Chapter 3: The Smash Brothers Studios
As I entered the Studios, whom should I see working out but Speed Racer. He stared at me. Suddenly, he charged at me, screaming something about his car. He shoved me against the wall and proceeded to beat mercilessly. The security had to pry him off me.
After some badly need first aid, I was ready to get even. I waited in the parking lot with a bag full of doorknobs. As he walked by me, I slammed the bag into his head with all the force I could muster. His skull cracked like an egg. I stuffed his limp body into the trunk of his new car. I drove it to a nearby lake. As it sank to the bottom I screamed,
" We're even now! " at his now bloated corpse.
I decided to hurry to my first match up. My first opponent was Donkey Kong. As I hurried to the arena, Link stopped and started to talk to me.
" Do you think you could take it easy on Donkey Kong? " He asked.
" Why the hell should I? He's tremendous " I replied. A sad look crossed Link's face.
" I wouldn't be asking you this if he didn't need it. Ever since the botched brain surgery, he's been a little slow. "
" What do you mean? "
" He's has mental disabilities! " Link explained.
" Meaning what? "
" For the love of God you moron, he's retarded! " He snapped.
" Ohhhh! " A sly smiled crossed my face. Link hurried off and I entered the arena, D.K's locale.
The announcer gave our introductions.
" In this corner, standing 9 feet, weighing 875 pounds, the thrilla Gorilla, D.K! Opposite him, standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., the man who can, El'capitan, Captain Falcon! "
As we glared at each other, D.K. blurted out.
" Bad man go splat! " With that comment, he slammed his enormous paw on my head. As this happened, my rips snapped like old rubber bands under it's tremendous force. I screamed bloody murder and clawed at his face. I heard D.K scream with pain.
" Bad man hurt eyes! D.K. no see! " I looked at his face and saw blood pouring down from his closed eyelids. Taking the opportunity, I gave a powerful uppercut to his abdomen. As he twitched on the ground with pain, I kneed him in the back of his neck. He went limp. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting back up, so, putting him in a headlock, I snapped his neck like a twig. I then proceeded to kick him in the face repeatedly.
The announcer then came on with a frantic voice.
" D.K. needs medical attention ASAP! " He then started weeping, " This is the worst
* Sob * thing that I've * Sob * seen in my career! " His voice then turned cheery.
" But at least you know not to mess with Cap'n Falcon! He's my hero! Brought D.K. down to zero! "
The crowd cheered as I walked out of the arena. They also cheered as they took D.K. out on a stretcher. I later found out that he was paralyzed from the neck down and in a coma. He was on life support. I decided that was no life for him. In the middle of the night, I snuck into his private room and switched off his support systems. As he began to breath on his own, he looked up with his one good eye. I grabbed a pillow and held it over his face. When he stopped breathing, I let go. His tongue hung out of his open jaw. I left his room without a sound and headed back to my quarters. Once there, I had a goodnight's sleep.
The next morning, I had a match with Link. He was pretty pissed off at me for snapping D.K.'s neck. I knew with that sword of his, I couldn't beat him, so I strapped a sword to my leg. Other contestants stared at me and often asked why I walked like Frankenstein. I told them I had a bum leg from Yesterdays battle. The sword I stole had a Titanium Alloy blade, which was incredibly durable with a razor sharp edge.
We entered the arena, Hyrule Castle. We stared each other down. We both knew only one would walk out and I knew it was damn sure going to be me. The announcer came on.
" On this side, measuring 5'10, weighing 183 lbs., the hero of cool who comes from Hyrule, Link! And on this side, Standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., The master Basher and full-time Smasher, Captain Falcon! "
Link charged at me with his sword and slashed away at me. He cut my left arm horribly, the blood poured out. Luckily, before he could do anymore, I was able to bring him down with a clean leg sweep. It gave me time to draw my sword. As Link set eyes upon it, he gasped.
" How the hell did you get that?! " He exclaimed.
" I stole it off some wino named Marth. " I replied.
Link jumped to his feet and charged at me with the Master Sword. He swung it at me. Luckily, I was able to cut his hand off. He screamed in agony. I started breathing heavily from exhaustion
" Link…* Puff*…I am your father. "
" Really?! " Link cried.
" No, of course not, IDIOT! " I then kicked him in the crotch. He passed out from pain. I decided to have a little fun with Link. I shaved him bald and tattooed " Chrome Dome " on his forehead. I was exhausted as I left the Castle. The crowd cheered once again. Thankfully, I have a day off tomorrow.
As I entered the Studios, whom should I see working out but Speed Racer. He stared at me. Suddenly, he charged at me, screaming something about his car. He shoved me against the wall and proceeded to beat mercilessly. The security had to pry him off me.
After some badly need first aid, I was ready to get even. I waited in the parking lot with a bag full of doorknobs. As he walked by me, I slammed the bag into his head with all the force I could muster. His skull cracked like an egg. I stuffed his limp body into the trunk of his new car. I drove it to a nearby lake. As it sank to the bottom I screamed,
" We're even now! " at his now bloated corpse.
I decided to hurry to my first match up. My first opponent was Donkey Kong. As I hurried to the arena, Link stopped and started to talk to me.
" Do you think you could take it easy on Donkey Kong? " He asked.
" Why the hell should I? He's tremendous " I replied. A sad look crossed Link's face.
" I wouldn't be asking you this if he didn't need it. Ever since the botched brain surgery, he's been a little slow. "
" What do you mean? "
" He's has mental disabilities! " Link explained.
" Meaning what? "
" For the love of God you moron, he's retarded! " He snapped.
" Ohhhh! " A sly smiled crossed my face. Link hurried off and I entered the arena, D.K's locale.
The announcer gave our introductions.
" In this corner, standing 9 feet, weighing 875 pounds, the thrilla Gorilla, D.K! Opposite him, standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., the man who can, El'capitan, Captain Falcon! "
As we glared at each other, D.K. blurted out.
" Bad man go splat! " With that comment, he slammed his enormous paw on my head. As this happened, my rips snapped like old rubber bands under it's tremendous force. I screamed bloody murder and clawed at his face. I heard D.K scream with pain.
" Bad man hurt eyes! D.K. no see! " I looked at his face and saw blood pouring down from his closed eyelids. Taking the opportunity, I gave a powerful uppercut to his abdomen. As he twitched on the ground with pain, I kneed him in the back of his neck. He went limp. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting back up, so, putting him in a headlock, I snapped his neck like a twig. I then proceeded to kick him in the face repeatedly.
The announcer then came on with a frantic voice.
" D.K. needs medical attention ASAP! " He then started weeping, " This is the worst
* Sob * thing that I've * Sob * seen in my career! " His voice then turned cheery.
" But at least you know not to mess with Cap'n Falcon! He's my hero! Brought D.K. down to zero! "
The crowd cheered as I walked out of the arena. They also cheered as they took D.K. out on a stretcher. I later found out that he was paralyzed from the neck down and in a coma. He was on life support. I decided that was no life for him. In the middle of the night, I snuck into his private room and switched off his support systems. As he began to breath on his own, he looked up with his one good eye. I grabbed a pillow and held it over his face. When he stopped breathing, I let go. His tongue hung out of his open jaw. I left his room without a sound and headed back to my quarters. Once there, I had a goodnight's sleep.
The next morning, I had a match with Link. He was pretty pissed off at me for snapping D.K.'s neck. I knew with that sword of his, I couldn't beat him, so I strapped a sword to my leg. Other contestants stared at me and often asked why I walked like Frankenstein. I told them I had a bum leg from Yesterdays battle. The sword I stole had a Titanium Alloy blade, which was incredibly durable with a razor sharp edge.
We entered the arena, Hyrule Castle. We stared each other down. We both knew only one would walk out and I knew it was damn sure going to be me. The announcer came on.
" On this side, measuring 5'10, weighing 183 lbs., the hero of cool who comes from Hyrule, Link! And on this side, Standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., The master Basher and full-time Smasher, Captain Falcon! "
Link charged at me with his sword and slashed away at me. He cut my left arm horribly, the blood poured out. Luckily, before he could do anymore, I was able to bring him down with a clean leg sweep. It gave me time to draw my sword. As Link set eyes upon it, he gasped.
" How the hell did you get that?! " He exclaimed.
" I stole it off some wino named Marth. " I replied.
Link jumped to his feet and charged at me with the Master Sword. He swung it at me. Luckily, I was able to cut his hand off. He screamed in agony. I started breathing heavily from exhaustion
" Link…* Puff*…I am your father. "
" Really?! " Link cried.
" No, of course not, IDIOT! " I then kicked him in the crotch. He passed out from pain. I decided to have a little fun with Link. I shaved him bald and tattooed " Chrome Dome " on his forehead. I was exhausted as I left the Castle. The crowd cheered once again. Thankfully, I have a day off tomorrow.