PART FOUR: ROCKETS, BASEMENTS, ALIENS, AND A HOLE IN THE GROUND
Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile...
Skelly waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.
Meanwhile...
"HEY! Somebody's spiked the punch!"
"Somebody's stolen all the food!"
"Somebody's stolen my boyfriend!"
"Somebody's put on country music!"
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"
"Wh-why are you guys looking at me all of a sudden?" asked Janice nervously. She was holding a bottle of brandy in one arm, a plate with a slice of cake in her hand, a boyfriend in the other arm, and a Hank Williams CD in the other hand. A pillow was at her feet.
"Kick her out!" shouted George.
"Make her walk to Vegas!" shouted Walker.
"Gin," said Herbert.
"The squirrels stole my tuxedo!" cried Bush.
"Let's be nice to her," suggested Junior. Everybody tossed Janice and Junior out of the gymnasium, leaving them to fend for themselves.
"Man!" fumed Janice, hopping up and down madly. "Those jerks!" Junior looked at her.
"I love you, Janice!" he blurted, shaking like a madman. Janice growled and whacked him with her carrot, then hopped away to try and find another ride to Vegas. Junior flew a few feet before landing in the pool, and he never saw Janice again.
Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile...
Skelly waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.
Meanwhile...
Adventures in the Southwest, the first: Houston
"Houston, we haveCHA problem!" squealed Mel, running around the base. Her arms were protruding out, and she kept on making airplane noises. "Oh no! The aliens are gonna get Mel!"
"Noo I'm noot!" squeaked Starky.
"I didn't mean you, Starky! Sorr-y!"
"Thaat iis okaay, Mel! Noo problem!" Mel nodded and continued to run around wildly.
"I can't take it anymore!" shrieked one of the staff. He bolted out the door, screaming wildly. More employees took to the streets, yanking their hair out in madness.
"Mel, look at whatCHA doin'!" scolded Macha. "You're drivin' everyone away!"
"B-but ma, that means that there'll be more room for us!" squeaked Mel innocently. Korcha said something unintelligible under his breath.
"What does this button do?" asked Marcy, pounding blindly on the terminals. Suddenly, alarms went off and the PA blared to life.
"Warning! Warning! Launch sequence has been activated! Repeat, launch sequence has been activated!"
"Oops," said Marcy innocently. She kicked the floor, hoping that nobody would care.
"Marcy," growled Viper, "you got a lotta splainin' ta do!"
"Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!"
"Oi, hold on a second!" shouted Kid. "...Where's Fargo and Serge?"
"Arr! What the--? This thing's takin' off!" Serge nodded, trying to stop the launch sequence. "That's not gonna do any good, boy! This thing's gonna blow any minute! Brace yerselves!" Fargo clung onto something, and Serge buckled himself in the copilot's seat, bracing himself for the worst.
"Ten, nine, eight, six..."
"Six? What happened to seven?" shrieked Fargo.
"Just kidding!" Fargo cursed and the countdown continued. "Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, have a nice day!"
"Thank you!" nodded Fargo, and the space shuttle blasted off into the atmosphere, sending two more of the group on a wacky adventure...
Meanwhile...
"I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore," wheezed Janice, plopping down on the ground. Actually, she had walked to Nebraska all the way from Minnesota, and had yet to hit Kansas. She suddenly saw another car, and stuck out her thumb, hoping for a sane driver for once.
"Where're you headed?" asked the gruff voice.
"Vegas."
"Me too. Hop on in." Janice hopped inside the small car, thanking the driver.
"Oh, that's all right. But just answer me one question."
"Sure." The driver turned around and snarled.
"You sure you don't wanna see a dead body?!"
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"
Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile...
"Finally! I've been waiting for minutes!" groaned Skelly. The car pulled up to him, and the driver let him in. Skelly gasped when he saw the passenger.
"Janice?"
"Skelly?"
"That's the dead body!" chortled the driver.
Meanwhile...
Adventures in the southwest, the second: Remember the... uh... the place!
After hightailing it out of Houston, Kid tried her atlas one more time. Marcy had to be bailed out of prison, and that cost the group a lot of time and money.
"We're in the middle of nowhere," observed Greco. "We should be getting to the southwest soon."
"Yes. Oh, I have an idea!" piped Glenn. "Let's go to the four corners."
"The what?"
"The four corners. You know, the point where Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona intersect?"
"No."
"Go there anyway, Grobyc." The cyborg grunted.
"As-you-wish. Grobyc-will-be-arriving-in-New-Mexico-before-long. First-we-must-go-to-the-Alamo. After-that-maybe-we-can-see-the-Grand-Canyon."
"Superb idea, Monsieur Grobyc!" sang Pierre.
"Well-we-are-here-in-the-Alamo," said Grobyc, stopping the bus briefly. Everyone got out and stretched, but Leah was nowhere to be found...
Leah had been following the Alamo tour ever since she arrived, and wanted to ask a question, but was told to hold all questions until the end of the tour. The whole stupid thing took half an hour, but she finally got her turn.
"Yes, the primitive-looking girl in the front?" pointed the guide.
"Leah ask question," said Leah. "Leah want know where basement is."
"Why, the Alamo doesn't have a basement!" smiled the tour guide. She began laughing, and soon everybody turned to Leah and began laughing at her. She covered her ears, but was unable to drown out the horrible sound. Finally unable to bear it anymore, she ran outside the Alamo screaming, and bumped into Funguy.
"Sorry-sorry, Funguy!" exclaimed Leah. "I no find bike." Funguy cursed.
"Then that gypsy just gypped me! Well, come on, Grobyc's about to leave." And so the whole group boarded the bus again, very sad that the Alamo didn't have a basement.
Adventures in the southwest, the third: Area LI
"Where are we now, Grobyc?" asked Glenn.
"The-middle-of-nowhere," replied the cyborg. Starky jumped in his seat.
"No jumping in the seat," said Viper. Starky pointed out the window.
"Look!" he squealed. "It's soome kiind of plaace!!"
"Place!!" shrieked Leena. "Where?" Everybody craned their heads out of a window to get a good look at the "place". It was a secret military base that nobody knew about.
"What ist it?" asked Irenes.
"Starky not knoow. Starky iinvestiigate." And before anyone could protest, the cute little alien had hopped out of the bus and was skipping towards the base. He never returned.
Two hours later...
"Gin," said Herbert. Orlha grunted
"What's taking Starky so long?" she demanded. "He should have been back by now." After getting no response, she shrugged and got out of the bus. "I'm going to go look for him. If I'm not back in an hour, destroy the place." And there was much rejoicing.
Two hours earlier...
Starky skipped towards the military base. It was in the middle of nowhere, which made him wonder why it was there in the first place. Suddenly, as he neared it, several flashing lights struck him. He shielded his face from the lights as several strange voices barked out at him.
"Who are you? How did you get in here?"
"Starky aam Starky," replied Starky. "Starky fiind baase."
"Oh my gosh, an alien!" screamed a voice. "And he's in Area 51!"
"Capture him!" shouted a voice. Starky jumped.
"Uh-oh! Starky iin trouble!!"
Two hours and five minutes later...
"Who are you? How did you get in here?" Orlha shielded her eyes against the glare.
"My name's Orlha, and I've come to save my friend Starky. We stumbled across this military base, see, and--"
"Oh my gosh, a babe!" screamed a voice. "And she's in Area 51!"
"Capture her!" shouted a voice. Orlha jumped.
"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble!!" Before any guards could capture her, Orlha sprinted into the base, kicking away the mean old guards as she broke into the building.
(Warning: because Area 51 is such a secret place, I originally thought it best to not go into description of its interior. But then I figured, why not?)
It was very shabby and it smelled like a dentist's office. It only contained a small rec room and a few bathrooms--and a dinette set! Orlha found Starky sitting in the room with Elvis, Bigfoot, and Robin Williams. They were playing poker, and Bigfoot was winning.
"Flush," grumbled Bigfoot happily. Everyone groaned.
"Aw man, not again!" mumbled Elvis.
"I am thoroughly disgusted," said Robin, doing his impersonation of Scarlet O'Hara.
"Noot good," whined Starky. Bigfoot raked in the loot and grinned.
"Starky!" exclaimed Orlha.
"Orlha!" exclaimed Starky. Elvis groaned.
"Aw man, I thought you were the pizza guy!"
"Sorry, your highness, but I've come to capture Starky!" Orlha apologized and grabbed Starky off of the floor, but not before shooting a photo of herself with the three of them. Robin Williams bade them good-bye in a John Wayne voice, and soon Orlha and Starky were back on the road.
Adventures in the southwest, the fourth: Hole
"So that's the Grand Canyon?" asked Van. He sat down and decided to paint a picture of it. Mel helped.
"Aye, there she is! What a fine sight, too!" beamed Zappa, crossing his arms. "Ah only wish Karsh was here ta see it."
"I am here, pops," noted Karsh. Zappa jumped.
"Ah mean the other Karsh."
"Whatever." Karsh spat over the edge and was tempted to throw Mel into the abyss as well. In fact, everyone except for Mel was tempted to throw Mel in the pit. Mel, however, was hiding behind Macha, so nobody could get to her.
"It is a nice place," noted Guile. Irenes nodded.
"Da. I haff never seen anyt'ink like it!"
"Grobyc says that you all can have five more minutes!" called Norris. "Then we will have to leave."
"Okay!" Slowly but surely, everyone began filing into the bus. Radius paused and grew very sad, wishing that Mr. Owl was there. He couldn't see any lovely trees, either.
"Ack!" jumped Miki.
"What's up, babe? Did you find out the dude that stole my cheesecake?" asked Doc.
"No, I know who's missing!" Razzly nodded.
"That's right! I noticed that one of our group was missing! But who is it?"
"Ummm... I think it's Turnip."
"I am right-eth here, Miki!" called Turnip.
"Then maybe it's... Van?"
"I'm here," said Van flatly, still painting on his canvas.
"Is it Sprigg?"
"Nope!"
"Umm, Pierre!"
"Non!"
"Razzly?"
"No..."
"Poshul?"
"Try again, Miki!"
"Darn, this is hard!" murmured Miki. She sat down on the ground, placed her hand to her chin, and thought about it.
"General Viper?"
"I'm here."
"Harle?"
"Oui!"
"Hu-hu, she said 'wee'," chortled Beavis.
"Fire, fire! Burn! Fire!" cackled Butt-head.
"Radius?"
"Here!"
"Draggy?"
"It's not me!"
Meanwhile...
"Louie, Louie, whoooa, ohh, we gotta go now... Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, Louie Louie, whoooa, ohh, we gotta go now... Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"
"Isn't this fun?" asked The Driver. Janice nodded her head.
"Oh yeah! I thought you were just some freakazoid or something, but now I realize you're just psychotic!"
"Ssh!" shushed Skelly. "I can't hear the radio!" The Driver turned up the radio, but the song had already ended. "Aw man, news!"
"Hello, I'm Chunny Kong, and this is the six-o'clock news," spoke the radio. Since Skelly was in the back seat with Janice, neither one could change the station. "This is a special report, live from Houston," continued the radio. "Several authorities have spotted Space Shuttle Surely orbiting the Earth... without its original crew!"
Bum bum bummm!
"We have also learned that the new crew consists of what appears to be a mute and a pirate. This shuttle was accidentally launched from Houston a few hours ago, and authorities can't do anything about it, since they... are not in space!"
Bum bum bummm!
"Hey! That's Serge and Fargo!" squeaked Janice. Skelly nodded.
"If I know those guys, the shuttle was probably set off by Marcy or Mel."
"My money's on Mel." Suddenly, The Driver turned the radio off. "Hey, we were listening to that!"
"I don't like the news," growled The Driver. Janice made a peeping sound and promised to stay quiet; Skelly merely sneezed.
"Hey..." he said, pointing at Janice. "Is that a... cheesecake?"
Bum bum bummm!
Meanwhile...
"Is it Zoah?"
"WRONG!"
"Ummm, Leena?"
"Nope, I'm here."
"Marcy?"
"Like, I'm here!"
"Starky?"
"Preseent!"
"Janice?" No reply. "Janice?" Miki paused. "Aha! See, I told you I knew who it was! It was Janice all along, see?"
"Yeah," mumbled Korcha, "you're a real genius..."
"Well, now that we know who's missing, where to next, Grobyc?" asked Radius.
"The-Four-Corners."
"Oh no, I don't want to go there!" moaned Orlha.
"Me neither," coughed Orcha.
"Leah not want go!" said Leah.
"Please?" said Glenn, nearly begging them. "I've never been in four states at the same time before."
"Let us take a vote," suggested Norris. "All oppose, please remain seated. All for it, please stand up." Only Glenn stood up.
"No standing on the bus," said Viper. Glenn sat down.
"Then I guess we're off to Vegas, then?" Glenn slumped down, and Riddel placed her hand on his shoulder.
"I wanted to stand, but I couldn't unfasten my seat belt."
"Thanks, Miss Riddel," sighed Glenn.
"Las Vegas, ere' we come!" squealed Harle, hanging her head out the window. A tree smacked into her face.
Meanwhile, in space...
"Arr! Serge, do ya know where this thing's headed?" asked Fargo. Serge shook his head No. "Well, check the monitor or somethin'! We're bound to be headed somewheres!" Serge nodded and ran over to check the monitor. The only thing he could see was flashing lights and spinning arrows.
"Flashing lights and spinning arrows? Arr, yer readin' that all wrong!" exclaimed Fargo, shoving Serge out of the way. But the only thing Fargo could see were flashing lights and spinning arrows. "Arr, we be stuck out here!"
"Mission control to Space Shuttle Surely, do you copy? Repeat, Mission control to Space Shuttle Surely, do you copy?"
"Arr! I wonder who that could be?" asked Fargo. Serge shrugged.
"Surely, do you copy? Pick up the transmitter, you dummies!"
"Arr!" snarled Fargo, picking up the transmitter. "Don't call me Shirley!"
"Thank goodness you're all right, Surely! What's happening up there?"
"I said 'don't call me Shirley', ya barnacle-bum!" roared Fargo. Serge pushed him out of the way and took the transmitter.
"Ahuh. You say that you were exploring the ship when it blasted off? And you don't know where you're going? Okay, we can tell you that: you're headed to the moon to do whatever astronaut-type people do, I dunno. Anyway, to abort the mission, just press the red button. Oh, hold on a minute." Mission control paused for awhile, leaving Serge hanging.
"Sorry about that!! Push the red button if you want to abort and self-detonate! Haha! Sorry! Almost made a mistake there! What's that? Oh! To get back home, just press the green button! Yes, I'm sure! We'll take care of the rest! Over and out, Surely."
"D'arr, don't call me Shirley!"
Meanwhile, on Earth...
"Hey! We just passed Utah!" exclaimed Skelly. Janice waved good-bye to some Mormons.
"Yeah! Now all we have to do is find Las Vegas! But where do we start looking? The Driver dropped us off in the Rockies, so we had to ski all the way over to Utah!"
"Who are you talking to?" asked Skelly.
"Uhmmm, no one!" Janice grinned, and started hopping down the road. "So where's this Vegas place?"
"Somewhere in Nevada."
"And where's Nevada?"
"We're in Nevada, broccoli-head!" coughed Skelly. "We just have to find Vegas! Then we can catch up with everybody!"
"Yeah! But of course, Kid just had to have the map! She wouldn't dare give it to me; noooo, that spoiled little brat sure it a little bi--"
"I found it, Janice," pointed Skelly. Janice pursed her lips.
"Oh. Cool."
Meanwhile-meanwhile...
"Hey you guys!" pointed Nikki. "Is it just me, or is that...?"
"It is! It is! I'm sure of it!" exclaimed Sneff.
"Incredible!" gasped Guile.
"We're finally here!" shouted Leena.
"About time!" pouted Marcy.
"It's unbelievable!" cried Van.
"Took em' long enough!" sneered Karsh. Grobyc stopped the bus.
"OKAY EVERYONE!!!" shouted Zoah. "BATHROOM BREEEEEAAAAAK!!!!!!"
"Okay, now that everybody's had a sufficient bathroom break, let's get going!" announced Viper. Everyone cheered and got on the bus. Grobyc drove for three seconds and stopped the bus. They had made it.
"Incredible," sighed Guile.
"Amazing," yawned Sneff.
"Finally," moaned Leena.
"Whoop-dee-doo," groaned Marcy.
"Wow," said Van.
"Took em' long enough!" sneered Karsh.
"We-have-arrived-in-Las-Vegas," announced Grobyc. And there was much rejoicing.