More Like a Wise Guy: The Tale of Gaspar
(Scene: Throne room of a foreign kingdom. One of the Three Wise Guys, Gaspar, is seated on a throne. Illustrious Soothsayers #1-3 surround him; attendants are scattered about.)
Gaspar: What business is this?! Are we doing a play??
Soothsayer #2: What do you mean, your worship?
Gaspar: This idiotic script format!
Attendant: What of it, milord?
Gaspar: What is its purpose? What is it doing here? What was the deal with that "Scene" bit earlier on?
Soothsayer #3: Uh, "Scene" bit, sire?
Gaspar: ……
Soothsayer #1: ……
Attendant: ……
Gaspar: None of this is making sense.
Soothsayer #2: Shall we start from the beginning, milord?
Gaspar: Please do! I was in a gambling house until recently! How on Earth did I get in this throne room?
Soothsayer #1: You had to take a dump, sire? (Gaspar promptly executes him)
Gaspar: You know what I mean!
Soothsayer #2: From the beginning, it is!
(Brief monologue)
Soothsayer #2: To explain the whole plot as plainly and quickly as possible, you, Gaspar, are one of the Three Wise Guys, one of the revered rulers of lands foreign. And my, that was a long sentence!
Gaspar: ……
Soothsayer #3: ……
Soothsayer #2: Anyway, we have come here bearing prophecy of the Messiah!
Gaspar: The what?
Soothsayer #2: You know!! The Messiah! The child born of a virgin!
Gaspar: ……
Soothsayer #2: Descendant of David? Born in Bethlehem?
Gaspar: …………I honestly have no idea as to what you're talking about.
Soothsayer #3: Listen, your name's Gaspar, right?
Gaspar: Yeah.
Soothsayer #3: And isn't one of the Three Wise Men's names Gaspar?
Gaspar: Huh? Uh, you lost me. (awkward pause)
Soothsayer #3: Ugh, never mind, sire. Anyway, we have come here to guide you to the Messiah, so that you may bring him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
Attendant: Uh, we can't spare the gold.
Soothsayer #3: And why not?!
Attendant: Because some doofus ordered a golden statue built in his likeness! (everyone turns to see the pure-gold statue of Gaspar. The attendant is promptly executed for calling Gaspar a doofus)
Gaspar: Jerk!
Soothsayer #2: What about the frankincense?
Soothsayer #3: Frankenstein?
Soothsayer #2: No, frankincense.
Soothsayer #3: Frank n' beans?
Soothsayer #2: …Frankincense.
Soothsayer #3: Oh, I get it. Frank's incense.
Soothsayer #2: No, frankincense. As in, perfumes.
Soothsayer #3: …You're giving him perfumes for his birthday? That's insane!
Soothsayer #2: …uh, huh… Yeah, well, we sorta have to.
Gaspar: The stores are out.
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Attendant: Okay. Does anybody know what myrrh is?
Gaspar: No.
Soothsayer #2: No.
Soothsayer #3: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Attendant: No.
Gaspar: How many attendants do I have?
Attendant: About 50,000.
Gaspar: *sigh* This may take awhile. Okay, who in here knows what myrrh is?
Attendant: Not me.
Soothsayer #2: Not me.
Soothsayer #3: Not me.
Attendant: Not me.
Gaspar: ……All right, I guess we can skip on that. Well, what do we have to give? (everyone searches their belongings)
Soothsayer #3: Oh! I have a nice shrubbery!
Gaspar: I guess that'll have to do. Anyone have anything else?
Attendant: Uh, I have a rock.
Gaspar: ……
Both Soothsayers: ……
Gaspar: …Good enough. We need one more thing.
Soothsayer #2: Will this autographed Siegfried & Roy poster work?
Gaspar: Eh, sure. What Messiah could pass up those, uh, valuable presents?
All: ……………………………….
Gaspar: A-HEM!! Well, uh… Hey, what am I doing again?
All: *groan*
(Scene: Gaspar is riding on a "camel" and has already been joined by his fellow Wise Guys, Melchior and Balthasar)
Melchior: You too, huh?
Gaspar: What?
Balthasar: Got suckered into this little Messianic deal, eh?
Gaspar: ……Yeah.
Melchior: It sucks, I know. I used to be making weapons in Zexen before all this happened.
Balthasar: And I was a half-crazed scientist moping around Viper Manor! All of a sudden, we get these Soothsayers and attendants volunteering to take us to see some baby!
Melchior: As if we needed to see some brat in diapers!
Gaspar: I heard he was this "Messiah" guy.
Melchior: Whoops, did I say brat? I meant, uh, great man. Yeah, great man.
Balthasar: So anyway… here we are, riding on these so-called camels, through this really nasty desert… And we're following this real bright star that's probably just some superhero emergency signal that got left on.
Melchior: Looks like the Crouton Man signal.
Balthasar: Hey, you're right!! (the Wise Guys take a closer look at the "star" and realize that it is in the shape of a crouton. Disappointed, they turn their camels around and head back home. However, another signal is in the sky)
Gaspar: Lemme guess: The Thang signal?
Balthasar: Yup.
Melchior: This may take awhile.
(Scene: The Wise Guys finally make it to the little town of Bethlehem and resist the urge to burst out in song)
Melchior: Ah, we made it! We're here! We're in the little town of Bethlehem!
Gaspar: Not anymore. I think we just passed it.
Melchior: Already?!
Gaspar: Yeah.
Balthasar: But we just entered it!
Gaspar: It's THAT little!!
Balthasar and Melchior: *groan*
(Scene: away in a manger. By now, the fellows are finding it harder and harder to not burst out in song.)
Gaspar: Looks like we're here!
Melchior: We're somewhere. That's progress, at least.
Balthasar: Hey, guys?
Both: Yeah?
Balthasar: Weren't we looking for the 7-11?
Both: Yeah.
Balthasar: And does this look like a 7-11? (points to the manger. A long pause)
Both: ………No. Oops.
Gaspar: How do you suggest we go about arriving at a 7-11?
Melchior: I know! Let's ask the Three Wise Guys!
Gaspar: The who?
Melchior: The Three Wise Guys! They're supposed to be the smartest people in the land!
Balthasar: Where are they now?
Melchior: In lands foreign!
Balthasar: Oh. Are they supposed to be around here soon?
Melchior: Yes, very. Let's wait until they get here.
(And so our heroes wait for the Three Wise Men. They never come)
Gaspar: They're not coming!
Melchior: Bummer.
Shepard: Hey, you three?
All: Us?
Shepard: Yes, you! Aren't YOU three the Three Wise Guys?
Gaspar: …I think so.
Melchior: Whoops! Guys, WE'RE the three wise guys!
Balthasar: HEY!! You didn't capitalize our name!
Melchior: What?
Balthasar: Didn't you learn anything? You always capitalize important thingies!
Melchior: Like This?
Balthasar: Exactly!
Melchior: Ok, Okay. I'm So Sorry. Anyway, Where Were We?
Balthasar: Not like that, idiot.
Melchior: sorry.
Shepard: …you three are WEIRD!! (he runs away verily)
Gaspar: What does verily mean?
Melchior: Who knows and who cares!?
Balthasar: We need to depart. (they depart)
(Scene: A 7-11. After departing, Our Illustrious Heroes trade in the autographed Siegfried & Roy poster for a six-pack of generic soda, a bug-zapper, and some beef jerky. They suddenly realize that they need to visit the Messiah, and leave the 7-11 hastily. After several hours of travel, we three kings finally return to the little town of Bethlehem, away in a manger, in a silent night--they came upon a midnight clear!)
Gaspar: For the middle of the night, it's awfully clear out here! (Melchior suddenly has a heart attack from the cholesterol in the beef jerky)
Balthasar: Whoops, Melchior's dead. Oh no.
Gaspar: I think we need to pull over and ask for directions. I hope we don't get the wrong manger.
Balthasar: OR the wrong Messiah!
(Scene: A toll booth. A police officer kindly gives the Three Wise Guys Minus One directions. They give him their snake in return, and the officer promptly hauls their carcasses in jail)
(Scene: A jailhouse. Gaspar is playing the harmonica while Balthasar is banging on the bars with a coffee mug. A very large inmate is "checking out" Gaspar)
Balthasar: Let me OUT of here! You can't do this to me! I'm a Wise Guy!
Warden: Yes, well, we all knew that!
Balthasar: What?! How dare you!
Gaspar: Just shut up. This whole day has been weird for me.
Inmate: Hey, cutie…
Gaspar: Touch me one more time and you die!
Inmate: Oooh, feisty! (telephone rings)
All: THE GOVERNOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Warden: Hello? Yes? Mr. Governor, sir? Yes? Yes?? NO!!! NO WAY!!! Yes? YES?? NO!! No… Yes? YES!! Yes, yes, YES!!! Oh, no!! NO!! Yeah… yeah, hold on. Hey, which one of you morons is Gaspar?
Gaspar: I am he.
Warden: Okay, you're free to go. Seems that Balthasar was the one who gave me that snake. (he unlocks the jail cell and lets Gaspar go free)
Balthasar: But what about me?
Warden: It's the electric chair for you, bucko!
Balthasar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Scene: The Manger. Gaspar is all alone, how sad…)
Gaspar: Whew, finally made it! (he approaches the baby Messiah) Hey, kid, what's up?
Jesus: Not much. Hangin'. You?
Gaspar: Whoa, a talking baby!!!!
Jesus: Yeah. The perks of being the Son of God. I just found out yesterday that I can qualify for my Harvard Degree, and I can't even crawl yet.
Gaspar: Sweet! Uh, anyway, I come bearing gifts… or gifting bears… Either way! (Gaspar gives the Messiah the rock)
Jesus: Oh. A rock. How… thoughtful.
Gaspar: Yeah, well, uh, it wasn't my idea. Oh, and I also have this. (he gives the Messiah a bug zapper and Balthasar's coffee mug)
Jesus: ……What am I supposed to do with this stuff?
Gaspar: ……Well, you kill bugs with the bug zapper.
Jesus: Ahuh.
Gaspar: And you, uh, drink from the coffee mug.
Jesus: Yeah… Uh, I don't think that coffee is invented yet.
Gaspar: Neither are 7-11s, but what's to stop us?!
Jesus: Amen, brother! (they do a high-five)
"Huh, what!! …What the…?" Gaspar grunted, staring down at his empty chinchiriron bowl. He sighed, wiped his forehead, and breathed out in relief. "Just a stupid dream," he reasoned.
Inmate: Well now, I wouldn't say that!! *wink*
Gaspar: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
The End…?
Closing comments: Okay, for all you readers out there who couldn't tell, this beast was a PARODY of the story of the Three Wise Men and their visit to the Messiah. Remember "The Life of Brian"? It's just like that.