Chrono Cross Road Trip

by Al Kristopher

What happens when you take everything wholesome, sacred, and good about Chrono Cross and dash it on the rocks of hilarity? The funniest--if not weirdest--road trip! Rated PG for overly-excessive comic violence and subtle sexual innuendo.

9. All Sorts of Weird Stuff--With Mr. Bill!

"Are we there yet?" asked Mel.
"We're heading somewhere," said Van. "Where are we going?"
"To the bathroom, I hope," mumbled Karsh.
"Hey guys!" pointed Leena. "Look! We're coming across a big park!" Sure enough, the Chrono Cross gang was coming across a park--Yellowstone National Park, to be exact.
"We made it!" said Orcha. Macha glared at him.
"Hey, are you sayin' that I ain't a great driver?" Orcha shook his head and Macha entered the park. Ranger Smith stopped them and gave them a passport (he didn't see Starky), and soon the gang would be going on another wacky adventure!

PART NINE: ALL SORTS OF WEIRD STUFF -- WITH MR. BILL!

Adventures in Yellowstone, contention one: Picnic Basket Thieves

Mel snuck up to a table and stole a picnic basket. Then she stole another. Then she stole another. Mel stole a picnic basket.
"Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha. Mel stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets," said Orcha.
As she ran away, Mel accidentally bumped into Yogi bear, who had also been stealing picnic baskets.
"Hay-hay-hay, what have we here today?" asked Yogi. "Another pic-i-nic basket thief?"
"A bear!" squealed Mel. She gave Yogi a big hug and kissed Boo-Boo on the nose. "I'm stealing picnic baskets!"
"Me too!" exclaimed Yogi.
"Gosh, Yogi," said Boo-Boo, "the ranger's not gonna like this!"
"Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith. Yogi stole a picnic basket. "Stop stealing the picnic baskets!" said Ranger Smith.

Yogi and Boo-Boo ran away as fast as they could. Ranger Smith caught Mel and made her return all the picnic baskets. Elsewhere, Orcha caught Yogi and Boo-Boo and ate all their picnic baskets, then he ate Yogi and Boo-Boo.

Adventures in Yellowstone, contention two: I've got some Meddling to do!

But another evil lurked in the peaceful park of Yellowstone, an evil so evil that he was evil! This evilly evil person was stealing all the picnic baskets, and it was neither Mel nor Yogi Bear! What were the good people of Yellowstone going to do?
"What are we going to do?" whined a random Yellowstone person. "There are no more picnic baskets! We'll starve!"
"Hey, we'll solve the mystery!" exclaimed Nikki. He gathered Doc, Miki, Luccia, and Poshul with him.
"Thank you, kids!" smiled the random Yellowstone person.
"Like, no sweat!" said Doc.



Nikki drove the small van across Yellowstone, looking for clues left and right. Suddenly, it grew very dark. Doc and Poshul were grabbing onto each other fearfully.
"Like, I hope we don't have a flat tire," shivered Doc.
"Or we run out of gath," lisped Poshul. Suddenly, the van got a flat tire and ran out of gas at the same time. Doc and Poshul gulped.
"Like, we had to open our big mouths!" whined Doc.
"Hey, relax gang!" said Nikki casually. "There's a creepy-looking house just over that ridge! Maybe they'll have a telephone!"
"It looks haunted, Nikki!" said Miki.
"Oh, don't be silly," sniffed Luccia. "Dere are no such t'ings as ghosts." Doc gulped.
"Like, I hope you're right!" The five of them finally made their way into the creepy house, but nobody was around.
"Hey, gang!" said Nikki. "Let's split up and look for clues! Miki, you come with me. Luccia, you go with Posh and Doc." And with that, Miki followed Nikki and Luccia was stuck with Doc and Poshul.
"Vell, I guess ve had better look around," said Luccia. "Doc, you and Poshul try and look around de kitchen, and I'll search de lab." Doc grinned.
"Like, oh boy!" he said, salivating heavily. "Did you hear that, Posh? She's sending us to the kitchen!"
"Reah! Reah! The kitchen!" Doc and Poshul walked hungrily towards the kitchen, unaware that they were being watched...

"Hey, like, dig this, Posh!" said Doc, holding up an unusually large hamburger. Poshul smacked her lips as Doc took a big bite out of the sandwich. She scampered over to the refrigerator for some meat, but when she opened the door, a strangely-dressed bear was on the other side!
"Rikes!!" shouted Poshul, closing the door hastily. She forced it shut, shivering as Doc came over to investigate.
"Like, what's behind the door, Posh?" he asked. She shook her head.
"Roo don't wanna know," she replied shakily. He shrugged.
"It's probably some bad cheese. Here, let me take a look." Doc pushed Poshul out of the way and opened the door. "Like, it's just Evil Smoky the bear, Posh," he said. He paused, jumped, and looked back at the bear. "Zoinks! Evil Smoky the bear? Like, run for it!!" Doc immediately scrambled off, holding his arms out in front of him as he ran. Poshul followed his lead, and Evil Smoky chased the two around the house and into the laundry chute.

Meanwhile, Luccia had been playing with the laboratory chemicals, when all of a sudden, Doc and Poshul fell into her arms!
"Jinkies!" she exclaimed. "Vhere did you two come from?"
"Like, no time to explain!" shouted Doc, scrambling out of her arms. "It's Evil Smoky the bear!" The two of them ran out of the laboratory, leaving Luccia confused. Suddenly, Evil Smoky the bear landed in her arms.
"Jinkies!" she exclaimed. "Dey vere telling de truth!" She suddenly dropped the bear and scrambled off after Doc and Poshul, and somebody began playing "Can't Buy Me Love" as the great chase scene commenced.

Evil Smoky began roaring, chasing the trio out of the lab and into a hallway with six doors. As he arrived, he saw Luccia going into one and Doc out the other. He ran into a door, and Poshul came out of one and went into another. Luccia was soon being chased by Smoky, with Doc and Poshul running away. Smoky then began chasing Doc while Poshul and Luccia ran away. Poshul began chasing Smoky while Doc was chasing Luccia, and then Luccia began chasing Poshul while Smoky was chasing Doc. Doc chased Poshul who was chasing Luccia, then Smoky began chasing Luccia while Doc was being chased by Poshul, then Poshul was being chased by Smoky and Luccia while Doc was chasing himself, then Smoky was chasing everybody, then everybody was chasing Smoky, then Starky was chasing Doc while Leena was chasing Luccia and Smoky was chasing Poshul, then Yogi was chasing Space Ghost while Leena was chasing Starky while Doc and Luccia were chasing Smoky, then Smoky was chasing Smoky while Doc, Luccia, and Bob Barker were chasing Doc, Smoky, Poshul, and Luccia, then everybody was chasing everybody, until suddenly they bumped into each other and chased each other out of the hallway.

"What's all that racket up there?" demanded Miki. Smoky had been chasing the group down the hallway, until they came to a long staircase. Doc suddenly slipped on a rug and flew down the stairs.
"Like, look out below!!" he shouted as he flew. Miki suddenly leaped up in Nikki's arms (hehehe), and Smoky came bounding after Doc. But before he could go down the stairs, Luccia and Poshul pushed him over, and he fell down the stairs until he landed on the floor in an unconscious heap.
"Great work, gang!" exclaimed Nikki once everyone was around. "Now we'll see who this bad guy really is!" Nikki pulled off Smoky's mask, revealing...
"Zoinks! Lloyd the barber?" gasped Doc.
"Nah, couldn't be!" said Miki. She pulled off the Lloyd mask.
"Jinkies! Carlos the carnival magician?" gasped Luccia.
"Like, it wasn't Carlos!" said Doc, pulling off the Carlos mask.
"Hey! Elvis Presley?" gasped Nikki. Luccia pulled off the Elvis mask.
"Sean Connery?" gasped Poshul. She pulled off the Sean Connery mask.
"Shigeru Miyamoto?"
"Who's that?" asked Nikki. The criminal growled.
"Okay, okay! Enough cameo appearances!" S/he pulled off the final mask, revealing the true criminal...
"Jinkies!" exclaimed Doc.
"Zoinks!" exclaimed Luccia. They paused. "Jinkies!" she exclaimed.
"Zoinks!" he exclaimed. "It's..."
"Ranger Smith!!!"

Bum bum bummm! Lightning suddenly flashed.

"But... why'd you steal all those picnic baskets?" asked Miki. Smith growled.
"I was getting sick of Yogi getting away with everything!" he roared. "So I put on this disguise in hopes of framing him! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Doc grunted.
"Like, I guess this mystery is closed, gang! Hey, where are all the picnic baskets, Ranger Smith?" Ranger Smith pointed off to a closet.
"In there," he admitted. Luccia and Miki went to investigate, but only found several empty baskets and a very fat Poshul.
"Poshul!" they exclaimed. She grinned.
"Poshy-Poshy-Poo!" Everyone laughed.



"That was bizarre," said Glenn. Luccia nodded.
"Vat iz 'zoinks', anyvay?" she asked. Doc shrugged.
"I dunno. What's jinkies?"
"I don't know."
"All right then, so we're even!"
"Da. Vhere are ve going next, Kid?" Kid frowned and thought about it.
"We're in Wyoming," she said, pointing to her atlas, "so our next destination is Mount Rushmore."
"So that's where I'm headed!" exclaimed Macha, steering the bus in the direction of South Dakota.

Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter 1: Washington

"We made it!" said Korcha. Everyone got out of the bus.
"Photo op!" shouted NeoFio, and everyone groaned. "Come on!"
"All right, but this is the last time!" stated Radius.
"Phine." NeoFio took a picture of Mt. Rushmore. "Was that so bad?"
"I'm blind!" shouted everyone. "I'm blind!"

The End.

Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter 2: Jefferson

"Hey look!" shouted somebody. Nikki gulped.
"Sq-Sq-Sq-Squaresoft!!" shouted another. Kid groaned.
"Not again," said Miki. Somebody cued up "Help!", and the Fan-Dumbs began chasing our heroes again. As the massive number of heroes and the massive number of fans poured down the valley, they disturbed many people and plants. Everyone split up once they were at the base of the mountain, hundreds of fans and characters sprawling everywhere like a convention of ants. A few of the more nimble characters began climbing Mt. Rushmore, and soon everyone else got the same idea. Soon, everyone was at the top, but the fans were equally determined.
"We're surrounded!" shouted Kid, bringing out her dagger. Hundreds of eager fans began crawling up the mountain, surrounding our heroes. When they ran across the heads, there were fans climbing up Washington's nose; on the other side, fans were scaling Lincoln's eyes. Soon, there was nowhere left to go...
"There's nowhere left to go!" shouted Orcha. He suddenly got an idea and bonked one of the fans with his skillet. The fan said "Ouch" and fell off the mountain, screaming bloody murder the entire time.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed General Viper. He stuck his sword through a fan.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Kid. She slit a fan's throat.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Norris. He shot a fan.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Guile. He blasted one with magic.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Karsh. He threw his axe at one.
"YOU KILLED A FAN!" exclaimed Zoah. He pushed one off the mountain.
"Like, you killed a fan!" exclaimed Marcy. She kicked one in the gentles.
"You killedCHA fan!" exclaimed Korcha. He impaled one with his lure.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Leena. She bonked one with her frying pan.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Janice. She twisted a fan's neck.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Nikki. He played his guitar at an unbearable volume.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Miki. She strangled one with her veil.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Riddel. She nuked one.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Luccia. She threw an acid-filled beaker at one.
"You killed a fan!" lisped Poshul. She pushed one off the mountain.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Razzly. She impaled one with her wand.
"Ye killed a fan!" exclaimed Zappa. He bonked one with his hammer.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Radius. He bonked one with his stick.
"Arr! Ye killed a fan!" exclaimed Fargo. He keelhauled one.
"You killedCHA fan!" exclaimed Macha. She bonked one on the head with her pan.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Glenn. He decapitated one.
"Vous killed a fan!" squealed Harle. She threw razor-tipped cards at one.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Draggy. He burned one.
"Yoou kiilled a faan!" exclaimed Starky. He blasted one.
"Y'killed a fan!" exclaimed Sprigg. She bonked one with her staff.
"Yoou killed-om a fan!" exclaimed Mojo. He impaled one with his nail.
"Thou hast murdered a fan!" exclaimed Turnip. He bit one.
"You killed a phan!" exclaimed NeoFio. She strangled one with her vines.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Greco. He pushed one off the mountain.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Skelly. He threw his head at one.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Funguy. He fed one a poisoned mushroom.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Irenes. She drowned one.
"You killedCHA fan!" squealed Mel. She screamed until one jumped off the mountain.
"You kill fan!" exclaimed Leah. She hugged one to death.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Van. He threw his piggy bank at one.
"You killed a ffan!" exclaimed Sneff. He threw exploding dice at one.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Steena. She rammed her sword through one.
"Dude, you killed a fan!" exclaimed Doc. He smashed his surfboard on one.
"You-killed-a-fan," said Grobyc. He blew one up with a missile.
"Sacre bleu, you killed a fan!" exclaimed Pierre. One jumped off a mountain rather than get killed by Pierre. Pierre grew very sad and wished that Mr. Owl was around.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Orlha. She punched one.
"You killed a fan!" exclaimed Pip. He beat one with his tail.
"!" exclaimed Serge. He killed one with his swallow.
"I think we got them all," said Norris.



Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter three: Lincoln

Adventures on Mt. Rushmore, chapter four: Roosevelt

General Viper was asleep on the bus.
"Viiiiperrrr..." whispered a spooky voice. Viper woke up.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Doooon't yoooou reeeecogniiiize meeee?" asked the ghost. "I'm your oooold partner, Jaaaaacob Marrrrrlooooowe!"
"Never heard of him," replied Viper. The ghost grimaced.
"Aw, come oooon! You doooon't rememmmmmber meeeee?"
"...Should I?" asked Viper. The ghost grunted.
"Viiiiperrrrr... toniiiiight, yooooou will be visiteeeed by THREE SPIRITS!"
"You're holding up two fingers." The ghost winced.
"But thaaaaat's aaall I haaaave." Viper sighed.
"What about the other hand?" he asked. The ghost held up two fingers.
"Thaaaaat's iiiiit for thiiiiis hannnnnnd as weeeeell."
"Then just hold up one finger on one hand and keep the other two up." The ghost held up two fingers on one hand and one finger on the other. "There you go!"
"Viiiiperrrrr... toniiiiight, yooooou will be visiteeeed by THREE SPIRITS!" continued the ghost.
"Umm... Why?" The ghost paused.
"Uhh... I... dooon't knooooow! Fareweeeeell, Viperrrr! Farewellllllllll...!" And with that, the ghost suddenly disappeared. Viper shrugged and went back to sleep. Suddenly, as the clock struck one, Razzly appeared!
"Tee-hee-hee!" giggled Razzly. "Wakey-wakey, Viper!" Viper grumbled as he got up.
"Razzly? What on Earth...?"
"No, I'm not Razzly," said Razzly. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past!" Viper paused.
"That's nice," he said as he fell asleep. Razzly growled and pulled on the general's nose. Finally, after a minute of fighting, Razzly simply tapped her wand on Viper's head.
"Huh? Where are we?" asked Viper.
"Don't you remember?" asked Razzly. "This is the school where you grew up!" Viper crossed his arms. Sure enough, the old School for Future Generals was standing right there before him, and all of Viper's friends were streaming around.
"So it is," he said. "But why are you showing me this?"
"I dunno," shrugged Razzly. "Nostalgia?" The scene grew dark again, and before Viper knew it, he was in his old work place, Fuzzy Wigs, Inc.
"Fuzzy Wigs!" exclaimed Viper. "But I thought this place had been condemned and destroyed because of the rampant rat and termite population!"
"This is before all that," giggled Razzly. Just then, a rat scampered past her feet.
"It always had rats and termites," said Viper flatly. Suddenly, Viper's younger-version of his wife appeared and ask Viper's younger-version of himself to dance. "Hey, that's my wife!"
"And so she is!" exclaimed Razzly. "But let's fast forward, when the building was destroyed to make room for a gambling casino..." Suddenly the room vanished, and Viper could see slightly older versions of himself and his wife as they sat on a bench.
"...what I'm trying to say is..." mumbled young Viper.
"Oh! This is when I proposed!" shouted old Viper. He leaned close to listen.
"What I'm trying to say is... Will you marry me?"

SLAP!!!!

"I asked her five times before she said yes," said Viper, touching his cheek gingerly. "But why show me this? We got married, raised a daughter, and lived a happy life! I have no regrets!"
"Eeh," shrugged Razzly. Suddenly, she vanished, and Viper found himself back in the bus.
"Huh!?" he stated, sitting up. He sighed with relief. "Just a dream," he said, and went back to bed. Suddenly, Zappa fell out of the sky and landed on him!! "OOFF!!!" Viper coughed out something as Zappa squished him, and bad bagpipe music began playing.
"Ach, ah'm sorry, Gen'ral!" shouted Zappa, helping Viper up. "I should'no have landed on ye! Are ye all right?" Viper bent over weakly, trying to regain his wind.
"What... possessed... you... to land... on me?!" he wheezed. Zappa winced.
"Ah said ah'm sorry, but ah came here ta show ye yir Present!" Before Viper could protest, Zappa had grabbed his hand and magically teleported him to Orcha's house. Orcha, his brother Belcha, and his sister-in-law were all in the kitchen. Orlha, Macha, Korcha, Mel, Doc, Steena, Kid, and Norris were all sitting around the table. Suddenly, Orcha walked out of the kitchen.
"Haunt me no more, spirit!" cried Viper, shouting maniacally. "I've learned my lesson! I'll keep Christmas all year around! Please! Why show me these things if they--"
"Ah, go shut yir windpipe," coughed Zappa. "E's only comin' outta the kitchen."
"But that's what's so frightening," said Viper. "Every time I go into that kitchen, he tells me to leave! Now I know what he was doing!!"
"Ach, shut yir hole an' watch th' festivities, ya big baby," grunted Zappa. Orcha brought out several steaming plates of food, and he was followed by his brother and his sister-in-law, who were also carrying food. Everyone went oooh and aaah as they drooled over the food. Norris cleared his throat and raised his glass.
"A toast," said he, "to General Viper! The founder of the feast!"
"Founder o'the feast indeed!" grunted Orcha. "I cooked the whole thin' myself!"
"Me too, bro," chuckled Belcha. "But we'd better remember who keeps payin' you, y'know?" Orcha grumbled.
"All right. I'll toast. A toast, to General Viper..."
"A toast!" cried everyone else, lifting their glasses.
"God bless us, every one!" squeaked Kid mischievously. Viper grew worried.
"Spirit," said he, "what is wrong with that child?" Zappa's face grew forlorn as he replied.
"Ah see an empty chair where she once sat," he replied. "A dagger lies in her place, neatly preserved. Ev'ryone else's tied up as she steals the loot. Ah'm afraid that, if thin's donna change, then this future'll become a reality." Viper snorted.
"Spirit, the scenario you present will happen no matter what we do." Zappa winced.
"Ach, donna rub it in!" Zappa and everyone else suddenly vanished, and Viper found himself back in the bus. He stood and looked around very carefully, making sure that nobody could pull on his nose or land on him. Finally, he came to the bathroom door, and as he opened it...
"HEY, there're people in here!" exclaimed Skelly. Viper cringed and hastily shut the door. Several minutes passed, and Skelly bounced out of the bathroom. "All rightee, Viper! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future, and I'm gonna show you what will happen in your future!"
"Great!" exclaimed Viper. "I've tried asking Steena and Greco, but they never give me a straight answer!"
"Grrr!" growled Skelly. "I didn't mean that! I mean... ACK! Just... shut up and come with me!" Viper shrugged and took Skelly's bony hand. They arrived at a misty graveyard, where one group of mourners were sadly leaving a crutch behind...
"Aah, you don't wanna know about them," said Skelly curtly, pulling on Viper's collar. The general let out a grunt as the bony one pulled him to another grave and pointed. As Viper squinted, a flash of lightning illuminated the cemetery. It was his grave!!!
"That's not very surprising," noted Viper. "It says here that I'll live to be 87. Don't you think that I'd die somewhere around that time?" He looked at Skelly expectantly, but the clown could only pause and mumble.
"Errrmmm, yesss, but... I-isn't is spooky? Whooooooo!!!" Despite his poor attempt at spookiness, Skelly only made Viper more impatient.
"What was the point of all this?" demanded Viper. Skelly winced.
"Aw, jeez... I dunno! Things just went downhill! Hey, you wanna go back to bed?"
"What do you think?" asked Viper darkly. Skelly grimaced and sent Viper back to his bed, where he slept very peacefully for ten whole seconds.