too. I had been on my way to the Misty Mountains, and while I was in Mirkwood, I decided to pay him a visit.
What I saw was shocking. As a servant showed me into his bedroom, I nearly doubled over in laughter and surprise. But at that point, I was too concerned for laughter.
There he was, the prince of Mirkwood, sitting in an overstuffed arm easy chair (though I couldn't tell which was overstuffed, him or the chair), eating his breakfast in a very unique manner. His servant was spoon feeding him his food, and to devour each spoonful, he closed his eyes, turned his face towards the servant, and opened him mouth arrogantly. The servant, hiding a look of terror, slowly placed each spoonful into his mouth.
At first he didn't know who I was. I thought he would've remembered, after all, I am the king of Gondor.
I reminded him.
"Hi, Aragorn," he said, and I watched as he examined my clothing with despise.
"Legolas…you look so…well fed…" I said, not knowing how else to say what I saw. He sat up…with difficulty. Then, he dismissed his servant rudely with a wave of a very…very large arm.
"It's really been…too long…you know…since the whole fellowship thing…so, what have you been up to?" I tried to change the subject, hoping that maybe I could forget what I was seeing.
"Nothing, I was eating my breakfast, and I should still like to be eating my breakfast," he said, and I couldn't help thinking as he said this that along with those extra pounds…he had also gained an ego. He smiled smugly.
"Don't you think you've had enough f—breakfast?" I asked. His smug smile was slapped clean off his face and he looked at me indignantly, threatening to let his newly found hot temper get the better of him.
"I think I know when I've had enough breakfast, thank you very much, but I don't think you know how to take a hint," he snapped, and I couldn't help but wish to give him a good kick in the face.
As a last resort, I turned to the one thing I didn't think he could resist. "Ok, if you say so. Do you wanna go…you know…like pick up some chicks at Rivendell? Elrond is gone for the week." I was wrong.
Legolas started, and he looked interested, but said, "Nah, that's ok. Is there any way you could bring the chicks here?"
"Pshaw-yeah, right," I was deeply offended. Me! King of Gondor! Be his servant?!
"Don't you have like, some orcs to kill or something?" Legolas asked.
"No," I could tell my welcome was wearing thin.
"Well, go kill something, I'm hungry," again I was indignant, I wasn't going to go kill anything for him to eat, even an orc!
"You want me to hunt orcs for your breakfast?"
"NO! Don't you get it? Jeebus! You go kill something out there…therefore you are not here, and I can finish my fucking breakfast!" he shouted, and concern began to take the place of my disgust.
"Um, Legolas," I began, "when was the last time you left your palace?"
"I dunno, like…75 years?"
75 years?! That might only be an hour's worth to an immortal elf, but to a human…seventy five years was a good percent of my life (even if I was blessed with an unnaturally long life span). "Don't you think it's time to get out, and get some fresh air?"
"No."
I sighed heavily, there seemed to be nothing I could do. Oh well, I would have to talk to him some other time, perhaps convince him that there was something else to life besides food. "Ok, well, I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Sure, whatever, now go kill some orcs."
My concern turned back into disgust as I left, besides, the place had begun to smell.
Chapter 1
1 Legolas
So I was like sitting around having breakfast one day, and all of a sudden this guy comes in. And I was like, "Who are you?"
He was like, "I'm Aragorn."
That name sounded familiar, but I had like, no idea what this guy was doing in my palace.
"Hi, Aragorn," I acted like I knew the guy, even though I wouldn't be caught dead with a guy in that outfit anyway.
"Legolas…you look so…well fed…" Aragorn said. I had like no idea what he was implying, so I just smiled and sent my servant away. I sat up…it's been harder to do that lately.
"It's really been…too long…you know…since the whole fellowship thing…" The solicitor said, and that's when I remembered where I knew him from. "So, what have you been up to?"
This man was beginning to bother me. First, he comes in to disturb my breakfast and makes me dismiss my servant, and then he has the nerve to ask me questions.
"Nothing," I said, determined to make him go away, "I was eating my breakfast, and I should still like to be eating my breakfast."
Aragorn fidgeted nervously, my powerful figure must have invoked some sort of fear into him, serves him right, that selfish bitch.
"Don't you think you've had enough f—breakfast?" he asked. More questions, enough questions!
"I think I know when I've had enough breakfast, thank you very much, but I don't think you know how to take a hint," Aragorn was seriously starting to bother me, I didn't know like what he was talking about.
Aragorn was like, "Ok, if you say so. Do you wanna go…you know…like pick up some chicks at Rivendell? Elrond is gone for the week."
At first, the thought was like, totally appealing, but then, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't that require me to get out of my chair?" So I was like, "Nah, that's ok. Is there any way you could bring the chicks here?"
Aragorn looked at me disgustedly, and was like, "Pshaw-yeah, right, man."
I didn't understand…why did he look disgusted if he said yes? But anyway, I was getting hungry, so I said, "Don't you have like, some orcs to kill or something?"
He was like, "No."
And I was like, "Well, go kill something, I'm hungry."
"You want me to hunt orcs for your breakfast?"
"NO! Don't you get it? Jeebus! You go kill something out there…therefore you are not here, and I can finish my fucking breakfast!" hunger was making me grumpy.
"Um, Legolas," he said, "when was the last time you left your palace?" Too many questions!
"I dunno, like…75 years?" I wasn't sure anymore.
"Don't you think it's time to get out, and get some fresh air?" Fuck his questions.
"No."
He sighed, I wanted to shave that cocky beard off his face. "Ok, well, I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Sure, whatever, now go kill some orcs" I wanted him to leave, he was stinking up my lair.
With one last look of disgust, he left. I called my servant in again. I was hungry.
* * * * * *
2 Aragorn
I had been eager to see Legolas, it had been a long time since our last meeting. I wondered what had been going on in Mirkwood, if he had had any nice adventures in battle…and with women, too. I had been on my way to the Misty Mountains, and while I was in Mirkwood, I decided to pay him a visit.
What I saw was shocking. As a servant showed me into his bedroom, I nearly doubled over in laughter and surprise. But at that point, I was too concerned for laughter.
There he was, the prince of Mirkwood, sitting in an overstuffed arm easy chair (though I couldn't tell which was overstuffed, him or the chair), eating his breakfast in a very unique manner. His servant was spoon feeding him his food, and to devour each spoonful, he closed his eyes, turned his face towards the servant, and opened him mouth arrogantly. The servant, hiding a look of terror, slowly placed each spoonful into his mouth.
At first he didn't know who I was. I thought he would've remembered, after all, I am the king of Gondor.
I reminded him.
"Hi, Aragorn," he said, and I watched as he examined my clothing with despise.
"Legolas…you look so…well fed…" I said, not knowing how else to say what I saw. He sat up…with difficulty. Then, he dismissed his servant rudely with a wave of a very…very large arm.
"It's really been…too long…you know…since the whole fellowship thing…so, what have you been up to?" I tried to change the subject, hoping that maybe I could forget what I was seeing.
"Nothing, I was eating my breakfast, and I should still like to be eating my breakfast," he said, and I couldn't help thinking as he said this that along with those extra pounds…he had also gained an ego. He smiled smugly.
"Don't you think you've had enough f—breakfast?" I asked. His smug smile was slapped clean off his face and he looked at me indignantly, threatening to let his newly found hot temper get the better of him.
"I think I know when I've had enough breakfast, thank you very much, but I don't think you know how to take a hint," he snapped, and I couldn't help but wish to give him a good kick in the face.
As a last resort, I turned to the one thing I didn't think he could resist. "Ok, if you say so. Do you wanna go…you know…like pick up some chicks at Rivendell? Elrond is gone for the week." I was wrong.
Legolas started, and he looked interested, but said, "Nah, that's ok. Is there any way you could bring the chicks here?"
"Pshaw-yeah, right," I was deeply offended. Me! King of Gondor! Be his servant?!
"Don't you have like, some orcs to kill or something?" Legolas asked.
"No," I could tell my welcome was wearing thin.
"Well, go kill something, I'm hungry," again I was indignant, I wasn't going to go kill anything for him to eat, even an orc!
"You want me to hunt orcs for your breakfast?"
"NO! Don't you get it? Jeebus! You go kill something out there…therefore you are not here, and I can finish my fucking breakfast!" he shouted, and concern began to take the place of my disgust.
"Um, Legolas," I began, "when was the last time you left your palace?"
"I dunno, like…75 years?"
75 years?! That might only be an hour's worth to an immortal elf, but to a human…seventy five years was a good percent of my life (even if I was blessed with an unnaturally long life span). "Don't you think it's time to get out, and get some fresh air?"
"No."
I sighed heavily, there seemed to be nothing I could do. Oh well, I would have to talk to him some other time, perhaps convince him that there was something else to life besides food. "Ok, well, I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Sure, whatever, now go kill some orcs."
My concern turned back into disgust as I left, besides, the place had begun to smell.