Dawn's Journal Entry

It's been three weeks today since Buffy left. I miss her so much. I hate her for leaving me again, but I love her more. Things have changed so much, everybody is quiet all the time.

When she left everything was crazy. We were all crying, and yelling. Xander and Spike were screaming at each other. I just don't remember what they said. I was on the floor crying, I don't think I've ever cried that much, even when mom died. I just couldn't make the tears stop. All I could hear was the yelling, the fighting. All I could do was cry, and cry, and cry. Willow said something to them and they got really quiet. Spike left slamming the door, I think he went to look for her, I'm not sure. All I know is that none of us have seen her since.

I don't remember much more of that night, the next few days are kind of blurry too. Spike came back. He looked so pale, and his eyes they were no longer the happy laughing eyes that I remember. They were hollow, lost, dead. He just came in one night with a box of stuff, hugged me and said he was staying until we found her. He moved into the basement. Nobody argued. Xander moved in a little while after, and the two of them actually seemed to put aside their differences. Nobody fought, at least not while I was around. The house was filled with tension, I hated it. There were so many of us living there, and yet we barely spoke.

I stopped going to school about a week ago. I leave in the morning and go walking around. Nowhere really, I always come home early, nobody says anything. They simply go on not talking.

Money has stopped being a problem, I don't know why. Xander doesn't work anymore, yet we have all the money we need. Willow is constantly on her computer. You would think we would need money more, but no. They give me all the money I want, I went shopping a few times, but it was to painful. I would see something in the window and think, Buffy would wear that. Then I would remember that Buffy was dead, no undead. I still can't decide which is worse.

It is really late, I've been having trouble sleeping, I close my eyes and I see her, screaming, dying. She reaches her arms out for me to save her, and I can't, and then she's gone. I wake up sweating. It's easier just not to sleep, when I get tiered enough I don't dream. It is much much better that way.

It happened again tonight, the dream, so I picked up my diary. I haven't written in it for so long, it used to help me to deal. It helped for the divorce, and mom's death, I thought maybe it would help me now. It isn't. This is different, she's still out there, I know that it isn't really her, it just, it just, maybe she still is in there. Somewhere.

When I was younger Buffy used to tell me that vampires were bad. That they were not anything like the person they had once been. They were simply a demon, a demon who looked like the person they had been. Then she met Angel she never mentioned that philosophy again. Maybe we could curse her with a soul, and then she could be the same as she always was. This thinking is going to drive me crazy, though I think I'll ask Willow about it tomorrow. Tara might be able to do it.

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I looked at those last words and hurled my diary into the corner. I felt tears running down my face. It just wasn't fair, she's gone again, and I just got her back. it was hard but I managed to pull myself together. I didn't want to spend another night crying. I wiped my face dry with my arm, took a few shaky breaths and slowly stood up.

I walked to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. My hair was straggly, and flat. My face was all puffy and red, and I had deep bags underneath my eyes. I turned on the tap and splashed some cold water on my face. It felt so good against my burning skin. I wiped my face dry and headed back.

I was almost in my room when I heard voices. That was odd since nobody ever really said anything, and it was around two. I walked over and crept slowly down the stairs, the voices were coming from the living room. I sat quickly before they had a chance to see me. They were all sitting close and talking in whispers.

"Are you sure, Spike questioned." He had a strange expression playing across his harsh features. He looked nervous, and incredibly exited. Willow nodded.

"She's there, she said. I tracked him if he's there then she is to."

"Are we going?" It was Xander speaking that time. He looked so happy. I almost couldn't believe it they must have found her. If they found her then we could get her back!

"I think so, Willow said quietly. But what are we going to do about Dawn?" That was all I could take I jumped up and sped down the stairs, sliding into the room.

"You can take me with you."

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