A/N: Nothing much to say about this chapter.. a bit of sadness, reflection.. this takes place over the course of the year while Pippin is gone, and ends up right before they return to the Shire. See notes at the end...






Forgotten Roads
by Ani Ledger





The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began
Now far ahead the Road has gone
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Rings

[Chapter Eleven]

The lonely weeks and months were not made any easier by blocking Diamond from my memory. They were the most lonely and frightening months of my life. Aside from missing Diamond, there were other things to worry about. I had seen many things. There were some things of incredible beauty: the Elves in Rivendell and Lothlórien, and the Andúin, and the sheer beauty of lands outside the Shire, but there were also terrible, frightening things that I never wanted to witness again. I'd seen death, destruction, hatred. I'd been chased by Black Riders, seen Frodo almost killed countless times, watched Gandalf fall into the darkness of Moria. I'd been kidnapped by Orcs with Merry, looked into that terrible Palantír, and taken to Minas Tirith, facing even more loneliness without Merry, my best friend. I'd been glorified in Minas Tirith: I was a hero, the bravest hobbit they'd ever seen--not saying much, as I was the only hobbit they'd ever seen. And I was a coward. A young, lonely, stupid coward. I was nothing to be glorified. I was not impressive.

By the time the Ring was destroyed (the Ring I didn't even know about until we were to Bree, as no one bothered to tell me about it until then, leading me on this lonely journey away from home), I'd had enough to last me a lifetime. Aragorn was King of Gondor, and the Lady Arwen his Queen. Sauron was forever destroyed, and freedom and peace were restored in Middle-earth. I was ready to go home.

The journey home was long, but not as perilous as it had been on the way to all the other places we'd been. I looked forward to gazing once more upon the rolling hills, the farms... making mischief, stealing mushrooms with Merry, if we could ever go back to that carefree, happy lifestyle we once possessed.

The one thing that kept me going on all the lonely, forgotten roads we traveled on was the memory of Diamond. I had to go on, I had to follow all of those forgotten roads back home. I had to see her again, if only to find out that she never wanted to see me again. If she did, at least I'd know for myself. If I could see her just one more time, I wouldn't have to die wondering. Wondering if she still loved me, wondering if I mattered at all to her anymore.

I had to see her again.

I often sang to myself while we walked, or while trying to sleep under the darkened, starry sky. I remembered that night on the hill before Diamond had left Buckland the first time.

It's beautiful, isn't it? she'd asked, staring up at the sky.

It is, I'd replied. It's like... diamonds. Whenever I look at the stars, I'll think of you.

And now, as I laid alone on a different hill far away, staring up at the stars, I thought of her. I never stopped thinking of her. The road would continue, seemingly endless. The Shire was my destination. I would keep going, as long as the road remained ahead of me, until I got there.

--

O! stars that shimmer in the sky,
So far away, so very high;
The stars that watch us through the night
Shining, casting constant light.

I wonder what the stars would say
If I could ask them how they stay
So bright, so radiant as pearls
Shining down upon the world:
They twinkle in the velvet sky
And shine down without telling why
Or how they always remained the same,
Or when, of what, or how they came.

They shine like diamonds in the sky
Up above the world so high,
Awaiting rising sun, the day
Which chases the diamond stars away.

O! stars that shimmer in the sky
Perhaps someday we shall know why
You always remain just what you are
The far-off, sparkling diamond stars.

--

It was over a year since Pippin and Merry left the Shire with Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee. We hadn't heard from them since. I accepted the fact that Pippin could never return, and though it was a terrible thought, I couldn't go on pretending that we'd have a happy ending. And after all, if he ever did return, he could have forgotten me, or never even missed me at all. Perhaps, after all he had seen, he had forgotten about the Shire, or didn't want to return. Perhaps he'd forgotten the rolling hills, and the farms, and the roads... I could be one of those forgotten roads, a memory from long ago that he recalled somewhere in the back of his mind, but never cared enough to return to. Perhaps I'd wasted my time and energy, letting myself believe I loved him, and that he loved me too, and I was hurt because of it.

He hadn't even told me he was leaving. That's what hurt the most. Not that he was gone--not that I hadn't seen him in four months when I found he was gone--but that he didn't tell me. I never got a letter from him, or anything. That was the real source of my pain.

I stayed with Lily most of the year, going home to visit my Mum every few months. She was still well, and for that I was thankful. At least one thing in my life was as it should be. I tried not to show my sadness or pain of Pippin's absence when I was near Mum. She knew he was gone, and she knew I was affected by it, but I tried to act as normal as possible around her, not letting the hurt show through.

Acting normal was not the same as being normal, though. My best chance of getting back to normal was to forget. To forget Peregrin Took, and to say goodbye, and leave him in my past where he belonged. It was time to move on.

--

I asked one night. We had reached Bree, and were staying at the Inn. We'd be leaving the next morning, and hopefully we'd be able to reach Buckland again within a day or two.

What, Pip? he mumbled sleepily.

Do you think that Diamond and Lily will be glad to see us again?

Merry paused for a moment. I don't know. I'll be glad to see Lily again, though. I've never stopped thinking of her. I wish I'd gotten a chance to say goodbye, to tell her we were leaving.

I wrote Diamond a letter, I said softly.

You did? Merry sounded surprised. I didn't know that. What did you say?

That we were leaving, and I couldn't tell her why or where.

When did you send it?

I don't know, maybe a week before we left? I don't know if she ever got it though. I hope she did. I sighed. I wonder if her Mum died. She was so sick.

Even if she got it, Pip, she might not be as happy to see you as you hope she will be. She could be angry, resentful, that you'd leave without saying goodbye. Lily could feel the same why. I'm almost afraid to go back, knowing that things won't be the same as always.

Things will never be the same as they used to be. Before we'd left, I hadn't a care in the world. I was considered a child when we left, and I would be still when we returned, but I'd been forced to grow up a lot more than I would've liked over the past year. I was a different person, and Diamond could be, too. I just hoped that things would be able to get back to some form of normalness, and that everything would work out the way I wanted it to. The way I needed it to.







A/N: I think the next chapter is the last one ::gulp:: I am so scared to end this. This is my first LOTR fic, and I just don't want to end it! ::cries:: But.. c'est la vie.. I have my next story all ready for uploading as soon as I finish this thing.. It's a prequel! Woo. And it's all about Lily, yayyy. Lily was supposed to have a larger part in this, but really she only got to spoil Pippin and Diamond's fun a few times. Hehe.. Anyway, onto the real point of this author's note!

The second song (the one about the stars) that appears in this chapter was written by me. It relates back not only to Pippin telling Diamond she reminds him of the stars, but also to the usage of the poem/song Frodo sings in chapter IX of FOTR: There is an inn, a merry old inn... This poem, a version of our own nursery rhyme Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle is written in a long form, showing us how the songs of old have been shortened in retellings over the years. My poem is, if you couldn't figure it out, based on Twinkle, twinkle little star (or is Twinkle, twinkle little star based upon IT? lol), which is showing the same thing. It is Pippin's own little song to the stars, his one constant through the whole journey. He is reminded of Diamond each time he sees the stars, and sings this song to himself in remembrance. ::takes a bow:: I am actually quite proud of my little hobbitty song, tehe.. perhaps to you, dear reader, it is merely a fluffy, cheeseball attempt at poetry, but to me.. well, I like it. Bwaa =)

Chapter twelve will be posted as soon as I gather up the courage to finish it. ::sigh:: Until then.. reviews! Reviews!!! =D