Delusions
That's it that is it I will not take anymore of this guys crap I will not I am better than that. I do not have to deal with him anymore. He has put me through Hell and back and I for one have had enough. I'm convenient Hell I'm not even convenient sometimes I'm just a distraction. Even to some of the others I can tell and they know I can tell I have always known. They all hate me none of them are true friends not one of them, all I have are the voices. They don't understand me only the voices do. I made the mistake of telling Quatre about the voices and the little one was so shocked that of course he told the others and now they all look at me like I'm the insane one. Yep me insane, Strange though that they say that its not like they all don't have their own voices because they all do. They just can't hear them yet but they will. Eventually they all will. They all act like their lives no our lives are so perfect like there is no war no no no like there was no war. Hell I miss fighting even though the chances were I wouldn't have survived this long if the war had have continued, none of us would have. We would have died at the enemy's hands a quick pain filled eternity in which to suffer endlessly almost seems preferable to this endless monotonous excuse for life. He wouldn't understand and I won't take it anymore. I did in the beginning because I thought he loved me but that was before. One of the voices pointed out one that sounded a hell of a lot like him pointed out that I was a convenient crutch and that someone like him could never love me. Nope no chance of that. He will find someone else and you know what I pity them. He will drive them insane for longing and desire are what make him so very addictive the taste of his skin the smell of his hair. Even the other guys have noticed that once you let him under your skin and into your life that is it you're trapped. And after that all is lost. Hmmmmmmmmm even now I want him even though I know he hates me. I may need him but he hates me. But even that can't make me stop wanting, needing him more and more with every second. I can smell his hair taste his skin feel his muscles underneath my hands. I can still remember the way I loved the slight pressure of his body pressed on top of mine so close I could feel his heart beating in time with mine. Hmmmmmmm. I can smell him now he is driving me mad for want of him. Ok I've got to stop thinking of him he hates me. I know it, he knows it hell even the voices know it and they taunt me every moment with it they let his name hang over my head with a horrible finality that I know is just their way of letting me know I'm obsessed. But then again I always have been. Its just something about him infuriating and yet, so desirable. Stop it stop it stop it I must stop…thinking…of…him. Ok now where was I oh yes now I remember the voices. Now the voices I can trust more than anyone. Hell I trust them more then I trust myself. Whenever it comes down to a big decision it's always them at crunch time always them and they've never once steered me wrong. Sure they've lead me through some tough shit but I survived didn't I? The voices showed up about a month after the war ended and its funny but I give the voices credit for the five of us deciding to continue living together after we were no longer needed in the fight against OZ because there was no more fight no more cause. But still we stayed together close like a family. Too bad we could never be a real family. We could win Most Dysfunctional Family of the Year hands down every year. I mean when two members of a supposed family won't even call each other by their real first names what does that say? Oh well at least when I leave unlike a real family I wont have to deal with them with him anymore. How cold the trigger of a gun feels if you've not touched it in a while how strangely light it is even when loaded the sense of elation you get when… "Heero?" *BANG* oh crap oh shit no no no no no. The body on the floor only inches from me bullet in head is probably cooling already I remember and surprisingly enough that sense of elation has fled now. The after effects of killing are not at all as I remember them not at all. I remember some emotion but not empty, not nothing hmmmmm wonder what's changed, oh well. The voices tell me not to worry myself with the little detail spread out on the floor in front of me, but to finish the task that I was given. Strange. Now I've forgotten where I was headed with my mental soliloquy. Oh nope now I remember except now the gun isn't loaded. Oh well I have time none of the others will come. I forgot I had the silencer on the gun. The bullets make a soft clicking sound as they fall into place 1-2-3 reminding me of Christmas crackers at one of Quatre's Christmas party's. Ok now back to my task where was I? Oh yes. The sense of elation you get as feel the cold hard metal of the gun you know is loaded pressed against the roof of your mouth. The slight pressure of the gun moving up as you begin to pull the trigger. The `pop` you hear in your ears as the gun goes off. 1-2-3. Funny I didn't think my last living thoughts would be at least I don't have to write Duo's eulogy. And from somewhere distant the voices are laughing and taunting me with his name. Oh well at least I didn't leave Quatre that big of a mess to clean up.
That's it that is it I will not take anymore of this guys crap I will not I am better than that. I do not have to deal with him anymore. He has put me through Hell and back and I for one have had enough. I'm convenient Hell I'm not even convenient sometimes I'm just a distraction. Even to some of the others I can tell and they know I can tell I have always known. They all hate me none of them are true friends not one of them, all I have are the voices. They don't understand me only the voices do. I made the mistake of telling Quatre about the voices and the little one was so shocked that of course he told the others and now they all look at me like I'm the insane one. Yep me insane, Strange though that they say that its not like they all don't have their own voices because they all do. They just can't hear them yet but they will. Eventually they all will. They all act like their lives no our lives are so perfect like there is no war no no no like there was no war. Hell I miss fighting even though the chances were I wouldn't have survived this long if the war had have continued, none of us would have. We would have died at the enemy's hands a quick pain filled eternity in which to suffer endlessly almost seems preferable to this endless monotonous excuse for life. He wouldn't understand and I won't take it anymore. I did in the beginning because I thought he loved me but that was before. One of the voices pointed out one that sounded a hell of a lot like him pointed out that I was a convenient crutch and that someone like him could never love me. Nope no chance of that. He will find someone else and you know what I pity them. He will drive them insane for longing and desire are what make him so very addictive the taste of his skin the smell of his hair. Even the other guys have noticed that once you let him under your skin and into your life that is it you're trapped. And after that all is lost. Hmmmmmmmmm even now I want him even though I know he hates me. I may need him but he hates me. But even that can't make me stop wanting, needing him more and more with every second. I can smell his hair taste his skin feel his muscles underneath my hands. I can still remember the way I loved the slight pressure of his body pressed on top of mine so close I could feel his heart beating in time with mine. Hmmmmmmm. I can smell him now he is driving me mad for want of him. Ok I've got to stop thinking of him he hates me. I know it, he knows it hell even the voices know it and they taunt me every moment with it they let his name hang over my head with a horrible finality that I know is just their way of letting me know I'm obsessed. But then again I always have been. Its just something about him infuriating and yet, so desirable. Stop it stop it stop it I must stop…thinking…of…him. Ok now where was I oh yes now I remember the voices. Now the voices I can trust more than anyone. Hell I trust them more then I trust myself. Whenever it comes down to a big decision it's always them at crunch time always them and they've never once steered me wrong. Sure they've lead me through some tough shit but I survived didn't I? The voices showed up about a month after the war ended and its funny but I give the voices credit for the five of us deciding to continue living together after we were no longer needed in the fight against OZ because there was no more fight no more cause. But still we stayed together close like a family. Too bad we could never be a real family. We could win Most Dysfunctional Family of the Year hands down every year. I mean when two members of a supposed family won't even call each other by their real first names what does that say? Oh well at least when I leave unlike a real family I wont have to deal with them with him anymore. How cold the trigger of a gun feels if you've not touched it in a while how strangely light it is even when loaded the sense of elation you get when… "Heero?" *BANG* oh crap oh shit no no no no no. The body on the floor only inches from me bullet in head is probably cooling already I remember and surprisingly enough that sense of elation has fled now. The after effects of killing are not at all as I remember them not at all. I remember some emotion but not empty, not nothing hmmmmm wonder what's changed, oh well. The voices tell me not to worry myself with the little detail spread out on the floor in front of me, but to finish the task that I was given. Strange. Now I've forgotten where I was headed with my mental soliloquy. Oh nope now I remember except now the gun isn't loaded. Oh well I have time none of the others will come. I forgot I had the silencer on the gun. The bullets make a soft clicking sound as they fall into place 1-2-3 reminding me of Christmas crackers at one of Quatre's Christmas party's. Ok now back to my task where was I? Oh yes. The sense of elation you get as feel the cold hard metal of the gun you know is loaded pressed against the roof of your mouth. The slight pressure of the gun moving up as you begin to pull the trigger. The `pop` you hear in your ears as the gun goes off. 1-2-3. Funny I didn't think my last living thoughts would be at least I don't have to write Duo's eulogy. And from somewhere distant the voices are laughing and taunting me with his name. Oh well at least I didn't leave Quatre that big of a mess to clean up.