*wow do you think that could have taken me much longer?! Sorry about that, I was having trouble with this chapter for some reason, no really it was just procrastination. I didn't really feel like doing anything with it because I wasn't sure what to do and I'm still not sure. There is like absolutely no action in this chapter at all, it's disgusting I'm angry. I'm going to shut up now and let you read the chapter for yourselves k?*

Chapter 18 Endless Battles

"What did you do?" Hikaru asked him, and he closed his eyes.

"I looked at her; she thinks I can see into her or something," he answered and walked out, saying over his shoulder, "If we're not back in twenty minutes go the ocean and search."

"Hai, Guru," Fuu said softly.

§§§~~~

"Why did you fight?! We could have defeated him! Why didn't you run?!" she screamed into the ocean.

"Umi," his voice made her spin.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

"To speak to you," he said softly.

"There's nothing to say, just leave me with my pain," she looked into the ocean, "I want nothing more to do with this place."

He looked hurt as he spoke, "Don't say that."

"Why shouldn't I?! It's this damn country that stole my lover and broke my heart. I never want to see this place again! I want to go home, even if it is only to die! I don't want to be here, to look upon these woods, this castle. The memories are too much," her voice got weaker as she spoke, until she broke down and began sobbing again, "Gomen," she muttered, "I know you love this country, and once I used to."

"Not only do I love this country," he sat beside her and put a hand on her shoulder, "But Yukito did too, enough to die for it. He wouldn't want you to leave without at least saying goodbye."

Just the name made tears spring to her eyes, "Hai."

"Come on," he stood and gave her a hand up.

She closed her eyes, and in an impulse put her arms around his neck, "Arigato, for loving him."

"It was hard not to; he was a lot like you," Clef said gently, and she pulled away.

"What?"

"You're a wonderful person; everyone around you loves you," he told her, frowning slightly.

"Oh," she looked down. She turned and walked up the hill to the castle; a sense of depression surrounded her. He sighed and followed her, knowing that soon, very soon, she would return to that war torn country.

§§§~~~

All day she stayed in her room and all the next day and the next. She never emerged, not even to eat, and they grew worried.

"If she doesn't eat she'll get sicker than she was," Fuu muttered on the morning of the fourth day after the battle.

"We've given her her space, isn't it time to do something?" Persea asked, and everyone looked at Clef.

"Fuu, Hikaru, bring her a tray and try to speak with her," Clef instructed.

And so it began, the ritual of bringing her food but barely speaking. For two weeks they did this to no avail. She had changed from the somewhat narcissistic girl they knew to quiet and tried, living in constant pain. She had been hurt by  two different men, in two different ways.

§§§~~~

"Ferio," Fuu said softly. He had his arms wrapped around her, gently playing with her fingers.

"Hai?" he muttered absently, kissing the neck of his secret lover. No one in the palace knew, no one had to know, there were too many things riding on it. Ferio knew that if they knew there would be things that he would have to face as Prince; he wanted none of them exposed so that Fuu could be put through that. He told her that they had to keep it secret and so they did; she never complained.

She giggled softly, relishing in his arms, but quickly grew solemn, "I'm worried."

"About what?" he looked at her concerned as she turned to face him.

"About Umi," she responded.

He sighed and put his arms around her, "She'll be fine; she just needs time."

"Time," Fuu muttered, "It's been almost three weeks."

"That's not long enough I guess," he said softly, "She lost something very important to her."

"She needs someone," Fuu had determination on her face.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he looked worried, "I don't know if that's what she wants now. I don't know if she'd want anyone else just yet, maybe ever."

"She needs love, she needs to be assured that there's someone who will stay with her forever. There's got to be someone out there for her; we just have to find him."

"But what if Cephiro isn't her place?" Ferio questioned.

"She's not going back," she said sternly.

"I think that decision is hers," he informed her quietly.

"She can't though," tears welled in her eyes, "She'll die if she goes back," Fuu whispered, "I can't just stand by and watch that happen."

"If she wills herself home, home is where she'll go."

"I don't understand."

"Cephiro is a place of will; if her will is strong, and desperation is strength, Cephiro will send her home," he tried to explain it gently, but it was a blow to Fuu.

"But…but…she can't…no…" but there was no denying it.

"She can and she might, but she might not, look on the bright side; I'm sure she knows she's wanted here," he smiled encouragingly.

"But she's needed at home," Fuu couldn't get past the fact that Umi might leave them.

"Not if what I think and she thinks happened," he treated the tragic death carefully.

"That's three, three people that she loved that were taken in the wrong way," Fuu looked down, "I wish…"

"There's no wishing," he told her, trying to force the dark in her eyes away, "There's only what happened and what's going to happen. Only what we can and cannot do to change that."

§§§~~~

She closed her eyes and wished she could hear his voice, feel his arms tight around her. The tears came then, like they had every night before. She let them come now, didn't try to fight them; she was powerless.

She knew she was powerless over his death too but couldn't help feeling guilty.

She looked up and saw the moon, she stifled a gasp; she had forgotten how beautiful it was. She walked out onto her veranda and looked up. She smiled blissfully and pulled herself onto the rail and put her legs in front of her and balanced herself so that her back was against the cool stone of the castle. Her hair flew behind her, and the skirt she wore caught in the wind and blew the same direction. She looked into the sky, and tears streamed down her cheeks. She knew that when she looked up there he was looking back at her. She wondered if he knew the pain that he caused her; she laughed slightly. It was easy for him, "Clef was right," she muttered, suddenly disgusted. She jumped down and walked over to the rail and sighed heavily.

"What was I right about?" a voice from behind her made her spin and almost go over the edge.

He caught her with a hand, and she thanked him softly.

"Just that…" she looked up to the moon, "It's always been easy for him."

He smiled at her weakly, "Umi, please, you can't do this to yourself. You don't understand," he stopped her protests, "Fuu and Hikaru they're confused; they want to do something but they can't. They're both innocent to this kind of loss, they don't know. Please, you have to at least try to show yourself to them. I'm not saying you have to forget him, you never will, nor will I. But, for your friends, you have to be strong."

"I don't want to be strong," she fell onto the ground, "I don't want to be strong. I'm tired Clef, I'm tired and I'm only sixteen. I've always had someone to care for, always had to be strong. At home, here, in the battle, I've always been looking out for someone, even if it is only myself. I want someone to look after me now, I want someone to take care of me. I thought I found someone, and then…" she looked up to the sky and screamed, "And then it was gone! In one instant! He stole it from me!" she clenched her fists, and Clef wasn't sure who 'he' was, Yukito or Kino.

"Umi," he knelt near her, "You have to be strong, one more time, for your friends. You love them don't you?"

She nodded weakly.

"If you love them you have to be strong for them," he looked into her eyes, and she turned away, "When you can look into my eyes you will truly be capable of…" he turned and walked out, "Please come to breakfast tomorrow," he said, never looking back and shutting the door behind him.

§§§~~~

"Umi-chan!" Hikaru screamed, delighted when she saw Umi walk to breakfast, quiet and timid, but there all the same.

Fuu grinned at Ferio who smiled back, relieved though he wasn't sure Umi was fond of him, but both quickly looked away from one another under Princess Emeraude's gaze.

Umi looked at Clef and seemed to give him an expression that said, 'it had nothing to do with you,' then turned away, glaring. She wept, he knew, he saw it, but that couldn't be helped.

"Umi-san, I'm glad to see that you're feeling better," Fuu smiled at her, and Umi smiled back.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she said weakly, and they didn't see what he saw. They didn't see through the lie; they couldn't, she was too good, but he saw.

"So what are we gonna do today?" Hikaru asked cheerily.

"It's nice out," Persea looked outside, and Caldina nodded in agreement.

"And it's going to stay that way…" Caldina continued.

"So then let's go to the beach?" Hikaru finished, and they nodded, and everyone laughed.

"Okay! Let's go!" Hikaru jumped up, and everyone laughed hesitantly at the girl's excitement.

§§§~~~

She could fool them with her hollow laughs and emotionless smiles. She could put on those china doll expressions and they'd be pleased, just like he told her to. He watched her though and hated himself for asking; he could see through her. She didn't want to have to be strong; she didn't want to have to sit here and talk with them. She wanted to go back to her solitude. He thought that this would be good for her, but it was only making her false, making her lie to herself. She was hurting and managed to be happy through the pain. It was a contradiction, a battle in her body that she shouldn't have to fight.

"Guru is something wrong?" Ascot asked softly, "You've been staring at Umi all afternoon."

"Uh…" he looked up out of his daze, "Gomen, it's just…it's just…this transformation is amazing," he turned his head down, ashamed for betraying her to her 'happy' side.

"I know; it's wonderful," Ascot smiled, "The three Magic Knights are so happy. I wish they didn't have to return."

"Me too," Clef agreed, "But they need to go home, there are things waiting for them there. I just hope that they will grow from this experience, learn the true consequences of war."

"I'm sure they have. There's no cure to war like having to defend the enemy."

"I guess you're right," Clef turned and looked at Fuu who was splashing with Umi in the water, Hikaru was sitting on a rock nearby, looking at the sky. Lantis walked behind her and knocked her into the water. She turned and glared, and he laughed.

"Lantis and Hikaru, now there's a couple," Zagato laughed slightly, and Emeraude nodded in agreement, "It's good to see my little brother happy."

"Yes," Emeraude said softly and turned to Ferio who was watching Fuu though he didn't notice, "And mine," she added, and Ferio turned around, beet red.

"W-w-what are y-you talking about?" he stuttered.

She smiled and turned back to Zagato, acting as if she had never heard.

He laughed slightly and took her hand as they walked down the beach out of the sight of the others.

"They're so secretive with their love, it's confusing," Hikaru walked up, holding Lantis' hand, "I mean it's not as if everyone doesn't know."

"I don't know Hikaru-san," Fuu walked beside her, Umi stayed quiet in the back, "I think that may be a trait of royalty."

Ferio turned away and looked down.

"Huh?" Hikaru looked confused, and Fuu shook her head. Umi laughed slightly, and Clef heard some joy there. Maybe, maybe this was going to be good for her.

§§§~~~

Her hair blew in the moonlight as she looked out to the ocean and breathed in the air, 'Selece,' she whispered in her mind as tears streamed down her cheeks, 'I need to talk to you.'

'Of course Water Knight.'

She breathed deeply, 'Before…before Yukito…' she couldn't finish and didn't need to, 'Before, in the battle, there was a voice in the connection we have, something that sounded evil. I wanted to ask but there was no time.'

'The Dark Blade.'

'It can speak?'

'When it is wielded.'

'Oh,' she looked down, and tears hit the rail that she sat on, 'Please, Selece tell me it's going to be okay! Tell me that I'm going to be okay! I don't understand! I can't keep going on like this! It's not right!'

'Water Knight,' his voice was soft, caring, 'What thou suffered was tragic, and even I was silenced, even I with as strong a dislike of him was quieted by what was going on around me. Thou will make it though, thou are strong, stronger than I thought possible. Take rest, and feel better in the morning.'

'Arigato,' she jumped off the railing and walked through the door. There was a knock, and she sighed and opened it. She wasn't surprised to find the Master Mage. She resisted the urge to slam the door in his face and instead maintained her composure and simply glared, "What do you want?"

He looked at her, and she turned away, "I heard you, speaking to Selece, and I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help."

She looked back to the balcony, "No, nothing."

"Umi, can I come in?" he asked softly, and she nodded and opened the door for him. He put his staff against the wall, and she sat on the bed. He sat near her and tried to get her to look at him; she wouldn't, "I know you're angry with me…"

"Where'd you ever get that idea?" she asked harshly.

"But I don't know why," he finished brushing off the comment.

"How can you not know?"

"Enlighten me."

"You of all people should know what I'm going through, how I hurt. I don't understand how you could ask me to be strong. I thought that you would defend me," she looked down, "But then," she stood, suddenly ridden with anger, "There's more than one difference between you and him."

"Don't do that," he grabbed her wrist and pulled her from the door, "Don't turn and walk away from me without giving me a chance to defend myself."

"I don't see how you can," she glared, but he seemed unaffected though it cut him deep. Inside he knew that he was tired of being strong too, tired of fighting. He wanted to give up too, just let things happen instead of having to be the one who knew everything, who was strongest and wisest. It wasn't easy, as much as anyone said it was.

"Umi," he sighed and tried to explain to her in the most civilized, dry way he could. This was a sensitive subject and tying his emotions into it would be most unwise, or so he thought, "I know you lost a lot, we all did. Just because we lost something important to us doesn't mean we can stop living, doesn't mean that we can punish ourselves, because he wouldn't want it that way."

"That doesn't make the pain go away Clef! That doesn't make it better, doesn't make it easier! Just because he wouldn't want me to hurt doesn't mean I don't! For the first time in my life I've surrendered, given up, and I'm happy with that. Then you go and tell me I have to keep fighting, struggling and all for what?! Everything I've ever loved has been ripped away from me. There is nothing left for me! Let me stop, let me give up, I don't care anymore."

He was silent for a long time and watched her tears stream down her cheeks. The only sounds between them were the tears that touched the floor, "There is always a point Umi, there is always a reason to keep living. I, of all people should know that, do you not think that I feel pain?" so much for bringing emotions into play, he thought dryly.

"What?" she whispered and almost brought her eyes to his.

"Don't you understand what I am? I am the Guru, the Master Mage of Cephiro, I am entrusted with everyone's problems, everyone's needs. Do you understand that there is never anyone there for me either? I have always been there, a shoulder to cry on; I've never been anything more. I've never had anyone to go to, because I could never show weakness or emotion, never let anything come between my duties. As much as you hate to admit it you see it, I know you do. You're selfish," he turned and walked out, "You've always been selfish."

*What are we thinking? Another few chapters? I have a couple things going on in my mind right now so I have to figure them out and then I'll know whether it's one more chapter or five. *Looks into the sky* PLEASE don't make it much longer! It's hard to bear!*

Quote:

"I can feel the DISTANCE as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you

How can I when you build the great WALL around you?

In your eyes I saw a future together

But you just look away in the distance…"

~Tori Amos, China, Little Earthquakes