1 What You Didn't Know About Legolas After the LoTR
1.1 Chapter 2
2
3 Legolas
I thought that I had seen the last of Aragorn, but noooooooo. He came back this morning, and he actually had the nerve to like, totally drag me to Rivendell. He just flung me over his horse and rode there. What nerve!
"Where are we going, you two-faced faggot?"
"Rivendell, Legolas, Rivendell. Do you not remember the familiar path? Besides, we've been passing signs every five minutes!"
At the moment, we passed a sign reading, "5 miles to Rivendell."
I decided not to say anything, give Aragorn the silent treatment. We rode for like another ten minutes or something like that, and then we passed this enormous billboard that said, "Welcome to Rivendell, home to Middle- Earth's largest yogurt cup."
"Mmm…yogurt…"
"That's not why we're here, Legolas. The rest of the fellowship and I have decided that you need to shape up. Do you want Mirkwood's welcome sign to say 'Welcome to Mirkwood, home to Middle-Earth's largest elf?' " Aragorn said. If I had the energy, I would've raised my fist and run it into his dirty face. And ech…that beard…but I was lying on his horse with my feet dangling off one end and my arms flailing around on the other end, so I like, was in no position to hit him.
We rode up to the House of Elrond. We dismounted, and after tying up his horse, he led me to the dining hall.
"I'll have a little bit of everything…" I said to the elf waitress, "hell, I'll have a lot of everything!"
Aragorn stopped me. "He means…that he shall have a cup of tea and a small plate of lembas."
I turned to face Aragorn and said, "I'll eat what I want."
"How much bigger do you wish to become, Legolas? Here, look…" Aragorn removed from a shelf nearby a fat photo album. It was all torn up, and it smelled like mold, but when I pointed that out, he ignored me. Son of a bitch.
He opened it, blew all the dust out, and flipped through the crinkled pages.
"Look," he pointed at a picture, "that was you."
I cocked my head. "That's me?"
"Correction, was you. This," he put a figure towards me, "is you."
"Okay…so what if I was beautiful? Really, really, really, beautiful. I like the way I am now just fine," I crossed myself.
"Trust me, okay? Dieting for a few days, minor workouts, you'll be back to your old pretty self within days. Elves are naturally slender, it will not be difficult," said Aragorn.
"Yeah, well. Whatever." After a moment's pause, "You can't make me!"
Aragorn smiled a fucked up smile. I was afraid to ask.
Aragorn
After some very deep discussion with the rest of the fellowship, we agreed to bring Legolas to Rivendell to... ahem… lose some weight.
So I traveled to Mirkwood and pulled him out the doors of his palace. Mind you, it wasn't easy. It nearly broke my back. I had to roll him up onto the back of my horse which nearly gave out in the knees. Poor creature.
After a while, Legolas asked me, "Where are we going, you two-faced faggot?"
I sighed as we passed a sign that said, "6 miles to Rivendell."
"Rivendell, Legolas, Rivendell," I muttered. "Do you not remember the familiar path? Besides, we've been passing signs every five minutes!"
To prove my point, we passed another sign, "5 miles to Rivendell."
Thank Isildur he shut up. We continued on the path for about a quarter of an hour before we reached the gates of Rivendell, which sported a colorful sign reading, "Welcome to Rivendell, home to Middle-Earth's largest yogurt cup." I had not remembered seeing that before.
"Mmm…yogurt…" Legolas murmured, but I heard.
"That's not why we're here, Legolas. The rest of the fellowship and I have decided that you need to shape up. Do you want Mirkwood's welcome sign to say 'Welcome to Mirkwood, home to Middle-Earth's largest elf?' " I retorted, and I saw him make some struggling movements as if he wanted to knock me off the horse.
We rode up to the House of Elrond. We dismounted the horse… well, I dismounted. I sort of had to give him a little shove off the side of the poor beast. I directed him to the dining hall, and immediately he began ordering food.
"I'll have a little bit of everything…" he demanded, "hell, I'll have a lot of everything!"
I had to step in, "He means…that he shall have a cup of tea and a small plate of lembas."
"I'll eat what I want," he argued.
I sighed, how could I make him see the light? "How much bigger do you wish to become, Legolas? Here, look…" I took a photo album out and showed him some pictures of himself, hoping that he would see how gorgeous he was *ahem* I mean, how attractive he was…I mean…well, he was something!
"Look," I showed him a picture of him as he was running from the balrog in Moria, "that was you."
Cocking his head, he asked, "That's me?"
"Correction, was you. This," I pointed to him, "is you."
"Okay…so what if I was beautiful? Really, really, really, beautiful. I like the way I am now just fine," He crossed his arms, and I shook my head in frustration.
"Trust me, okay? Dieting for a few days, minor workouts, you'll be back to your old pretty self within days. Elves are naturally slender, it will not be difficult," I tried to encourage him.
"Yeah, well. Whatever." He was silent for a few seconds, as if thinking of something to say. He suddenly shouted out, "You can't make me!" and gave me a look of defiance.
I smiled fishily, I had a plan.
1.1 Chapter 2
2
3 Legolas
I thought that I had seen the last of Aragorn, but noooooooo. He came back this morning, and he actually had the nerve to like, totally drag me to Rivendell. He just flung me over his horse and rode there. What nerve!
"Where are we going, you two-faced faggot?"
"Rivendell, Legolas, Rivendell. Do you not remember the familiar path? Besides, we've been passing signs every five minutes!"
At the moment, we passed a sign reading, "5 miles to Rivendell."
I decided not to say anything, give Aragorn the silent treatment. We rode for like another ten minutes or something like that, and then we passed this enormous billboard that said, "Welcome to Rivendell, home to Middle- Earth's largest yogurt cup."
"Mmm…yogurt…"
"That's not why we're here, Legolas. The rest of the fellowship and I have decided that you need to shape up. Do you want Mirkwood's welcome sign to say 'Welcome to Mirkwood, home to Middle-Earth's largest elf?' " Aragorn said. If I had the energy, I would've raised my fist and run it into his dirty face. And ech…that beard…but I was lying on his horse with my feet dangling off one end and my arms flailing around on the other end, so I like, was in no position to hit him.
We rode up to the House of Elrond. We dismounted, and after tying up his horse, he led me to the dining hall.
"I'll have a little bit of everything…" I said to the elf waitress, "hell, I'll have a lot of everything!"
Aragorn stopped me. "He means…that he shall have a cup of tea and a small plate of lembas."
I turned to face Aragorn and said, "I'll eat what I want."
"How much bigger do you wish to become, Legolas? Here, look…" Aragorn removed from a shelf nearby a fat photo album. It was all torn up, and it smelled like mold, but when I pointed that out, he ignored me. Son of a bitch.
He opened it, blew all the dust out, and flipped through the crinkled pages.
"Look," he pointed at a picture, "that was you."
I cocked my head. "That's me?"
"Correction, was you. This," he put a figure towards me, "is you."
"Okay…so what if I was beautiful? Really, really, really, beautiful. I like the way I am now just fine," I crossed myself.
"Trust me, okay? Dieting for a few days, minor workouts, you'll be back to your old pretty self within days. Elves are naturally slender, it will not be difficult," said Aragorn.
"Yeah, well. Whatever." After a moment's pause, "You can't make me!"
Aragorn smiled a fucked up smile. I was afraid to ask.
Aragorn
After some very deep discussion with the rest of the fellowship, we agreed to bring Legolas to Rivendell to... ahem… lose some weight.
So I traveled to Mirkwood and pulled him out the doors of his palace. Mind you, it wasn't easy. It nearly broke my back. I had to roll him up onto the back of my horse which nearly gave out in the knees. Poor creature.
After a while, Legolas asked me, "Where are we going, you two-faced faggot?"
I sighed as we passed a sign that said, "6 miles to Rivendell."
"Rivendell, Legolas, Rivendell," I muttered. "Do you not remember the familiar path? Besides, we've been passing signs every five minutes!"
To prove my point, we passed another sign, "5 miles to Rivendell."
Thank Isildur he shut up. We continued on the path for about a quarter of an hour before we reached the gates of Rivendell, which sported a colorful sign reading, "Welcome to Rivendell, home to Middle-Earth's largest yogurt cup." I had not remembered seeing that before.
"Mmm…yogurt…" Legolas murmured, but I heard.
"That's not why we're here, Legolas. The rest of the fellowship and I have decided that you need to shape up. Do you want Mirkwood's welcome sign to say 'Welcome to Mirkwood, home to Middle-Earth's largest elf?' " I retorted, and I saw him make some struggling movements as if he wanted to knock me off the horse.
We rode up to the House of Elrond. We dismounted the horse… well, I dismounted. I sort of had to give him a little shove off the side of the poor beast. I directed him to the dining hall, and immediately he began ordering food.
"I'll have a little bit of everything…" he demanded, "hell, I'll have a lot of everything!"
I had to step in, "He means…that he shall have a cup of tea and a small plate of lembas."
"I'll eat what I want," he argued.
I sighed, how could I make him see the light? "How much bigger do you wish to become, Legolas? Here, look…" I took a photo album out and showed him some pictures of himself, hoping that he would see how gorgeous he was *ahem* I mean, how attractive he was…I mean…well, he was something!
"Look," I showed him a picture of him as he was running from the balrog in Moria, "that was you."
Cocking his head, he asked, "That's me?"
"Correction, was you. This," I pointed to him, "is you."
"Okay…so what if I was beautiful? Really, really, really, beautiful. I like the way I am now just fine," He crossed his arms, and I shook my head in frustration.
"Trust me, okay? Dieting for a few days, minor workouts, you'll be back to your old pretty self within days. Elves are naturally slender, it will not be difficult," I tried to encourage him.
"Yeah, well. Whatever." He was silent for a few seconds, as if thinking of something to say. He suddenly shouted out, "You can't make me!" and gave me a look of defiance.
I smiled fishily, I had a plan.