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It is so good to know that there are actually people reading this. Thanks for all the nice comments. And here is Chapter 5. Sorry for not updating the weekend. Enjoy it and let me know if you liked it. R.
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Chapter 5: Christmas Night
Max left the couch and set down in front of the Christmas tree.
Logan looked at her and said, "Thank you for coming, Max. That's been the best present I could have gotten. I was conscience-stricken because I left you in Seattle. You deserved better than spending Christmas on a bicycle."
"Thank you, Logan. Thank you for being my friend and showing me a real European Christmas, I like it a lot."
"Wait till tomorrow. My mothers godfather and his wife are going to come over for dinner, that's really going to be hard. They are real Europeans. Even though they are not as snooty as my other relatives, they are quite a mess."
Max smiled, "I guess I will survive it. I could still kick their ass."
Logan chuckled, "Better not try it. But it's so good that you're going to stay for another week, so I can show you around a little. We have to see the beautiful old city and go and..."
"...and pretend there isn't a world over the ocean where you can't simply hang out with your friends and enjoy yourself? Where there's always work to be done and downtroddens to be saved?"
Logan nodded, "Yeah. Left my computer at home. Eyes Only is out of business."
"Really?" she asked and when he nodded she still couldn't believe it. Logan and just holidays? But he continued smiling and reality sunk in.
"Logan, this is so cool."
He smiled even brighter and couldn't believe there was someone who was so happy that he was not Eyes Only right now. Most people he knew preferred him being Eyes Only, 'cause that was the guy who could help them. But not Max. He had to think about how they had gotten together. The genetically engineered superwoman and him, the guy on wheels. He cared about her, cared too much. They would never be more than friends, it was just too difficult.
Max looked at the tree and outside the window. Logan casted a reflection on the glass behind the tree and when she saw him in his deep thoughts, she turned around. His chin was placed on his hands, his elbows on his thigh. She had given so much to get to know what he was thinking, but he wouldn't tell her. She had found him thinking like this in front of his windows in Seattle more than once and he had always changed the subject. Even though they had become good friends, there were so many things unspoken between them. But Max wasn't the one to force him. There were so many things she hadn't told him either. And what would it change? She was happy enough to have a friend like Logan. Nothing else mattered.
Never in her life had she considered to be able to celebrate such a wonderful holiday. Last year Cindy and she had had a Christmas tree, too and they had exchanged presents, but there hadn't been a wheelchair in front of her. And the guy in the chair hadn't been part of her life.
She tried to tease Logan, "Earth to Logan! Somebody home?"
His look came back to her from where he had stared and he nodded, "Yeah, I'm back. Sorry."
"It's late, do you wanna go to sleep?"
"No, I'm not tired, I just want to enjoy the moment."
Max nodded, "This room is so friendly and it's such a loving atmosphere here. You are lucky to have a home like that."
"I know. Please be sure I know. I've never considered myself to be a lucky person. I've always had a family that loved me, good jobs with a good salary and enough friends that I never had the feeling to be really lonely and still I've not considered myself to be happy. But it's only since I know you that I feel lucky because I had such a wonderful childhood. I know now that my life has been easier than that of most other people."
Max thought about it and said, "I'm not the measurement here. What about all those other people who kept on living their easy lives? Those who didn't start some kind of Eyes Only and who weren't shot? Don't you think they are luckier than you?"
Logan took a deep breath and said slowly, "Yeah, that's the way it should be. But I've figured out that they are not. Those people don't know about the right values and about their priorities. The last year was a roller-coaster ride when it comes to moods and feelings. Being shot I first didn't think about it and just went on, but when it finally sunk in my brain that I'd never walk again it felt like the end of the world. Then I could walk again and I considered myself to be the luckiest person alive. You know what happened when it was taken away from me again. Maybe that was a fall even deeper than the one before. But looking back at it, it's been a good year over all, 'cause I met you. I will never forget the day you broke into my apartment."
Max smiled. "Me neither. -You're a thief? - Girl's gotta make a living. -Thank god. That's been the strangest thing ever."
They both laughed and Logan couldn't believe how relaxed Max was. He watched the beautiful woman sitting on the floor in front of him.
She answered his look with a request, "Logan, may I ask you a question?"
Now he was surprised. "Why do you ask?" "Because it's kind of personal."
"Ask. You can't be sure to get an answer but ask." he said.
After having waited for a little moment she said, "I'm here with you and your family and the longer I watch all this, the less I seem to know about you. I know that your parents died years ago and that you spent some time with your uncle Jonas and aunt Margot. But I don't get it. Your grandparents seem to love you so much more than your aunt and uncle. Why didn't you stay with them? I don't even know how old you were, when your parents died. It's making me mad. You seem to know everything about me and I know nothing about you."
He thought a little about it and answered, "But that was part of our quid pro quo, wasn't it? I find out about you."
"Yeah, but don't tell me our relationship is still based on that quid pro quo."
"No, I won't. It's just an explanation." He paused, then continued, looking out of the window, "My parents died when I was fourteen. They were killed when the plane that was supposed to bring them back home from their vacation was captured and brought to explosion. My aunt and uncle where the only one's who kept cool. Granny had a nervous breakdown, that's why I couldn't live with them. When she felt better and tried to organize that I could live with them Jonas had already made everything clear. But Granny was great and didn't tell me. She invented some weird reasons why I had to stay with Jonas and Margot and made me feel as if everything was okay. It was more than five years later -I was already on college- when she told me the truth."
"Aren't you angry at your uncle?"
"What do you think?" he snorted, "But when I learned about what had happened the time for justice had passed. What should I have done?"
"Nothing. There was nothing left that could have been done." She carefully asked, "Those terrorists that bombed the plane your parents were in, have they ever been captured?"
Logan nodded, "The first thing Eyes Only did."
"That's why you started it, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Took me a lot of years to actually change to the underground journalism but that's why I started it."
Max looked at him. Logan was always so cool but every now and then she recognized that there was a weak and hurt person living behind that mask. She smiled at him and he smiled back. For a moment nobody said anything.
Then Max wanted to get this Christmas feeling back that had been hidden behind those memories of Logan's and she asked, "May I open your present now? I think I can't wait till tomorrow."
His smile was so cute when he answered, "Sure, why not. But then I'm going to open yours too."
Max nodded and took the present he had laid under the tree for her. She opened the paper and found a little necklace. Very simple and beautiful. Her smile told Logan more than her "Thank you" that she liked it.
"You once told me you were open to the idea to wear jewelry."
She laughed and remembered exactly when she had said that to him. This was really a day of reflection.
Then Logan opened her present and found a parcel filled with three presents. A basketball, a little teddy bear and a computer game.
"It's not so great like your grandfather's present, but I was lost. Absolutely no idea. Then I remembered that your basketball didn't survive your last game with Bling. The teddy bear simply reminded me of you and the computer game I found here at the airport. I never knew you could do other things with a computer than work. Thought maybe you'd like it."
"I do. Thank you, Max. And don't worry, you're not the one who should worry about my mobility. It was nice Grandpa did, though."
Max nodded and said, "It's just that I sometimes wish I'd know better what you like."
"I like you being my friend. Being here with me. So stop worrying."
Max tried to ignore the cute look he was giving her and suggested, "Before this is getting even more sentimental we should probably really go to sleep."
Logan nodded. She stood up and together they brought the last glasses to the kitchen and lit off the candles. They met again when Logan came off the bathroom and Max wanted to get in. "Sleep tight!"
"You too!"
When Logan stopped next to the bed and pulled the breaks he listened to the sounds in the bathroom but then he pushed all thoughts aside and hoisted himself to the bed. He put his glassed on the table next to him and switched off the light.
Max brushed her teeth and thought about Logan. He had looked so cute only in his boxer shorts and his T-shirt. She looked out of the window and was surprised. It had started to snow. White Christmas. Today everything was just a little too perfect.
On her way to her room she couldn't help and opened Logan's door. "It started to snow." she whispered.
Logan answered, "We can have a snow fight for breakfast."
"Yeah. Good night!"
Carefully not to wake up Logan's grandparents she closed the door and went to bed. She was still very moved from all she had seen and heard today and she wouldn't have been Lydecker's creation if she had slept soon. It took her quite some time to persuade her body to finally fall asleep.
Logan in contrast had fallen asleep almost immediately but woke up in the middle of the night. At first he didn't know why but then he heard something coming from Max' room. He wondered if his grandparents would hear it, too, but then he thought that their room was on the other end of the apartment. He made sure that the breaks of his wheelchair were on and moved himself back in the chair. Carefully not to make any noise he wheeled to Max' room and knocked carefully. She didn't answer and he opened the door. She was laying in her bed, crunched together like a fetus and was wet from cold sweat.
"Logan..." she whispered and he rolled close to wake her from her nightmare.
"Max, please wake up! It's just a nightmare."
And judging from her whispers, he was part of it.
He gently stroke her over her back and continued talking to her, "Max, please... Everything's fine. We're at my grandparent's, nobody here is going to hurt you. You've never in your life been to a safer place."
It took him some minutes, but then she finally woke up. At first she didn't seem to know where she was, but when she saw Logan she relaxed.
"Logan..."
She didn't say anymore and Logan wanted to know, "You okay?"
She nodded, "Yeah, just a nightmare. And a little headache. Sorry for waking you up."
"No problem. Go on sleeping!"
"Good night, Logan!"
"Sleep tight, Max. And dream of something nice."
She nodded again and was glad he didn't ask her about the dream. Seeing him wheel to the door she suddenly realized what was up with her.. Not just a normal headache.
"Logan!?" she said and made him turn around, but it was too late. She started shaking.
Immediately Logan was back at her bed. She was having one of her seizures and now flashbacks seemed to strike her, even worse than the nightmare. She was whispering something he couldn't understand. He suddenly realized that he didn't bring any tryptophan as he hadn't expected her to come. Logan took her bag that was placed on the desk. Luckily he found a bottle of pills and took some out. He stopped in front of the bed and tried to wake her from the nightmare she was going through.
"Max, please swallow those."
For a little moment she stopped whispering and opened her eyes.
"Logan!?"
"I'm here. Max, please swallow these", he asked again. She did and Logan was a little relieved. The seizures started to stop, but Max was still not really conscious.
"Logan, please don't... I'm sorry.... please don't leave me."
"I won't, Max, I'm right here."
"No, Logan, I'm sorry. Don't..."
He realized that she was having flashbacks of him. Maybe the nightmare from before had changed to a flashback? Maybe it hadn't even been a regular nightmare. But what was regular about nightmares anyway? She had told him that she usually had flashbacks of Manticore, but this time they seemed to be about him.
He continued stroking her back. "Max, it's okay! Relax, please relax."
He waited for the tryptophan to adjust her serotonin level and finally she came back. Seeing him in front of her bed seemed to make her face soften.
"Logan, you're still here.."
"Where else should I be? Your seizures better? I found the tryptophan in your bag."
"Thank you. Yeah, I'm better. Still cold though."
He took the blanket and pulled it up to her chin.
"Wait a minute, I'll get you a glass of hot milk."
She nodded and he wheeled himself to the kitchen. He poured some milk in a glass and heated it in the microwave. When he came back to Max, she was still shaking a little. He handed her the glass and she took it.
"Thank you, Logan!"
"Be careful. It's hot and you're still trembling." he warned her and laid a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. She was still breathing fast.
She drank the milk and laid back. "Sorry again for waking you up."
"No problem. Everything okay? You're feeling better?"
She nodded but this time Logan knew she was lying. He could see it in her eyes. Max was thankful that he had come and had given her the milk and the tryptophan, but she couldn't tell him. This flashback hadn't been about Manticore, it had been a version of the nightmare she had had before. It had all been about the day Logan was shot. She still felt responsible for what had happened that day when he had asked her to help him and she didn't care. Now that she cared it was too late. Logan was confined to the wheelchair and the last year had proven that she couldn't change that anymore. But she wondered why she had had this nightmare today and slowly there was a reason creeping into her mind, but too far away to catch it. Logan watched the weak little person in bed in front of him. Max wasn't someone to loose control easily and it still felt as if his heart was bleeding when he saw her having those seizures. He tried to cheer her up when saying, "Guess you didn't dream of Santa Claus coming down the chimney?"
"Not really." she answered and her breathing had changed to normal level again.
Max looked at Logan and had to smile. Without his glasses he was always looking like a younger version of himself. Okay, Eyes Only never wore glasses, but hey - Eyes Only was on holidays. And his eyes were much more intense without his glasses. So intense and so full of worry. Worry for her.
"Everything's okay, Logan, I'm doing better."
He smiled, "Promise?"
She nodded, cuddled herself in the blanket and closed her eyes - only to see the picture of Logan laying on the street. Her instincts made her rise again to not give this picture a chance and before she could notice anything else, Logan was again next to her bed.
"Promise, huh? I don't believe a word. I'll wait here until you're asleep."
God, he was so cute. Max nodded and smiled shyly. She noticed that he hadn't pulled his breaks and so she pulled the chair to get him closer to her bed. Trying this she touched his leg, not on purpose, but long enough to notice that it was cold. Logan smiled when he recognized what she had in mind but shook his head when she said, "You're so cold!"
"I'm fine. Don't bother."
"You're going to freeze and won't even notice. Your legs are so cold."
His legs? He laid his hands on his thighs only to learn that she was right.
"They will get warm when you're asleep and I'm back in my bed. I won't leave you now."
She looked at him and had no idea how to cope with his caring. He wouldn't leave before she was sleeping and till then he would have caught a cold or even worse.
She turned from her back to her side and said, "Okay, then come here!"
He looked surprised. What was she having in mind?
"Come here to me. We can sleep in one bed. It's fairly big enough and you won't catch a cold or something until I'm asleep."
Logan hesitated, but Max continued talking.
After a while he nodded, "Fine. Move over!"
Max smiled and moved to the wall. Logan turned his chair, pulled the breaks on and shifted to her bed. He pushed his legs under the blanket and laid down so that he looked her right into the face. Her heart started beating so loud that she thought he had to hear it. Had that been wise? She had never been so close to him.
Logan hesitated, too, but then he grinned, "How are we going to explain this to my grandparents?"
"We are grown-up. Just no explanations. Snow fight for breakfast, right?"
She smiled and put her arm around him. Carefully she pulled him a little closer and kissed him on the forehead.
"Thanks for taking care."
He looked deeply into her dark eyes and stroke a hair strand behind her ear.
"Want to tell me what your flashback was about?"
She shook her head: "Not now."
"Okay. Try to sleep then."
Max nodded and turned to her other side. Then she moved back until she felt Logan right behind her. He put one arm under her head and the other one around her. He couldn't believe it. He was laying in bed with this wonderful woman and she was cuddling close to him. As if he was the one to protect her and not vice versa. He damned his legs because he couldn't feel her there. Somehow he even felt ashamed because he knew they were touching each other there and he didn't notice. He breathed deeply and smelled her scent of shampoo, the perfume she had put on because it was Christmas and this special note that was just hers.
Max enjoyed laying in Logan's arms. His arms were strong and still could so well be used as a pillow. She was happy to be so close to him. It calmed and disturbed her altogether. Never had she felt so safe and still there was this little Lydecker in her head. Safety is an illusion, emotions are weakness.
When one of his legs had moved and pressed against her thigh she wordlessly took it and moved it, so that his legs touched her in almost the same way his upper body did.
For Logan it took some time to get used to the thought that his legs weren't bothering Max in the same way they bothered him and he smiled silently to himself. Somewhen during the last months he had fallen in love with Max, that was clear for him now. He didn't know when or how, but he knew how happy it made him to have her so close. Even though he was tired he realized that Max' T-shirt had moved up a little and he took his chance to put his hand on her naked belly. For a moment he could feel her muscles contract, then she relaxed again and seemed to enjoy it.
Thoughts about the man laying behind her were whirling through Max' mind. Logan, what are you doing? This makes me lose my concept. She didn't know where their relationship would go from here. But they hadn't solved this problem until now and they wouldn't solve it tonight. So she decided to simply enjoy Logan and with this thought she finally fell asleep.
It is so good to know that there are actually people reading this. Thanks for all the nice comments. And here is Chapter 5. Sorry for not updating the weekend. Enjoy it and let me know if you liked it. R.
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Chapter 5: Christmas Night
Max left the couch and set down in front of the Christmas tree.
Logan looked at her and said, "Thank you for coming, Max. That's been the best present I could have gotten. I was conscience-stricken because I left you in Seattle. You deserved better than spending Christmas on a bicycle."
"Thank you, Logan. Thank you for being my friend and showing me a real European Christmas, I like it a lot."
"Wait till tomorrow. My mothers godfather and his wife are going to come over for dinner, that's really going to be hard. They are real Europeans. Even though they are not as snooty as my other relatives, they are quite a mess."
Max smiled, "I guess I will survive it. I could still kick their ass."
Logan chuckled, "Better not try it. But it's so good that you're going to stay for another week, so I can show you around a little. We have to see the beautiful old city and go and..."
"...and pretend there isn't a world over the ocean where you can't simply hang out with your friends and enjoy yourself? Where there's always work to be done and downtroddens to be saved?"
Logan nodded, "Yeah. Left my computer at home. Eyes Only is out of business."
"Really?" she asked and when he nodded she still couldn't believe it. Logan and just holidays? But he continued smiling and reality sunk in.
"Logan, this is so cool."
He smiled even brighter and couldn't believe there was someone who was so happy that he was not Eyes Only right now. Most people he knew preferred him being Eyes Only, 'cause that was the guy who could help them. But not Max. He had to think about how they had gotten together. The genetically engineered superwoman and him, the guy on wheels. He cared about her, cared too much. They would never be more than friends, it was just too difficult.
Max looked at the tree and outside the window. Logan casted a reflection on the glass behind the tree and when she saw him in his deep thoughts, she turned around. His chin was placed on his hands, his elbows on his thigh. She had given so much to get to know what he was thinking, but he wouldn't tell her. She had found him thinking like this in front of his windows in Seattle more than once and he had always changed the subject. Even though they had become good friends, there were so many things unspoken between them. But Max wasn't the one to force him. There were so many things she hadn't told him either. And what would it change? She was happy enough to have a friend like Logan. Nothing else mattered.
Never in her life had she considered to be able to celebrate such a wonderful holiday. Last year Cindy and she had had a Christmas tree, too and they had exchanged presents, but there hadn't been a wheelchair in front of her. And the guy in the chair hadn't been part of her life.
She tried to tease Logan, "Earth to Logan! Somebody home?"
His look came back to her from where he had stared and he nodded, "Yeah, I'm back. Sorry."
"It's late, do you wanna go to sleep?"
"No, I'm not tired, I just want to enjoy the moment."
Max nodded, "This room is so friendly and it's such a loving atmosphere here. You are lucky to have a home like that."
"I know. Please be sure I know. I've never considered myself to be a lucky person. I've always had a family that loved me, good jobs with a good salary and enough friends that I never had the feeling to be really lonely and still I've not considered myself to be happy. But it's only since I know you that I feel lucky because I had such a wonderful childhood. I know now that my life has been easier than that of most other people."
Max thought about it and said, "I'm not the measurement here. What about all those other people who kept on living their easy lives? Those who didn't start some kind of Eyes Only and who weren't shot? Don't you think they are luckier than you?"
Logan took a deep breath and said slowly, "Yeah, that's the way it should be. But I've figured out that they are not. Those people don't know about the right values and about their priorities. The last year was a roller-coaster ride when it comes to moods and feelings. Being shot I first didn't think about it and just went on, but when it finally sunk in my brain that I'd never walk again it felt like the end of the world. Then I could walk again and I considered myself to be the luckiest person alive. You know what happened when it was taken away from me again. Maybe that was a fall even deeper than the one before. But looking back at it, it's been a good year over all, 'cause I met you. I will never forget the day you broke into my apartment."
Max smiled. "Me neither. -You're a thief? - Girl's gotta make a living. -Thank god. That's been the strangest thing ever."
They both laughed and Logan couldn't believe how relaxed Max was. He watched the beautiful woman sitting on the floor in front of him.
She answered his look with a request, "Logan, may I ask you a question?"
Now he was surprised. "Why do you ask?" "Because it's kind of personal."
"Ask. You can't be sure to get an answer but ask." he said.
After having waited for a little moment she said, "I'm here with you and your family and the longer I watch all this, the less I seem to know about you. I know that your parents died years ago and that you spent some time with your uncle Jonas and aunt Margot. But I don't get it. Your grandparents seem to love you so much more than your aunt and uncle. Why didn't you stay with them? I don't even know how old you were, when your parents died. It's making me mad. You seem to know everything about me and I know nothing about you."
He thought a little about it and answered, "But that was part of our quid pro quo, wasn't it? I find out about you."
"Yeah, but don't tell me our relationship is still based on that quid pro quo."
"No, I won't. It's just an explanation." He paused, then continued, looking out of the window, "My parents died when I was fourteen. They were killed when the plane that was supposed to bring them back home from their vacation was captured and brought to explosion. My aunt and uncle where the only one's who kept cool. Granny had a nervous breakdown, that's why I couldn't live with them. When she felt better and tried to organize that I could live with them Jonas had already made everything clear. But Granny was great and didn't tell me. She invented some weird reasons why I had to stay with Jonas and Margot and made me feel as if everything was okay. It was more than five years later -I was already on college- when she told me the truth."
"Aren't you angry at your uncle?"
"What do you think?" he snorted, "But when I learned about what had happened the time for justice had passed. What should I have done?"
"Nothing. There was nothing left that could have been done." She carefully asked, "Those terrorists that bombed the plane your parents were in, have they ever been captured?"
Logan nodded, "The first thing Eyes Only did."
"That's why you started it, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Took me a lot of years to actually change to the underground journalism but that's why I started it."
Max looked at him. Logan was always so cool but every now and then she recognized that there was a weak and hurt person living behind that mask. She smiled at him and he smiled back. For a moment nobody said anything.
Then Max wanted to get this Christmas feeling back that had been hidden behind those memories of Logan's and she asked, "May I open your present now? I think I can't wait till tomorrow."
His smile was so cute when he answered, "Sure, why not. But then I'm going to open yours too."
Max nodded and took the present he had laid under the tree for her. She opened the paper and found a little necklace. Very simple and beautiful. Her smile told Logan more than her "Thank you" that she liked it.
"You once told me you were open to the idea to wear jewelry."
She laughed and remembered exactly when she had said that to him. This was really a day of reflection.
Then Logan opened her present and found a parcel filled with three presents. A basketball, a little teddy bear and a computer game.
"It's not so great like your grandfather's present, but I was lost. Absolutely no idea. Then I remembered that your basketball didn't survive your last game with Bling. The teddy bear simply reminded me of you and the computer game I found here at the airport. I never knew you could do other things with a computer than work. Thought maybe you'd like it."
"I do. Thank you, Max. And don't worry, you're not the one who should worry about my mobility. It was nice Grandpa did, though."
Max nodded and said, "It's just that I sometimes wish I'd know better what you like."
"I like you being my friend. Being here with me. So stop worrying."
Max tried to ignore the cute look he was giving her and suggested, "Before this is getting even more sentimental we should probably really go to sleep."
Logan nodded. She stood up and together they brought the last glasses to the kitchen and lit off the candles. They met again when Logan came off the bathroom and Max wanted to get in. "Sleep tight!"
"You too!"
When Logan stopped next to the bed and pulled the breaks he listened to the sounds in the bathroom but then he pushed all thoughts aside and hoisted himself to the bed. He put his glassed on the table next to him and switched off the light.
Max brushed her teeth and thought about Logan. He had looked so cute only in his boxer shorts and his T-shirt. She looked out of the window and was surprised. It had started to snow. White Christmas. Today everything was just a little too perfect.
On her way to her room she couldn't help and opened Logan's door. "It started to snow." she whispered.
Logan answered, "We can have a snow fight for breakfast."
"Yeah. Good night!"
Carefully not to wake up Logan's grandparents she closed the door and went to bed. She was still very moved from all she had seen and heard today and she wouldn't have been Lydecker's creation if she had slept soon. It took her quite some time to persuade her body to finally fall asleep.
Logan in contrast had fallen asleep almost immediately but woke up in the middle of the night. At first he didn't know why but then he heard something coming from Max' room. He wondered if his grandparents would hear it, too, but then he thought that their room was on the other end of the apartment. He made sure that the breaks of his wheelchair were on and moved himself back in the chair. Carefully not to make any noise he wheeled to Max' room and knocked carefully. She didn't answer and he opened the door. She was laying in her bed, crunched together like a fetus and was wet from cold sweat.
"Logan..." she whispered and he rolled close to wake her from her nightmare.
"Max, please wake up! It's just a nightmare."
And judging from her whispers, he was part of it.
He gently stroke her over her back and continued talking to her, "Max, please... Everything's fine. We're at my grandparent's, nobody here is going to hurt you. You've never in your life been to a safer place."
It took him some minutes, but then she finally woke up. At first she didn't seem to know where she was, but when she saw Logan she relaxed.
"Logan..."
She didn't say anymore and Logan wanted to know, "You okay?"
She nodded, "Yeah, just a nightmare. And a little headache. Sorry for waking you up."
"No problem. Go on sleeping!"
"Good night, Logan!"
"Sleep tight, Max. And dream of something nice."
She nodded again and was glad he didn't ask her about the dream. Seeing him wheel to the door she suddenly realized what was up with her.. Not just a normal headache.
"Logan!?" she said and made him turn around, but it was too late. She started shaking.
Immediately Logan was back at her bed. She was having one of her seizures and now flashbacks seemed to strike her, even worse than the nightmare. She was whispering something he couldn't understand. He suddenly realized that he didn't bring any tryptophan as he hadn't expected her to come. Logan took her bag that was placed on the desk. Luckily he found a bottle of pills and took some out. He stopped in front of the bed and tried to wake her from the nightmare she was going through.
"Max, please swallow those."
For a little moment she stopped whispering and opened her eyes.
"Logan!?"
"I'm here. Max, please swallow these", he asked again. She did and Logan was a little relieved. The seizures started to stop, but Max was still not really conscious.
"Logan, please don't... I'm sorry.... please don't leave me."
"I won't, Max, I'm right here."
"No, Logan, I'm sorry. Don't..."
He realized that she was having flashbacks of him. Maybe the nightmare from before had changed to a flashback? Maybe it hadn't even been a regular nightmare. But what was regular about nightmares anyway? She had told him that she usually had flashbacks of Manticore, but this time they seemed to be about him.
He continued stroking her back. "Max, it's okay! Relax, please relax."
He waited for the tryptophan to adjust her serotonin level and finally she came back. Seeing him in front of her bed seemed to make her face soften.
"Logan, you're still here.."
"Where else should I be? Your seizures better? I found the tryptophan in your bag."
"Thank you. Yeah, I'm better. Still cold though."
He took the blanket and pulled it up to her chin.
"Wait a minute, I'll get you a glass of hot milk."
She nodded and he wheeled himself to the kitchen. He poured some milk in a glass and heated it in the microwave. When he came back to Max, she was still shaking a little. He handed her the glass and she took it.
"Thank you, Logan!"
"Be careful. It's hot and you're still trembling." he warned her and laid a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. She was still breathing fast.
She drank the milk and laid back. "Sorry again for waking you up."
"No problem. Everything okay? You're feeling better?"
She nodded but this time Logan knew she was lying. He could see it in her eyes. Max was thankful that he had come and had given her the milk and the tryptophan, but she couldn't tell him. This flashback hadn't been about Manticore, it had been a version of the nightmare she had had before. It had all been about the day Logan was shot. She still felt responsible for what had happened that day when he had asked her to help him and she didn't care. Now that she cared it was too late. Logan was confined to the wheelchair and the last year had proven that she couldn't change that anymore. But she wondered why she had had this nightmare today and slowly there was a reason creeping into her mind, but too far away to catch it. Logan watched the weak little person in bed in front of him. Max wasn't someone to loose control easily and it still felt as if his heart was bleeding when he saw her having those seizures. He tried to cheer her up when saying, "Guess you didn't dream of Santa Claus coming down the chimney?"
"Not really." she answered and her breathing had changed to normal level again.
Max looked at Logan and had to smile. Without his glasses he was always looking like a younger version of himself. Okay, Eyes Only never wore glasses, but hey - Eyes Only was on holidays. And his eyes were much more intense without his glasses. So intense and so full of worry. Worry for her.
"Everything's okay, Logan, I'm doing better."
He smiled, "Promise?"
She nodded, cuddled herself in the blanket and closed her eyes - only to see the picture of Logan laying on the street. Her instincts made her rise again to not give this picture a chance and before she could notice anything else, Logan was again next to her bed.
"Promise, huh? I don't believe a word. I'll wait here until you're asleep."
God, he was so cute. Max nodded and smiled shyly. She noticed that he hadn't pulled his breaks and so she pulled the chair to get him closer to her bed. Trying this she touched his leg, not on purpose, but long enough to notice that it was cold. Logan smiled when he recognized what she had in mind but shook his head when she said, "You're so cold!"
"I'm fine. Don't bother."
"You're going to freeze and won't even notice. Your legs are so cold."
His legs? He laid his hands on his thighs only to learn that she was right.
"They will get warm when you're asleep and I'm back in my bed. I won't leave you now."
She looked at him and had no idea how to cope with his caring. He wouldn't leave before she was sleeping and till then he would have caught a cold or even worse.
She turned from her back to her side and said, "Okay, then come here!"
He looked surprised. What was she having in mind?
"Come here to me. We can sleep in one bed. It's fairly big enough and you won't catch a cold or something until I'm asleep."
Logan hesitated, but Max continued talking.
After a while he nodded, "Fine. Move over!"
Max smiled and moved to the wall. Logan turned his chair, pulled the breaks on and shifted to her bed. He pushed his legs under the blanket and laid down so that he looked her right into the face. Her heart started beating so loud that she thought he had to hear it. Had that been wise? She had never been so close to him.
Logan hesitated, too, but then he grinned, "How are we going to explain this to my grandparents?"
"We are grown-up. Just no explanations. Snow fight for breakfast, right?"
She smiled and put her arm around him. Carefully she pulled him a little closer and kissed him on the forehead.
"Thanks for taking care."
He looked deeply into her dark eyes and stroke a hair strand behind her ear.
"Want to tell me what your flashback was about?"
She shook her head: "Not now."
"Okay. Try to sleep then."
Max nodded and turned to her other side. Then she moved back until she felt Logan right behind her. He put one arm under her head and the other one around her. He couldn't believe it. He was laying in bed with this wonderful woman and she was cuddling close to him. As if he was the one to protect her and not vice versa. He damned his legs because he couldn't feel her there. Somehow he even felt ashamed because he knew they were touching each other there and he didn't notice. He breathed deeply and smelled her scent of shampoo, the perfume she had put on because it was Christmas and this special note that was just hers.
Max enjoyed laying in Logan's arms. His arms were strong and still could so well be used as a pillow. She was happy to be so close to him. It calmed and disturbed her altogether. Never had she felt so safe and still there was this little Lydecker in her head. Safety is an illusion, emotions are weakness.
When one of his legs had moved and pressed against her thigh she wordlessly took it and moved it, so that his legs touched her in almost the same way his upper body did.
For Logan it took some time to get used to the thought that his legs weren't bothering Max in the same way they bothered him and he smiled silently to himself. Somewhen during the last months he had fallen in love with Max, that was clear for him now. He didn't know when or how, but he knew how happy it made him to have her so close. Even though he was tired he realized that Max' T-shirt had moved up a little and he took his chance to put his hand on her naked belly. For a moment he could feel her muscles contract, then she relaxed again and seemed to enjoy it.
Thoughts about the man laying behind her were whirling through Max' mind. Logan, what are you doing? This makes me lose my concept. She didn't know where their relationship would go from here. But they hadn't solved this problem until now and they wouldn't solve it tonight. So she decided to simply enjoy Logan and with this thought she finally fell asleep.