Stupid Cupid, Part One: The Tale of Lotte
Warning! This is my first attempt at a M/M (yaoi) and F/F (yuri) fanfic! I swear upon everything sacred and good that none of these pairings are my idea! It was all done by lottery! It's all in good fun, though, really!
Quickly, Lotte scampered away from the basement, the shouting of that old geezer dying down. She hid behind a wall and desperately tried to muffle her giggling. Apparently, it worked--old Crowley ran on by without seeing or hearing her.
"Old bat must be losing his hearing," she chuckled. Lotte sighed, and gazed at the relic she had swiped from Crowley's arrangement of magical objects. Slowly, her hand caressed across the long shaft of it, and her eyes twinkled when they beheld the glowing tip. On the surface, it looked like any ordinary staff--but, oh! What a mistake that would have been! Inwardly, the object possessed great powers--mainly, the secret powers of love.
To make things simple, and to cut straight to the plot, the object was the Wand of Love. Anybody who felt its effects would instantly be smitten with the first person they laid their eyes on. Man, woman, or beast, the Wand of Love didn't discriminate.
And Lotte had it in her possession. Oh no!
"Now," she sang, skipping down the stairs of Toran Castle, "who shall I hit first?" She pursed her lips and heavily considered all the residents who were sorely lacking in the romantic department. Unfortunately, the castle was dangerously low on women, but then that would make things all the more interesting for Lotte!
Carefully, she passed Kasios, Futch, and Millie, and made her way to the left tower. Standing there half-asleep in the sunlight was former Lieutenant Valeria.
"Perfect," cackled Lotte. "Val's been in the dumps ever since she was brought onboard! Alen and Grenseal often hang around here, so she's bound to see one of them! I think she'd like Grenseal!" So with a wave of her wand and a quick dash away (Lotte didn't want Valeria falling in love with her!), Lotte dared to play matchmaker.
Valeria opened her eyes and looked around, completely unaware that she had been struck by the Love Bug. Lotte almost screamed as she spotted Camille walking towards the tower. Camille was cute and strong, but usually acted like a really big shrew, so she too was in need of a love. But Valeria? Lotte had to see this!!
"Huh, oh Valeria, where's Gremio?!" demanded Camille. "That lazy oaf still hasn't paid me off! Hey, uh, why are you looking at me like that?" Camille paused in mid-stride, unaware of the cruelty that fate had laid upon her.
"Oh, uh, h-hello, C-Camille," managed Valeria. She swallowed, obviously perspiring, and approached the younger lady. "Ah, I don't see why you'd want to be with Gremio… erm, that is, why you'd want to chase him around all day… when you could have me…"
"WHAT!!!" Lotte giggled, and scampered away as fast as she knew how. She certainly didn't want to stick around for the rest of this!
"Oh, Eileen my love!"
"Lepant! Darling!" The two sighed and embraced each other. Lotte smirked.
"Score!" she sang. "I just love a happy ending!" She smiled, and haphazardly aimed her wand at the bath house. She had been aiming for Sheena, who was bathing alone, but unfortunately, the ray hit Sansuke instead.
"Huh? Uh, what happened?" said the master of baths. He scratched his head, and suddenly began sniffing in the air. Obeying the rumbling in his stomach, Sansuke trailed off to the kitchen, where Lester was making another stew…
"Oh, rapture!" squealed Sansuke. "Oh, my darling! At last I have found my love!"
"Huh?" Lester cocked his eyebrows, obviously muddled by Sansuke's outburst. The master of baths ignored him and dove right towards the stew that was still broiling on the pot.
"MMhmm, mmnnnn, yum-yum-yumm!! D-delicious!!" Lester sighed, and visibly wiped his brow.
"Uh, I'm… glad you like it…"
Lotte giggled, glad she had hooked up another pair of "lovers". With the wand in her hand and a sparkle in her eye, she set about hooking other people up. Needless to say, the remainder of that day would be very disastrous--and hilarious!
The day waned, and Lotte soon began realizing the folly of her error. In an effort to hook grumpy old Kreutz up with somebody, she had mistakenly given him the hots for Lorelai. The results of the next pairing--Juppo and Pesmerga--were even more disturbing. Meg would've been lucky to find Juppo alive, let alone in one piece. Zen and Kwanda didn't go well either, and Sancho had much difficulty in prying Melodye away from him. Fortunately, it seemed as if Ronnie Bell had liked Yam Koo from the start, and Lotte was only doing them a favor.
For some odd reason, Lotte had no luck in giving Jeane the bug. However, she knew that Milia was in need of a significant other, and who better than Futch to cover those bases? Sure, he was younger than her--maybe about ten years, but in love, did that really matter? Of course it did.
Lotte giggled and waved the Love Wand at Milia, knowing that the gorgeous dragoon would notice Futch. Unfortunately, Milia spotted nobody as she made a beeline to the elevator. Lotte followed, hoping that she would at least notice somebody on a different floor. A nervous sweat tickled her face as she saw Milia approach Jeane's rune shop.
"Hello, Lady Milia," greeted Jeane in an exotic voice. Milia's face turned as red as her tunic.
"L-lady Jeane…" Milia sighed, and suddenly fainted in the rune shop. Jeane giggled at first--she knew that it was hard to not admire her--but her childish nature soon turned to concern when Milia did not wake.
"Oh, dear…" she sighed, and carefully walked over to revive the dragoon.
"Oops," giggled Lotte.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" Tir came screaming towards Lotte, knowing full well that she had been hooking people up all day.
"Yes, Lord Tir?" she asked innocently.
"You mean old witch!!" he screamed. "How DARE you hook my Kasumi up with Moose!"
"Hey, I tried to hook her up with you," she pouted. Her eyes were wide and brimming with tears, but Tir didn't buy the act.
"Well you didn't try hard enough! Fix it now!"
"Yes, young master," she sighed. She waved him away, and grudgingly began walking to where Kasumi was strangling Moose.
"Lotte!" exclaimed the blacksmith. "Get her off of me! I know you're responsible for this!" Lotte smiled and quickly snapped Kasumi out of her trance.
"Hey, Kasumi! You there?" she asked. The cute little ninja girl shook her head like a wounded boxer.
"Huh? UH!!? What am I doing here?!"
"Uh," managed Lotte, "you wanted to remodel your Sakura."
"Oh." Kasumi paused, and handed her claw over to Moose. "What can you do with it?"
"I'll see what I can do," he huffed, and went about remodeling her weapon. Lotte visibly sighed, and opted to try again some other time.
Sometime later, even more chaos had erupted in Toran Castle. Wanting to fix her errors with Milia, Lotte struck Futch with her wand. The results were terrifying: he ended up chasing after Sylvina. Chandler and Marie were equally terrifying, but nothing could prepare her for the fiasco that erupted when Cleo flirted with Kimberly.
But Lotte also found many successes. Humphrey seemed mesmerized by Kasios and her singing; she seemed relieved that another person appreciated her arts. Mina blushed when cute little Qlon declared her his "damsel in distress", and in turn showed the bizarre gatekeeper how to dance. Even the dark and stoic Kirke managed to find love with the simple washerwoman Sarah.
"Tengaar? Tengaar? Gosh, I wonder where she is…" Just then, Lotte was skipping past Hix. She was severely tempted to strike him with the wand so he would fall in love with her, but she was smart enough to know that he already had a sweetheart. However, she could still be friends--and right now, Hix looked like he needed a friend.
"What's wrong, cutie?" asked Lotte. Hix ignored her flirts.
"Tengaar's missing! I hope she isn't flirting with anybody!" He glared at Lotte acidly, and she reflected his glare innocently.
"Uh, I think I struck her while you were in the same room…"
"ACK, you didn't!! Meg was in that room too!!" Hix began screaming at his new revelation; Lotte soon joined him.
"Oops," she muttered. "I, uh, I think I struck Meg too…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Hix suddenly turned ferocious, and grabbed Lotte by the collar of her tunic. "LOTTE, YOU WILL FIX THAT MISTAKE FOR ME, OR ELSE I'LL SLAUGHTER YOU SO BAD THERE WON'T BE ENOUGH LEFT OVER TO FIT A CHINCHIRIRON BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Uh, sure, whatever you say…" Hix's demonic side faded, and he once again attained the look of an innocent young man.
"Really? Great! Thanks!" He smiled warmly, and Lotte contemplated vomiting. If one person had been hit by the Love Wand, the results would be disastrous enough; if two people had been hit at the same time… Lotte could only imagine…
Well, a few embarrassing scenes, fights, and crowbars later, Tengaar had recovered from her Love Bug and fell back in love with Hix. Meg, unfortunately, was still under the influence, although Tengaar was hardly her object of affections…
"LOTTE!!!!!!!! GET HER OFF OF MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
"Aw, Hix, c'mon! Go on a journey with me!"
"No!"
"Hey, Meg, uh… that's my boyfriend!"
"So? We can share!"
"Gross!!"
"Hix, you're blushing!"
"I am not!!!" Needless to say, Lotte escaped the scene giggling.
Lotte sighed, bored out of her mind. Giovanni and Krin had engaged in a rousing drinking song after hooking up, Marco and Georges had teamed up to spread their empire of games, and poor Sheena, who Lotte actually had a crush on, had been bashed in the head by Gaspar's Chinchiriron bowl and bonked on the head by Sergei's wrench. Apparently, he should have stuck with girls.
"I'll try one more time," said Lotte to herself, spying Sheena in the room. Secretly, she attacked herself with the Love Wand and aimed her sights on Sheena. Suddenly, he turned around to flirt with Camille, leaving Viktor standing in the way.
"Oh, c'mere, Vikki!!" Viktor saw Lotte squealing, and he too let out a squeal as she squeezed him--although he was hardly overjoyed.
"Hey! Gacck!! GET HER OFF OF ME!!"
"Not a chance!" chuckled Flik, who had seen the entire spectacle. "This is just too precious!"
"I SWEAR I WILL RIP YOUR SICK FREAKING HEAD OFF, FLIK!!!!!" Flik smiled and winked, and scampered away before Lotte could aim her wand at him.
"Oh, Fuuuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaa!! Where are you, my friend?? Fuuuuuuuuumaaa!!!" Vincent sighed, growing weary of searching for Fuma. Good luck!, Kasumi had screamed. Not even I could find him! He's really gotten good at that vanishing trick! Vincent sighed, vowing to never give up.
"Fuuuuuumaaaaa!!! Where are you, my friend?! FUMA!!"
"(Please don't find me, please don't find me, please don't find me, please don't find me, please don't find me, please don't find me…)"
"Arr…"
"Pirates shouldn't have these feelings…"
"Aye, mate." Kanak sighed, and drank his mug of rum.
"Hey, Kanak?"
"Yeah?"
"Love stinks."
"Yeah." Leonardo raised his mug to the air, and he clinked it to Kanak's.
"Here's to piracy."
"To piracy."
"And beautiful young women."
"Aye, hahahahaha!!!"
Apple sighed, her hand digging into her pockets wistfully. She had done something she never thought she ever would have done: she actually paid Lotte to hook her up with a nice man. She knew that it was wrong to mess with someone's emotions, especially love, and it was wrong to pay someone to give her a boyfriend… but WHO CARED?!
"Apple, I found someone!!"
"Hey, where are you taking me?!"
"You'll see!" Two voices filled the air: one, a squealing and bubbling voice that must've been Lotte's. The other was filled with thought and intrigue, but Apple didn't recognize it.
"Hey, put that Wand down!"
"Not a chance! BAM!!!"
"Ow! Hey!"
"HERE!!!" Hastily, Lotte pushed a blonde young man into the empty room, forcing him to glance at Apple. He did--and continued glancing, long after the young woman's face turned as red as her name.
"Quincy??"
Lotte smiled and wisely closed the door on the new couple, making sure that they were not disturbed. With the confidence of a prize fighter, she returned to the hall and continued to search for new possible lovers.
"AHA!! Onward, Chapman! Onward to glory!"
"Urgh, where's Sancho…?" Lotte smiled as she saw the half-deranged knight Max guide the armory salesman Chapman across the hall. Being too old and eccentric for a real love, Maximilian had instead seen Chapman as his new squire, and had since "recruited" him in his journeys. Lotte ignored both of them and journeyed straight to the General's tower, where she had last left Valeria with Camille…
Ignoring the "noises" that came from Camille's room, Lotte crept up on Lady Sonya Shulen. She had admired Sonya ever since the wily general signed on, and desired nothing more than to see the elegant lady hooked up with a noble gentleman. Kwanda, Kasim, and Leon might've been too old for her, but the sophisticated Window certainly wasn't, and neither were Alen or Grenseal.
Lotte snickered as she struck Sonya with the wand's power, and eagerly awaited for one of the three men to enter the room. Footsteps could be heard from outside, and Lotte's heart began leaping as she tried to guess which lucky guy would spend the evening with Sonya.
Anji came through.
"Oh, crap," said Lotte and Anji at the same time. Lotte's excitement turned to dread as she saw the pirate and the imperial naval general meet. The two were far from friends; at best, they were bitter enemies. Both Anji and Sonya seemed to exist only to kill each other: Sonya had summoned a dragon zombie to prevent Anji from raiding Toran Castle; Anji had tacked on a wedding dress at Shaharazade to spite her.
"It's you," spat Anji, noticing Sonya's presence. Immediately, her face contorted in a sneer, and she reached for a weapon. At the very last second, though, the magic of love kicked in, and Sonya's rage turned to affection.
"My dear Anji," she sang, dropping her weapon. Anji's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets as they saw Sonya slink over to him. She smiled warmly, gazing into his wild eyes. "Where have you been? I missed you!"
"Kill me," was all he could say. Sonya chuckled and winked at him. Anji's face grew red, and he grinned evilly. Even though he couldn't stand Sonya's guts at times, she was still a gorgeous woman, and he had even desired to have her company at times. Pirates and sophisticated lady-generals didn't usually mix well; this was certainly no exception.
"I'd rather not," sang Sonya, and Lotte couldn't help but squeal as their lips touched.
Well, the day had just begun, sort of, and already there had been several cute couples made. For once in his life, Sheena was trying to repel a girl's advancements--but with Kimberly, it was understandable. Max had officially declared Viki his "fair lady", and had even written a few sonnets dedicated to her. He also had Hugo as a scribe--after all, knights need someone to record their deeds, right? Max had even convinced Luc to be one of his squires; nobody knew how Luc agreed to such terms.
On a more hilarious note, Warren had nearly died laughing as he saw Lorelai chase after Taggart. The poor guy was pretty fast for one so thin and wan; he was strong too, but he was unable to avoid the adventurer for long. Lotte's attempt at hooking Meg up with a nice young man also backfired; the adventurer ended up "interrupting" Apple and Quincy. She had mistakenly hooked Morgan up with Alen; this resulted in somebody getting a black eye.
True to her word, Lotte attempted to give Kasumi and Tir another chance. Her aim was bad as always: Kasumi ended up crushing on Sydonia before long, and the two made a surprisingly good couple. The ninja was able to break out of the trance, only to fall in love with Viktor five minutes later. Poor Tir McDohl!!
In the meantime, Lotte was having problems of her own. Heavily desiring to score Sheena, Luc, or Futch, she honestly tried her best. Her best ended her hooking up with Jeane at first; thankfully, the rune mistress was able to snap her out of it.
Camille sighed to herself, barely clothed and out of breath. Her forehead was soaked with sweat, and her face was flushed from the intensity that had gone on between them. Her hair was messed up, and her limbs wobbled with anxiety. Her eyes stared at Valeria wearily.
"That was wonderful," she whispered, her breathing thin. Valeria hummed.
"You're much stronger than you look," she wheezed. "I was… surprised." Camille smiled, her cheeks turning as red as her hair.
"I'm glad I could help out," she managed. "I just hope nobody suspects anything."
"Don't worry," whispered Valeria softly, taking Camille's hand into hers. "Nobody will suspect that we've been training all this time." Camille smiled, and winked at her new sparring partner.
"You wanna grab something to eat at Antonio's?" she asked.
"Only if I'm paying," offered Valeria. Camille smiled, playfully aimed her spear at the older woman, and "forced" her out of the room. (Fooled you, didn't I?!)
BAM!!!
"Camille! CAMILLE, COME BAAAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!!" Camille suddenly had hearts floating around her head, and made a beeline for the exotic siren that was humming a hypnotic tune…
"OUT OF MY WAY, HUMPHREY!!!!!"
"Hm…" Humphrey sighed, and silently stood to leave. Camille gushed and sat cross-legged as she requested a song from her beloved siren.
"Huh," sighed Kasios, "and I was so enjoying Sir Humphrey's company…"
They say that all's fair in love and war, but apparently, there wasn't a noticeable difference in the two concepts. Allow some elaboration into the scene: Lotte had been flitting around the castle, nearly wearing herself out as she connected everyone to everyone else. Sometimes her magic didn't even work; that idiot Kage seemed unaffected, as did Fukien and Mathiu. But wherever one failure stopped her, three more rewarded her!
Alen "got over" Morgan fairly quickly when Lotte gave him a dose while he was in Kimberly's vicinity. The two hit it off and Lotte never bothered them again; as for Grenseal, Lotte giggled and squealed with delight as she discovered his secret stash of poetry dedicated to Milia. A tap on the dragoon's head was all she needed to propel the new love!!
"I think I'll leave them alone," she giggled, sneaking away from Alen and Grenseal's room. "Although I hope they don't do a foursome!"
"What a disgusting thought you have there!" cried Gremio. "And the nerve of playing with people's emotions like that!" Lotte sniffled, and soon began crying.
"Aw, c'mon," she pouted. "The Wand of Love only brings out the hidden desires that we all harbor!"
"Hidden desires nothing!" snorted Gremio. "I've been swamped by all sorts of characters today--most of whom were completely inappropriate! Do you know how hard it is to get a tiger warrior and an innkeeper from strangling your legs?"
"No…"
"Then no more love!!" Gremio reached for the wand, but was promptly stopped by Lotte. She hastily struck him with the wand, and scampered away before he could fall in love with her. Just then, Melodye entered, still heartbroken over Sancho's cold shoulder.
"Oh, darling Melodye…"
"Huh, Gremio?!" Melodye scratched her head, unsure as to what he meant, and continued her confusion even as he rushed towards her…
"Well," snorted Lotte, "that takes care of that!" She dusted off her hands, happy to see Esmeralda "befriending" someone just as air-headed as herself.
"My darling Viki," sang the older woman, "your hair is just too common! Here, you must allow me to fix it up for you!"
"Huh? What? Ow, hey, don't pull on my hair!"
"But I'm fixing it for you, dear!"
"Oh, right…" Lotte chuckled at the new couple, but suddenly spotted both Valeria and Sheena in a depression.
"What's up, guys?" she asked. Both her friends sighed.
"Camille didn't come back to, uh, you know…" mumbled Valeria. Sheena's ears grew red.
"Yeah, and uh, Kimberly's off with that Alen guy," he muttered. Lotte growled.
"Why don't I hook you two up together?!" she offered.
"NOO!!!!!" But before she heard their protest, Lotte had blasted both sword fighters with her wand, and it was only a matter of time before they found true LUV!!!
"Oh, my!" gushed Sheena. "Yam Koo! Yoo-hoo!"
"Oh, Ronnie Bell!" sighed Valeria. Lotte nearly collapsed on the floor.
"Whoops," she giggled, "let's try that again!" Lotte blasted the two with her magic, and they got their genders correct.
"Uh, hey Ronnie," said Sheena nervously. Ronnie Bell ran over and put Sheena in a headlock.
"Hey, cutie! How's about we go out and have some fun?!"
"G-great," he managed. Lotte smiled and wished the two of them good luck.
"Wow, you say you're an expert fisher?" gasped Valeria.
"And you're a master of the sword?" said Yam Koo. Valeria's eyes twinkled, and two more people walked away to the docks, elbow in elbow. Needless to say, Lotte began sobbing.
"That's… just… so… romantic!! Boo-hoo-hoo!"
"…aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Viktor sighed, and shrugged in defeat.
"What's gotten into her?" he asked. Flik shrugged.
"I dunno." Suddenly, the two men could hear more screaming from down the hall.
"WAIT!! LOTTE!! DON'T LEAVE! I LOVE YOU!!!" Both Flik and Viktor smacked themselves in the face as they saw Kasumi give chase to Lotte.
"Hey, guys!" she barked, dashing past them. "Have you seen dear Lotte? I MUST find her!! Please!!"
"That way," pointed Viktor. Kasumi smiled.
"Thanks, I owe ya!" She giggled, and skipped merrily along the path. Flik sighed.
"That wasn't the way that Lotte went," he said. Viktor shrugged.
"I figured that I could save her skin once, so she'd owe me a favor." Flik smiled.
"Pretty smart. Oh hey, here she--"
"…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Quincy ran screaming down the hall, an enraged Apple storming off right behind. After them came Camille, with hearts over her head and a certain hunter's name on her lips. Flik sighed and finished his statement five seconds too late.
"Comes now." Suddenly, he heard the sound of laughter from the inn, and was only too curious to check it out. He could have sworn that that laughter was Master Tir's…!
"Eh, Leader? You in here?" he asked. Flik shot Lotte a double take as she removed Lorelai's blindfold and presented the adventurer to him.
"Ta-daa!" squealed the magician. She giggled as Lorelai grew hearts in her eyes, and her giggling turned into oohing as Lorelai embraced Flik.
"Lotte!" he exclaimed. "Y-you did this for me?!"
"Of course!" she squealed. "Odessa's dead; might as well find a new chick!" Flik grinned and gave her a thumbs up as he put his arms around Lorelai's waist.
"(And I owe you one as well,)" whispered Taggart, slipping Lotte a small candy bar. He saluted and quietly vanished into the shadows. Meanwhile, outside, Cleo was learning the "tricks of the trade" from Chandler.
During the events of the day, Esmeralda had discovered the true value of a song, and had since found Kasios a wonderful companion and an all-around magnificent artist. Templeton and Stallion had teamed together to scour the four corners of the globe; Meg and Viki were partners in their new adventuring schemes ("Teleportation is so much faster than walking!", Meg had squealed); Maas and Morgan found the true "value" of the hammer, and even poor Apple, who had dumped Quincy on Camille, found herself in a surprising embrace.
"Get OFF of him, you brat!!" Apple chuckled, and adjusted her glasses.
"Now, now, Kasumi," she berated, "you did the same thing to Master Tir with Sydonia, Viktor, and Moose. Now don't you think it's his turn?!"
"NO, I…" Needless to say, Apple's advanced mind had Kasumi cornered. The cute little geek chuckled playfully as the "young master" kissed her neck; Kasumi's face was red as well, but it was hardly out of embarrassment.
"I… WILL… KILL… YOU… BOTH!" she stated, enunciating all her words. She fumed and bolted towards Lotte. "YOU HAD BETTER FIX THIS, YOU LITTLE WITCH, OR ELSE I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR STOMACH AND USE IT AS A BAGPIPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Okay, I get it," chuckled Lotte sheepishly. She slammed her rod against both Tir and Kasumi, and forced them to look at each other. "Now you will fall in love with the first person you see!" she declared.
"Oh, young master…"
"My sweet Kasumi…"
"Darn, I thought I had something!" cursed Apple. Her cheeks grew rosy suddenly as she spied Kuromimi walk by…
"Oh, boy," groaned Lotte. "It's gonna be a LONG day!!"
By the end of the day, nearly everyone was with someone special and dear to them… while still more were just glad that Lotte hadn't attacked them. Humphrey and Jeane made a surprisingly good couple; it appeared as if not even Jeane could crack Humphrey's exterior, but that was probably what attracted her to him. Lotte had used the wand on herself one last time, just for fun, and was rewarded for her efforts when a lonesome-looking Luc passed by the hallway…
"Oh, Luuuuuuuc!" she sang. The young wizard turned around.
"Oh, it's *you*," he spat. He flinched as he saw the Wand of Love. "Eep, point that thing someplace else! The last thing I need is to fall in love with a crazed little girl like--"
BAM!!!
"…oh… wow… Lotte… what's a crazy girl like you doing here?"
"Being with you!" she giggled. Luc smiled, and took her arm in his own. Suddenly, Crowley appeared out of nowhere with Viki at his side.
"Aha!" he coughed. "My wand! And you've been misusing it all day!"
"What's an old bat like you doing with a wand of love, anyway?!" screamed Lotte. Crowley shrugged and swiped the artifact back into his possession.
"Easy," he replied. "Chandler was out of Viagra."
The End