AN: Whee! The Angster returns!
Disclaimer: *sigh* Same old, same old.
Dedicated to: Errie Wyvern, who, so very nicely, suggested this song for a bout of angst. :)
Gunning Down Romance
Love and other moments
Are just chemical reactions
In your brain
"This is stupid." Draco glared venomously at the smiling picture of a certain Hermione Granger. "This is so bloody stupid. I'm not supposed to fall in love." He set the picture on his desk, thinking of the way Hermione had smiled when she had pressed it into his hand, telling him that she will always be there if he needed a friend.
Draco took in a deep breath. "This is just… the hormones. Love is induced by a flood of pheromones and other complex liquids produced by certain glands in the body at a certain point of puberty." But when he turned back to the picture, the tugging in his heart made him doubt himself even more.
And feelings of aggression
Are the absence of the love drug
In your veins
He turned to his bookshelf for solace. Ironic, the fact that we fell in love over a book… then he mentally shook himself. No… we reached a point of understanding over a book.
He took down a large copy of Muggles and the Way They Kill Themselves Unknowingly.
Draco, silvery eyes searching, flipped through the tome, finally stopping at a chapter labeled: Drugs. With a gleeful expression on his face, he skimmed down the lines, stopping at the word Morphine.
"That's what love is…" he whispered. "It induces a heavy state of euphoria… with deadly consequences. Best to avoid it at large."
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem caving in
"What if I just used her for that euphoria, with no strings attached? Enjoying her without love?" He glanced back at the picture sitting at his desk, with Hermione smiling at him, her eyes full of some sort of childlike innocence.
Draco stopped smiling. "What if I can't?"
It's on the brink
"I can't love. Not again… not anymore." Draco clutched at the book on his lap, lost in agony. "I've never truly loved anyone, and… still, I end up getting hurt. What more if I actually dared to love?"
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin
When it came to love, a monster came alive inside Draco. It would feign loyalty and never-ending love, while simply using it's charms to feed its hunger for passion and lust. It couldn't love… it could only lie.
Often, Draco wondered what it would be like to actually love someone, who loved him back… instead of using the person who loved him. But the monster always took over, sooner or later, and Draco had in his hands another broken heart to toss over his shoulder.
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
He had loved before, or so, he liked to think. Draco had once fallen for Kaila Moon, he had admired everything about her, the way she walked, talked, smiled… He had actually been tolerable the day Kaila smiled at him…
Yes, he had experienced that euphoria, but sadly, he had also come crashing down with the deadly consequences. You see, Kaila Moon was the daughter of another prestigious wizarding family, and the Moons and the Malfoys had been on cold shoulders since the 1600's.
The euphoria had lasted for a short while, but soon, Draco found himself trying to forget how to love.
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Draco sighed again, returning the book to the shelf. "It's just lust, then." he stared out his window. "I'm just lusting after Hermione. And every other girl I thought I had fallen in love with." He grinned. "And hell, lust is way better than love."
But as his eye fell upon the several letters Hermione had written him over the summer, he realized that though most of the girls he had "fallen in lust with" were shapely, and passionate, and buxom… Hermione was none of those. She was sweet, simple, smart, and friendly. Though she wasn't exactly underdeveloped, she wasn't busty either.
Draco put his head in his hands… realizing that he couldn't blame it on the hormones anymore. He had to blame it on his heart.
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
"What do they see, that I don't? What do they see, that I can't?!" Draco whipped away the cover of the crystal ball he had sneaked from his mother's room. In the swirling mist could be seen two figures cuddling together in front of a warm fire. Draco glared down at the anonymous couple.
"What do lovers feel, that I can't? Even a dose of morphine, or lovedrug, will get me to this." he whispered angrily… sadly.
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do
"Doesn't all love end in disaster? Or aren't marriages forced? Or planned?" His mother had been in a promised wedding to Lucius, and Draco himself was promised to Pansy. It was no small wonder why he had never known true love.
I'm gunning down romance
"There's nothing to believe in. I can't love. Its… foolish and weak. Stupid and sappy." Draco covered up the crystal ball and went to stare forlornly out his window. He sighed. "Love is not for me."
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
"All other attempts to love ended in some sort of… mess. I mean, look at Kaila." His voice softened with the hints of past wounds reopened. "Why learn to love again? I could simply go on with my emotionless relationships, and while fulfilling my physical needs… it won't cause me any emotional anguish. And well, when I turn of age, I get married to Pansy, and I get to lord over my own household"
He smirked. "Sounds good to me."
Draco looked up at the sight of a familiar brown owl landing at his windowsill. Still smirking at his "wise" decision, he detached the letter from its foot and sent the owl away.
--- Draco,
Hello!
I know I haven't been writing lately… I've just been so busy studying for the upcoming school year. I hope you have been reading up on our new subjects as well, it's our last year at Hogwarts, and it's bound to be a tough one.
I just wanted to drop a letter, say hello, and hope I receive a reply. I like your letters, as they sound so matter-of-fact, but at the same time, still friendly.
I enjoy our correspondence, and I'm glad we became friends… well, you and Harry could still make the same effort.
Take care,
Hermione ---
Love,
Don't leave me
Draco's smirk faded away, to be replaced by a genuine smile. He looked up at the photograph of the smiling Hermione. "Damnit." he whispered. "How does she do it? How does she make me fall in love with her?"
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
Draco walked over to this desk, and picked up the photo. Cradling it in his hands, he began a promise, a vow witnessed by no one, a vow none that eloquent, but a vow, nonetheless. A vow true to heart.
He vowed to love.
Learn to fly
"Oh, what the hell. I'll try." he smiled.
Learn to fly
---
Okay, what the heck happened there?! That was supposed to be all angsty and dark… *sigh*
Maybe it's because I'm feeling fluffy today.