PART SEVEN: FORGET ABOUT IT, MOLTAR. IT'S CHINATOWN.

"Now we are in Chinatown."
"Thank you, Captain Plot Device," grumbled Norris.
"It's a pleasure," saluted Captain Plot Device. "My my, isn't this grand?" Everybody looked around them and saw Chinatown. It was very pretty and shiny but had a funny smell to it. Riddel began giggling uncontrollably.
"What is it, Lady Riddel?" asked Karsh.
"This town... hahaha!... has a funny... g'heeheehee... smell to it... gwa'hahaha!"
"It is not that funny," sighed Van. Mel rolled on the floor laughing.
"I don't think you should be rolling on the floor, Mel," said Korcha, scratching his head. "You don't know where it's been." He beat up Regis Philbin again and wandered off to catch a fish. Everyone forgot about Dr. Feelgood and Barbara (Ha! You thought I'd say it all, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?) and separated. Mojo suddenly went backwards and skewered his nail on something.
"Oh my gosh, you killed Aeris!" screamed Macha.

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 1: Sir Bucket Head vs. The Biker Quartet

Sir Bucket Head walked inside of a biker bar to use the phone. He put in a Gil and pressed the buttons for his secret sweetheart's cell phone (unbeknownst to Kid, Leena, Harle, and Gertrude the Magical Singing Cow, but knownst to us readers, Sir Bucket Head actually does have another girlfriend back at home!). He heard the phone ring twice before she picked it up.
"Hello? Sergey! Sergey-poo! I missed you, snookums!" The girl squealed out his name but paused. "What? Your name is Sir Bucket Head? How silly! Then I shall call you Sir Serge with a Bucket on His Brain, how about that? No?" Sir Bucket Head covered the phone and glared at the rude bikers that were making a ruckus in the bar.
"I say, Snake, that unfortunate chap over there is being quite rude," said a mean-looking biker. Snake, a man with a jillion tattoos, nodded his head and drank his imported wine.
"I quite agree with you there, Killjoy. He's disturbing our rousing game of televised cricket. I do so hate it when my cricket match is disturbed!"
"I cannot disagree, gentlemen," replied a biker with body piercing everywhere. "And I was so looking forward to the Philharmonic's presentation of Brahms' First Symphony, too. Well, we must teach him a lesson then, what?" The other two bikers nodded their heads fiercely. A fourth, a muscular man with more hair on his brow than his head, stopped them.
"Snake, Killjoy, I am surprised at your behavior. And Rhino, you should be ashamed of yourself! This lad here is merely trying to communicate with his secret sweetheart back home, and our din is getting in the way of things!"
"What do you suggest, Back-breaker?" asked Rhino. Back-breaker grinned evilly.
"We shall humiliate him in front of all these gentlemen," he suggested. The others liked this idea very much, gave a hoorah, and ganged up on Sir Bucket Head. He looked up from his phone sheepishly.
"Sorry, old chap, but we've come to... disconnect you," smiled Snake. The others laughed.
"Jolly good joke there, Snake! Jolly good indeed, what. Here, let's pry him away from this telephone and force him to do something silly!" The bikers grabbed Sir Bucket Head and put him on a table. He looked down at them anxiously.
"Dance!" they shouted. "Dance, dance! What? There's no music!" The bikers grumbled amongst themselves before finally deciding on a musical piece that Sir Bucket Head could dance to. Back-breaker dropped a quarter in a nearby jukebox, and it began playing Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers". Sir Bucket Head gulped. Suddenly the song ended and was replaced by the superior "Tequila", and Sir Bucket Head spent the next two minutes amusing the bikers.

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 2: Captain Plot Device vs. Goshzilla

Warning: in order to satisfy those of you who are "politically correct", we have replaced Godzilla with the PC version, Goshzilla. If you are still offended, go kiss a chicken.

Anyway, Goshzilla ran through Chinatown and started roaring and spewing fire. People ran away in terror. Captain Plot Device stuck his leg out and Goshzilla tripped on it and fell, squishing buildings, a few people, and a certain boy.
"Oh my gosh! You killed Ted!" screamed Macha. Captain Plot Device was instantly devoured by Goshzilla, and Doc finally found out who stole his cheesecake.

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 3: Turnip vs. Chinatown

"I shalt take-th over this town!" cried Turnip, brandishing his sword. He hopped over to the house where King of Chinatown lived. "King of Chinatown," said Turnip, "I shalt be taking-eth over thy city!"
"Oh no," said King of Chinatown, a look of fear on his face. "A demonic vegetable has come to invade us and take over the world! I am helpless before you, O mighty Turnip!" King of Chinatown bowed down and started to worship Turnip, and so Turnip became the new King of Chinatown. He leaped on his throne and ordered Old King of Chinatown to put a goldfish in his pants and dance around. Was there any hope for Chinatown?
"Stop right dere!!!!!!!" shouted Irenes dramatically, breaking the door of Old King of Chinatown's palace down. She pointed her finger and five cops aimed rifles at Turnip. "Herr Turnip, why did you take over Chinatown?"
"I knoweth not," he replied, shrugging. "I was bored." Irenes laughed and threw her lute at Turnip. It hit King of Chinatown's head and he made a funny sound. Turnip shouted to his guards. "Seize her!"
"Gladly," they swooned, halfway drooling as they ran towards Irenes. She kicked all forty-eight of the guards with her flipper and glided over their unconscious bodies, glaring at Turnip.
"Turnip, you got a lotta splainin' ta do!!"
"Waaaahhhhh!!!"

Adventures in Chinatown, Part 4: Starky vs. The Man

Turnip got thrown in jail for trying to take over Chinatown. Old King of Chinatown ordered Irenes locked up because she hurt his noggin, and everyone else because they were funny-looking. He finally arrested Starky for being an illegal alien, and Sergeant Peppor got his promotion at last.
"Not agaain," sighed Starky, shaking his head softly. Irenes cooed.
"Ohhh, we love you, herr Starky," she sang. "It ist not your fault. It ist Turnip's!"
"Sorr-y!" he replied, shaking his head.
"Hey guys, check this out!" sang Skelly, sliding through the prison bars. "I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm in prison! Now I'm free! I'm--"
"Shut up and steal the keys already!" growled Karsh. Skelly smiled and hopped over to where the keys were. They had been conveniently hung on a nail. Soon our heroes were free and Turnip was slapped around by Marcy a few times before being allowed to escape. Naturally, they left Janice behind.


"I feel-eth so ashamed," sighed Turnip sadly. Irenes smiled.
"Forget about it, herr Turnip. It ist Chinatown. We are a forgiving group, ja?"
"Boo!" Irenes sighed and wished that Mr. Owl were here. He briefly flew into the SUV but Norris blew his brains out.
"You killed Mr. Owl!" cried Radius. Norris shrugged. Pierre slammed the SUV into a wandering traveler.
"Oh my gosh! You killed Aeris!" screamed Macha.

Meanwhile...

"Oh, bite me again... ...ack, heehee, don't blow in my ears, they're very--HEY, PERVERT! GET OUT BEFORE I SHOVE THIS CARROT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!!!" Whoops, looks like I came at a bad time!


Meanwhile-meanwhile...

"Sergeant Peppor?"
"Y-yes, King of Chinatown?"
"No promotion for you!"
"N-noooooooooo!!!"

Meanwhile...

"Ohhh... oh yes, Leena doesn't know what she--HEY, WHAT DID I SAY BEFORE, BUSTER!?!?!" Whoops, not again! Why don't people tell me these things?

Meanwhile-meanwhile...

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!"
"Shut up, Skelly!" shouted Sprigg. He kept on singing.

Minutes later...

"One bottle of beer on the--" Hey, are you two ready yet? You are? You sure? Okay....

Meanwhile...

Janice fluffed up her ears, wagged her tail, and wiggled her nose.
"There! Am I presentable?" Sir Bucket Head grinned and she blushed furiously. "Oh, Sir Serge with a Bucket on His Brain, you say the sweetest things! I'm glad I got lost with you..." She gazed into his eyes lovingly, shamelessly flirting with him as they made their way out of Chinatown and back on the road, but first Sir Bucket Head had to say farewell to some biker friends.

Meanwhile-meanwhile...

"Where are we going?" asked Sneff.
"Nebwaska!" sang Pip.
"Why?"
"WWF Touhnament!"
"Oh. Killer." And they all went to Nebraska for a WWF Tournament. Pierre drove.