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This chapter was so hard to write. I totally re-wrote it and I'm still not quite happy with it. So please tell me what you think about it. I'm longing for reviews!!
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Chapter 7: Confessions
About the same time Logan got up to get something to drink from the fridge. In the kitchen he found Steven sitting at the table, reading a newspaper. "Hey. Not sleeping?"
"Logan, hey. No, I tried to but even counting sheep didn't help. I'm getting old and don't need so much sleep anymore," he smiled and while taking some juice out of the fridge Logan said, "I think I've still got a jet lag. Couldn't sleep either."
Turning to Steven he saw him folding his newspaper and leaning back in the chair. "Jet lag, huh?"
"Yeah!" Logan didn't get the joking tone in his grandfather's voice and starting pouring the juice in a glass.
"Logan, you're kidding me. What happened this afternoon?"
Logan looked up. What did he know? "This afternoon?"
"When you and Max came back for dinner there was a tension in the air, you could have cut it with a knife. So don't tell me you just went for a walk." The way Logan's cheeks blushed was enough answer for Steven.
"Max told me yesterday that you two were 'not like that' and I knew right away it could only be a matter of time, but I didn't know it would take only a day."
Logan sighed. He wasn't used to talk about his feelings. Bling had forced him sometimes after the accident but normally he would avoid topics like this one.
"Come on, let an old man give you some advice." Steven grinned.
Logan smiled, "You're not an old man. And I'm not used talking about such things."
"But you used to. When you were a kid you would climb in my lap and tell me..."
"Yeah, tell you about the big bad boy that took away my lollipop. This is a little different."
"That's exactly why you should tell me. If you'd have told me you were going to marry Valerie, a catastrophe might have been prevented." Steven told him, half joking, half serious.
Slowly Logan nodded. "Maybe you're right." He sipped from the glass and put it back on the table. "But it's so difficult. Everything concerning Max and me is so difficult. This afternoon we ran in a trap and had to kiss under a mistletoe."
Steven whistled and chuckled, "That's nice."
Logan ignored him and continued, "And later we had a snow fight. I fell out of the chair and when Max came to have a look if everything was right we kissed again. But that's it. Nothing more. There are still all these things unspoken and I don't know if one of us will ever be brave enough to start talking."
"What's so hard you can't speak about it? Do you love her?" Logan watched his hands in his lap, touching his thighs and again just being able to feel the fabric of his boxers under them. Then he looked up and answered the question. "I've thought about this so often. And finally the answer is yes. Yes, I love her. More than anything before."
Steven nodded. He had expected an answer like that. "And the things you need to talk to her about, are they more important, weighing heavier than your love?"
"Not for me. Nothing is more important than loving her. But what if she doesn't have the same feelings and if for her what I have to tell her weighs heavier than being loved by me? I'm not the Yale student anymore, I don't have dates every evening and know that the girls adore me. This time it's different. I'm the one in love and maybe this time it will be me who will be kicked in the ass." Logan felt embarrassed and avoided Steven's look. It wasn't easy to admit his fears.
But Steven smiled assuring. "Could it be you need new glasses? Don't you see? Max will never kick your ass. I don't know what it is you have to tell her and maybe it's better if I don't know, but I'm sure just to know that you love her will make her be able to cope with it no matter what it is."
But Logan's fear was still there. Unconscious he stared at his legs and finally admitted, not looking up, "I always think she deserves someone better than me."
Steven felt the need to take Logan to his arms, hug him and tell him everything would be okay, but he knew it wouldn't be right.
"Whom she deserves is somebody who loves her. I had the same feelings when I met your grandmother. I didn't feel worthy, because she was the girl who just had everything. Her parents were rich, she had the best grades in school, was pretty and obviously going to be homecoming queen. And I used to be the daydream believer. Do you know the song? I still think it was written for us. My parents just had enough to survive. It took me some time to ask her for a date, but when we got to know each other it all didn't matter. All the differences weren't important anymore - we were soulmates. And still are."
Logan smiled. Soulmates. Steven saw him hesitate and asked, "Do you know what it feels like? To have found your soulmate? To know exactly what the other one's thinking? To.."
"..share the same dreams?" Logan finished.
"You don't need to be soulmates to have the same dreams of a family, a nice house.."
"No, I didn't mean those dreams. Dreams you have at night. To have the same dream at the same time."
Steven wanted to say something like 'this never happens' but then he recognized Logan wasn't hypothetic. "You and Max had that?"
"Yeah. When she was transfusing me. We both shared a dream in which we were dancing."
Steven shook his head, "And you think Max doesn't deserve you? You were made for her. You were made for each other."
Logan's fear had suddenly disappeared and he smiled. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should talk to her."
"You better do so soon. No need to waste anymore time."
"I'm going to wake her up. Right now." Logan was overexcited.
"No need to do that. She's in the living room. I think she couldn't sleep either", Steven smiled.
Logan was already out of the door when he turned around, "Thanks." Steven just waved his hand and told him to go.
Max heard some noises but her inner being had decided it couldn't be a danger and didn't react. When she heard a CD being put in the CD Player and soft music began to play, she turned around. "Logan?"
"Hey, Max!"
She had been thinking about him all the time. Thinking about what had happened this afternoon and last night. She didn't know if it was real and - much more important - if she wanted it to be real. Did she want to change her friendship for this? She hadn't been sure about the answer. The kisses had been wonderful, but what about Eyes Only and their quid pro quo? Even though their friendship wasn't built on it any more, they still had a business relationship, too.
Suddenly the picture from her nightmare came up in her head. Logan, almost dead, laying in the street in the middle of Seattle. She wished it had never happened. But it had and now she was doing the exact opposite of what her little Lydecker tried to remind her of. She wasn't supposed to get involved, to get so close to somebody that she'd suffer if she lost him, but she hadn't been careful with Logan. Just thinking about losing him made her go mad and that in this world, where everything was just perfect. She couldn't just run away any longer, she had proved it once when she had returned because she found out Logan was ill and now he had become the main element of her life. As essential as the air she was breathing or the food she was eating. She wouldn't run away any longer, she would stay. Stay with Logan. Zack was right, it was a weakness, but on the other hand she felt as if it was going to make her stronger than she'd ever imagined.
She loved him. Loved him more than she'd ever imagined to be able to. But what was the conclusion to draw from that? Both couldn't afford a relationship, it was too dangerous for them. But nobody had asked her before and now it was too late. She wanted to know what Logan was thinking about all this, if he had meant the kiss to be real and she was scared of what he might answer. He'd break her heart if it wasn't real. And now he had come to her, had glided out of his chair and was sitting next to her, leaning against the couch and watching the candles.
"Couldn't sleep?" she asked to break the silence.
He nodded, "Yeah. You neither?"
She nodded, too and he continued, not being able to look her in the eyes. "Max, I need to tell you something."
She was surprised. "Anything. Don't you know that?"
"This is very personal. If you're not in the mood, maybe I should tell you sometime else."
"No, it's fine Logan. Just spill it."
He breathed deeply and said, "At first I want to thank you. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for caring and thank you for not treating my like a puppy that needs to be carried around. Being around you makes me feel independent and still I know that you'll always be there to help me."
"Logan..."
"Please, let me go on. I don't know if I'll be brave enough otherwise."
She nodded. "Okay."
"You are what keeps me going. You're the reason why I get up in the morning. You're like the sunshine that lights up my otherwise sad little life. And I ..." he hesitated. " ...I love you for that. Love you for making me feel that you care about me. You know, me, not some paralyzed guy in a wheelchair. I don't know if I'm right, maybe that's not the way you want me to feel, but I can't change it anymore. And I don't want to change it. I dreamt of kissing you again since this time in the car, in front of the cabin. Today it felt so different. No need to say goodbye. It's more a hello to a life we could share."
Uncertain he looked at her and asked, "Too much? Are you going to run again?"
She smiled at what he had said. Smiled and started to cry.
"Max, please, don't cry. If this is.."
She placed a finger on his mouth, "Shut up, Logan. It's fine. I promise I won't run. I spent the whole evening thinking about us and what happened this afternoon. What I have been taught about emotions in my childhood and how good it feels to actually ignore it all. I wanted to ask you if what I felt when you kissed me was real. If you wanted it to be real or if we were supposed to go on pretending as if nothing happened. And then you come here and tell me what you just did and that just makes me cry. I love you too, Logan. I'm just so happy. And of course you have been right. I love you for the person you are. I don't care about wheelchairs or paraplegia. I don't know why it's never been an issue, but I just love you, Logan Cale."
She looked deep into his eyes and he thought that he had never in his life felt better.
But there was this other thing he had to tell her.
"Max, before this is going to be real, you need to know something." He blushed and promised to himself that he was going to finish this without running away. "It wouldn't be fair to make you think everything's fine if it just isn't."
Max was confused and concerned, "What is it?"
"Well, paraplegia is not just about walking...."
She knew he was talking about something that meant very much to him, but she didn't get it. As it was obvious that she didn't understand, he had to be more explicit.
"It's not only my legs that won't do what I want them to. There's this one other thing that's important for a relationship. For a real relationship."
Slowly the fog lightened. "Oh. You're talking about.."
Looking at his face blushed from embarrassment she didn't continue. They had never talked about his medical condition. Not about his legs, his feelings going hand in hand with it and especially not this. His red cheeks told her that he would have preferred the earth to form a hole and let him disappear than to have to tell her what he just did. She couldn't help but smile. He was so cute.
She messed his hair a little and said honestly, looking straight into his eyes, "I don't care, Logan. I really don't care."
At first he couldn't believe what she was saying but her eyes told him she wasn't lying. When he tucked a curl behind her ear she saw his eyes getting wet.
"You did not really think I would stop what we just started because of that, didn't you?"
He didn't answer but his expression was so full of emotion that she answered it for herself.
"You actually did." She stated as a matter of fact.
"Yeah, maybe I did" he repeated, still fighting the tears and caressing her hair.
Max smiled a little and said, "But I've got to warn you, too. With my screwed up genetics I'm not easy anyway. What about seizures, heat cycles and my siblings? What about those guys that are after me and put both our lives in danger?"
Logan didn't say anything but instead pulled her close and kissed her. Then her whispered in her ear, "I don't care. And you know that. It's never been about you being an X5."
"And it's never been about your disability. So this is real?"
"Definitely." He answered and his smile spread when she kissed him.
When she leaned her head against his shoulder he laid his arm around her and held her tight. Together they sat silently in front of the tree, both feeling so relaxed, freed from burdens they had been carrying around for months. Logan played with Max's hair and when she looked at him, she smiled. "You look so satisfied."
He kissed her on the top of her head, "I am." Lost in his thoughts he continued, "I've wished this moment to come for months. When I was able to walk again I thought it would be possible for you to fall in love with me, but before it could happen I ended up back in the chair. I really thought that my chance had passed. I never imagined you could love a cripple like me."
She interrupted him with a soft voice, "I will never forget these days. The one you stood up and the one you really considered.. you know... You are no cripple, Logan. I already told you that day that you have never not been whole and complete to me. But you still don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know..." he not really gave an answer, but Max wanted to clear this once for all times.
"Logan, will you stop thinking of yourself as somebody who's not worth the best things in life. I love you just the way you are. Okay, there are millions of men running around on this planet with their legs working perfectly well, but none of them is Logan Cale. None of them my favorite straight forward superhero. The most altruistic man I ever got to know."
Stroking his back she continued, "I know that you will never forget the day you were shot and be sure I'm more than sorry that I wasn't there to protect you, but I want you to accept that I don't care if you're up on your feet or wheeling around. For me it's just important that you're there."
Even though she didn't really say it, he had heard something more. -More than sorry?- "You feel guilty because of it?"
She nodded slowly, feeling a little embarrassed to tell him. "Guess what yesterday's nightmare was about?!" she stated sarcastically and Logan felt as if he was loosing ground.
"Max, please, don't."
"Don't do what? Feel guilty? You have to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair on my account."
"On your account? Come on, you know that's not true. If we figured out right it was Bruno Anselmo pulling the trigger. He should feel guilty and we both know he didn't. Don't take his place, okay?" Max nodded slowly and all of a sudden a thought came into Logan's mind that made him feel unsure, "But this isn't all about pity, is it?"
Max face relaxed and turned to a smile. A true smile. She knew how much Logan hated pity. "No chance, man. This isn't about pity, this is all about love."
She cuddled closer to him when he hugged her and kissed him. He answered her kiss and said, "Maybe we shouldn't both bother that much."
"We should both accept that the other one's right."
"Yeah. You're no freak and I'm no cripple. Quite a pair, though!"
She laughed a little and saw he had closed his eyes. When a tear ran down his face she was surprised, as she had never seen Logan cry, but then she realized what this all had to mean for him. She was living with the thought of being some engineered being for all her life and had gotten used to it, but it was only a year ago that Logan's life had not been changed by the accident. He had never cried in front of her, not even when she almost turned insane because of all the worries about him. For him it had been likelier to kill himself than to let all his frustration and anger out. But maybe that was over now. Maybe he'd now share it with her.
She didn't know what to do and so she just moved to his lap and took him in her arms like a little baby. He pressed his face to her shoulder and really started to cry. She held him tight with one arm and used the other hand to stroke over his back. Maybe this action now was about pity, but Mr. Eyes Only himself had just turned into a week bundle of sadness. How couldn't she be sorry for him?
She held him tight until the sobbing stopped and kissed him on his forehead.
"You wanna talk about it?"
He didn't answer at first, then said, "I hate it so much, Max. I hate what this day has done to my life. I hate the way it has changed it. Normally I try to see the positive aspect of it, that you wouldn't have come back if it hadn't happened, but I can't do that all the time. Bling once told me to scream a little and I couldn't understand what good for, but maybe he was right. Maybe I'm going to explode."
"So scream, if you want to. Or cry if you prefer not to wake your grandparents. I don't know what I can do, but I promise I'll be here, no matter how long it takes."
Tears kept pouring from his eyes and made Max feel so helpless.
"Sometimes I wonder if I will ever leave the chair again. When I can't believe Bling and his mind over matters talk. Sometimes it sounds all so stupid and senseless. Oh Max, I hate it so much." He relaxed a little in her arms and continued after a short break, "I could never understand how people can accept not being able to walk, but today I got an idea. I love you even more than I hate it and now that we've been honest, maybe it's gonna be okay."
She felt honored when he had said it and kissed his forehead again.
"Promise me, that this is real." he said.
She answered, "I promise." She wept away his tears. "I'm sure it will be okay. I love you."
"So do I. I'm sorry, Max."
"What for? There's nothing to be sorry for."
He nodded and pulled Max backwards, so that her back was leaning against his chest. She smiled and cuddled close. When Logan placed a kiss right on her barcode it made her shiver. "Strange feeling." she whispered and Logan whispered back. "What do you think knowing that you sit on my legs and not being able to sense it feels like? Strange feeling, too."
"Your legs are just your legs, Logan, nothing to be ashamed of."
"I know."
"And still it feels strange when you kiss my barcode. It's a sensitive spot I guess. But I like it."
"Yeah?" asked Logan and kissed her neck again. It still made her shiver and she giggled.
"Yeah!"
"Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?" he asked and when she turned around and smiled he knew the answer.
Laying together in his bed Max needed to know something. "Logan?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you come to the living room?"
He chuckled, "I had a nice conversation with Steven. That cleared a lot of the things that were turning in my head."
Max moved even closer to him and said, "We have to thank him."
"Yeah, we have to."
A/N: So, did you like it? Please let me know, I'm so unsure about it. Use the little button or e-mail me at rajana@gmx.de. I really need it!
This chapter was so hard to write. I totally re-wrote it and I'm still not quite happy with it. So please tell me what you think about it. I'm longing for reviews!!
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Chapter 7: Confessions
About the same time Logan got up to get something to drink from the fridge. In the kitchen he found Steven sitting at the table, reading a newspaper. "Hey. Not sleeping?"
"Logan, hey. No, I tried to but even counting sheep didn't help. I'm getting old and don't need so much sleep anymore," he smiled and while taking some juice out of the fridge Logan said, "I think I've still got a jet lag. Couldn't sleep either."
Turning to Steven he saw him folding his newspaper and leaning back in the chair. "Jet lag, huh?"
"Yeah!" Logan didn't get the joking tone in his grandfather's voice and starting pouring the juice in a glass.
"Logan, you're kidding me. What happened this afternoon?"
Logan looked up. What did he know? "This afternoon?"
"When you and Max came back for dinner there was a tension in the air, you could have cut it with a knife. So don't tell me you just went for a walk." The way Logan's cheeks blushed was enough answer for Steven.
"Max told me yesterday that you two were 'not like that' and I knew right away it could only be a matter of time, but I didn't know it would take only a day."
Logan sighed. He wasn't used to talk about his feelings. Bling had forced him sometimes after the accident but normally he would avoid topics like this one.
"Come on, let an old man give you some advice." Steven grinned.
Logan smiled, "You're not an old man. And I'm not used talking about such things."
"But you used to. When you were a kid you would climb in my lap and tell me..."
"Yeah, tell you about the big bad boy that took away my lollipop. This is a little different."
"That's exactly why you should tell me. If you'd have told me you were going to marry Valerie, a catastrophe might have been prevented." Steven told him, half joking, half serious.
Slowly Logan nodded. "Maybe you're right." He sipped from the glass and put it back on the table. "But it's so difficult. Everything concerning Max and me is so difficult. This afternoon we ran in a trap and had to kiss under a mistletoe."
Steven whistled and chuckled, "That's nice."
Logan ignored him and continued, "And later we had a snow fight. I fell out of the chair and when Max came to have a look if everything was right we kissed again. But that's it. Nothing more. There are still all these things unspoken and I don't know if one of us will ever be brave enough to start talking."
"What's so hard you can't speak about it? Do you love her?" Logan watched his hands in his lap, touching his thighs and again just being able to feel the fabric of his boxers under them. Then he looked up and answered the question. "I've thought about this so often. And finally the answer is yes. Yes, I love her. More than anything before."
Steven nodded. He had expected an answer like that. "And the things you need to talk to her about, are they more important, weighing heavier than your love?"
"Not for me. Nothing is more important than loving her. But what if she doesn't have the same feelings and if for her what I have to tell her weighs heavier than being loved by me? I'm not the Yale student anymore, I don't have dates every evening and know that the girls adore me. This time it's different. I'm the one in love and maybe this time it will be me who will be kicked in the ass." Logan felt embarrassed and avoided Steven's look. It wasn't easy to admit his fears.
But Steven smiled assuring. "Could it be you need new glasses? Don't you see? Max will never kick your ass. I don't know what it is you have to tell her and maybe it's better if I don't know, but I'm sure just to know that you love her will make her be able to cope with it no matter what it is."
But Logan's fear was still there. Unconscious he stared at his legs and finally admitted, not looking up, "I always think she deserves someone better than me."
Steven felt the need to take Logan to his arms, hug him and tell him everything would be okay, but he knew it wouldn't be right.
"Whom she deserves is somebody who loves her. I had the same feelings when I met your grandmother. I didn't feel worthy, because she was the girl who just had everything. Her parents were rich, she had the best grades in school, was pretty and obviously going to be homecoming queen. And I used to be the daydream believer. Do you know the song? I still think it was written for us. My parents just had enough to survive. It took me some time to ask her for a date, but when we got to know each other it all didn't matter. All the differences weren't important anymore - we were soulmates. And still are."
Logan smiled. Soulmates. Steven saw him hesitate and asked, "Do you know what it feels like? To have found your soulmate? To know exactly what the other one's thinking? To.."
"..share the same dreams?" Logan finished.
"You don't need to be soulmates to have the same dreams of a family, a nice house.."
"No, I didn't mean those dreams. Dreams you have at night. To have the same dream at the same time."
Steven wanted to say something like 'this never happens' but then he recognized Logan wasn't hypothetic. "You and Max had that?"
"Yeah. When she was transfusing me. We both shared a dream in which we were dancing."
Steven shook his head, "And you think Max doesn't deserve you? You were made for her. You were made for each other."
Logan's fear had suddenly disappeared and he smiled. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should talk to her."
"You better do so soon. No need to waste anymore time."
"I'm going to wake her up. Right now." Logan was overexcited.
"No need to do that. She's in the living room. I think she couldn't sleep either", Steven smiled.
Logan was already out of the door when he turned around, "Thanks." Steven just waved his hand and told him to go.
Max heard some noises but her inner being had decided it couldn't be a danger and didn't react. When she heard a CD being put in the CD Player and soft music began to play, she turned around. "Logan?"
"Hey, Max!"
She had been thinking about him all the time. Thinking about what had happened this afternoon and last night. She didn't know if it was real and - much more important - if she wanted it to be real. Did she want to change her friendship for this? She hadn't been sure about the answer. The kisses had been wonderful, but what about Eyes Only and their quid pro quo? Even though their friendship wasn't built on it any more, they still had a business relationship, too.
Suddenly the picture from her nightmare came up in her head. Logan, almost dead, laying in the street in the middle of Seattle. She wished it had never happened. But it had and now she was doing the exact opposite of what her little Lydecker tried to remind her of. She wasn't supposed to get involved, to get so close to somebody that she'd suffer if she lost him, but she hadn't been careful with Logan. Just thinking about losing him made her go mad and that in this world, where everything was just perfect. She couldn't just run away any longer, she had proved it once when she had returned because she found out Logan was ill and now he had become the main element of her life. As essential as the air she was breathing or the food she was eating. She wouldn't run away any longer, she would stay. Stay with Logan. Zack was right, it was a weakness, but on the other hand she felt as if it was going to make her stronger than she'd ever imagined.
She loved him. Loved him more than she'd ever imagined to be able to. But what was the conclusion to draw from that? Both couldn't afford a relationship, it was too dangerous for them. But nobody had asked her before and now it was too late. She wanted to know what Logan was thinking about all this, if he had meant the kiss to be real and she was scared of what he might answer. He'd break her heart if it wasn't real. And now he had come to her, had glided out of his chair and was sitting next to her, leaning against the couch and watching the candles.
"Couldn't sleep?" she asked to break the silence.
He nodded, "Yeah. You neither?"
She nodded, too and he continued, not being able to look her in the eyes. "Max, I need to tell you something."
She was surprised. "Anything. Don't you know that?"
"This is very personal. If you're not in the mood, maybe I should tell you sometime else."
"No, it's fine Logan. Just spill it."
He breathed deeply and said, "At first I want to thank you. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for caring and thank you for not treating my like a puppy that needs to be carried around. Being around you makes me feel independent and still I know that you'll always be there to help me."
"Logan..."
"Please, let me go on. I don't know if I'll be brave enough otherwise."
She nodded. "Okay."
"You are what keeps me going. You're the reason why I get up in the morning. You're like the sunshine that lights up my otherwise sad little life. And I ..." he hesitated. " ...I love you for that. Love you for making me feel that you care about me. You know, me, not some paralyzed guy in a wheelchair. I don't know if I'm right, maybe that's not the way you want me to feel, but I can't change it anymore. And I don't want to change it. I dreamt of kissing you again since this time in the car, in front of the cabin. Today it felt so different. No need to say goodbye. It's more a hello to a life we could share."
Uncertain he looked at her and asked, "Too much? Are you going to run again?"
She smiled at what he had said. Smiled and started to cry.
"Max, please, don't cry. If this is.."
She placed a finger on his mouth, "Shut up, Logan. It's fine. I promise I won't run. I spent the whole evening thinking about us and what happened this afternoon. What I have been taught about emotions in my childhood and how good it feels to actually ignore it all. I wanted to ask you if what I felt when you kissed me was real. If you wanted it to be real or if we were supposed to go on pretending as if nothing happened. And then you come here and tell me what you just did and that just makes me cry. I love you too, Logan. I'm just so happy. And of course you have been right. I love you for the person you are. I don't care about wheelchairs or paraplegia. I don't know why it's never been an issue, but I just love you, Logan Cale."
She looked deep into his eyes and he thought that he had never in his life felt better.
But there was this other thing he had to tell her.
"Max, before this is going to be real, you need to know something." He blushed and promised to himself that he was going to finish this without running away. "It wouldn't be fair to make you think everything's fine if it just isn't."
Max was confused and concerned, "What is it?"
"Well, paraplegia is not just about walking...."
She knew he was talking about something that meant very much to him, but she didn't get it. As it was obvious that she didn't understand, he had to be more explicit.
"It's not only my legs that won't do what I want them to. There's this one other thing that's important for a relationship. For a real relationship."
Slowly the fog lightened. "Oh. You're talking about.."
Looking at his face blushed from embarrassment she didn't continue. They had never talked about his medical condition. Not about his legs, his feelings going hand in hand with it and especially not this. His red cheeks told her that he would have preferred the earth to form a hole and let him disappear than to have to tell her what he just did. She couldn't help but smile. He was so cute.
She messed his hair a little and said honestly, looking straight into his eyes, "I don't care, Logan. I really don't care."
At first he couldn't believe what she was saying but her eyes told him she wasn't lying. When he tucked a curl behind her ear she saw his eyes getting wet.
"You did not really think I would stop what we just started because of that, didn't you?"
He didn't answer but his expression was so full of emotion that she answered it for herself.
"You actually did." She stated as a matter of fact.
"Yeah, maybe I did" he repeated, still fighting the tears and caressing her hair.
Max smiled a little and said, "But I've got to warn you, too. With my screwed up genetics I'm not easy anyway. What about seizures, heat cycles and my siblings? What about those guys that are after me and put both our lives in danger?"
Logan didn't say anything but instead pulled her close and kissed her. Then her whispered in her ear, "I don't care. And you know that. It's never been about you being an X5."
"And it's never been about your disability. So this is real?"
"Definitely." He answered and his smile spread when she kissed him.
When she leaned her head against his shoulder he laid his arm around her and held her tight. Together they sat silently in front of the tree, both feeling so relaxed, freed from burdens they had been carrying around for months. Logan played with Max's hair and when she looked at him, she smiled. "You look so satisfied."
He kissed her on the top of her head, "I am." Lost in his thoughts he continued, "I've wished this moment to come for months. When I was able to walk again I thought it would be possible for you to fall in love with me, but before it could happen I ended up back in the chair. I really thought that my chance had passed. I never imagined you could love a cripple like me."
She interrupted him with a soft voice, "I will never forget these days. The one you stood up and the one you really considered.. you know... You are no cripple, Logan. I already told you that day that you have never not been whole and complete to me. But you still don't believe me, do you?"
"I don't know..." he not really gave an answer, but Max wanted to clear this once for all times.
"Logan, will you stop thinking of yourself as somebody who's not worth the best things in life. I love you just the way you are. Okay, there are millions of men running around on this planet with their legs working perfectly well, but none of them is Logan Cale. None of them my favorite straight forward superhero. The most altruistic man I ever got to know."
Stroking his back she continued, "I know that you will never forget the day you were shot and be sure I'm more than sorry that I wasn't there to protect you, but I want you to accept that I don't care if you're up on your feet or wheeling around. For me it's just important that you're there."
Even though she didn't really say it, he had heard something more. -More than sorry?- "You feel guilty because of it?"
She nodded slowly, feeling a little embarrassed to tell him. "Guess what yesterday's nightmare was about?!" she stated sarcastically and Logan felt as if he was loosing ground.
"Max, please, don't."
"Don't do what? Feel guilty? You have to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair on my account."
"On your account? Come on, you know that's not true. If we figured out right it was Bruno Anselmo pulling the trigger. He should feel guilty and we both know he didn't. Don't take his place, okay?" Max nodded slowly and all of a sudden a thought came into Logan's mind that made him feel unsure, "But this isn't all about pity, is it?"
Max face relaxed and turned to a smile. A true smile. She knew how much Logan hated pity. "No chance, man. This isn't about pity, this is all about love."
She cuddled closer to him when he hugged her and kissed him. He answered her kiss and said, "Maybe we shouldn't both bother that much."
"We should both accept that the other one's right."
"Yeah. You're no freak and I'm no cripple. Quite a pair, though!"
She laughed a little and saw he had closed his eyes. When a tear ran down his face she was surprised, as she had never seen Logan cry, but then she realized what this all had to mean for him. She was living with the thought of being some engineered being for all her life and had gotten used to it, but it was only a year ago that Logan's life had not been changed by the accident. He had never cried in front of her, not even when she almost turned insane because of all the worries about him. For him it had been likelier to kill himself than to let all his frustration and anger out. But maybe that was over now. Maybe he'd now share it with her.
She didn't know what to do and so she just moved to his lap and took him in her arms like a little baby. He pressed his face to her shoulder and really started to cry. She held him tight with one arm and used the other hand to stroke over his back. Maybe this action now was about pity, but Mr. Eyes Only himself had just turned into a week bundle of sadness. How couldn't she be sorry for him?
She held him tight until the sobbing stopped and kissed him on his forehead.
"You wanna talk about it?"
He didn't answer at first, then said, "I hate it so much, Max. I hate what this day has done to my life. I hate the way it has changed it. Normally I try to see the positive aspect of it, that you wouldn't have come back if it hadn't happened, but I can't do that all the time. Bling once told me to scream a little and I couldn't understand what good for, but maybe he was right. Maybe I'm going to explode."
"So scream, if you want to. Or cry if you prefer not to wake your grandparents. I don't know what I can do, but I promise I'll be here, no matter how long it takes."
Tears kept pouring from his eyes and made Max feel so helpless.
"Sometimes I wonder if I will ever leave the chair again. When I can't believe Bling and his mind over matters talk. Sometimes it sounds all so stupid and senseless. Oh Max, I hate it so much." He relaxed a little in her arms and continued after a short break, "I could never understand how people can accept not being able to walk, but today I got an idea. I love you even more than I hate it and now that we've been honest, maybe it's gonna be okay."
She felt honored when he had said it and kissed his forehead again.
"Promise me, that this is real." he said.
She answered, "I promise." She wept away his tears. "I'm sure it will be okay. I love you."
"So do I. I'm sorry, Max."
"What for? There's nothing to be sorry for."
He nodded and pulled Max backwards, so that her back was leaning against his chest. She smiled and cuddled close. When Logan placed a kiss right on her barcode it made her shiver. "Strange feeling." she whispered and Logan whispered back. "What do you think knowing that you sit on my legs and not being able to sense it feels like? Strange feeling, too."
"Your legs are just your legs, Logan, nothing to be ashamed of."
"I know."
"And still it feels strange when you kiss my barcode. It's a sensitive spot I guess. But I like it."
"Yeah?" asked Logan and kissed her neck again. It still made her shiver and she giggled.
"Yeah!"
"Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?" he asked and when she turned around and smiled he knew the answer.
Laying together in his bed Max needed to know something. "Logan?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you come to the living room?"
He chuckled, "I had a nice conversation with Steven. That cleared a lot of the things that were turning in my head."
Max moved even closer to him and said, "We have to thank him."
"Yeah, we have to."
A/N: So, did you like it? Please let me know, I'm so unsure about it. Use the little button or e-mail me at rajana@gmx.de. I really need it!